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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve lost myself

76 replies

handakota · 26/06/2019 21:33

We’ve been together for 2 years, living together for one. And I’m losing who I am. My partner is so angry with me 24/7, he shouts at me for absolutely no reason and calls me names, thick cunt, stupid slag, horrible cunt etc. He’s constantly threatening to break up with me and for some unknown reason I can’t lose him I’m fearful of abandonment.

We’re short of money at the moment and he doesn’t want a job, he threatens to do illegal things for money and me panicking about it I get loans out in which I’m in serious debt because of. His friends come before me, we don’t go anywhere, he’s never taken me out for anything to eat, but when it comes to his friends he’s happy to go everywhere, I’m not of any value to him - just here to cook and clean.
I’ve become so down and depressed, crying all the time and I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I don’t even know the point of my post, I don’t want to tell family or friends cos they will go mad at him and I can’t deal with the stress. I think I’m just venting.

OP posts:
Original poster
handakota · 26/06/2019 23:33

He’s been absolutely vile tonight. Just shouting at me for everything, I’ve stayed in the bedroom, seems easier

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/06/2019 00:33

Only you can change this. I hope you realise this is fundamentally abusive and he will never change

Original poster
handakota · 27/06/2019 01:25

Yeah I know he won’t. He’s vile, he’s been screaming at me that I’m a fucking horrible cunt all night and I mess his head up, I don’t know what I’ve done though, can’t think of anything, but he’s been all happy happy with his mates.

I have to sit in the bedroom anyway when his people are over, it’ll be weird being single, and not confined to my room (lol)

OP posts:
Mummaofmytribe · 27/06/2019 01:40

Yell someone you trust right now. Tell them the honest truth and that you're scared and need help.
Then leave.
If you can, wait till he's out of the house then pack a bag )including all important paperwork) and leave.
You deserve so much better.
Good luck. You can do this.

Original poster
handakota · 27/06/2019 01:54

I’m gonna go back to my mums about 6am

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 27/06/2019 02:07

Yes,go to your Mums,get some peace and quiet,and clear your thoughts about all things. Everyone here says you don't need this man in your life. he sounds vile and horrible,and treats you like crap.

I hope that you can break free of this terrible situation, and then you can become the real you,and start to have a better and calmer life.

Notashandyta · 27/06/2019 02:15

Just wow. Never once commented on a thread like this but PLEASE LEAVE. And expect more next time. I'm sure pp's have given much more useful advice, just wanted to say GET OUT OF THERE

Original poster
handakota · 27/06/2019 03:16

Thank you all so so much for the advice, I stayed in my bedroom, he’s in bed next to me, can’t wait to go my mums

OP posts:
ZazieTheCat · 27/06/2019 03:34

You’ve totally made the right decision. You deserve much better.

wheresthehope · 27/06/2019 03:37

Please leave @handakota.
He will never change and it is not healthy for you to live like this.
I would tell you to leave right now but that might not be safe if he is there

cordeliavorkosigan · 27/06/2019 03:43

Good luck op, yes go to your mum. Find someone you can tell in real life. We’re always here, on these threads, and everyone will root for you. You ARE so totally worth more than this. And a life “alone” would also be so much better, and you would not be alone, you’ll have friends, family who love you, and one day a partner who deserves you.

Windmillwhirl · 27/06/2019 03:47

I don’t know what I’ve done though

You font have to have done anything. He's a bully and you are there for him to last out at.

He may promise to change, don't believe him.

Leave and focus on learning g to live yours so you never settle for this treatment again.

He's a vile pig. Tell your mother what he has been doing. You need support. Counselling would be good as you are likely to feel a lot of emotions. Go get your life back!!!!

dragonway · 27/06/2019 04:04

You can do this. You need to get out. Go to your mums, get safe. This isn’t a life. There’s a life out there for you

category12 · 27/06/2019 06:26

I hope you're on your way to your mum's.

Tell her how things have been so she understands you need encouragement to stay away, not "sort things out".

What you feel for him is traumatic bonding. And anyway, love isn't enough.

It doesn't matter if he loves you underneath it all, or if you love him - the relationship doesn't work, he treats you horribly, it is crushing you and tearing you down. Love doesn't change that, and it doesn't change him. Love doesn't transform, and it doesn't make being treated badly OK. If love makes us stay with someone who hurts us and harms us, it's become a twisted thing that needs excising.

And it's just an emotion, like any other - you get over it. And love and are loved again in the future.

CandlesOnTheHearth · 27/06/2019 07:09

I had to reply because I had similar. I stayed for 12 years and, I too, believed that, whatever else he did, he wouldn't cheat.

Eventually he did because he met someone he loved and, by all accounts (my children's), he is totally different with her to he was with me.

