How to cope with lack of sex : at breaking point

[howtokeepcalm]

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

My DH has a low sex drive and I certainly don't! I sometimes wonder how long we would go without sex, if I didn't bring it up. I feel like I nag him a bit, and then we have sex just so he can tick off that job for another few weeks. Which makes me feel crap!

I am so fed up of living like this, and in all honesty it is making me really tearful. And angry.

In the past 20 weeks, we have had "sex" eight times, but he has only managed to be hard 5 of those times, and not for very long at all.

It's now 3 weeks since we were last intimate (he was soft so it didn't last long) and it's been 5 weeks since he managed to have penetrative sex with me.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind, frankly.

I am 49. He is 46.

I am REALLY trying not to bring this up again, and just see where my silence leads us. But it is hard, and I am finding myself withdrawing and being quite quiet around him. He knows why (we have been together long enough).

He is still affectionate, he kisses me before work and it is definitely a passionate kiss, but the fact it doesn't lead to anything doesn't faze him.

I am so sexually frustrated I could scream.

He has had everything checked, and all is normal.

Watching Love Island is not helping

Any tips on how to keep my powder dry? Or how to keep myself sane in the face of this? I want to try for once, not to raise the matter and just see what happens without me bringing this up. Then I might be better placed to decide of what the hell to do going forward.

I think without something in the diary, life just gets in the way and you are constantly out of sync even when do have time alone together. It's not actual sex necessarily but no clothes, time, affection intimacy. It feels a bit like re-sensitisation therapy when relate make you give each other massages. It isnt the sexy stuff of early relationships when that's all what's on both your minds. But it does work as a way of co-ordinating your mental landscapes so you are both in a sex-friendly state of mind, at the same time, in the same place. It gets less weird and more sexy as you start to associate the time scheduled for sex with sexy things. It also takes the pressure off once you start having sex again regularly. I found when we weren't having any sex my mind thought about sex mainly in terms of the real highlight moments. Actual sex isnt like that. Then when you have sex it's a bit ok but not wow. And you think oh god we have crap sex, we have a problem. I find I need to have a fair quantity of sex before my body/mind gets really into it. Having sex at least weekly just made it more interactive relational and less worrying about will we/wont we/will it be good? Works for us.

God that's long...

Get his testosterone checked it decreases with age and lower levels cause ED.

Jeez, harsh replies here. Would we say this if it was a woman not putting out?

OP - you're having sex more than me. Not that it's a competion. I feel for you. But passionate kisses sounds promising. And if you're still into him then I reckon this can be worked through. But get to it before the rot(resentment) sets in as it has done with me.
I'm also in a limited sex situation. I really want sex and he says he does too yet doesn't instigate it. And I want to talk about sex - the emotions, trying new stuff, fantasies etc and he just won't. He says he's too uncomfortable to talk and he needs time. That was about 3 years ago. He also doesn't want anything vocal during sex which frustrates me. He just doesn't want to move forward so I'm stuck. With kids what are the choices? I love and like him but it doesn't seem sustainable?
Sadly, I'm now very attracted to other men.

Thanks everyone. I'll try to answer points raised.

He does have ED now and again. This improved when he knew there was Viagra in the drawer, but now he seems to be having problems again.

He does not masturbate to my knowledge : I don't think the desire is there, iyswim.

He has always had a low sex drive, although there have been 2 times in our relationship when he's been like a dog on heat....for maybe a month....fantastic, but then it just goes away.

He won't do oral on me. I do it on him, but e tends to stop me after a few mins.

Yes, of course I could masturbate, but it's not the same thing as being shagged by your man, is it????

We do have kids Mine from previous relationship), but they are adults, so that's not the issue.

I do all of the housework. I have much more free time, and I don't mind that. He has a stressful job, and I do not, however we earn about the same.

He has had bloods and testosterone done at the GP - all okay.

Been together 11 years.

I like the idea of scheduling sex. But I am loathe now to bring this up, after all of the rejection.

He says all the right things : he wants to sort it, he wants to feel sexy, he knows what this is doing to me, etc....so sit and wait and more weeks pass with zilch.

I have told him that my ideal would be sex 3 times a week, but that I could compromise for once a week....and we are not even managing that (5 times in 20 weeks).

I've been trying to say nothing, but this morning he knew something was up, and it all came out (I am terrible at keeping quiet). He said all the right things again, about how he knows he has to fix this. But I have heard it all before. And at the end of the day, I don't really want sex with someone because I am a problem they have to attend to : I want someone to want to shag me senseless!

Sorry to all others in the same boat. It really sucks.

"He does not masturbate to my knowledge : I don't think the desire is there, iyswim."
You'd probably be right, but even if he were I wouldn't take it personally. As I've said before, masturbation (yeah aided with porn it must be said) requires much less energy and drive than regular sex. And that's his problem, very low energy and drive for sex.

"I like the idea of scheduling sex. "
I don't see how this can work when the problem is a fundamental mismatch of libido.

"But I have heard it all before."
I don't think there is any fixing this. He's done all he reasonably can. He just has a very low libido, even for a man his age. That's not going to change.

I think you need to leave or take a younger lover. Its not a fulfilling relationship and there is nothing wrong with needing sex. Its already affecting your wellbeing

I have been in op’s position for almost thirty years (I’ve hopped over from Gransnet :)

I read with mounting dismay at the number of posts where women are sexually frustrated by the lack of sex, intimacy, and loving.

I understand entirely how you op feel believe me. When you say you might try and not initiate anything just to see what the reaction will be - let me tell you - it will be relief. He will think you have forgotten all about sex (phew) or have decided it is not important for you either - and breathe a big sigh of relief.

Your husband knows full well how this situation makes you feel - hence the pity fuck when he eventually has to perform to keep you quiet. Whenever I initiated sex (after 20 years of a sex life where I initiated it nine times out of ten) I felt like I was raping him - forcing him to have sex. My husband’s impotence was due to a medical condition but he made it very clear that sex was over for me too. I actually think he was glad and relieved to be “let off the hook”.

Lack of erection does not mean a lack of ability to provide a satisfying relationship. I must have the female form of premature ejaculation (!) so just a couple of minutes would have been enough - but I didn't ever get that.

I have been left feeling frustrated, sad, desperate with very little self esteem - so all of you in the early days of this please be warned.

I stayed with my husband because I loved him in a way. He was the father of my two daughters and without him I would have found it impossible financially. We have had a happy(ish) relationship - I won’t say “marriage” but I am still very sad and resentful at the complete lack of intimacy, kissing or even an arm around my shoulder when Inwas unwell, sad or worried.

Now my husband is very ill and disabled and I am his 24/7 carer. The horrible illness has brought many conflicting emotions. At times (increasingly at times I am ashamed and guilty to admit) I feel resentful towards him....... “he never cared about MY feelings ..why should I care about him now?”.......

A short time ago as he waited to go into theatre for major surgery he said “I love you”. As he was wheeled away I realised it was the first time he had told me that in twenty five years.

Please op realise your situation will most likely deteriorate further and think do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling unloved by a selfish husband.

8 times in 20 weeks? Count yourself lucky i have plenty of male friends get let than this in a year

And if they posted they would be told to do more washing up and stop being a sex pestas, their wives are exhausted!!!!

He doesnt owe you sex so leave or suck it up,

And as for the partner who doesn’t fancy their partner - he deserves so much better so you should leave too

Hmm. Whilst it would be nice to take a lover (!), I know that would be the end of the marriage, and I don't want that. I love him and this is the only problem we have, albeit it's a big one (excuse the pun!)

Zoflora I'm so sorry to hear your story, that is awful. You don't say how old you are, but maybe there could be another relationship for you later on? I completely understand why you wouldn't want to care for him now!

