Pregnant with my ex's child, our mate wants to step up and raise my daughter.

[aurorakingston]

I couldn't even think of how to title this post, but I need outside opinions so here I am.

I was dating my ex ( I'll call him T )for just short of three years. We broke up on good terms due to lack of time together, but about a month after the break up I found out that I was pregnant.

I told T almost instantly, but he doesn't want to be a father because he would barely be back in London ( where we live) enough to be a steady figure in our child's life, but he still wants to see her. I would be upset with him but I know first hand that his job is demanding and he's traveling constantly, I know that he's a good person. He's been helping me through the pregnancy anyway, but he doesn't want to be her dad. At the most, he's said he wants to go by Uncle T.

If you couldn't tell, we're still friends. We were attached at the hip since we were teenagers and I really can't imagine our bond disappearing because of a break-up.

With that being said, we've got the same group of friends. The one we're closest to (we grew up with the guy, let's call him H) has been crashing at my new apartment since I announced the impending arrival of bubs.

H has been a godsend, really, he's running out to the shops at two am for my cravings etc and he's been acting more like the father of my daughter than her own father.

We practically live together at the moment and it's become so normal that I've only just realized that it isn't exactly normal after my sister bought it up.

I spoke to H about it earlier this week and the conversation turned in a whole other direction when he told me that he wants to be with me and raise my child with me. I'll spare the long explanation, but he essentially told me that he loves me and that, if I'll have him, he wants to be a constant fixture in mine and baby's life.

I told him that it was all too much at once but that I wasn't shutting him down. I ended up speaking to T about it because I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to be the father figure before I even started to consider what we spoke about.

I really do like H, and I think part of me always have, but I'm extremely nervous. I can't tell if he only wants to be with me for the babe or vice versa considering we've never talked about our feeling like this before.

I want nothing more than for my daughter to have a strong father figure, not that she absolutely needs one to survive but you get the gist, but I guess I just feel lost and guilty about the whole thing.

Part of me also feels guilty if I get into a relationship right after a break up with another guy, especially since we're all friends.

I'm currently six months along and I'm worried that if I stress too much I'll somehow fuck up the remainder of my pregnancy or something. I've always been so organized but this past year has been a complete flip from anything I've been used to.

Does anyone have any advice? I'd love to hear opinions in general because I'm lost and any other angles would be appreciated.

Cheers,
Rora xx

on-brand split-second decision is this a "woke" way of saying that he is a known dickhead that makes decisions that suit only him, on the spur of the moment with little to no thought, and fuck everyone else?

@Chuckle think that guess is probably bang on correct. They both sound like a dodgy option OP, just because you've known them from childhood doesn't make them wonderful people. Focus on raising the child as a single mum for now, and if you genuinely like the new guy for himself and not a replacement, date him and take it slow.

Is this story making anyone else feel a bit sick? There's something really really really off about all this. I wonder what discussions T and H have been having behind your back OP.

Don't go rushing into anything OP. Take your time to ensure you make the right decision both for you and, longer term, your child.

Does your Ex think that by being "Uncle T" he won't have to pay child maintenance. If so do please disabuse him by contacting CMS as soon as the baby's born and claiming maintenance through them from him as your daughter's biological father. However give the child YOUR surname (not T or H) and don't put anybody's name as father on the birth certificate. This makes your life easier long term when you start making important arrangements for your child.

Back away from H a bit also because - ask yourself - are you really in a position, mentally, to make a decision about him being in your/your child's life this intensely?

Concentrate and form a relationship with your child, when she has arrived, first, before getting entangled with someone else. Give yourself space to think and breathe and take the longer view.

You are/about to be a mother OP - be a responsible one. 🌹

I think you just need to slow down.
How do you feel about H, do you fancy him? Can you see yourself with him?
There’s no need for either of you to make such a commitment, if you’d like to give it a go then do it, but take it slowly like you would starting out with anyone.

Dont rush into anything, take your time and see how it all works out.