I also realised that 'not cheating', is a really low bar to set for myself! Of course, I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me. Why would I?! But then I asked myself why I was prepared to stay with someone who was angry with me all the time; who shouted and called me names; who made me feel useless and worthless every day?

Now, I'm single and so much happier for it. As are my children. The youngest doesn't really remember it but the eldest does and he has thanked me for ending it many times- even though life is harder now in many ways. We are happy. I am happy.

I had an abusive childhood and all of my relationships have been abusive/dysfunctional in some way because I don't spot the signs soon enough.

I didn't have support from my family - I was told I deserved it; that he was better than me and I was bringing him down and that he why he did it; that I was lucky he'd 'taken me on' in the first place and do you know what? It was still better to have ended it.

To quote Pooh Bear, "you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think".

You can do this Flowers

SummerCharl · 27/06/2019 07:24

Yes, please go to your mums. Thank God you don't have kids with him - imagine if he was doing this in front of children and you were tied to him. You've got a great opportunity to escape now - take it! Flowers

Dragongirl10 · 27/06/2019 07:38

Op l hope you are safely at your mums.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't like you, sad and harsh but true.

You don't need him, however fearful you feel it is just a feeling, eventually it will go and you will feel better, calmer and stop wanting him, then you will see just what a nasty little abusive excuse for a man he is.
You will get to the point where you wondered what you saw in him.All you have to do is to stay away long enough. Don't have any contact. If you feel like contacting him call a friend or do something nice.

It is fortunate you have no Dcs with him because you are free.

Free means free to never be spoken to like that ever again, free to be relaxed and smile and be happy, most of us have that every day and you will too. Everyone deserves to be free of abuse.

Ilovebanoffeepie · 27/06/2019 07:46

Please get out now! My EXH was exactly like this, we ended up having a baby (now 5) and now he’s constantly in and out of his life! As well as the mental impact he’s had on my life! There will be someone out there for you who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve!

MiraculousMarinette · 27/06/2019 07:50

Why are you scared of not being with him? Surely living alone in peace is 100% better than the shit he puts you through? Seriously, what's the downside of splitting up?

TheRedSquare · 27/06/2019 08:47

@handakota my ex cheated because we had yet another blazing row with him drunk...through his drink on the floor to scare me with the glass breaking everywhere. I was embarrassed, so went home...he didn't come home that night and I was told two weeks later that the girl in question was bragging about how she bedded him!! I stupidly forgave him as he denied it...
In the last year of our relationship I would pray he cheated, so at least I had a reason to leave him...sounds so stupid as I had hundreds of reasons to leave...but when you're in a toxic relationship, it all becomes 'normal' and you don't see what is in front of you!!
It was the wake up call he needed me leaving...he now has a proper job and has had for years, married, a doting father, doesn't drink or smoke anymore...his family say it was down to me leaving him and him realizing he lost me for good that made him sort his life out

Original poster
handakota · 27/06/2019 12:01

Hi everyone. Ended up leaving at around half 5 because he kept trying to cuddle me, and kept saying “I love you” and for the first time it was knocking me sick.

I went and sat in our 24hr McDonald’s from about half 6 and just had time to reflect (and a breakfast) my mum doesn’t know the extent of everything, I just told her I’m home and unhappy in my relationship, I will talk properly when she comes back from work. He’s messaged me a lot asking where I am, when am I coming home, and he’s saying he’s worried about me. I’ve took stuff with me so I think he knows I’m not coming back. Thanks for everyone’s advice and kind words x

OP posts:
ZazieTheCat · 27/06/2019 13:04

You’ve done so well. Hope you enjoyed your breakfast of freedom!

Seriously, you’ve done absolutely the right thing.

category12 · 27/06/2019 13:23

Don't let him persuade you to go back. Well done on leaving Flowers.

TheRedSquare · 27/06/2019 13:27

Well done @handakota leaving is the first not done...now you have to make sure you have self strength to not fall for the lies he will spin about being sorry, he will stop blah blah as they never, ever do...
It's up to you, but I personally would let him know you've left and have no intentions of returning..
Block his number and change yours when you can...you will build strength every day that you are away....I had a wobble after a week of leaving and so nearly went back...I met him, and he refused to leave the pub and called me a slag and a cunt...that was the wake up I needed...I blocked him, changed my phone number and ignored him at all costs.
It was hard, and will be for you, but that's only because it's habit...and we are creatures of habit. Be strong, and know you're worth!! Respect yourself in the way he never will...take a deep breath....you've got this!!
Xx

Original poster
handakota · 27/06/2019 13:29

I’m not going back, I’m off work this week and literally half a day chilling in my mums living room, with no one shouting at me, or swearing at me is just bliss. It’s relaxing. I don’t want to go back. What would be the point.

OP posts: