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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Twin still hasn’t accepted my pregnancy 8 months in and his bullying is getting out of hand

100 replies

eesjcs · 30/06/2019 12:16

I fell pregnant at the end of 2018 just before I turned 21. I refused to have an abortion and the father walked out on me after that. I’ve dealt with all this in my stride, completed my final year at university and have received all the support from my family. I’m lucky enough to live in a nice big family home in a nice area and plan on working as soon as I’m ready because I know this is my responsibility and choice. As the pregnancy is coming to an end my family and friends are starting to get really excited, as am I, yet my borther is still giving me a hard time, particularly when no one else is around. His reaction to me finding out I was pregnant was by far the worse out of all of my family and friends. Though people were shocked, they respected my decision and came around. My brother refused to talk to me for days. He said he was booking a holiday when the baby was due so he wouldn’t have to see ‘it’ and that he would find a way to move out. I had asked the people who knew not to put anything on social media or gossip about it, purely because I am fiercely private and wanted the father to have space from the situation hoping he maybe would eventually come around. My brother then proceeded to tell all of his friends, even the personal details about the situation with the father etc, and would then send me messages of people asking him and his friends about it and tell me I can’t complain about gossip because I chose it. He would refer to the baby things such as ‘it’ or ‘the kid’ and would tell people I was an ‘idiot’ and ‘got myself pregnant.’ I take full responsibility for having unprotected sex but it still stung as I hadn’t realised my medicine had effected my birth control and he didn’t seem to blame the person who got me pregnant at all. I managed to get some distance because I shortly went back to uni and will be graduating at exactly 9 months in July with a 2:1. There was an optimistic vibe in uni and that’s where I started having scans and planning baby names etc with my housemates. In April I had a massive gender reveal party where people travelled all the way from uni and loads of my friends and family came, including my brother who had made it clear he wanted it to be a boy and wore blue. When it was revealed I was expecting a girl, he had a very OTT and dismayed reaction and was the only one to do so. At first I didn’t think much of it but I soon resented him for refusing to call the baby anything other than ‘it’ despite her now having a gender and a name. When we started buying stuff for the baby his behaviour grew worse. My auntie very generously bought a very nice and expensive pram which I’m so lucky to own. When my brother saw it he said I was spoilt and that he deserved something worth that much too. After seeing the nursery for the first time he pretended to punch the Moses basket which made my mum furious. When we came back with loads of stuff we had bought he waited until our mum had left the room and told me really insensitive things like he didn’t blame the father for walking out on me and that I should have an abortion because he wanted it which drove me to tears as I was now heavily pregnant and had never wanted an abortion. He would also say that I wouldn’t even look after the baby and my parents would. He told me I would have to start dating after giving birth for financial support. I have worked since I was 16 and worked for as long as I could in between uni while pregnant while he refuses to even apply for summer jobs so just find his views unbearable. When my parents went away he told me he would leave any girl he got pregnant because he wouldn’t want it but also wouldn’t be stupid enough to get into that situtation, in front of his girlfriend, and that it’s double standards that women get to choose whether to keep the baby or not. When he sees me getting upset he starts smirking and laughing - thought he won’t dare say this in front of other people showing him to be the bully he is. His sexist views disgust me and makes me worry for how he will treat my daughter. He said he’d make his girlfriend have an abortion which upset her greatly and in the end I had to leave the room. He has one more year left in uni so won’t be around the baby much but the thought of having to live with him with a baby makes me sick. We’ve never had the typical sibling, let alone twin, bond but now it feels like he’s bullying me because he’s jealous of the attention but there’s no way to talk him out of things. I don’t know why he has any reason to be jealous of me when he’s always been really academically gifted and got into all the top universities and won awards at schools etc, and has had a long term girlfriend. I’ve always had to work really hard and never done quite as well as him and an a survivor of abuse and have had a few failed relationships, including the one with the father who I don’t even mention. I just don’t know what to do and would at least like some way of coping because I know my mum would never make him leave. She hates the way he talks about the baby and me but it doesn’t stop him. I really just want to cut him from life at this point, the way he used to treat me when we were younger resulted in me having to go to a different school. He let his friends smash up my bedroom when I was out and doesn’t stop them walking into my room and invading my privacy - which led to them all being banned. My friends hate him and his friends which shows its not just a sibling rivalry. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself because I’m really excited about the baby and knew there would be discrimination, it’s just something in starting to get sick of and want to be as relaxed and as happy as I can be for the remainder of my pregnancy. Thank you.

