Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want any more children

85 replies

Yelloworange1111 · 30/06/2019 20:32

My partner of almost two years let me know this weekend he doesn't want anymore children.

He (43) has three, aged 21, 5 & 3 and I (30) don't have any. We had the conversation when we first got together however he has now changed his mind. He knows the impact children have and doesn't want to ruin what we have and end up ultimately the same way his ex's.

I'm devastated. Whilst having young step children is lovely, it's not quite the same. He's an absolutely amazing boyfriend, we have an incredible connection, get on so well and never argue. I'm just not totally convinced I can can totally give up my choice of being a parent.

I now have the dilemma of staying in this wonderful relationship but potentially one day regretting my choice and resenting him, or walk away and find someone who wants to have a family. But what if the relationship isn't half of what I have now? Or what if I actually decide I am happy not being a mother and regret leaving the best partnership I've ever had. I'm very career minded and love to travel and be spontaneous.. all things that are very difficult with a young child. Or what if I can't have children and it was all for nothing? There's so much pressure that people get together, get married and have babies!

We talk about marriage and our future quite often and I see myself growing old with him.

Does anyone have any examples or experience in this situation?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 30/06/2019 20:34

Walk away.

Loopytiles · 30/06/2019 20:36

“He knows the impact children have and doesn't want to ruin what we have and end up ultimately the same way his ex's”

Doubt that is the full truth. Eg. He has three DC - hopefully that he has parented/ is parenting (hopefully much more than just every other weekend!) and paying for. He knows it is damn hard work. Doesn’t want to do it again, and has his existing DC to consider - their interests are not best served by him having more DC.

Fair enough of him not to want more DC, but not if he lied for two years.

MarthasGinYard · 30/06/2019 20:56

Well he left well before his dc were even 1 and 3 unless you were together already.

So you don't particularly know if he's a brilliant dad or not.

He doesn't want anymore dc and has been honest.

If you want dc then I'd seriously be looking at calling it a day.

boredboredboredboredbored · 30/06/2019 22:30

Walk away or you'll always resent him, the relationship is doomed either way I'd say.

MMmomDD · 30/06/2019 22:33

No man is worth giving up on having children....
Especially NOT a man who fathered and abandoned several children; and lied to you about wanting them, until you got settled into a relationship, and then boom...

It’s simple, really

Ragwort · 30/06/2019 22:38

Why on earth would you want to have children with a man who has walked away from 3 children (yes, I am presuming there ... but his youngest is 3 & you have been together for 2 years Hmm?). Do you honestly think he would be such a great Dad to yet another child?

Cynara · 30/06/2019 22:38

He'd see you deprived of the experience he's had, because he's had it now so he's all done.
Walk away. At 30, you have time and choices. The longer you delay/hesitate/compromise, the less of both will be left. If you leave and still end up not being a mother, you'll know you tried and gave yourself the best chance. If you stay, you'll resent him for living the life he denied you the chance of.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/06/2019 22:39

Well he's hardly lied, has he? Two years is about the right time from meeting somebody to being in a relationship with them and deciding on whether you/they want children or not, surely?

So many women (it is usually women) rush into having children because it's time sensitive, rather than being really sure of their partner.

OP, you want children, he doesn't - you get to decide whether you stay with him or not. Your decision, not his. He gets to decide that he doesn't want children with you - you get to decide whether you want him.

DianaT1969 · 30/06/2019 22:40

I don't think this relationship looked promising from the start. You were 28 and got together with a 41 year old father of three DC . One of them a baby and the other a toddler.
I'd say you were at very different life stages and should probably call it a day so that you don't end up resenting him for limiting your opportunities.

dragonway · 30/06/2019 22:55

No man on this Earth is worth giving up a dream of having kids. Why would you give that up? I’d even dump Chris Hemsworth for that. I have kids and let me assure you, if you do want kids, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Ever. Do NOT sacrifice for some bloke who you don’t even know you’ll stay with. When you’re 50 and your chance has gone, how will you live with yourself? How will you see him at his kids weddings etc and you not have the chance of that. Don’t be an idiot. Dump and move on.

