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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want any more children

85 replies

Yelloworange1111 · 30/06/2019 20:32

My partner of almost two years let me know this weekend he doesn't want anymore children.

He (43) has three, aged 21, 5 & 3 and I (30) don't have any. We had the conversation when we first got together however he has now changed his mind. He knows the impact children have and doesn't want to ruin what we have and end up ultimately the same way his ex's.

I'm devastated. Whilst having young step children is lovely, it's not quite the same. He's an absolutely amazing boyfriend, we have an incredible connection, get on so well and never argue. I'm just not totally convinced I can can totally give up my choice of being a parent.

I now have the dilemma of staying in this wonderful relationship but potentially one day regretting my choice and resenting him, or walk away and find someone who wants to have a family. But what if the relationship isn't half of what I have now? Or what if I actually decide I am happy not being a mother and regret leaving the best partnership I've ever had. I'm very career minded and love to travel and be spontaneous.. all things that are very difficult with a young child. Or what if I can't have children and it was all for nothing? There's so much pressure that people get together, get married and have babies!

We talk about marriage and our future quite often and I see myself growing old with him.

Does anyone have any examples or experience in this situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

Yelloworange1111 · 01/07/2019 07:31

Is there anyone who has been in this situation personally? What did you do?

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 01/07/2019 07:34

He knows the impact children have and doesn't want to ruin what we have and end up ultimately the same way his ex's.

So basically, kids ruin shit and he leaves when the going gets tough.
He left when his younger were babes. That rubs the wrong way. It really does. Babies are hard work, OP. And we raise them with partners who will get their boots muddy with us. I can't emphasize how important it is to have children with someone on your wavelength.
He is telling you that he is not on your page. Listen to him. Don't try and change what you can't.

Lweji · 01/07/2019 07:35

He's your Richard; you need a Chandler.

I used this expression on a similar thread a while ago and it's true.

You're at different stages in your life and you want different things.
Neither of you is wrong.
You can find another amazing man who is at the same stage in life as you.

TheVanguardSix · 01/07/2019 07:35

What's the story with the 21 year old child?

cushioncovers · 01/07/2019 07:39

You need to walk away. Even if you persuade him to change his mind he will most likely walk away from you and the dc if it's not what he wants deep down. You are still young enough to meet someone else

Original poster

Yelloworange1111 · 01/07/2019 07:43

The Vanguard - I do agree with you there.

They separated (in his words), because she totally changed and lost interested in anything she did before. He hasn't said anything about it being incredibly tough, although I'm sure it was. More that they had stuff in common before and that all disappeared. They are very amicable and he fully supports her financially and with their children.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 01/07/2019 07:47

Does he work on the days the children are with you?

cushioncovers · 01/07/2019 07:47

I would interpret this as she became a mother, grew up and probably her priorities changed which didn't suit him.

Dodahdodah · 01/07/2019 07:54

I have a friend who gave up having children in very similar circumstances. Their marriage is one where everything is done his way, she has no say.

Walk away OP, this is a massive red flag.

MarthasGinYard · 01/07/2019 07:59

'They separated (in his words), because she totally changed and lost interested in anything she did before.'

That alone would be a massive RF to me.

With 2 small dc and him well checked out and on the prowl before they were even toddlers....I'm really not surprised.

She was probably exhausted

And he clearly cared not a jot to ride out the tough times.

So he didn't want dc with a 3rd woman at least he's got some sense of responsibility.

avalanching · 01/07/2019 07:59

He's had 3 children, his youngest 2 are still so young, I can't say I blame him really, it's an expensive and complicated set up. I'd write this one off I think, and would see the break up with such young children as a red flag.

slowco4ch · 01/07/2019 08:02

No judgement on your partner as we don't know the history. For your sake though, walk away now.

Feelingwalkedover · 01/07/2019 08:02

Walk away
Selfish twat , leading you on for 2 years

Feelingwalkedover · 01/07/2019 08:06

Kids stAy with you 3/4 days a week and he supports ex who dosnt work ...????????

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/07/2019 08:08

Given what you've said about him, I suspect t this is the right decision for him and his reason is a little airbrushes but also honest.

He isn't good at the early days, he isn't good at sticking together and supporting someone through the early days of children, and he doesn't want to risk losing interest in you because you're suddenly a mum, and have other priorities. At least he's seen that!