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 30/06/2019 14:12

Move out, get your own living space and disengage from your brother who doesn't sound that safe to be around.

readitandwept · 30/06/2019 14:17

Show your parents this thread, OP.

He's a danger to you, your baby, and also females in general, I would say.

sheshootssheimplores · 30/06/2019 14:22

I agree about the recording of his comments. Your family need to know just what’s going on when they’re not there. If you come from a wealthy family they just might get him sorted I. His own flat somewherend keep him away from you.

Sicario · 30/06/2019 14:26

Your brother is an arsehole.

SwordofGryffindor · 30/06/2019 14:28

Fair play to you for doing this alone even at your young age you seem very intelligent and ready for it ! :)

From a medical pov your brother needs medical help and needs to see a psychiatrist maybe inform your parents asap incase he does anything to the baby.

GreenTulips · 30/06/2019 14:34

I’m wondering if he has always been the golden child?

RebootYourEngine · 30/06/2019 14:37

You and especially your baby are in danger. Can you see this?

You need to leave and find somewhere else to live.

dragonway · 30/06/2019 14:47

He’s very mentally ill and should not be alone with your baby. Ever.

Middersweekly · 30/06/2019 15:01

He sounds like an entitled, spoilt, jealous little twat! He’s realized he can’t compete with all the attention you’re receiving so is throwing his toys out of the pram in a jealous tantrum! Tell him to grow the f**k up and get a life! I also hope his GF dumps him after his misogynistic views were aired!
The best thing you can do is try and relax, get your degree finished and focus on nesting ready for the baby. I imagine his jealousy will increase again once the baby actually arrives and everyone is fussing! Ignore him and let him brood would be my advice!

SandyY2K · 30/06/2019 15:06

Well his GF is a fool to stay with him after he's shown his true colours.

Your brother sounds mentally ill and reminds me of watching 'Psychopath' with Piers Morgan earlier in the week.

It showed a boy (now man) who murdered his 6 year old sister when he was 13.

Your parents have clearly enabled his behaviour...by doing nothing when his friends smashed up your room.

It also shows you what kind of friends he has...to behave like that. He suffers no consequences for his behaviour. I'd have called the police to report criminal damage.

Your brother is off the charts, but your parents play a role in this.

Stay safe and never let him near your baby unsupervised. Which means don't leave the baby with your mum or dad, because they won't carry through on it and will let him be near the baby.

He's a total nutter.

Haffiana · 30/06/2019 15:15

When you have your baby you won't have space or time for all this squabbling, attention-seeking, his gang of friends/your gang of friends hatred and side-taking, and all the rest of the playground sibling rivalry.

Who the fuck cares what he says he would or wouldn't theoretically do if his theoretical girlfriend got pregnant? It is not your situation and has nothing to do with you.

You are going to be a mother. Time to put aside all childish things.

Middersweekly · 30/06/2019 15:15

@GreenTulips, my thoughts exactly! He’s apparently academically gifted so has likely always been the golden boy and centre of attention. He can’t stand the shine being taken off him in the form of his pregnant sister because quite frankly he simply can’t comprehend how a baby is more amaizing than him! It’s a very childish way to behave and often with highly academic gifted children, their emotional development is somewhat lagging behind, there is also the possibility he’s on the Autistic Spectrum I would say.