Otterhound Ah, just because there are men out there who get less sex than me, I should feel very lucky that I get ay sex at all?? OOOKAAAY. What a stupid thing to say. And as for the washing up comment, you obviously didn't read the post where I said that I do ALL of the household chores. Yes all. My DH goes to work and that is all he does. I also work, and I do everything at home everything But thanks for your words!

I'm also in the same situation. It's been years and years of frustration. After a long conversation he confessed that because of his health situation he believes that sex drains him of energy and would rather dtd less often. Never mind that he has ED and I felt like being coerced into dtd in the past when i didnt want to which meant doing things for him to get him hard etc. All I ever wanted was for him to take charge, but this hardly happened.

No advice but I really sympathise. I feel like he's asking me to compromise on my sexual needs for him. Which would be ok but he's made me feel bad about it. He's told me off for being too needy, made me feel guilty for taking care of myself, losing weight and dressing better (I have more time now the kids are slightly older). Plus I am so sexually frustrated.

And for those thinking that he must be stressed, yes I do all the housework, work and am a carer.

Ok.

A. He doesn’t fancy you
B. He has a very low sex drive

either way you stay or leave because nothing will change.

Sex can be a really complicated and person thing, which is made even harder because it's kinda embarassing to talk about.

In my last relationship (here we go) of 6 years the sex pretty much fell apart after 6 months. In that time (5.5 years) i can count how many times we had sex on one hand (yep, that's not a typo guys). There were soooo many problems, mostly i had ZERO sex drive but part of that was the fact that i was in quite a disfuctional and non-affectionate relationship so think i just shut down completely.I tried to talk to my partner about this and got the worst reaction possible which lead to our break up.

Anyway, my point is, sex is super complicated sometimes and i think you need to be in a relationship where you can talk talk talk talk about these issues and be super open.

I tell my partner everything now, like, how it takes me fucking ages to oragasm, how i rarely come, but that's fine and how sometimes it just hurts a lot. All these mad, superpersonal and emabarassing things need to be discussed openly so you can work on things gradually. I think, as a sociaety we do tend to botttle things up and more so for males (in my experience)

he does not owe you sex

I think you need to discuss an open relationship or end it....

Desire can't be manufactured nor can you persuade someone to feel it - Its either there or it isn't.....thats why the scraps you do get feel awful for you.

Bring up open marriage first and take it from there. Good luck

Sorry to hear about all of this.
I've been effectively celibate for what seems like a decade now. Wife tells me women don't want sex and she cannot be bothered with it.
Its transactional - if I want sex, I have to buy gifts, gifts I cannot afford as she's into designer stuff. So I go without and have done for years.
I know I could leave but haven't the guts at moment (I turned 50 yesterday so am not youngest).

I know it's not the be all and end all but to have it totally shut down really hurts at times.
Wife is 54 and always too busy she says) she's a Vicar).
Am not wanting to to hijack your thread but just sorry to hear your story. I've been brainwashed into thinking women don't want sex or simply use it to get handbags but reading this makes me think that's not true. Wife has really drummed into me that it is a transaction and without 'sparkly things' - her phrase - there is nothing doing.

he does not owe you sex Wow, do people in committed relationships really think like this? So you honestly think that if he never wants sex again, that he gets to decide that I am celibate for life also? WOW.

I did bring up the open relationship thing, but I don't want that (I said it to shock him) and he was not receptive either.

Floki your wife is talking utter shite. Of course women want sex. I want it so much, that I physically ache for it, and the lack of it is killing me. My ideal would be to have sex for a minimum of 3 times per week, I said I'd manage if it was once a week, but we have dwindled to once a month, if I am lucky.

Well, we had drinks last night, and a snog, and I stupidly asked him if we could have sex tomorrow (ie. today), to which he enthusiastically agreed. Let's see if he approaches me at any point today. I have a feeling he will "forget".