So it comes down to you. Do you have any instinct on what you want? There's no wrong answer here. I've always been career orientated and unsure if I would, but over the past year or so and especially since I got engaged, I've been weirdly sure that I do want to try in the next few years. Had you envisioned children with him? Talked about them when talking about your future together?

Littletabbyocelot · 01/07/2019 08:38

I haven't been where you are but I was told with absolute certainty (I ended up getting a 2nd opinion) that I'd never have children. It was one of the most incredibly painful experiences of my life. I would have got through it, we would have built a really happy life focused on other things BUT first my DH and I would have grieved that together. I couldn't have stayed and built that life if he was the reason I couldn't have kids, especially if he had children of his own and got all the positives of that while enjoying the benefits of a child free lifestyle half the time with you. It's win win for him, and if you genuinely don't want kids it could be good for you too. But if you do want them, staying, watching him enjoy his kids while you give up on the chance of having your own, resenting that his choice means you can't have them, not having the full benefits of a child free lifestyle because he isn't child free, feels like lose lose for you. Will it add weight to every disagreement because you wonder if he's 'worth it'?

I'd take some time away to figure out if you really want children but if you do, then I think you have to give yourself that chance

Loopytiles · 01/07/2019 08:49

He told you now because he doesn’t think you’ll leave.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/07/2019 09:05

Semperderlm, I don't agree. For the reasons I've already said. From meeting somebody to actively deciding I want to have a baby with them, would be at the very earliest, a year or so in, not days/weeks/months. Everybody's different.

The thread is weird. The same old posters leaping on to call 'deadbeat dad' when OP says he isn't. If what an OP says is irrelevant then what's the point?

OP... you know the timeline of your conversations and you know your partner. Do what is best for you so that you're at peace with your decision, whatever it is. There are no certainties in life either so being told 'find a good one to raise a family with' is a bit smug but does illustrate my point; finding somebody you want to have children with, takes some time - and it should.

Musti · 01/07/2019 09:12

He left his ex when his kids were tiny because her interests had changed?? She had no fucking choice because for a few years she'd been pregnant and given birth and had two babies! What a cock. He just wants someone to dote on him and his needs without pesky kids getting in the way.

So why is he doing 50% of parenting when she doesn't work? That doesn't ring true op. And who looks after these kids when they are with you?

Aside from that, I wouldn't give up having children for any man. But I also wouldn't in a million years have kids with your boyfriend.

Meowington · 01/07/2019 09:59

Speaking from the other side of it, being a childfree woman is nothing short of fabulous. If you’re on the fence about it I’d think very carefully before giving up someone you adore for the drudgery of child rearing. Lots of people discover motherhood isn’t what it’s cracked up to be (because it isn’t) and have openly admitted (been numerous posts on here) that given half a chance they’d get their old life back.

OhNoooNotAgain · 01/07/2019 10:13

What does she do 50% of the time? Unless she has disabilities or something of course. Also, what is the childcare situation?

Alwaysgrey · 01/07/2019 10:20

I’ve changed since I’ve had kids. I’m not the same person (but then my kids have special needs). Things do change when you have kids. I think you need to assess what you want. If it is kids I probably wouldn’t have them with this guy as it’s likely he could walk away. Having kids isn’t the be all and end all. It is great but it’s also tough. I think we’re conditioned to follow a certain path - school, university, marriage, house, babies. And that doesn’t work for everyone and it’s okay to not want kids but only you can decide whether you want them or not. Or whether your dp is enough on his own.

Birdie6 · 01/07/2019 10:33

They separated (in his words), because she totally changed and lost interested in anything she did before

Well yes, she had two little children so they were her priority. And he didn't like that so off he went, looking for someone young and single with none of those pesky kids .

He's walked away from two women who had his children - why do you want to be number 3 ?

cushioncovers · 01/07/2019 10:38

Birdie exactly

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/07/2019 10:45

You do know that in the early days that children become the priority and if he wasn’t pulling his weight (which it sounds like it given he hasn’t mentioned how hard it was) then his exw was doing everything.

She was probably knackered.

They get on better now because she is getting a break and he is pulling his weight a bit more. (Or do you do most of the childcare when the children come round)

He wants someone who will be all over him and do his bidding.

Children take the focus off him and he can’t handle it.

Even if you never have children. Run for the hills.

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