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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to cope with lack of sex : at breaking point

85 replies

howtokeepcalm · 27/06/2019 18:44

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

My DH has a low sex drive and I certainly don't! I sometimes wonder how long we would go without sex, if I didn't bring it up. I feel like I nag him a bit, and then we have sex just so he can tick off that job for another few weeks. Which makes me feel crap!

I am so fed up of living like this, and in all honesty it is making me really tearful. And angry.

In the past 20 weeks, we have had "sex" eight times, but he has only managed to be hard 5 of those times, and not for very long at all.

It's now 3 weeks since we were last intimate (he was soft so it didn't last long) and it's been 5 weeks since he managed to have penetrative sex with me.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind, frankly.

I am 49. He is 46.

I am REALLY trying not to bring this up again, and just see where my silence leads us. But it is hard, and I am finding myself withdrawing and being quite quiet around him. He knows why (we have been together long enough).

He is still affectionate, he kisses me before work and it is definitely a passionate kiss, but the fact it doesn't lead to anything doesn't faze him.

I am so sexually frustrated I could scream.

He has had everything checked, and all is normal.

Watching Love Island is not helping

Any tips on how to keep my powder dry? Or how to keep myself sane in the face of this? I want to try for once, not to raise the matter and just see what happens without me bringing this up. Then I might be better placed to decide of what the hell to do going forward.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 27/06/2019 18:47

Could he be experiencing ED and therefore be avoiding sex because he's embarrassed? Could you suggest he goes to the GP? You could make this less about sex and more about ruling other health causes of ED as it can be indicative of other conditions. Either that or maybe he's feeling the pressure of you wanting more than sex than him? Could you spend lots of non sexual time with him like a couples massage or trip to the cinema?

JustWhoIAm · 27/06/2019 18:48

Does he still masturbate?

(Its amazing how many men who have ED issues with their partners have no trouble wanking to porn.)

Scott72 · 27/06/2019 18:51

You don't need a consistent erection, or even an erection at all, to masturbate.

dragonway · 27/06/2019 18:52

I wish I knew the answer but I’m in the same boat here. Sex 6 times in the last few years. Once this year so far. Turning to food for comfort isn’t helping!

NameChangeNugget · 27/06/2019 18:54

I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you OP Sad I’d be going up the wall, if I’d only had it 8 times in a month, let alone 20 years and I’m a woman in my late 50’s.

This really is no way to live, you need to be direct with him as to how utterly miserable he’s making you and him taking no action or burying his head in the sand, is metaphorically sticking two fingers up at you and your relationship

NameChangeNugget · 27/06/2019 18:55

I meant weeks not years! Oops Biscuit

Littlehouse156 · 27/06/2019 19:42

I will bet if you say nothing then nothing will happen. He clearly doesn’t want it so would probably never have it again if you left it. Has he always been like this?

Fidgety31 · 27/06/2019 21:55

I am in the same position with my boyfriend. He had lost all sex drive and we only do oral.
I don’t know how long I can cope with this either.
I think it’s because he is getting old (52)

I have no advice I’m afraid but I understand how frustrating it is.

SenselessUbiquity · 27/06/2019 22:14

In my last LTR, we had children and I struggled to contemplate leaving because of this, but we had so little, such bad sex I couldn't cope with feeling like sex was even a possibility. It was just permanent frustration. so I withdrew. Gradually. No touching or kissing. We didn't share a bed. I was able to just go to bed and sleep. (he snored terribly too.) It probably contributed to the end of the relationship but perhaps more slowly than if my generalised rage had been enhanced by active sexual frustration.

This is not advice, as I can't say in good faith that it was a great solution, but just telling you how I used to cope.

Sorry that this is happening to so many people.

PaterPower · 27/06/2019 23:23

Do you do enough of the chores, OP? Do you make sure he has space away from the kids and enough “me” time? Do you organise date nights and take the pressure off from having full sex?

(Sorry - tongue in cheek, but felt this thread needed some of what always gets put into male OP posts)

SalomesDance · 27/06/2019 23:36

I'm in the opposite situation. I don't fancy my husband any more and he keeps pestering me for sex. Sometimes we do have sex and it's awful for me. I haven't gone off sex, just him. I still love him but he doesn't turn me on any more. I don't feel any desire for him.

