Twin still hasn’t accepted my pregnancy 8 months in and his bullying is getting out of hand

[eesjcs]

I fell pregnant at the end of 2018 just before I turned 21. I refused to have an abortion and the father walked out on me after that. I’ve dealt with all this in my stride, completed my final year at university and have received all the support from my family. I’m lucky enough to live in a nice big family home in a nice area and plan on working as soon as I’m ready because I know this is my responsibility and choice. As the pregnancy is coming to an end my family and friends are starting to get really excited, as am I, yet my borther is still giving me a hard time, particularly when no one else is around. His reaction to me finding out I was pregnant was by far the worse out of all of my family and friends. Though people were shocked, they respected my decision and came around. My brother refused to talk to me for days. He said he was booking a holiday when the baby was due so he wouldn’t have to see ‘it’ and that he would find a way to move out. I had asked the people who knew not to put anything on social media or gossip about it, purely because I am fiercely private and wanted the father to have space from the situation hoping he maybe would eventually come around. My brother then proceeded to tell all of his friends, even the personal details about the situation with the father etc, and would then send me messages of people asking him and his friends about it and tell me I can’t complain about gossip because I chose it. He would refer to the baby things such as ‘it’ or ‘the kid’ and would tell people I was an ‘idiot’ and ‘got myself pregnant.’ I take full responsibility for having unprotected sex but it still stung as I hadn’t realised my medicine had effected my birth control and he didn’t seem to blame the person who got me pregnant at all. I managed to get some distance because I shortly went back to uni and will be graduating at exactly 9 months in July with a 2:1. There was an optimistic vibe in uni and that’s where I started having scans and planning baby names etc with my housemates. In April I had a massive gender reveal party where people travelled all the way from uni and loads of my friends and family came, including my brother who had made it clear he wanted it to be a boy and wore blue. When it was revealed I was expecting a girl, he had a very OTT and dismayed reaction and was the only one to do so. At first I didn’t think much of it but I soon resented him for refusing to call the baby anything other than ‘it’ despite her now having a gender and a name. When we started buying stuff for the baby his behaviour grew worse. My auntie very generously bought a very nice and expensive pram which I’m so lucky to own. When my brother saw it he said I was spoilt and that he deserved something worth that much too. After seeing the nursery for the first time he pretended to punch the Moses basket which made my mum furious. When we came back with loads of stuff we had bought he waited until our mum had left the room and told me really insensitive things like he didn’t blame the father for walking out on me and that I should have an abortion because he wanted it which drove me to tears as I was now heavily pregnant and had never wanted an abortion. He would also say that I wouldn’t even look after the baby and my parents would. He told me I would have to start dating after giving birth for financial support. I have worked since I was 16 and worked for as long as I could in between uni while pregnant while he refuses to even apply for summer jobs so just find his views unbearable. When my parents went away he told me he would leave any girl he got pregnant because he wouldn’t want it but also wouldn’t be stupid enough to get into that situtation, in front of his girlfriend, and that it’s double standards that women get to choose whether to keep the baby or not. When he sees me getting upset he starts smirking and laughing - thought he won’t dare say this in front of other people showing him to be the bully he is. His sexist views disgust me and makes me worry for how he will treat my daughter. He said he’d make his girlfriend have an abortion which upset her greatly and in the end I had to leave the room. He has one more year left in uni so won’t be around the baby much but the thought of having to live with him with a baby makes me sick. We’ve never had the typical sibling, let alone twin, bond but now it feels like he’s bullying me because he’s jealous of the attention but there’s no way to talk him out of things. I don’t know why he has any reason to be jealous of me when he’s always been really academically gifted and got into all the top universities and won awards at schools etc, and has had a long term girlfriend. I’ve always had to work really hard and never done quite as well as him and an a survivor of abuse and have had a few failed relationships, including the one with the father who I don’t even mention. I just don’t know what to do and would at least like some way of coping because I know my mum would never make him leave. She hates the way he talks about the baby and me but it doesn’t stop him. I really just want to cut him from life at this point, the way he used to treat me when we were younger resulted in me having to go to a different school. He let his friends smash up my bedroom when I was out and doesn’t stop them walking into my room and invading my privacy - which led to them all being banned. My friends hate him and his friends which shows its not just a sibling rivalry. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself because I’m really excited about the baby and knew there would be discrimination, it’s just something in starting to get sick of and want to be as relaxed and as happy as I can be for the remainder of my pregnancy. Thank you.

His course is a year longer so will be back at his uni house a few hours away so come September he won’t be here until Christmas

Done be alone with him, so he doesn't get the chance to taunt you like that.

You need to move out pronto. He may not get physical with the baby but I bet money on him being more abusive once the baby is here. You will be tired and more vulnerable so it will be easier to make you cry/angry and he'll use the baby crying, waking up at night etc as an excuse to be even more vile. The baby being a girl means that she will be in the firing line too imo. You can't ask your parents to kick him out but you desperately need to find a sanctuary imo,

Your post gave me the chills.

So so odd behaviour. I'd be making sure you aren't left alone with him and be raising this with friends and family.

He sounds like a sociopath to me. I'd be planning on moving out and going no contact with him, I really don't think there is anything good going to come from this. He enjoys your pain and humiliation, your parents are scared of him, can you see the situation changing? He will more than likely include your daughter in his cruel sick games when she's old enough because it will amuse him.

Get out now!

Op you're living with someone abusive, and your daughter is soon to be a part of that dynamic. You need to leave.

Him being back at uni only means you have time to plan, he'll be back at Christmas.

Also you need to tell your midwife.

Imagine someone was saying this about a partner? Punching a Moses basket?

First of all, eesjcs, you sound like a really sweet person who is dealing with your unplanned pregnancy very well. Your daughter will be fortunate to have a mother like you.

Quite frankly, your brother sounds like a monster. He is a bully who doesn't dare to behave so badly in front of others and it is quite scary. If there is any way you can record him when he is sounding off to you, it would be helpful, proof of how he is when you're alone with him.

When your brother has finished uni, I sincerely hope he moves out of your parents' house so you can limit contact. If there is any way you can move into a place of your own, take it, however when your baby is small you will need the support of your mum and dad so shouldn't have to rush into moving.

Take care.

@RageAgainstTheVendingMachine some university courses here are 3 years, some are 4. In Scotland they’re all 4 years. 4 years in England/Wales/NI usually means the 3rd here is spent out in industry (usually called a placement year) but can just be a longer course. My uni course was optional 3 years or 4 years with a placement year.

She tells the midwife and it becomes a social services/safeguarding issue - doubt whether she wants to be in a hostel with a newborn - so unless you are saying social services will take steps to rehouse her, how is that going to help long term? Brother needs to be told straight by both parents to stop being a dick or find somewhere lese to stay out of term time.

Yes buffalo I did a 4 year course in the UK - it wasn't clear from the OP what the situation was - to be honest, if he is off on holiday in July and can shack up with his gf August it is less of a hassle than if he was actually living at home - He's not going to be there most of the time then hopefully will have plans after graduation?

Was he with your babydaddy before or something?

@RageAgainstTheVendingMachine , you are minimising the danger to this baby.
The uncle is not merely 'being a dick'. He's a threat and should not be allowed to live in the same house.

There's a lot of hysteria all over MN today including many first time posters including this one.

D9nt move out OP, you will need financial and emotional support. Bullying talk is very different to hurting a baby. Just as pps say he must never be alone with her. He may go the other way if you make a big deal about him being a cool uncle, you never know babies change people. Or the crying will drive him to move out. Either way you need your parents and if they see untoward behaviour when she arrives surely they would kick him out?

I do think you need to discuss this with the midwife. To be honest I think you have a dysfunctional family where everyone has been trying to deny your brother's awful treatment of you.
He sounds mentally unstable and if this was a partner we would all be telling you to flee the situation (his gf should definitely get out now - what someone tells you about themselves you should believe).
Your baby will not be safe with him, neither will you. And your parents haven't done much to protect you so far, so you can't assume they will suddenly step in in future.

Have already made the agreement to not leave him alone with me again and that they need to sit down and sort it out - it still appears to be a jealousy thing but I think I’m going to tell them in private about my concerns especially after seeing these replies - he’s away all of next week so the space might help

Your brother sounds like a jealous, abusive spoilt child and definitely not someone who should be around a baby. Op have a serious chat with your parents about his behaviour if the won't do nothing I'd start looking at other alternatives, if he goes out of his way to upset you now to get spiteful pleasure how will you handle it after you've given birth, are tired and hormonal? You'll be alot more vulnerable. If you can't afford to move out is there another family member who you could live with until you have a place of your own? And if I was you I'd cut all contact with your brother

Could you secretly record him for a week or so?

I'd then add the recordings to a family message group between your parents and him and ask for help on how to deal with this because you are scared his spiteful bullying will ruin the early days of you bonding with your baby.

Just say you are simply asking for help and support from your parents as you can no longer deal with him on your own.

This is blood curdling to read.

I don't understand why your parents have not stepped in ? I get that some parents rather let the children sort things between themselves, but this is waaaaay beyond that, have they not picked up on his behaviour ? why didn't they get him some help when he was younger ?

Your brother needs profesional help.

You may have agreements in place with your parents for when the baby arrives but sometimes things crop up, plans change and if he's present, it's clearly not safe for your baby.

You say people change when a baby comes, that's normally a parent tht changes, your brother is unlikely to 'come around' if anything he may get worse.

For the sake of your baby, I'd be putting FIRM plans in place with your parents, like, getting him not to stay there ever. If your brother has illness in his brain he is not going to be able to think clearly or act rationally.

@eesjcs you definitely need to speak to your parents and tell them exactly what you have written on here!!

Tell them if it continues when the baby is here and he moves home you will have to move out with the baby because its not a good environment for her to grow up in, you cant make your parents choose between the two of you but if they don't start doing something about his behaviour then they are choosing him without saying it out loud 🤷🏻‍♀️

The past behaviours you describe to you and his gf (before your pregnancy) - are on their own v abusive and disturbing - sociopathic as PP has said.

Has this ever concerned you ? Is this behaviour your acceptable normal?

There should have been measures taken on this already. Where are your boundaries ? Are you parents complicit in allowing his abuse?

I bet you could pull a long list of his bullying behaviours from all your life together - incidents may have been lower key but it is the totality of it that shows the pattern. What were the consequences?

Your pregnancy has triggered something even more deep and dangerous in him. His social media shaming of you is a criminal offence - stalking / harassment / defamation etc. This is v serious.

He will continue to emotionally abuse you when you are at your most vulnerable....and your DD.

You need to detach from him physically and emotionally and seek some deep psychotherapy to untangle you from this toxic mesh - otherwise your motherhood will be blighted by him as will your new baby.

As others have said, the crucial thing here is to never, ever, ever leave him alone with your precious baby girl. Ever. Even if he seems to “mature” as you hope.

I’d be going NC with him because who says he won’t graduate from mentally abusing you to physically abusing you without warning? Obviously you’re especially vulnerable being pregnant.