I’ve lost myself

[handakota]

We’ve been together for 2 years, living together for one. And I’m losing who I am. My partner is so angry with me 24/7, he shouts at me for absolutely no reason and calls me names, thick cunt, stupid slag, horrible cunt etc. He’s constantly threatening to break up with me and for some unknown reason I can’t lose him I’m fearful of abandonment.

We’re short of money at the moment and he doesn’t want a job, he threatens to do illegal things for money and me panicking about it I get loans out in which I’m in serious debt because of. His friends come before me, we don’t go anywhere, he’s never taken me out for anything to eat, but when it comes to his friends he’s happy to go everywhere, I’m not of any value to him - just here to cook and clean.
I’ve become so down and depressed, crying all the time and I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I don’t even know the point of my post, I don’t want to tell family or friends cos they will go mad at him and I can’t deal with the stress. I think I’m just venting.

He’s destroying you. Emotionally, financially, psychologically. You need to get out as soon as possible. Is there anywhere you can go, right now?

Please tell your family and friends and get out if this relationship asap!! You deserve so much better than this!! I'm sure other mumsnetters will give you lots of advice but please get in touch with woman's aid - they will help. Go to see your gp - tell him/her what's going on. You are worth much more than this .

I didn’t think women’s aid would help me because I’m not being psychically abused, I will have a look on their website

Thank you. I don’t feel worth anything tbh, nothing I do is right

You are being abused in many ways. Women's aid will help you. Please tell your family and friends what is going on - I'm sure they'd want to hep you get out of this horrible situation.

Thank you, I don’t like myself anymore. He’s called me fat, ugly and everything in arguments or when he’s drunk. I don’t even know how crap I’ll feel when it’s all over. I’ll have to convince myself I’m none of those things, whereas now I just feel like the most revolting useless woman on earth

He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse.

Read this: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Speak to them.

That’s eye opening. I’m very emotional tonight. Thank you for the links I really appreciate them.

Now is the time to be strong. Imagine if you were reading this post and it was your friend or even your daughter. How would you feel? Angry? I would. He doesn't love you I'm sorry. A man who talks to you like that is a scumbag who has no respect for you. Start respecting yourself and show yourself love. Break free and be happy.

Hi OP I feel for you and I’ve been there! This is 100% abuse and women’s aid will help you.

My ex was the same with the name calling and putting his friends first I felt completely ignored and unloved it’s so damaging. I am now free from him and healing myself emotionally. It takes strength to walk away for good but you need to please seek all the help you can from people around you or women’s aid.

Thank you everyone. You’re all kind. I don’t know if he loves me, he can be so nice and affectionate. Jekyll and Hyde

That's the nice-nasty cycle.

www.thehotline.org/2017/02/09/abusive-partner-good-behavior/

Im sorry but he doesnt love you if he treats you this way / being nice isnt real its to keep you on side. Please leave you so deserve better and tell yourself that! Why be miserable? Life is too short. Good luck

OP please just go....why on earth have you stayed, most would have left after the first name calling..

Stop engaging with him and plan to go and just do it.

I can’t lose him I’m fearful of abandonment.
Imagine how grim the rest of your life will be coping with this guy's moods and anger.
You can leave and find your confidence again. I hope you can tell someone and get some real life support and get rid of him.

Thank you everyone

@handakota I was in a similar relationship for 8 years...I like you didn't want to leave as part of the abuse that we as victims don't see is that they manipulate you in to believing you need them, that no one will have you and family will not believe you. I didn't tell people either and I so wish I did looking back, as I wasted my best years with him (15-23) things got so bad that he began doing it in public as he become so use to being so nasty to me, not working, drinking all time, putting me down...I kept telling him no more chances, yet kept giving them. The final straw was he threw a pint at me, glass and all for talking to a group of lads and girls one evening, and this was in front of everyone...I knew I had to leave.
I went to my mums and told them everything...yes they were mad, as any loving family would be, but they and my friends helped me get through some very dark days. He stalked me for weeks after, and only stopped after breaking in one night when I was home alone by climbing up the drain pipe into bathroom, as my friend called the police...he never thought I would (and I didn't) but she saw blood everywhere on my floor and told me enough was enough...thank god she did.

Get out now whilst you can...stay with family...you deserve so much more from life than to just be existing and being someone else's emotional punch bag...he doesn't love you and he never will...know your self worth...

I left behind everything in that house so I didn't have to go back...take what you can, and go back home lovely xx

@TheRedSquare you are so brave wow, thank you very much for your kind words. Much love

He’s always been nasty in public, shouting at me etc etc, I’ve walked through my city centre crying cos of him before. He’s said to me he feels like “smashing my head in” or he’s said that “im gonna make him cheat on me” before. I guess I need to keep telling myself he doesn’t love me and then I will have the inner strength to leave him :D

@Dragongirl10 I’ve stayed because my self esteem is crap, I don’t know how to leave because I (don’t know why!) love him. I feel like this is the only opportunity I’ll have to be with anyone cos of how he’s made me view myself

You sound like you've reached the end of it OP....Womens Aid will get you out. Are you getting loans in response to his threats to break the law? It sounds like coercive control.

Have you got kids?

@handakota it took me a very long time, too long, before I felt ready to leave..he chipped away at me for so long, that I felt I needed him. He become my whole life...he was very controlling, said mean things all the time, cheated on me once I know for sure, but most likely more, locked me out the house in the middle of the night after many drunk (him) bust ups, including with snow on the floor, swung a baseball bat at me for talking to a lad in our local as accused me of fancying him...the list is endless...it took me far too long to leave him and I wasted so much of my precious life on him...the best years you could say. When I did leave him I was going out four nights a week and getting wasted...he was obsessed with me when I left, as he never believed I would!!

Please find the courage to leave him. You will spend years with this man otherwise, and he will only become worse and crueler...speak to your mum, a friend or someone like women's aid...it takes a lot of courage to leave, but you will feel a weight lifted. I blocked him in everything, and I had to ignore him (lived in a village/same local pub)
I'm now married with a baby and my own home. My husband isn't perfect, but is not abusive at all...just a tad selfish at times, but I can take that 😊

GET OUT
honestly get out, cry your tears, go through the pain, because that takes a couple of months!! That's nothing compared to the years you will waste on this, I'll bet my life savings that you'll go through the shit & then he will cheat on you. These men that act like this are all the same. Get out of it.x

That’s the one thing I fully dont think he’ll do - cheat on me.

And no, thankfully no kids