How to cope with lack of sex : at breaking point

[howtokeepcalm]

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

My DH has a low sex drive and I certainly don't! I sometimes wonder how long we would go without sex, if I didn't bring it up. I feel like I nag him a bit, and then we have sex just so he can tick off that job for another few weeks. Which makes me feel crap!

I am so fed up of living like this, and in all honesty it is making me really tearful. And angry.

In the past 20 weeks, we have had "sex" eight times, but he has only managed to be hard 5 of those times, and not for very long at all.

It's now 3 weeks since we were last intimate (he was soft so it didn't last long) and it's been 5 weeks since he managed to have penetrative sex with me.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind, frankly.

I am 49. He is 46.

I am REALLY trying not to bring this up again, and just see where my silence leads us. But it is hard, and I am finding myself withdrawing and being quite quiet around him. He knows why (we have been together long enough).

He is still affectionate, he kisses me before work and it is definitely a passionate kiss, but the fact it doesn't lead to anything doesn't faze him.

I am so sexually frustrated I could scream.

He has had everything checked, and all is normal.

Watching Love Island is not helping

Any tips on how to keep my powder dry? Or how to keep myself sane in the face of this? I want to try for once, not to raise the matter and just see what happens without me bringing this up. Then I might be better placed to decide of what the hell to do going forward.

All,
I'm genuinely distressed at how many people are in sexless relationships. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.

@Floki - You need to get out of your relationship. She is holding all the cards, and is treating you no better than a slave. Don't stand for it any longer. Despite what you think of yourself (and I suspect its the relationship that makes you feel that way) there will be someone out there that fancies you.

For the rest of you, hugs and -There is no easy answer.

Counseling will only work if both parties want to change things.

An open marriage can work, but it's a tricky road to walk.

"Playing away" is an option, (trust me, there are lots of men out there who would be very happy to oblige! ask me how I know) but, if you are prepared to look at that, then I'd suggest separation & divorce might be a better way to go.

For me (and I know I'm dragging this up again from previous posts - sorry!), my XW's libido fell off a cliff due to menopause. If we had sex four or five times a year, I was extraordinarily lucky. I have a good sex drive. (I'm 59) I wanted sex 2 -3 times a week, so once every couple of months wasn't working.

We talked loads, tried couples counseling, and other things, but nothing worked. She just didn't want to have sex.

We discussed an open marriage (I couldn't "play away" I'm not that sort of guy), but it would have been all about me, really, so I didn't think that was sustainable, so in the end, it was separation & divorce.

Since then, I've re-discovered my sex life, although at 59 finding partners can be tricky..

We need to initiate ‘partnerswap’ on this site. Lots of women wanting sex but partners who don’t and the total reverse!!! I’m going to be honest and say I think a lot(not all by any means) of people ‘go off’ their partners (particularly women) in long marriages in a sexual/ romantic way — but they do still care about them and ideally still want the ‘relationship’ but more in a companions way . It’s not an easy thing to necessarily sort or talk about either because it’s usually a mental thing , people rightly get upset and defensive and it’s a very hard thing to say to someone you care about- ‘I simply don’t feel that way anymore about you’ - especially if they still feel that way about you. It’s all very well saying that if you care you would ‘go along with it’ — people aren’t daft- they can tell when you aren’t remotely into it. I think all of this really depends how much sex matters to you. Up to 40 I would have said to me it mattered- beyond that it mattered far less and beyond 50 I actively dislike it to the point where I feel my toes curl up — but that’s just me.

@AverageGuy. I totally understand— if my H said he had to leave due to lack of sex I would actually accept that and stay good friends and wish him well. With some people (mainly women) it simply becomes like asking you to eat meat multiple times a week and you are vegan. You just can’t mentally put yourselves through it. It isn’t right or wrong- it is sadly what it is and I accept for some people it’s as necessary to life as air or water.

@Crikeyalmighty - Completely tongue in cheek, but I did suggest some time ago that all of those suffering through a sexless relationship should book a hotel out for mutual support sessions, and to help each other out...

My ex was sex mad and badgered me about it almost everyday but could never get hard which pissed me off because I'm not keen on sex and he would hammer away trying to get it up for ever (sorry TMI)
Turns out he was hard wanking to porn every day and it had caused ED when he had normal sex.
Not my problem anymore we're divorced.
Does your partner do this?

With mine at least it’s medical induced , so I have my fantasy life, my hands and believe me I don’t go short. He’s just not bothered I stopped saying about it years ago.he’s gone all bi proud now with a hand tattoo , sigh let him get on with it. Pity we can’t get together for a coffee and just chat over it. Group hug everyone.

@howtokeepcalm

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

My DH has a low sex drive and I certainly don't! I sometimes wonder how long we would go without sex, if I didn't bring it up. I feel like I nag him a bit, and then we have sex just so he can tick off that job for another few weeks. Which makes me feel crap!

I am so fed up of living like this, and in all honesty it is making me really tearful. And angry.

In the past 20 weeks, we have had "sex" eight times, but he has only managed to be hard 5 of those times, and not for very long at all.

It's now 3 weeks since we were last intimate (he was soft so it didn't last long) and it's been 5 weeks since he managed to have penetrative sex with me.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind, frankly.

I am 49. He is 46.

I am REALLY trying not to bring this up again, and just see where my silence leads us. But it is hard, and I am finding myself withdrawing and being quite quiet around him. He knows why (we have been together long enough).

He is still affectionate, he kisses me before work and it is definitely a passionate kiss, but the fact it doesn't lead to anything doesn't faze him.

I am so sexually frustrated I could scream.

He has had everything checked, and all is normal.

Watching Love Island is not helping

Any tips on how to keep my powder dry? Or how to keep myself sane in the face of this? I want to try for once, not to raise the matter and just see what happens without me bringing this up. Then I might be better placed to decide of what the hell to do going forward.

It does not get better OP. I tried doing the 'let's leave it and see how long it lasts'...well it has now lasted 8 years and no sex at all. The more you leave it, the more it becomes 'normal'. Then the resentment starts and then the arguments, resentment for not having a second child...until you get to where I am: still together, same bed, friends thinking we are the perfect family, lying to friends about my sex life etc. I wished I had left 10 years ago when it was sex every few months! Now i feel I am too old to start again (44 yrs) and no body confidence (comfort eating and overweight) Please see someone OP and try and work things out.