Scott72 · 28/06/2019 05:00

Salomes, have you told him, with complete frank honesty, what you've just said? That you don't want sex with him at all, ever, and you don't enjoy it all when you do have it? You need to tell him if you haven't already.

Zoflorabore · 28/06/2019 05:12

Hi op, I'm in a similar boat but without the erection issues.
I'm 41 and he's 42 and we haven't had sex since around last September. It gets to a point where you feel so detached from them and are made to feel weird by wanting sex.

I don't know the answer but wanted to post to offer some solidarity. I know this is no way to live but am unsure what to do.

We have a child free weekend ahead ( first in over 10 years ) and he's making all of the right noises but we shall see....

I've asked him if he's asexual, gay, not interested etc and he always just has an excuse like the dc being in the house.

I hope you are ok, I know for me it has really knocked my self esteem.

triptrapdollydumpling · 28/06/2019 05:21

So many of us! 3rd January here. Isn’t it sad that the date is etched in my mind? I thought, this year it would be better. I was wrong.😢

Chista · 28/06/2019 05:31

OP have you tried to get some psychosexual couples counselling? It seems to be a 'thing' right now.

StreetwiseHercules · 28/06/2019 05:34

“You don't need a consistent erection, or even an erection at all, to masturbate.”

Eh?!?!?

user12678356 · 28/06/2019 05:42

Op. Can you not masturbate ?

Skittlesandbeer · 28/06/2019 05:44

Get on the phone. Set up a medical checkup for him (incl blood tests), then find a good therapist. Book several appointments ahead.

Tell him if he doesn’t participate enthusiastically in both, your next calls are to a divorce lawyer and booking a singles cruise holiday for yourself.

AgentJohnson · 28/06/2019 07:36

Essentially you not only want him to have move sex but to want to have more sex. He’s not broken, his sexual needs are just different to yours.

StreetwiseHercules · 28/06/2019 07:39

“Essentially you not only want him to have move sex but to want to have more sex. He’s not broken, his sexual needs are just different to yours.”

Speaking a man I would say he is. There would need to be a physical or mental heath issue for a situation such as this.

MemorialBeach · 28/06/2019 07:48

“You don't need a consistent erection, or even an erection at all, to masturbate.”

"Eh?!?!?"

The PP is correct, it's perfectly possible to masturbate without an erection, it's also possible for a man to receive oral sex and ejaculate and orgasm without an erection.

lasttimeround · 28/06/2019 07:48

My dh and I have turned this around. Since last autumn we schedule time for sex or intimacy. I told him very frankly that I couldn't cope being so sexually frustrated and I found it so sad that we simply lost that part of our relationship to the stresses of life. It was weird and felt odd for a bit but has really borne fruit. The more we do it the easier better and more natural it feels. The easier it is to talk about what worked and what didn't without being upset or annoyed it's been lovely. The most unexpected thing is somewhere along this journey my dh decided to stop masturbating. The result has been harder better erections and a properly horny man when we get round to our sex session. We are in our 40s. I think for men in middle age this makes a difference. Really surprising as you read everywhere the two dont conflict.

FuriousVexation · 28/06/2019 08:02

OP

How long have you been together? How long has sex been dwindling?
Do you have Dc together, if so how old?
You said he has been to the GP, did you attend the appointment with him or see any proof that "everything is okay"?
Does he have any other health issues such as diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnoea (often signalled by untreated loud snoring)?

PurpleWithRed · 28/06/2019 08:11

@lasttimeround how do you feel about 'scheduled sex'? the idea of putting sex in the diary makes me feel quite nauseous - it feels so calculated and unloving, I can't get my head round it. It also doesn't solve the problem for him that he wants me to want sex, he doesn't want me to have sex just to please him.

StreetwiseHercules · 28/06/2019 08:41

“The PP is correct, it's perfectly possible to masturbate without an erection, it's also possible for a man to receive oral sex and ejaculate and orgasm without an erection.”

What?!