Tiredtessy · 30/06/2019 23:13

I expect you have free weekends together? I’m a single mum so have every other weekend free; I can’t imagine having more although I’m older and would have Much preferred a family life I’m used to doing my own thing now. Is he a good dad? Involved?

bubblegum2019 · 01/07/2019 00:30

I think you’ve posted about this before OP.

You know in your heart what to do... listen to that and trust it. I personally would never give up my chance to have children because the man I’m with doesn’t want anymore yet he’s already had that experience.

SemperIdem · 01/07/2019 00:33

op it isn’t going to work our well.

Lying

I don’t know anybody who would be in a committed relationship for two years before discussing views on children/marriage, over the age of about 25.

1forAll74 · 01/07/2019 01:36

This is all about what you wan't, and that's ok up to a point. It sounds like you don't really know if you wan't children, just that at your age,you think that is what you maybe should think. But you also say that your are career minded,and like to travel etc. So your whole post is about what if's, so the ball is in your court now. Nobody can make these decisions for you.

BitOfFun · 01/07/2019 01:39

He's your Richard; you need a Chandler.

S1naidSucks · 01/07/2019 01:42

I can guarantee he never intended to have children with you, but he wanted to make sure you were deeply emotionally invested in the relationship before he told you. I’ve seen this played out on Mumsnet and real life a ridiculous amount of times. Usually it’s an older man, that already has kids and now he wants the younger woman without the hassle of children, while playing daddy to his kids when it suits him. It’s the best of both worlds, for HIM.

ukgift2016 · 01/07/2019 05:56

@S1naidSucks is right.

Also wanting a family with a man who has failed the previous two times with other women. Yeah not a good bet AT ALL.

dragonway · 01/07/2019 06:03

Bitoffun and S1naidsucks have nailed it. What they said!

Rainbowqueeen · 01/07/2019 06:12

I’d leave as well

Otherwise you will end up resenting him. I find it hard to believe that he didn’t know some time ago he didn’t want more kids but he was waiting until he thought there was no chance you would bail before he let on. There are a ton of threads on here about the same topic which all go the same way - if you want kids then move on.

However your idea of checking your fertility etc is a good one. I’d do that and if you can have kids I’d end it and look for someone more like minded

Just out of interest- how long were you together before you met his kids and how much time do you spend with them?? It’s common for men in this situation to use their partner as a nanny

twattymctwatterson · 01/07/2019 06:13

Sorry op but he's in his 40s with 3 kids by two different women. You could have seen this coming from a mile away. Move on and don't waste your child bearing years with this man as you'll regret it

SnuggyBuggy · 01/07/2019 06:28

I think you're on to a loser. Even if he did want kids with you its one heck of a messy family set up.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/07/2019 07:19

If he was truly the one for you, you’d want him for him not for what he will give you.

Therefore it’s better to leave now before the existing children are caught up in the fallout.

CookieCheesecake · 01/07/2019 07:27

Leave.

Don’t give up on having children one day if it’s what you want.

Your 30 so will have plenty of time to find someone else and have exactly what you have now.

TheVanguardSix · 01/07/2019 07:29

He's not 'the one'. He's a hot mess.

Don't choose a guy to have a baby with. Choose a guy to raise a family with and choose well.

Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 01/07/2019 07:30

Thanks ladies.

Sometimes I want a child, and sometimes I don't. If I 100% knew I could and it's what I desperately wanted then this would be a lot easier, I would of course walk away. I just don't want that choice taken away from me.

He's a fantastic dad, the children stay with us 3-4 days a week (I work away for one of those days) and he supports his ex who would prefer not to work and dedicate her time to the children. It was about 9/10 months before I met them.

I'm not convinced he's lied, if that was the case and he was 'tricking me' why would he be honest now and not just wait until I said I wanted to start a family? He knows he might lose me.

My issue isn't with him as a person or the children he already has as I got into this relationship knowing his history. It's having the choice of a future child taken away from me.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread