Pregnant with my ex's child, our mate wants to step up and raise my daughter.

[aurorakingston]

I couldn't even think of how to title this post, but I need outside opinions so here I am.

I was dating my ex ( I'll call him T )for just short of three years. We broke up on good terms due to lack of time together, but about a month after the break up I found out that I was pregnant.

I told T almost instantly, but he doesn't want to be a father because he would barely be back in London ( where we live) enough to be a steady figure in our child's life, but he still wants to see her. I would be upset with him but I know first hand that his job is demanding and he's traveling constantly, I know that he's a good person. He's been helping me through the pregnancy anyway, but he doesn't want to be her dad. At the most, he's said he wants to go by Uncle T.

If you couldn't tell, we're still friends. We were attached at the hip since we were teenagers and I really can't imagine our bond disappearing because of a break-up.

With that being said, we've got the same group of friends. The one we're closest to (we grew up with the guy, let's call him H) has been crashing at my new apartment since I announced the impending arrival of bubs.

H has been a godsend, really, he's running out to the shops at two am for my cravings etc and he's been acting more like the father of my daughter than her own father.

We practically live together at the moment and it's become so normal that I've only just realized that it isn't exactly normal after my sister bought it up.

I spoke to H about it earlier this week and the conversation turned in a whole other direction when he told me that he wants to be with me and raise my child with me. I'll spare the long explanation, but he essentially told me that he loves me and that, if I'll have him, he wants to be a constant fixture in mine and baby's life.

I told him that it was all too much at once but that I wasn't shutting him down. I ended up speaking to T about it because I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to be the father figure before I even started to consider what we spoke about.

I really do like H, and I think part of me always have, but I'm extremely nervous. I can't tell if he only wants to be with me for the babe or vice versa considering we've never talked about our feeling like this before.

I want nothing more than for my daughter to have a strong father figure, not that she absolutely needs one to survive but you get the gist, but I guess I just feel lost and guilty about the whole thing.

Part of me also feels guilty if I get into a relationship right after a break up with another guy, especially since we're all friends.

I'm currently six months along and I'm worried that if I stress too much I'll somehow fuck up the remainder of my pregnancy or something. I've always been so organized but this past year has been a complete flip from anything I've been used to.

Does anyone have any advice? I'd love to hear opinions in general because I'm lost and any other angles would be appreciated.

Cheers,
Rora xx

@fenellamaxwell I did wonder

This other bloke has an agenda, and I for one am worried for your safety and well being. Your child could also be at risk from this man. You need to tell him to move out. Do not embark on a relationship out of desperation or panic about the future.

There's something weird/off about it.

Given your very very soft judgement/perspective of your exs attitude, I'd worry you aren't judging this guy accurately either.

There was a thread, quite a while ago now, about a woman in ops position but years down the line. except she had put the friends name on the birth certificate.

Then the relationship broke down and as the ex was the primary carer, he became the childs resident parent. The OP wanted his name off the certificate but the legal advice she had was that since the ex had built a relationship with the child and acted as his father and did majority care, a court wouldn't necessarily give her residency.

I assume op wont be putting the friends name on the BC. But it could make things complicated down the line if H acts as the father and him and OP split up.

Given your very very soft judgement/perspective of your exs attitude, I'd worry you aren't judging this guy accurately either

Indeed. You don't seem to think very highly of yourself if you have your ex pegged as a good bloke OP.

He isn't a good man, it sounds like you're just accustomed to his ways and fully accept them.

Tell this other bloke to go home on a night time, what he's doing is a bit creepy. Next he'll be asking to be at the birth.

Your ex doesn't just get to opt out like that, dont do it to your kid.

Before T, I was in an abusive relationship and I'm overly cautious of flags due to the damage it did.

I'm sorry, op, but I think you still have work to do on boundaries in relationships, following the abusive one. Often women out of abusive relationships get drawn into similar situations and have squishy, somewhat off boundaries.

Red flags I see are the haste to lock things down into commitment, future-talk so early, the rescue dynamic, your superlatives about him.

You’ve only just split up from T and are pregnant. You’re not even officially dating H. Don’t commit to anything.

T needs to realise he has obligations, financial if nothing else. He may only want to have an Uncle role in your dc, but he needs to be referred to as dad.

Put your dc and yourself first. Don’t rush into anything.

However honourable H may be, he needs to step back. At the moment, he’s playing the hero role, getting stuff for cravings, supporting you etc. Having a newborn is a whole different kettle of fish.

