Dinner Party hell

[dinnerpartyhell]

Please tell me what I am doing wrong.

It is customary where we live for friends to have lots of dinner parties, these range from silver service formal dinners all the way through to a relaxed buffet style supper.

I absolutely detest them, I hate hosting them with the two days of cleaning, cooking and preparing. The nerves that it will all go wrong (I am no Nigella) the endless inane conversations with people I barely know or care about. I try to talk to more interesting people, but after a few hours I have had enough even with the most sparkling character.

I don't even like going to other people's houses where it is the same in reverse. I like seeing my closer friends, but this all adds a layer stress/formality that is not normally present when we see each other day to day.

Please tell me why you enjoy them? (if you do) and what I can do to enjoy them more. I would have no friends if I opted out, as everyone has them. I wish I could enjoy them more, but I really don't. I dread them now, and it has got worse as time has gone on, not better. Everyone seems to go out every single weekend, and we are knackered from working long hours and caring for dc. How do you have energy to do this? After another weekend, I am exhausted today and really ready to throw in the towel and move to a desert island.

I strongly suspect your DH is practising deliberate incompetence because he thinks it means he won't be asked to do boring but necessary task again.

Does he work? Does he think he would get away with that approach there?

You can do baked potatoes in 20 minutes. You just have to put them in the microwave for the first 5/10 minutes while the oven heats up to 250 C or as near as it goes. Then put them in the oven for 10 minutes and they're perfectly cooked with a crispy skin. Grate some cheese and make tuna mayo while you're waiting.

Probably half of your fellow dinner party-ers feel exactly the same as you, but none of them dare opt out because of the gossip that will follow, or fear of becoming outcasts.
Seriously, I've done my share of dinner parties with friends I really enjoy spending time with, and they are costly and tiring.
Drop out or move towns if you've had enough. Life is far too short.

bar I just need a broom, note taken
lemon You have no idea what you are missing! You are closer than you think with the Jilly Cooper observation, and yes it is real. And it is torture. Trust me. I know.
GC A low point was when a friend's wife looked through my pantry and said ' and there I was thinking you had an ocd, but now I can see you are just like the rest of us!'

I mean what the hell do you say to that? :)

Yumyum it does 🤢. Fish fingers and spaghetti hoops? Bet they were in plastic bowls.

I'm starting to not believe this thread. Or you're exaggerating everything OP.

He decants wine? Why? He gives the DC a hard potato alongside mashed potato? And they eat it out of politeness?

Your dog is sick all the time, your DC are ill on a loop all winter but travel randomly all over the county and DH can't drive them so you do? In between cleaning and cooking and hosting friends you hate?

When Jacinta pipes up, oh but it's lovely for the husbands to get together just say no it's not, they don't like each other. Fancy pizza express next Friday? Etc etc

OhtheRoses, I'm afraid decanting the wine is pretty much expected in this type of socialising. The hilarious thing is that you could decant any old rubbish into the decanter. The very act of oxidising the wine slightly makes it taste better than it cost. It's an old old trick.

deafly I have three dogs.

And it tastes like utter shit. I don't know why.

Because then he won't be asked to do it. There is no reason other than laziness or not giving a shit which prevents an able bodied man who can hold down a job from learning to cook (or wash, or tidy or clean). There is somethign deeply unattractive about men who play the "can't do it" card for anything domestic.

On the whole dh says "Roses works full-time, we'll meet at x" He pays, never a problem.

Friends, real friends, get lasagne, casserole, bought pudding at the kitchen table and often a bed for the night and bring their bloody dogs.

Get a job where you can get called in.

I was in a relationship with a freemason years ago and exactly your OP was my life and it drove me around the bend. Luckily I have a job where getting called in is possible and ...ahem....I used to arrange to get called in at the most inconvenient times sadly

This mostly involved me sitting in a co workers flat watching telly until one in the morning. I even went to the length of using theatrical blood on my tunic to make it look authentic. I needed three bottles for the duration of the relationship :)

Op I'm afraid it's you. They probably panic about spilling on your carpet etc. Your friend said it all when she said...

