How to cope with lack of sex : at breaking point

[howtokeepcalm]

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

My DH has a low sex drive and I certainly don't! I sometimes wonder how long we would go without sex, if I didn't bring it up. I feel like I nag him a bit, and then we have sex just so he can tick off that job for another few weeks. Which makes me feel crap!

I am so fed up of living like this, and in all honesty it is making me really tearful. And angry.

In the past 20 weeks, we have had "sex" eight times, but he has only managed to be hard 5 of those times, and not for very long at all.

It's now 3 weeks since we were last intimate (he was soft so it didn't last long) and it's been 5 weeks since he managed to have penetrative sex with me.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind, frankly.

I am 49. He is 46.

I am REALLY trying not to bring this up again, and just see where my silence leads us. But it is hard, and I am finding myself withdrawing and being quite quiet around him. He knows why (we have been together long enough).

He is still affectionate, he kisses me before work and it is definitely a passionate kiss, but the fact it doesn't lead to anything doesn't faze him.

I am so sexually frustrated I could scream.

He has had everything checked, and all is normal.

Watching Love Island is not helping

Any tips on how to keep my powder dry? Or how to keep myself sane in the face of this? I want to try for once, not to raise the matter and just see what happens without me bringing this up. Then I might be better placed to decide of what the hell to do going forward.

I don't mock her liking designer stuff. Feck knows she's got enough if it.

And I realise it keeps value.

The point I make is a transactional one : in order for her to allow sex, I'd have to buy such an item. That's how it works she says.

I do think there is some hypocrisy in terms of her role as Vicar and obsession with shopping

I struggle with celibacy all the time to be honest. I just feel as if I'm missing out on something.

Sex, she tells me, did its job on that we've 3 children (21,19 and 13). She could happily, she says, never have it again.
It became so infrequent that to be honest it probably was rubbish for her.
It's complex I know but we live as flatmates.

@floki, wow that is shocking that the sex is so overtly blatantly transactional.

I do I admit hold men in contempt if they confuse love with transaction, ie, men who import wives from third world countries and think that British women aren't feminine. You know the type.

I would see the transactional nature of sex incompatible with any type of spirituality.

I don't mean this as an attack far from it but if you choose to stay you are accepting it.

I wouldn't want to be in your situation @floki I'd feel like my wife was a prostitute if I had to shell out to get my hole with her.

Selling sex for handbags is prostitution. Doesn't seem to go hand in hand with being a Vicar and the morals required in such a role.

Would Floki's wife advocate that young girls in her church, sold sex for money/bags/clothes etc? If not, why not? What's the difference?

It always has been transactional. She tells me men want sex for sake of it. Women use sex to get what they want aka stuff.

She used to lead me on now and again by saying that once such and such were over, sex it would be. Such and such came and went and she then said there'd be no sex unless and until 'sparkly things' were given.

Sparkly things didn't arrive.

She says she has to he wooed. I get that but I'm sort of beyond that now.

That she enforced celibacy before marriage still gets me. Ffs that's when you could (should) be enjoying yourself.

I've probably a warped view now. Because I cannot effectively buy it from my wife, I don't get. It's something for others.

It's too much trouble at moment to up and go however daft that sounds.

She buys me, at times, stuff. It's nice but I'd much rather she just jumped me (sorry if that offends but can't think of better way) now and again.

And I've felt so guilty after a pity fuck. As if I've forced the scraps to be thrown.

My dp is sadly the same. He is a similar age to your partner and I'm in my late thirties so definitely don't feel like my sex life should be over yet!

He is quite open about his lack of desire. Says it has always been that way and it's just how he is. Some people just need or want less sex than others. I have learned to compromise...within reason. I still don't get it as much as I'd like but once a month is more than some people get and as our relationship is so good otherwise it's really not a deal breaker for me.

I do sympathise though. Are you able to talk openly about it? I find that communication can really help. That and a subscription to love honey 🙈

@floki, your wife is not the ambassador for women! If it's too much hassle to split up fair enough though. ADjustment is what's hard, even when you've chosen it yourself. But then it all settles down again and you're happier with the new situation that you brought about by means of your own self-efficacy.

So you could change your life and the ''price'' would only be that relatively short period of inconvenience and adjustment to the change. The ''hassle'' doesn't continue indefinitely.

12 years after leaving my abusive x I"m glad it was as bad as it was because like so many people on here, if it was just kind of averagely shit in a mundane bearable way, I'd still be there. But luckily it was so utterly intolerable I had to leave, and now, I'm glad of that.

