Boyfriend doesn't want any more children

[Yelloworange1111]

My partner of almost two years let me know this weekend he doesn't want anymore children.

He (43) has three, aged 21, 5 & 3 and I (30) don't have any. We had the conversation when we first got together however he has now changed his mind. He knows the impact children have and doesn't want to ruin what we have and end up ultimately the same way his ex's.

I'm devastated. Whilst having young step children is lovely, it's not quite the same. He's an absolutely amazing boyfriend, we have an incredible connection, get on so well and never argue. I'm just not totally convinced I can can totally give up my choice of being a parent.

I now have the dilemma of staying in this wonderful relationship but potentially one day regretting my choice and resenting him, or walk away and find someone who wants to have a family. But what if the relationship isn't half of what I have now? Or what if I actually decide I am happy not being a mother and regret leaving the best partnership I've ever had. I'm very career minded and love to travel and be spontaneous.. all things that are very difficult with a young child. Or what if I can't have children and it was all for nothing? There's so much pressure that people get together, get married and have babies!

We talk about marriage and our future quite often and I see myself growing old with him.

Does anyone have any examples or experience in this situation?

no doubt she got pregnant without his agreement and awful to live with, the poor guy).

This was certainly an assumption (before I read what you said the reasons he gave for ending the relationship with the mum of his two young children) based on what many men tend to say when they leave women with small kids .. and i apologise for that. The rest was not an assumption.

Ok OP, he is perfect, a wonderful father, partner and ex-partner.

What do you want people to tell you? Whether or not you want children? Only you can decide that. I’m sure you used the term devastated in your OP which is pretty strong language to use if you are not that bothered about children. Is it possible that you are trying to convince yourself you don’t want children to make it easier to stay.

People do give up the chance of children for a strong relationship. There may be a lifetime tinged with regret but you may also be happy with your choice. Or your relationship may end in 10 years and you have neither the relationship or the children.

What the others said. Your bar is so low a flea could limbo under it. I mean, really? You were 28 with a brilliant career and you gave over the time of day to some 41-year-old with three kids by two different women who had walked away from a toddler and baby? What a loser! Why would you even want to procreate and make him a 4x3? What Sn1aid said. He saw you coming! He's not an 'incredible dad' just because he sees his kids and pays for them, he ditched the mothers, one of whom had two little kids, when the going got tough with 'she changed' as an excuse. He's a Disney dad.

Dear god.

You're wasting your life and your time but it's yours to waste.

I've not been in your exact situation personally because there's no way on this Earth when I was single and childfree that I'd have even considered a single date with a guy who was 13 years older than I was and that three bloody kids (or any, for that matter). But I was once married to a man who decided he never wanted kids. Well, that person who said 'No man on Earth' is worth giving up your chance to have kids is right: we got a divorce. I then met DH and we have 2 kids.

Get some self-respect here, OP.

If I were you I'd bring it up again and explain that you are 100% willing to leave if he will not have a child with you. People do change their minds. I'd be inclined to have a serious conversation about it with him and suggest some space to think it over.

If he says no then leave because as others have said, no man is worth giving up your dream of having children. So I really wouldn't risk giving that up. There could be a fantastic guy out there for you (and with a less messy set up!)

Thanks all, I appreciate all the responses.

Taking a few days out to clear my head and decide what I want.

If I were you I'd bring it up again and explain that you are 100% willing to leave if he will not have a child with you. People do change their minds.

I wouldn't be encouraging op to have kids with this man.

He has two examples to date of how he doesn't "do" live-in hubby, daddy or family man. How many more do you want.

Ltb

If you decide YOU don’t want DC with hin, or at all, and to stay in the relationship

Single friends with no DC who date fathers ALWAYS say their boyfriends are “amazing fathers”, usually just because the men talk about their DC lovingly and pay anything over the minimum maintenance (with cash left over for dating). Some of these men only parent their DC every other weekend, through their own choice - not my definition of a good parent. At least your DP has his younger two DC several nights a week.

Sorry, I meant that if you decide no DC and to stay, suggest making clear to him that you may change your mind and want DC in the future and may therefore end the relationship then.

I'm not suggesting the outcome would be any different if we did have a child, however, her and I are very different people. Nothing negative on either side, just different views

I think you are probably more similar than you think.

Not too sure what you mean by being an incredible father

All the things you list are just normal stuff that fathers do. They are not actions of being a great father.

A great father would have made the relationship to their mother work and not bailed at the first sign that they were not number 1 anymore