"and there I was thinking you had an ocd, but now I can see you are just like the rest of us!"

It's you setting this ridiculous standard. Stop decanting wine, start ordering fish and chips. Stop cleaning to a ridiculous standard just to impress them. Stop letting your DH do sod all

not I do work yes, well I am supposed to be, but spend much of my time organising this rubbish. Or trying to think of excuses.

bar husband works 90 hours a week, practiced incompetence is his best and only currency in the hope that I will finally give up and close this chapter in our lives. He would like nothing more than to never see another human being again (apart from me, I think, and the dc, optional)

crusty you are worrying me now, this is my bloody life, not yours. Show some sympathy woman.

It sounds like the problem isn't dinner parties, but that you lack the confidence to do your own thing and feel you have to go along with the crowd. That being "cast out" like the friend who disappeared from the dinner parties is so fearsome to you that you keep doing something you and your H both dislike.

You can make the choice to change this. You could back away from these invitations or stand firm on girls' nights only. But you need to decide what you want in your life.

That said, take everything I say with a grain of salt, I'm an introvert and loathe dinner parties and never do them!

What sort of socialising is it fgs. Our kitchen table mates include formercabinet ministers. The dining room lot think themselves far superior but can tell a good wine from a shit wine whether it's decanted ir not. I fear you are mixing with prats and with prats my dear, frankly I couldn't and wouldn't be arsed.

YY Aldi wine in a decanter (make it a fun game to get them to guess the price, supermarket and whether anyone seriously thinks that it's actually expensive wine with poncy 'wine critic' type comments) and fish and chips or M&S bought in stuff and if it's not a fun evening, then they're not people you want to be spending time with.

This sounds like my idea of hell. My solution would be to move somewhere else and make friends with normal people.

"deafly I have three dogs."

Excellent! And do you have a Boot Room?

Shut all dogs in the Boot Room ahead of your guests arrival. If you have to, deal with the sick the following day.

(I say "if you have to" because, of course, the vomiting dog's kennel mates may well have cleaned up their nervous companion's offerings before you arrive to let them out )

Wow I’d love to have a job that I only had to do when not busy organising dinner parties. You must have a very flexible employer .

You both hate these occasions. You hate the people. So stop doing them. Would you keep scuba diving/hillwalking/going to antique fairs if you hated any of those things?

Just think, you and your husband could spend relaxing weekends not thinking about all this nonsense, then go out together to nice restaurants in the evening.
Liberate yourself - you only have one life.

ghost I need a new job! Why didn't I think of that, it needs to inc adhoc weekend hours. Thanks I will work on that.

crusty You could be right. I do like a tidy house admittedly. but honestly with dc and dogs it is an ongoing relentless battle. Like it is for everyone.

This is ludicrous. When the fun stops, stop. FFS

Sorry I should be more sympathetic!

But you really do seem to be creating this hell. Just say no!

Your DH sounds useless. The kids need to get a bus or stop being scattered around the county at unsuitable times!

They arent friends if they bore you after ten minutes. Stop doing this and enjoy the real friends you have. Im friendly with my neighbours( as thats what they are if its 'where you live' ) as in 'hi' but i wouldnt call them friends and i definately wouldnt invite them into my home for a dinner party.

oh My dh trots down to the merchants and can spend an hour choosing the wine, then organising the exact temperature for each one. Before making sure the right glasses are matched, then matching the menu. Why?? For the love of god would anyone care? The first glass yes, possibly you would notice a half decent wine, after that you could be drinking anything.

I am so over this.

I am going to be liberated. From now on! Starting with this weekend.

This is daft. Invite round ONE couple who you actually like talking to, once a month. Feed them something very simple like pasta. Buy crisps and nuts for before and pre made pudding for after. The rest can go hang.

Or, have girls’ lunches in the week. (I bet very few of the wives work).