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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Twin still hasn’t accepted my pregnancy 8 months in and his bullying is getting out of hand

100 replies

eesjcs · 30/06/2019 12:16

I fell pregnant at the end of 2018 just before I turned 21. I refused to have an abortion and the father walked out on me after that. I’ve dealt with all this in my stride, completed my final year at university and have received all the support from my family. I’m lucky enough to live in a nice big family home in a nice area and plan on working as soon as I’m ready because I know this is my responsibility and choice. As the pregnancy is coming to an end my family and friends are starting to get really excited, as am I, yet my borther is still giving me a hard time, particularly when no one else is around. His reaction to me finding out I was pregnant was by far the worse out of all of my family and friends. Though people were shocked, they respected my decision and came around. My brother refused to talk to me for days. He said he was booking a holiday when the baby was due so he wouldn’t have to see ‘it’ and that he would find a way to move out. I had asked the people who knew not to put anything on social media or gossip about it, purely because I am fiercely private and wanted the father to have space from the situation hoping he maybe would eventually come around. My brother then proceeded to tell all of his friends, even the personal details about the situation with the father etc, and would then send me messages of people asking him and his friends about it and tell me I can’t complain about gossip because I chose it. He would refer to the baby things such as ‘it’ or ‘the kid’ and would tell people I was an ‘idiot’ and ‘got myself pregnant.’ I take full responsibility for having unprotected sex but it still stung as I hadn’t realised my medicine had effected my birth control and he didn’t seem to blame the person who got me pregnant at all. I managed to get some distance because I shortly went back to uni and will be graduating at exactly 9 months in July with a 2:1. There was an optimistic vibe in uni and that’s where I started having scans and planning baby names etc with my housemates. In April I had a massive gender reveal party where people travelled all the way from uni and loads of my friends and family came, including my brother who had made it clear he wanted it to be a boy and wore blue. When it was revealed I was expecting a girl, he had a very OTT and dismayed reaction and was the only one to do so. At first I didn’t think much of it but I soon resented him for refusing to call the baby anything other than ‘it’ despite her now having a gender and a name. When we started buying stuff for the baby his behaviour grew worse. My auntie very generously bought a very nice and expensive pram which I’m so lucky to own. When my brother saw it he said I was spoilt and that he deserved something worth that much too. After seeing the nursery for the first time he pretended to punch the Moses basket which made my mum furious. When we came back with loads of stuff we had bought he waited until our mum had left the room and told me really insensitive things like he didn’t blame the father for walking out on me and that I should have an abortion because he wanted it which drove me to tears as I was now heavily pregnant and had never wanted an abortion. He would also say that I wouldn’t even look after the baby and my parents would. He told me I would have to start dating after giving birth for financial support. I have worked since I was 16 and worked for as long as I could in between uni while pregnant while he refuses to even apply for summer jobs so just find his views unbearable. When my parents went away he told me he would leave any girl he got pregnant because he wouldn’t want it but also wouldn’t be stupid enough to get into that situtation, in front of his girlfriend, and that it’s double standards that women get to choose whether to keep the baby or not. When he sees me getting upset he starts smirking and laughing - thought he won’t dare say this in front of other people showing him to be the bully he is. His sexist views disgust me and makes me worry for how he will treat my daughter. He said he’d make his girlfriend have an abortion which upset her greatly and in the end I had to leave the room. He has one more year left in uni so won’t be around the baby much but the thought of having to live with him with a baby makes me sick. We’ve never had the typical sibling, let alone twin, bond but now it feels like he’s bullying me because he’s jealous of the attention but there’s no way to talk him out of things. I don’t know why he has any reason to be jealous of me when he’s always been really academically gifted and got into all the top universities and won awards at schools etc, and has had a long term girlfriend. I’ve always had to work really hard and never done quite as well as him and an a survivor of abuse and have had a few failed relationships, including the one with the father who I don’t even mention. I just don’t know what to do and would at least like some way of coping because I know my mum would never make him leave. She hates the way he talks about the baby and me but it doesn’t stop him. I really just want to cut him from life at this point, the way he used to treat me when we were younger resulted in me having to go to a different school. He let his friends smash up my bedroom when I was out and doesn’t stop them walking into my room and invading my privacy - which led to them all being banned. My friends hate him and his friends which shows its not just a sibling rivalry. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself because I’m really excited about the baby and knew there would be discrimination, it’s just something in starting to get sick of and want to be as relaxed and as happy as I can be for the remainder of my pregnancy. Thank you.

OP posts:
Footle · 30/06/2019 12:20

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Footle · 30/06/2019 12:22

Sorry, I had skimmed over your last paragraph. He's clearly not well.

Apileofballyhoo · 30/06/2019 12:23

Wow. He sounds unhinged.

NorthEndGal · 30/06/2019 12:26

It does sound stressful, with a baby coming, it night be time to move out anfld get your own space, and create a home for you and your dd to be

coffeeaddiction · 30/06/2019 12:26

Wow he sounds like he has serious issues , am I right I'm saying you all
Live together ? If that's the case then I think you need to move out , I don't think it's acceptable to be living with your brother when he is acting like that .

iseveryusernametakenorwhat · 30/06/2019 12:27

I wouldn't want him around my baby op. I wouldn't trust him. He sounds unhinged. I would move out and go NC with him.