IShitGlitter · 30/06/2019 15:26

set up a camera in your room and show your parents then leave

InionEile · 30/06/2019 15:33

You need to tell your parents what he is saying and how he’s behaving. It’s horrible. He might be academically gifted but emotionally he sounds about 12 years old. And a sociopathic 12 year old at that.

He needs to move out. There is no way you can safely raise the baby with him in the house. How will you be able to breastfeed? How will he cope when the baby cries and wakes him up at night? How will you keep the baby safe from him? You need to be upfront with your parents and tell them you feel unsafe around your brother.

CherryPavIova · 30/06/2019 15:53

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Bananalanacake · 30/06/2019 16:16

I agree with the grey rock technique or agree with everything he says in a sarcastic voice. that's how I dealt with bullies.

eesjcs · 30/06/2019 16:17

Stuff do with his friends etc is from when we were younger and hardly normal forms of sibling rivalry, it was vandalism and invasion of privacy and was just demonstrating that the relationship has never been an easy one. Belittling my decision to not have an abortion and justifying the father running away from his consequences and not recognising abortion or keeping a baby as a woman’s choice was what his words showed - the treatment of his girlfriend further showing how he is also treating me and hardly the main point of the post. There are no ‘gangs’ between mine and his friends, they two separate groups because one is disrespectful and the other isn’t, was just trying to show behaviour has been recognised by other people and provide the whole picture. Came here for help not to be ‘childish’ since it obviously isn’t an easy thing to talk about within the family and I’m perfectly aware I’m going to be a mother, hence why I came looking for help. Completely missed the point.

OP posts:
Pinkfinkle · 30/06/2019 16:22

The secret camera idea is good, that way you have solid evidence and it’s not just he said she said.

You really need to tell your parents. You’re in a vulnerable position right now. I wouldn’t bank on him not harming the baby, as horrible as that is to accept, punching the Moses basket was a huge red flag. His language towards the baby is also vile.

He’s ultimately a safeguarding risk to both you and your baby. You need to either move out yourself or ask your parents to force him to.

Tavannach · 30/06/2019 16:27

How is he with animals, how are animals with him?

That's a good question.

Genuinely I would never allow him to be alone with her.

Me neither.

Does your brother spend a lot of time on his computer? Watching porn maybe? Whatever, he's a real misogynist and you should start making plans on how you're going to get your own place. Register with the council for a start.

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/06/2019 16:28

This dynamic between you existed before you got pregnant.
Your parents have done nothing to sort it out.

They are still not taking it seriously.
You also need to speak up and tell them EXACTLY what he says/does when there's no independent witnesses around.

In the longterm, you need to move into your own place.
You chose to go ahead with the pregnancy but yet it's your parents who are providing the accommodation and money to facilitate this.
Whilst they're supporting you, they are also enabling the same entitled behaviour that is present tin your brother.

bigchris · 30/06/2019 16:38

Please listen to all the posters here

You're not safe and neither is your baby Sad

bigchris · 30/06/2019 16:39

Ignore @CherryPavIova this is not the thread for troll hunting , report if you have concerns

ButiLoveHim32 · 30/06/2019 16:40

Interesting first post Why is there always someone that posts this? Why not say what you mean Cherry

Coronapop · 30/06/2019 16:40

I find the whole concept of gender reveal parties completely OTT especially given the circumstances you are in. You sound rather immature and attention seeking, as though you want to be congratulated for becoming a single mother to a baby who will probably not have a father involved. It is not something to be proud of. You will soon have more to occupy you than worrying what your brother thinks. Ignore him, and the best of luck.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 30/06/2019 16:41

He's a misogynistic abusive cock. Likely narcissist who can't stand you getting attention, potentially sociopathic. His wish for a boy over girl just shows how sexist he is, never mind his views on women keeping children/abortion 🤮
Not much advice above what's been said already but never ever underestimate him or give him the benefit of the doubt. Treat him as a threat and never let your guard down.