Boyfriend doesn't want any more children

[Yelloworange1111]

My partner of almost two years let me know this weekend he doesn't want anymore children.

He (43) has three, aged 21, 5 & 3 and I (30) don't have any. We had the conversation when we first got together however he has now changed his mind. He knows the impact children have and doesn't want to ruin what we have and end up ultimately the same way his ex's.

I'm devastated. Whilst having young step children is lovely, it's not quite the same. He's an absolutely amazing boyfriend, we have an incredible connection, get on so well and never argue. I'm just not totally convinced I can can totally give up my choice of being a parent.

I now have the dilemma of staying in this wonderful relationship but potentially one day regretting my choice and resenting him, or walk away and find someone who wants to have a family. But what if the relationship isn't half of what I have now? Or what if I actually decide I am happy not being a mother and regret leaving the best partnership I've ever had. I'm very career minded and love to travel and be spontaneous.. all things that are very difficult with a young child. Or what if I can't have children and it was all for nothing? There's so much pressure that people get together, get married and have babies!

We talk about marriage and our future quite often and I see myself growing old with him.

Does anyone have any examples or experience in this situation?

No man is worth giving up on having children....
Especially NOT a man who fathered and abandoned several children

Splitting from their mom is not abandoning them.
And he has 3, not several, including a grown adult.
You don't know why his relationships ended

I think if you're doubting whether you should stay, then you should go.

Having children is the most incredible thing - you're at different stages in your life. He's got 13 years on you which means he's been able to experience things you haven't. Don't give up your dreams for him.

Is there anyone who has been in this situation personally? What did you do?

Not me but a friend. All she’s ever wanted is babies and marriage. All he wants is work and fun. He doesn’t have any DC and has said he won’t. They’ve already split over it once but she didn’t meet anyone decent so they’re back together and it’s grim to watch her sacrifice everything she’s ever wanted for a man who wants the opposite. That’s without the added heartbreak and complication of wrangling step children.

Having DSC isn’t “quite the same” or at all the same. You’re watching him do what you want to do with him and it’s never going to happen.

How he felt when his youngest was a small baby may have changed now he’s got an adult and two toddlers. Or he told you what you wanted to hear to get you and is now being honest. Walk away now. You might not be 100% on having babies of your own but if you stay it’s 100% not going to happen!

I know someone who was in almost exactly the same situation.

He said if she got pregnant he would leave her. He didn’t want more children

She “accidentally” got pregnant knowing she could end up being a single parent.

They are still together today.

The only difference was he was a very hands on father with his first wife and they split up because of other reasons not because of children.

I would never have given up my chance of motherhood for a man. I think you would end up resenting him. He’s already a parent and doesn’t care that you don’t get to experience being one. You are young, ditch him and find someone who wants to build a family with you. 🍀💙

Thanks again ladies :)

I think I've possibly painted him in a terrible light. He's an incredible dad who spends as much time with his children as exes and time will allow & he supports them financially considerably more than he 'has to'.

He's been very open and honest with me so I'm not angry with him at all.

I think where I'm struggling is 'I'm not 100% sure if I want children yet' and I don't want to give up my option by staying with him but equally I don't want to give up the most incredible relationship by leaving (and possibly never wanting my own child).

Walk away now before you get even more attached to him. You have 5 good years left to find someone else to have babies with!

They separated (in his words), because she totally changed and lost interested in anything she did before

How long did he give it and what did he try before coming to the conclusion that leaving was the best option? In all honesty, it doesn't sound like there was time for him to do anything but give up at the first hurdle. This does not sound like a keeper, to me.

Perhaps spend some time thoroughly thinking about whether or not you do want DC.

As with all relationships, particularly given his history, the risk is high of breaking up with him at some point, whether or not you have DC.

Suggest not waiting years to decide. Paternal age increases certain risks for you and any DC, eg sperm issues (but you’d be the one having the treatment),miscarriage, autism.

Another thing to consider is that in the event of a break up you would have no legal recourse re access to your step DC and could even end up with no contact with them whatsoever.

No man on this Earth is worth giving up a dream of having kids.

In this camp. Don't think he is worth this sacrifice, OP. You will end up with all the grind of raising small kids, given the ages of his youngest two, but without you loving and adoring them as their mum and vice versa. While he gets the best of all worlds, parenting part time and understanding younger girlfriend around too. You deserve better. It's out there.

