Dinner Party hell

[dinnerpartyhell]

Please tell me what I am doing wrong.

It is customary where we live for friends to have lots of dinner parties, these range from silver service formal dinners all the way through to a relaxed buffet style supper.

I absolutely detest them, I hate hosting them with the two days of cleaning, cooking and preparing. The nerves that it will all go wrong (I am no Nigella) the endless inane conversations with people I barely know or care about. I try to talk to more interesting people, but after a few hours I have had enough even with the most sparkling character.

I don't even like going to other people's houses where it is the same in reverse. I like seeing my closer friends, but this all adds a layer stress/formality that is not normally present when we see each other day to day.

Please tell me why you enjoy them? (if you do) and what I can do to enjoy them more. I would have no friends if I opted out, as everyone has them. I wish I could enjoy them more, but I really don't. I dread them now, and it has got worse as time has gone on, not better. Everyone seems to go out every single weekend, and we are knackered from working long hours and caring for dc. How do you have energy to do this? After another weekend, I am exhausted today and really ready to throw in the towel and move to a desert island.

oh You make it sound easy!! On paper that is how it is supposed to be, spend the day picking garden flowers for the table, buying fresh ingredients and then cooking something up with a glass of chilled white wine. It all sounds so civilised. My reality is not like that, the dc will be in different parts of the county. I will spend all day scrubbing the dog sick out of the rug, in the car up and down the motorway collecting children, and burning the starter/main course and dessert whilst doing a million other things.

1. I am a terrible cook. This really doesn't help
2. I am a terrible host because I am too tired to care about their coats/needs/child's scholarship

Just see people you like. Unless you are in public service or need to for work, these dinner parties are not obligatory. If you don’t like the people you meet at them then you will not be losing anything if the invites stop. Just ask your true mates around for casual get-togethers. If they refuse then when do you meet up with them?
I host a dinner party twice a year and that’s enough, but I only invite people I know well and like, so then the effort doesn’t seem so onerous. I don’t get invited because few people I know do them or if they do it’s a family thing. I go out to breakfast or lunch quite a bit (and yes I work as do many of my friends but we are mostly self employed so dictate our own schedules). I keep most social things women only too as men totally change the dynamic.

Well I do think at the very least you need to restrict it to 1/2 weekends a month. I'd hate never having a weekend just to ourselves. Just announce to the group that because of work commitments and dc activities and generally the life stage you're at you'll be cutting down a little on socialising. It's not a crime to say you want a quieter life for a while. (I bet at least one other will pipe up that they've been thinking the same.)
If you really cannot contemplate dropping out of the circuit,then you will need to become the Queen of Theme. Jacket Potato Night, Something on Toast Night, Bring A Plate Night, Let's Review M&S Readymeals Night.

Hire a private chef to do you dinner. That's my job. I love going to different houses to cook for dinner parties. I cover the South West so pm me for details.

Why on earth are you so desperate to be friends with people who litter your garden, get pissed and retch in your teatowels and have the most boring conversations ever known to man?

Get some new friends, the ones that are down in the pub while you are hosting dinner parties. Not everybody in the south west does that. It's not customary, just in your circle of "friends".

Get rid

singing Thats it! I am locked in now. Having accepted a few invites nine years ago I am now locked in, never to escape! The minute you return the favour and host, you are automatically invited to the next round. A friend of mine stopped overnight, and now no one ever sees her. One person the other night said they thought she had moved/got divorced/was suffering from bad MH. You would not believe the debate about the possible reasons why she spurned their invites. It was really quite interesting to listen to given I was planning the very same thing! So I will be cast out for sure. Which may not be a terrible thing, it is very anti family and very ageing.

Your questions about what I don't like:

The formality
The way my friends change when they are with dh or men in general. Dynamic is totally different.
The pressure
The lack of fun unless everyone is really really drunk, but then it is just embarrassing. Usually. And someone always takes it too far.

