Pregnant with my ex's child, our mate wants to step up and raise my daughter.

[aurorakingston]

I couldn't even think of how to title this post, but I need outside opinions so here I am.

I was dating my ex ( I'll call him T )for just short of three years. We broke up on good terms due to lack of time together, but about a month after the break up I found out that I was pregnant.

I told T almost instantly, but he doesn't want to be a father because he would barely be back in London ( where we live) enough to be a steady figure in our child's life, but he still wants to see her. I would be upset with him but I know first hand that his job is demanding and he's traveling constantly, I know that he's a good person. He's been helping me through the pregnancy anyway, but he doesn't want to be her dad. At the most, he's said he wants to go by Uncle T.

If you couldn't tell, we're still friends. We were attached at the hip since we were teenagers and I really can't imagine our bond disappearing because of a break-up.

With that being said, we've got the same group of friends. The one we're closest to (we grew up with the guy, let's call him H) has been crashing at my new apartment since I announced the impending arrival of bubs.

H has been a godsend, really, he's running out to the shops at two am for my cravings etc and he's been acting more like the father of my daughter than her own father.

We practically live together at the moment and it's become so normal that I've only just realized that it isn't exactly normal after my sister bought it up.

I spoke to H about it earlier this week and the conversation turned in a whole other direction when he told me that he wants to be with me and raise my child with me. I'll spare the long explanation, but he essentially told me that he loves me and that, if I'll have him, he wants to be a constant fixture in mine and baby's life.

I told him that it was all too much at once but that I wasn't shutting him down. I ended up speaking to T about it because I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to be the father figure before I even started to consider what we spoke about.

I really do like H, and I think part of me always have, but I'm extremely nervous. I can't tell if he only wants to be with me for the babe or vice versa considering we've never talked about our feeling like this before.

I want nothing more than for my daughter to have a strong father figure, not that she absolutely needs one to survive but you get the gist, but I guess I just feel lost and guilty about the whole thing.

Part of me also feels guilty if I get into a relationship right after a break up with another guy, especially since we're all friends.

I'm currently six months along and I'm worried that if I stress too much I'll somehow fuck up the remainder of my pregnancy or something. I've always been so organized but this past year has been a complete flip from anything I've been used to.

Does anyone have any advice? I'd love to hear opinions in general because I'm lost and any other angles would be appreciated.

Cheers,
Rora xx

Hey!
Why not date H like you would normally date someone (i.e. not live with him)? Go to the cinema, out in restaurants... before you have the baby.
Then when the baby come see how the relationship progresses?
I dont think there is any need to rush ( unless H is putting pressure on you, which he shouldn't!!)
I do agree with the others though - uncle T is a bad idea!!
Good luck. X

Kindly meant but... don't be so fucking stupid. H is not her father T is. He doesn't get a choice to opt-out. He is not an uncle and he needs to support you, financially at least, and you need to make sure your dd knows who her father is and his family. It sounds like he's going to be in and out of her life which is pretty shit of him (and makes him a pretty spineless person actually - he's not a good bloke), but you can't change that.

Your relationship with H is entirely separate and nothing to do with this baby whatsoever. he is not a substitute father. You're going to be a single parent if you like it or not.

H has been crashing at yours?

Why?

I ask because this could easily be just someone who thinks he has found a good place to live and is totally future faking you

T has fathered a child. It's not up to him to decide whether he wants to be a father or not because he already is. He either steps up or is absent. He'll still be financially responsible either way.

H moved in after you announced the pregnancy and is now making himself indispensable. That is weird AF. You are hugely vulnerable and the longer this goes on the more you'll rely on him - which is presumably what he wants. If he does genuinely have feelings for you then he needs to move out immediately and date you properly.
If he doesn't then he also needs to move out immediately. Either way you need to get shot.

Trust H as far as you can throw him.
He may be future faking you as suggested above, or he may be

• predatory/controlling and attracted by your vulnerability
• predatory and attracted by your child
• settling some internal dominance agenda with T by taking on his partner and child
• have a "rescuer" complex in which internally he is a hero for taking on this fallen woman and you must stay in that role as grateful victim to maintain it
• have low self-esteem that the only way he will get someone as cool as you/a family of his own is to take you on whilst you are vulnerable - that would never be a happy, equal relationship without issues

Oh, or also, actually trying to make it work with you and the baby (even if for a reason above) but throwing back at you that he is doing you a favour as he isn't the real father whenever it suits him once exposed to the reality of childcare slog. Not wanting to do nights/nappies/flexible working/drop offs because they are hassle and after all it is really only your child so it would be unreasonable of you to expect it (eg only wanting the external praises, not the full responsibility of actually parenting). Not wanting to contribute financially to the baby's costs like your household bills on maternity leave and nursery fees (ignore cute instagrammable baby grow purchases) - which is perfectly reasonable and what he would be advised as you aren't married and he isn't the father, but yet he says he wants to act as if he is and wants the credit for being the daddy from the child.