2 lots of kids from 2 failed relationships. Yours would be the 3rd.

Not the best track history, is it?

I wouldn't want kids with someone who isn't likely to stick around in a relationship.

Walk away. You are at entirely different stages of life - if you want children you will resent him horribly in a few years. Be thankful he was up front with you.

I don't blame him tbh, he has plenty of children already.

I dated a man for 4 months (very intense though) where I was about 40 and wanted DC (hadn't had any by then). He already had a teenage DS and was adamant he didn't want any more as separated from his GF - teenage son's DM.

He changed his mind re being a father again to me, I finished with him and met DH and had 2 DC not long after this.

Ironically this man got married to a woman who has 3 DC from 2 different relationships, 2 of the DC are twin girls (now 4 years old) and one of the girls has a cystic fibrosis which requires lots of hospital treatment and a tube etc.

leave this idiot. You're 30 which is young enough to meet a nice man.

No man is worth giving up on having children....
Especially NOT a man who fathered and abandoned several children; and lied to you about wanting them, until you got settled into a relationship, and then boom...

(Oh but I'm sure him ending the marriage and breaking the family up was all his ex's fault, no doubt she got pregnant without his agreement and awful to live with, the poor guy).

*was awful to live with

You have 5 good years left to find someone else to have babies with!

People need to stop with the 35 thing. According to the NHS website, 90% of women under 40 fall pregnant within two years of having unprotected sex.

But anyway, the sooner you meet your future hub and father of your kids, the better.

You could always get a fertility check (by no means perfect but better than nothing) done if you are prepared to pay. It's useful to know.

They separated (in his words), because she totally changed and lost interested in anything she did before.

Could that have been because she was trying to mother two small kids/babies - which causes you to have trouble remembering your own name, let alone having an interest in and scintillating conversation about things not child related. I mean you can; but it's low priority, it's hard enough just keeping your head above water.

If he didn't understand that he sounds unreasonable and selfish.

So he has a previous family too - I mean ...

He's good at walking away isn't he (from full time parenting/family life - which is z hell of a lot more demanding than non resident single parent).

He also sounds sly/dishonest in that he didn't say no to more kids at the start, when he wanted to date and shag you but now hd knows you're attached and invested .. he "decides' he doesn't want more.

People crap themselves around 30 but 30 is young op.

Splitting from their mom is not abandoning them.
And he has 3, not several, including a grown adult.

It's abandoning their families.

3 is several; what are you talking about.

Mortality - there's a TON of assumptions here. I don't even know where to start.

He's never blamed his ex for their separation or even remotely acted like the victim. He takes full responsibility.

I'm not suggesting the outcome would be any different if we did have a child, however, her and I are very different people. Nothing negative on either side, just different views.

£He takes full responsibility.*

He takes full responsibility for breaking up his very young family and leaving his ex to be a single mum (whether he has access or not)?

Then quite honestly, I don't know why you got into a relationship with a man like that in the first place.

The only good thing I could say is that at least he fully realises that he's no good as a live in, full time father, partner and family man and is not irresponsible enough to do what he's done to more children (and another woman).

Anyway my advice stands; fertility check, leave and try utmost to meet someone else to have your family with.

He's never blamed his ex for their separation

You said he said she was no longer interested in the things she was interested in before; that's completely understandable in the early stages of two young kids, and while he's not blaming her exactly, he is saying she changed and he wouldn't accept it/wasn't happy with it.

But it's perfectly understandable why she may have changed and not had an interest in the things she did before (for a few years or at all). So it's unreasonable not to understand that, and it also seems unreasonable/extreme to end a relationship with two very young children due to that.

You seem to have your head in the clouds about this guy. I'm not the only poster on here to point out his track record isn't good.

You should probably be glad he doesn't want more kids.

He takes full responsibility for their break up... you suggested he blames her which he doesn't. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond

OP I was you 5 years ago. 30, with my parter who was 41 for 2 years, madly in love however he had 2 children and decided he didn’t want more after telling me for the last two years “never say never” I had all the fears you have. What if I never find anyone else, what if I can’t have children etc. In the end he ended it as I didn’t have the guts and he knew I would resent him for it in the long run. 5 years on I have the most amazing little girl, new partner and I a so happy he let me go.