@CrispbuttyNo1

Your job sounds brilliant!

I assumed you were abroad too. Silver service?!

Where in the UK is it normal to have silver service style dinners in your home?

The 1970s?

Can you get back in contact with the friend that dropped out?
Maybe form your own anti dinner party club and just go to the pub.

pip I could manage twice a year. I think that may be the answer my lovely! Twice a year, one bbq and one christmas theme. Then I can just be very busy all the other weekends.

So your friend stopped going and no one sees her now - be her friend! Honestly these people don't even sound like people you like so why bother🤷🏼‍♀️

You are clearly well off of you are in this 'set' so hire some help. Private chef as suggested above, get it caterer in a different way as suggested above, and a cleaner as also suggested above.

You say someone dropped out and now no one sees her? Well invite her round for something casual.

Set your own rules.

Dinner parties are not everyone's thing and can be quite stressful and competitive. Surely some of these people are not your real friends, just acquaintances you feel obliged to have at yours because you've been to theirs.

Get out of the cycle, only do small gatherings of people you really like and relate to or stop altogether. Who is setting this social agenda? Sounds ridiculous to me. Do what makes you happier and real pals will understand. This is a local tyranny!

Tarrogan So love the idea of review M&S ready meal night!! Yes! That sounds like my perfect evening. Do I need to bother with the dog sick or do you suppose that will add to the evening's entertainment. Maybe carpet cleaner review night as an unexpected bonus? Get the most boring guest onto it? Or spin the bottle?

OP, surely the issue is not the dinner parties themselves but the fact that you've got some terribly tedious and boorish friends?

And, silver service? Really? Who does that in 2019?

I think you need to find some more relaxed and interesting people to hang out with. You may even find you end up enjoying having them round for a casual supper.

We used to have a group of friends that did dinner parties.

I am the worlds worst cook.

After a few of my inedible offerings it was agreed they would being cans of soup and marks and spencer sandwiches.

House was relatively clean anyway so it was quite relaxing

Are you sure you actually like these people?

I have felt like you do when we had to visit one group.

I didn’t like any of them and it just made the evening hard, long and boring.

Why is your dog being so sick?

Fuck me, you are stuck in a 1970's time warp! Your friends sound dull and old fashioned. Step off this crazy wheel and find some new normal friends who go out for meals or have informal boozy dinners.

crispy I will be speed dialling you soon!

The whole silver service thing I am not kidding, polished crystal, best silverware (the kind of thing you get when you are married and never use) Full five courses. It can be very intimidating.

Friend that has opted out has been in touch for casual coffee, she has had enough. I am aghast about what the others think of running for the hills though. It is as if they really can not fathom why anyone would not want to do this with their lives every weekend forever more.

And where is your DH in all of this? Can he drive up and down the motorway to get your children? Can they get a bus? Can he do the cooking? Why are these people your friends? Why have you ditched non-dinner party friend?

So many questions about this bizarre set up

I would love this. Can I take your place? We just go for a pint.
I love cooking and enjoy talking to people.

God, these people sound AWFUL. I’ve actually made it my New Years resolution this year to only spend time with people I really like. I’ve cut loads of dead wood. Some people just drain the life out of you.

Now, we’ve got a nice little circle of friends who we regularly have dinner with, chat to and meet up with who we really like. I genuinely look forward to it, and once or twice I’ve definitely ordered takeaway or used ready meal type stuff. They bring loads of wine and fuck off at an appropriate time. I love it.

This is a bizarre thread. You spend every weekend doing something you hate just to conform and fit in with people that you don't really like. Just to fit in?
If they were really friends they would see you whatever. There is nothing wrong with not having a large group of friends in fact I think for most adults that's quite normal as family life takes over.
Maybe you need to look more at yourself, why you feel the need to people please and fit in?

Also OP I would never be intimated by silver service and 5 courses. It is only plates and glasses and food.