Out of curiosity, why is he crashing at yours? Is it there to support you, or is it because he is homeless?

so rough timeline:

• 7 months ago (Early Jan) you break up with "T"

• Feb - You discover you're pregnant (~ 6 weeks by now) and "T" disowns his child.

• April(ish) some bloke "H" starts sort-of living with you

• 2 months later - This man declares he wants to be the father of your child and raise her as his own???

That's INSANE - who the fuck decides they love someone so much they want to raise their unborn child? That's bizarre..

Also, you broke up with "T" 6 months ago, that isn't " right after a break up" :/

Are you actually a writer for Eastenders or something??

Shove "H" out of your house - tell him you'll take things as slow as you feel comfortable with and he isn't the child's father.

Get "T" to step-up, he's a father whether he likes it or not he can't just be "Fun Uncle T" - what a selfish twat!

Sort yourself out woman.

ha Ha, you can't choose to be an uncle when your a father, he needs to grow up.
Another man hoping to get in as well. Good grief you'll end up with half a dozen to different fathers and then wonder why.
Stay single and make sure your ex pays for his child he fathered.

You all need to grow the fuck up, there's a child in the middle of this soap opera, who deserves much better than the current adults in the unborn child's life.
If your child is to be a commodity have you considered adoption?

Date H if you want but don’t involve him in your DD’s life as a father. If he decides he’s had enough your DD will be the one destroyed.

Nee bloke sounds creepy. You're in a very vulnerable position OP - it's not ideal but you need to learn to cope in your own.

Haven't read all the OP yet because I have to say don't let your child call her dad, uncle. I hope I don't have to explain why.

H sounds a bit weird and unhinged, I would be seriously questioning his intentions. I just don’t know any ‘normal’ guy who would suddenly decide he wants to become a Father to a friend’s unborn baby.

T can’t opt in and out of parenting as and when it suits. He doesn’t sound like a ‘great person’ at all, he sounds like a selfish arsehole. Please don’t let your child call their own Father Uncle, you will cause all manner of confusion and upset further down the line.

I’d personally give H a wide berth, I’m sure that’s not what you want to do because you’re pregnant and probably feel vulnerable but he sounds a bit weird.

Are you scared of going it alone, and H offers financial stability? Is he contributing to bills now, or are you paying for everything?

You can do this by yourself. It may be difficult (but motherhood isn’t Easy). I know life seems a bit uncertain and tipsy turvy at the moment, but don’t be persuaded that H is the answer.

I think if you accept H’s proposition you will regret it.

I'd say take things slow with H as you have a lot going on right now but there's no reason to wait really.
But I would say make sure you definitely are 100% over T before starting anything with a mutual friend, T will be in your life for a really long time if not permanently.

How you doing, OP?

@BitOfFun

jeez this is all a bit weird. You still think your ex is a good man? Hes already a dad. He doesnt get to say that now. Thats his kid.
As for H, keep your wits about you. If youve never fancied him before, dont get his hopes up now. You wont be feeling the same later

"I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall" Are you called Rachel?

It's when the rain starts to pour..

T is all in, he's definitely signing everything and paying child support, he's just having a very on brand split-second decision that no dad is better than an absent one

Wtf is an ‘on brand split second decision’?
Your ex is the dad. He needs to pay for his dc. He should be involved with his dc but if he’s too ‘on brand’ (?) to do that, then you’ll need to step up and be there.

Poor kid, to have such a useless twat for a dad right from the off.

Agree with others that H is very fucking bizarre. I’d get him to move out. Find out what YOU want. Then do that.

You don't sound very clued up OP.... you might feel very differently when you are covered in a tsunami of poo and vomit, and "Uncle T" swans in with his self satisfied smile and "no autographs today" type attitude once every few months! He might not seem like a such a superhero to you a little bit further down the line.

Sorry, but this is all insane. T is the dad, and you need to get H out of your house right now.

You need space to think this all through. You are not in love with H. He should not be living with you and trying to create a permanent bond with you.
If your are right and he's a good person, he will respect that this is not the time for you to be making big decisions, and will leave you alone to think. If he protests, then there's something disturbing going on.

You are a single mum, and you need to come to terms with that and with your own feelings about it. H is in the way of that and needs to back off

I'm just sitting here waiting to find out what an on-brand split-second decision is

You learn something new everyday