Life is different for everyone.
T didn’t want to become an involved partner and is very clear about this. He’s still there and wants contact. He’s not run a mile and wants to support you. Having sex even protected can lead to pregnancy but just like you can choose to take protection as like T which can fail, you also have the choice to not go through with it if that’s what you wanted and not T. So all comments he’s the father ... step up etc.
He’s being honest. He wants to see the child but in a less destructive way due to his work commitments that contributed to your split.
H has had feelings for you for sometime and is living with you and you seem to have feelings for him too. It’s great he didn’t act and complicate T and your relationship previously.
I find it very sweet how involved H wants to be with you and the baby. T also supports this and obviously has trust in H that he will be a good father.
It’s almost as if T is giving the baby up for adoption with someone he trusts. But obviously the real mother (you) also in the picture.

I personally think this is amazing and of course it may get complicated or it may not as others have had similar experiences.

T is still a father in law by support, so he isn’t hiding away from that. However T cannot abort a child or give up for adoption which you could do as a choice.
He hasn’t done a runner or been nasty and is trying to find ways of making sure the child has a steady life and parents that are around whereas he knows he can not be a steady fixture in a child’s life. That is responsible!
Yes he could change jobs etc but then that may mean less income and you are not together.....it would lead to resentment and that would be far worse.
We don’t know your lives so only you and H know your feelings on each other and the situation. Just go slow if that’s what you decide. Xxxx

@AngelsSins I wasn't very thorough with my op due to the emotions that writing everything down hit me with (darn hormones!!). T and I are in agreement that dd has to know who her father is and we have no intention of hiding that. I grew up with them both and they're both genuinely nice and lovely people. I have no doubt that T will be in the picture more permanently in a few years when his job slows down but he specifically doesn't want "be there for five minutes and leave for work". He makes rash decisions, trust me, I'd be yelling at him if I didn't know him any better.

The one we're closest to (we grew up with the guy, let's call him H) has been crashing at my new apartment since I announced the impending arrival of bubs
Anybody else's skin get goosebumps reading this and his subsequent sudden love for her and desire to get as close as possible to her child?

There is something not right here.
Normal, rational people don't do this - no matter how good a friend you are.

To add
If you did date H slowly and it was going well then calling T uncle as a pet name may be fine but when the baby is a older but not too old to cause anger so maybe aged 3 or 4 whenever you think. You should explain that T is their real biological father and that H is raising you and is their father that raises them.
I wouldn’t hide it as it will cause problems when they found out as a teenager and cause resentment to all involved.

Could H move out even temporarily so you could date properly?

As you’ve said you’ve known them both years so again we can all judge and say he’s controlling etc and has motives, but you know him. His feelings to you seem long-standing so maybe this feels natural to him.
Only you know these men.

Xxx

The thing is, there are loads of men out there like this, and they are generally considered deadbeats!

In and out of the childs life, showing up (or letting the child down) on special occasions, they normally brag about their child and how much they love them, while putting little to no effort into the relationship.

Leaving H aside the only difference there between you and T and the other people out there dealing with exes is that the way he's explained it to you you've accepted it and think it's a good idea.

You said you can't see your friendship being affected by the beak up, but it's not just a break up, he doesn't want to be a dad to your baby. That's huge.

@PicsInRed I appreciate your concern, but that's just not true to my situation. H is one of the only genuine people that I've ever met. Before T, I was in an abusive relationship and I'm overly cautious of flags due to the damage it did. He's been sleeping on the couch due to the fact that I'm on bed rest and my family live too far away etc.

T is all in, he's definitely signing everything and paying child support, he's just having a very on brand split-second decision that no dad is better than an absent one, but as I said, I grew up with them and he'll most likely change his mind and feel extremely guilty.

@SavingSpaces2019

Not sure it’s evil. Only OP knows these guys as she grew up with them so for her to have him in her house and also consider this shows she trusts him. Maybe something is amiss or maybe after the split and he knows it’s over for good and not treading on his mates (T) toes as she is T’s ex now, he wants to be with her and wants to support her. They are all friends and maybe he’s worried about her and wants her to feel secure. I don’t know.
Only OP knows what these men are really like.
Being in a three as in the friendship aspect he feels a duty in some way and then he also does have feelings for OP which couldn’t be expressed before.

OP whatever you decide just take everything slowly and DC is the priority. Don’t become too dependent on H as like others have said he may become freaked out and second best once DC is born and that’s his choice. Not sure on ages I’d all of you or whether that matters but just remain independent. You and the baby are the priority and if you an H become an item then this starts separately until you become comfortable to bring him into the equation as step father/father or what you want.
Xxx

@aurorakingston

Yes that’s true! Once DC is born he may change and that doesn’t mean you get back together but he may want more involvement etc so I wouldn’t plan too much at this point. If you want to date H then that’s separate and up to you as you are free and single.

That is really nice that H is looking after you whilst you are on bed rest. That’s is admirable. He’s been with you 5 months so it’s not like he’s moved in and sad be with me straight away.
He sounds very nice from what you have said.
T sounds reasonable too and is offering financial help as he’s biologically the father.
I see the logic and genuine care for the child and you.
You do what you feel comfortable with.
Xxxx

Date H if you want.

But there is no way he should be saying he act as the childs father and tale the child on.

T is all in, he's definitely signing everything and paying child support, he's just having a very on brand split-second decision that no dad is better than an absent one

I don't understand what that means.

T is your child's dad. The degree to which he is "absent" (or not) depends on his actions. It is that simple. He can opt out of parenting but that doesnt alter the fact he is the DC's father.

As for H, I would step away from any discussion of relationships and his role in the baby's life other than as fridnd of yours.

Your priority is your baby. This is real life not a rom com.

I can't tell if he only wants to be with me for the babe

I think far more likely is he wants a relationship with you, and thinks you’re vulnerable now you’re pregnant.

xkcd.com/513/

I’d run a mile, personally.

I can't tell if he only wants to be with me for the babe

His wants are pretty irrelevant. It should be far more about what YOU want. If you weren’t pregnant would you want to have a relationship with him?

Having a baby in your life makes it so much more important to choose good relationships. Weird, blurry, unhealthy, inconsistent relationships are a sure fire way of screwing your kid up.

When you said T will be "signing everything", do you mean he will be signing the register of birth? As far as I remember that is the only thing that needs signing.

If so, that contradicts him saying he doesnt want to "be a dad". Signing the register means he will have parental responsibility. If he is saying he doesn't want to parent, then dont allow him parental responsibility. If he steps up once the baby is here, he can gain parental responsibility later.

Reading your latest post OP, T has done a right number on you hasn't he?
You're pregnant which is down to both of you, not just you. He should be moving heaven and earth to change his situation to be present for both you and HIS baby. Instead he's telling you that he's not changing a single thing and as a result won't be there for either of you, and somehow you've bought into this?
Have you tried telling him that you don't have the luxury of choosing whether to be around or not?
In the meantime H has managed to slip in and claim to be the person you need T to be without you even noticing.
This isn't an episode of Friends, there is a baby involved here and it's got the potential to go really horribly wrong.

"Uncle T"- thats horrible. I think I'd rather have no dad than one that felt so desperate to be as far removed from me to refer to himself as "uncle". Whether he likes it or not he's going to be a dad, I hope he pays up at least. As for seeing your child occasionally, you will likely feel differently when your baby arrives and decides she either needs/ deserves regular contact or non at all (not fair to play with a child's emotions).

As for H, either

1- His intentions are sinister as other posters have suggested
2- He feels his clock is ticking and he wants an instant family. Either way date him if you like him but dont get with him because of some desperate need for a father figure. He's not your childs father and shouldnt be treated as that.

Nothing you say about T makes him sound like a good person. He sounds like a selfish waster who puts himself and his social life / career above his own child.

OP, close female friends - even family members - wouldn't sleep on your sofa whilst you were on bed rest. They'd CHECK IN ON YOU. You know, brief visits, phone calls, regular (but not constant) emails, texts etc. They would NOT effectively move into your house.

You say he's a genuine guy. I tell you, that gives me pause, because whenever anyone says "I'm such a genuine person", they're almost inevitably fucking dire. Is he really genuine, or is he wearing a great sparkly mask that you won't see behind until you're good and trapped?

We're here saying these things, asking these questions, because we've been THERE. We've sat roughly where you are, but we didn't have the information and we made the wrong choice. We learned very roughly how it really works and how lovely an abuser can make themself look.

Please listen, because it is very, very likely that H is not a "genuine" guy, but a different breed of abuser - one you haven't learned to recognise yet. But we do. We see him and we recognise him. He needs to move out.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
That reminds me of a friend of mine whose dad was barely involved and wanted to be called by his first name. It was very upsetting for the children, especially as they got older!

That’s a very tricky situation, OP. I’m sure no-one told you life was gonna be this way.....