Ghostontoast · 30/06/2019 12:28

I would cut him out of your life but if that’s not possible certainly ensure that he is never left alone with your baby.

DisputedChair · 30/06/2019 12:31

Move out, get your own place, and do not have any further contact with him. Your current living situation means you don’t seem to have that capacity, so you need to change it.

sincethereis · 30/06/2019 12:31

I would suggest you go non-contact, he sounds like a dick head.

The fact that you didn’t know medication can affect contraception is quite sad tbh. Its quite a common lack of education.

Being a single mother will be very hard and you don’t need ur brother making it harder.

Good luck

Csleeptime · 30/06/2019 12:32

Sounds like a spoilt 21 year old with no life experience who has bad friends influencing him. What is his girlfriend like, can you talk to her privately? All you can really do is distance yourself and get a lock on your bedroom door so when you are out he doesn't go in! I assume there are no concerns for the baby, he wouldn't hurt her? Unfortunately you don't have many options, when he starts talking to you just walk away and stop resin dung, he clearly enjoys the reaction if upsetting you. Don't be left alone with him. That will help you a lot. Avoidance is key. Good luck x

Whisky2014 · 30/06/2019 12:36

I agree with pp's, you need to move out and cut him out. Block him on SM, block his phone number.

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/06/2019 12:39

Christ he sounds like an absolute dick, poor you OP.

Keep him far far away from your baby NEVER leave him alone with her, even to pee. Seriously he sounds terrifyingly unhinged.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 30/06/2019 12:40

So he is 21 and also living at home despite having graduated from a top university? Your poor mother.
Is your dad in the picture, what does he say?

eesjcs · 30/06/2019 12:40

Yes, exactly that! I know he would never hurt the baby and still have hope when she’s actually here he’ll mature and that he’s just all mouth and childish but it is getting harder to become civil. His girlfriend is starting to get upset when he talks about how he would treat the women he would get pregnant (so her) so I feel he might actually lose her. She lives alone so hopefully he will just go there if he can’t cope as he’s losing support from the family now and avoiding him seems to work, thank you x

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 30/06/2019 12:42

The thing is, you cannot dictate to your parents who they let live in their house. If you don’t want to live with him then the onus is on you to move out.

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/06/2019 12:43

@eesjcs you don’t know that at all. The way he is with you and his girlfriend shows he hates females. How is he with animals, how are animals with him? Genuinely I would never allow him to be alone with her. Plus if you breastfeed I bet he will make it as impossible as he can.

ohfourfoxache · 30/06/2019 12:43

What a cunt Shock

Tell your mum everything and explain that you have no option but to move out. Could your parents lend you some money to enable you to move out?

eesjcs · 30/06/2019 12:45

My dad is here but stays out of it all, it’s only really just coming to light now as it’s mainly done when we are alone but I’m not sure how he would react, he’s always had a ‘boys will be boys’ approach but he’s very protective over the baby already so hopefully wouldn’t tolerate it

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 30/06/2019 12:50

How have your parents not kicked him out? Are they afraid of him?

BobbleHat102 · 30/06/2019 12:51

That's appalling behaviour and nobody should be treated this way. You can't unfortunately stop him being an arse. It's a shame that your mum won't take a stronger line, but unfortunately that's her call.

Have you looked into "grey rock" as a coping strategy?

Good luck with your daughter, really hope everything goes well with the birth.

Drum2018 · 30/06/2019 12:51

I know he would never hurt the baby

You know nothing of the sort. I'm sure your didn't expect his absolutely insane reaction to your pregnancy nor did you expect his vile behaviour since. So I would not trust him to be anywhere near your baby when she arrives. You really need to focus on getting your own place and breaking all ties with him.

sprouts21 · 30/06/2019 12:51

You need to speak to your parents about this and let them know exactly what is going on. You then need to move out, you cannot have your baby around this man.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/06/2019 12:54

How do you know he won't hurt the baby? I think it highly likely that he will. At the very least he will emotionally abuse her. You need to move out I'm afraid. You can't possibly raise her in a house with a vile, aggressive bully of an overgrown teenager who hates her.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 30/06/2019 12:55

Sorry, I'm being thick here. You are graduating in July.
You and your brother are both 22 at the end of the year.
Why is he not still at college? Is he not due to graduate next month too?
What are his plans? What is he doing for a living - is he really moving back in and paying your parents rent?

Baggyvag101 · 30/06/2019 12:56

Im sorry op, but going by your post - punching the moses basket im not sure that he wouldn't hurt your baby. Thats a massive red flag for me on its own, never mind what else you've written about him.

That is not a normal reaction. He sounds abusive and i would be seriously concerned about you and absolutely would not be leaving him with the baby.

For your and your babys sake you need to move out and get your own space. Let your mum know why. She will still be there for you even if you have another postcode.

Your brother needs help but i suspect thats not likely to happen as he needs to be the one that recognises that there is a problem.

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