Floki reading that back, I sounded harsh, sorry. But your wife is treating you terribly and she's lying to you. She sounds asexual or something

You didn't sound harsh at all.
Am genuinely staggered that partners (men) can say no like you describe.
My wife used to intimate what, looking back, were probably pity fucks but not anymore.
She allowed a pity fuck whilst on holiday in September 2017 after she'd had a couple of glasses of wine but the shutters have been firmly down since. I just get shouted at if I raise the subject.
She says she's menopausal and may well be but she's been saying that for four years or so.
If I earned more and bought her stuff - hermes, chanel, dior-I've no doubt at all it would be on offer.
She's a Vicar. Make of that what you will - designer obsessed in conjunction with vicaring.

You're far better ''giving up'' and sleeping in separate rooms.

I was in a sexless relationship once in my 20s. 49 now so I know that if you're lying next to somebody you love, that is the worst possible place to be if he doesn't want to have sex.

I ONLY suggest that because you say you love him and don't want to end the marriage.

You'll drive yourself in to the ground begging for sex which is so humiliating.

greenlloon would you concur that 'if he doesn't owe you sex' then all of the other aspects of the relationship might as well sink as well. I feel if he doesn't want sex with me then he shouldn't expect me to be loving and caring towards him. There's too much resentment.

Short of being partners for the kids sick everything else is just a drag

"he does not owe you sex" Wow, do people in committed relationships really think like this?

That comment was exaggerating the advice often given to men who complain their wives don't want sex enough. But yes that would be the general advice given here. Fundamentally, a partner doesn't owe the other sex, even in marriage. But the other person has the right to walk away if they are not happy. In general, I think that advice is sound. You husband just has a much lower libido than yours. That's who he is. If he's unwilling or unable to change, and not willing to open the relationship, then you might have to consider leaving.

@floki, I 'went off' sex totally with a man in my 20s and looking back on it, it was because we made a charade of being equal but every decision was in the end his. I think it was my subconscious way of saving myself from a future with him, because on the face of it, he was such a forward thinking progressive man that I couldn't articulate (til it was over) that he didn't SEE me. NOt really. And for all his talk about equality, it was meant very generally and he didn't see ME as HIS equal. It took me ages to get that nuance though.
Luckily the no sex drove us apart.

I am in to philosophy and psychology, and I also admire some designer items such as handbags. I will never own an Hermes.

However, the whole process is an eye-opening master plan in marketing and brand exclusivity. So my advice is don't mock it.

It'd turn me off if a BF mocked wanting a nice handbag. While he drank expensive wine on a regular basis. Or drove an Audi 6 not a nissan micra.

My point is that (IMO) it is possible to be grounded, centred, content, living a simple life, being a caring person - but still be able to appreciate a materialistic item for its craftsmanship!!

It doesn't make you materialistic because you can see the value (or some of it, up to a point) in a very expensive item.

5k on a handbag when your kids are doing without something they need is stupid, but hermes handbags hold their worth (some) and appreciate rather than depreciate (like cars for example)

Which makes me wonder............. Is this her security? If she's a vicar she doesn't have a huge income I presume. It sounds like you thinks she's a hypocrite. I know that'd kill it for most people!

Do you think her love of designer items makes all of her spirituality a farce? Do you think it's impossible to be a caring person if your handbag is designer? I can see how that character assessment from you would be unattractive to her.

Nobody owes anyone sex, thats true, in the same way that noone owes anyone monogamy or their time or their help or their love.
Its just one of those things that in a relationship with each other, that you agree to try and meet each others needs. Not all of them, but sex is unlike most other needs in that youre not supposed to get it from someone else.
if your partner doesnt emotionally support you, we go to friends, or we go to a therapist etc. Noone says to them look, noone owes you a shoulder to cry on, noone owes you affection. If you go talking about your problems to anyone else, then thats it, its over, but youre not doing it with me either.

Noone owes anyone sex, but if your entire relationship is leaving you feeling constantly and consistently sexually neglected, then its perfectly OK to say that it isnt working.