I am getting near the point of separation with dh and not wanting to sleep with him much, and not wanting to muddy the waters by talking about shagging with other people yet, and felt the same level of insane frustration as you until a few weeks ago when I bought an Ann Summers Rabbit - and I know that this isn't what the thread is about but it saved my sanity - it has great physically and makes me feel more in control, as I am making decisions purely to do with emotions and the relationships and not getting drawn into sex with him out of desperation and then having to deal with feelings of desperation and crying and unhappiness to do with having sex with someone I really don't like any more. It is just an idea, as after a week or so of using it you may see the problem more objectively and it may help you to find a way through this with your dh.

Yes but @neutronstars, a rabbit is not a substitute for sex and intimacy.

I have a huge sex drive and feel incredibly frustrated due to lack of actual sex despite the multiple vibrators I own and use regularly.

Sexual rejection is soul destroying which no amount of wanking is going to make up for.

I thought with the worst of the frustration out of the way (in the short term) the OP might find it easier to work with her DH to find solutions.

Sexual rejection sounds very hard, I am sorry.

Entirely agree with that last comment. It's the intimacy and connection that you miss together with the massive feeling of rejection.

I've learnt to deal with it by turning off but the need is alwats there.

We can't talk about it as she's clear the door is effectively closed. I'm only (only) 50 and was deprived during my 30s and 40s with her. Feck knows what a sex life is!

Nobody should have to live like this

point being is he dosnt owe you sex but obviously hes not going to change and you wouldnt want to have sex with someone thats reluctant to do it. but you also dont owe him a relationship.
he does not owe you sex Wow, do people in committed relationships really think like this? So you honestly think that if he never wants sex again, that he gets to decide that I am celibate for life also? WOW. no you can split up get divorced

The point I make is a transactional one : in order for her to allow sex, I'd have to buy such an item. That's how it works she says.

That's one of the saddest things I've read on MN.

CandlesOnTheHearth
It is very sad I suppose but that's how it is for me. I'm well aware I could walk away but I've not got it in me.
I'm nothing to look at and probably have very little self esteem left now. So I do the best I can. I used to think, years back, that after a nice day out or the like, there'd be a chance she'd allow it. I used to have percentage chances in my head!
Now, I just know the chance is nil so once candy crush has been played and TV watched, she must turns over and says she's off to sleep.
Procreation not recreation is her view save she'd use sex to say thanks if I bought designer stuff costing thousands. Which I can't despite accepting it is nice stuff that holds value.
So it's Netflix for me and posting on here.

I hope others don't end up like me. I can't see his things will change unless I walk.

It’s funny because plenty of men have posted about the exact same scenario on here and the responses are completely different. The majority are hugely sympathetic to your plight whereas male posters get absolutely slaughtered. Their wives are usually probably hormonal, exhausted, the man needs to do more chores, do more things to make her feel sexy, help with the kids more etc. Your DH, on the other hand, is obviously a twat who doesn’t fancy you.

Sex drives differ person to person. If this had always been an issue, you chose to marry him. If it’s suddenly become an issue then you need to decide whether you value a sex life over your marriage really. I’d be assertive and have an extensive conversation with him about it. Basically say you’re going to leave if your sex life doesn’t pick up and mean it. That’s if, of course, you want sex more than you want your DH in your life.

Maybe he’s stressed/exhausted/going through a rough time like the endless women who refuse to have sex with their OH’s.

Similar ages to you, OP. It's been 6 years, 8 months here (not that I'm counting.)
Initially, it didn't concern me as I was suffering from chronic depression and the side effects of my medication made it feel like a catch 22.

It took me 4+ years to raise this with my consultant psychiatrist out of embarrassment. (I know, I’m a grown arsed woman) And you know what, she made me feel ashamed for asking. I just casually said, as an aside, that another of my side effects was low libido, it had been years and her response was, “well that’s the least of your worries, isn’t it?” I was well over 40 but sat squirming and red faced and wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Of course, being actively suicidal and everything else a major depressive illness incurs it would have been - and was - the least of my worries. But, I was steady on long term meds and plodding along at this point. It wasn’t a subject (still isn’t) at the forefront of my mind but every now and then, prompted by tv/film or books where they’re all permanently ‘at it’, I do consider if I’m normal.

My longterm companion (it’s incongruent to call him my boyfriend or lover after all) complicates matters. In the early days, my lack of intimacy affected the relationship. However, there’s been a complete reversal in the past 6 years (8 mths etc) his own physical and mental health has deteriatered. Furthermore, all of the historical child abuse cases coming out in the media has brought his own childhood reality, which he’d buried, back to him. He is suffering with PTSD and if I even lay a hand on his arm he flinches now. He makes me feel grubby if I mention anything sexual.

So, I’m in a situation where I’m in a long term relationship without any sort of intimacy. I’m coming back from this enforced libido prison and though not craving sex, I’d take a kiss and a cuddle, but it would make me feel like I’m fully coming back to life. Yet, I’ve got no chance. I’d rather have the non existent libido than exist in this limbo, to be honest.

I really wish sex wasn’t so dominant in tv/film and books/magazines because it makes me feel like a freak because it’s such an alien concept to me. I do think it’s so bloody over-rated in the media and ruins perfectly good storylines, they don’t leave anything to our imagination anymore. We have to endure full on sex scenes. I digress: that’s a whole separate thread, really, which deviates from the fact that I’m not getting any action and won’t be in the foreseeable!

Wow, do people in committed relationships really think like this? So you honestly think that if he never wants sex again, that he gets to decide that I am celibate for life also? WOW.

No. He gets to decide whether he ever wants sex again. You get to decide whether you can live with it. You don’t get to pressure him into sex or coerce him in any way.

We had six years of no sex whatsoever. My sex drive now comes and goes. It’s a hormone issue.

I can absolutely guarantee you that if he’s lost his libido, pressuring him even slightly is going to make things worse, and scheduling sex is the worst thing you could possibly do. When I had no libido the thought of sex literally terrified me. Knowing I had to have it at x time would mean we would now be divorced, no question.

He needs to make sure there’s no underlying cause for this that can be treated. I know mine is hormone related but I was never able to get doctors to take me seriously.

OP for you, this situation sucks.

My dh lost interest when I was in my early thirties. I had years of rejection, or worse: sex that started then went nowhere, and ended in me silently crying while he slept. I tried playing the waiting game, not initiating, until some weeks, months or years later I cracked and hated myself for caving and initiating again, only to have some hideous failure/rejection.

Some years we didn't even kiss, I think the longest gap was between 2-3 years (I stopped noticing the dates). I stayed because of the children, but we are finished now. I am mid forties and have huge resentment over the wasted years.

I understand "everything else is perfect" with your dh, but spare a thought for your self esteem. Mine is non-existant now, after years of feeling completely undesirable. And your physical health - years of comfort eating have taken their toll on mine (sugar really dulls libido). My chances of attracting someone new at this age and weight seem low. I wish I had just packed it in a decade earlier.

Eh, sorry for the pity party, I am actually quite an optimistic person! I just wanted you to be aware of how this can end up if allowed to drag on.

We dont have sex. It just went away when our daughter was born she is 6 in 6 weeks. I havent had a sex drive in my qhole life excwpt the first year week were togther He has lost interest in it i dont think he mastrubutes i do but i have alway prefered it to sex even in my 20s. I have a bit of a warped relationship with sex. I find it a disgusting thing to do. And although its not i find it really unnatural maybe he sees you as a house mate or a sister figure

Same things happend to me since last august we never had sex with my husband he got upset with me for nothing really thats why now he says he dosent hav feeling for me thats why we cant hav sex am 36 he is 39 four kids but sometimes i dont know what to do eather just waiting to see

That doesn't seem that low, it's a constant annoyance of lots of people our age.

To the posters who say there'd more sympathy for women than men. I don't think that's the case, unless it's post-partum, menopause or even abuse related. Any spouse not having sex for months and even years on end without communicating or addressing the situation is wrong. If both parties are happy with the situation then thats fine. If the partner with the higher libido has come to terms with the way things are because they view their marriage more important than a sex life then thats fine too.
However, IMO, the latter partner has a right to moan about it now and again and even have some resentment about it.

Any spouse not having sex for months and even years on end without communicating or addressing the situation is wrong.

That's spot on.

I can be criticised for not raising it but I'm not the one who's brought the shutters down. When I do raise it (rare) it results in being yelled at.

Apologies if that sounds like a pity party (God how I hate that phrase as its used against me) but I really resent that part of life being taken away from me.

I do raise an eyebrow when I read comments about not pulling weight in the house and making partner feel special. I'm poor in the special making dept but I do all cooking and ironing together with a fair amount of chores in addition to full time working.

Her transactional view has, I'm afraid, become so ingrained in me that I somehow think that per se gives me entitlement. I know that's not the case really.

Zofloraqueen27

This post has really made my week! The way it's written has almost made me feel like it could be 'me' writting this to myself in 15 years time. Thank you for been so honest and genuine. I can relate to all of this. The nagging used to get me to a point of angry, at times I felt like a car going in for a must needed service, but then after so long I am at the point of not crying about it anymore, or letting myself worth feel low. I can honestly say I have put one hundred and ten percent into my marriage but it always comes back to lack of intimecy. I couldn't even tell you the last time my husband told me I was beautiful, and I have never felt desired by him in many years. It is soul destroying. Like your husband, mine has a medical condition to, although I feel this was a great mask to cover over the fact he's simply not interested, that makes me resent him more! The honesty of your post made the hairs on my neck stand up because it's made me relise I need out! Before I begin to resent not only him, but myself for staying.