I’ve lost myself

[handakota]

We’ve been together for 2 years, living together for one. And I’m losing who I am. My partner is so angry with me 24/7, he shouts at me for absolutely no reason and calls me names, thick cunt, stupid slag, horrible cunt etc. He’s constantly threatening to break up with me and for some unknown reason I can’t lose him I’m fearful of abandonment.

We’re short of money at the moment and he doesn’t want a job, he threatens to do illegal things for money and me panicking about it I get loans out in which I’m in serious debt because of. His friends come before me, we don’t go anywhere, he’s never taken me out for anything to eat, but when it comes to his friends he’s happy to go everywhere, I’m not of any value to him - just here to cook and clean.
I’ve become so down and depressed, crying all the time and I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I don’t even know the point of my post, I don’t want to tell family or friends cos they will go mad at him and I can’t deal with the stress. I think I’m just venting.

@TheRedSquare why oh whyyyy do they always go for slag, I’ve said to him previously if he carries on calling it me I’ll start acting like one. It’s the most childish insult! I had “scruff” “thick twat” and “ugly cow” last night as well! They’re fucking idiots.

I’m so glad you’re out of there.
Please tell your mum about how you’ve been treated.
Keep strong and don’t let him persuade you to go back. He may cry and may tell you he’ll kill himself. He may try whatever means necessary.
Just know that he will never change no matter what he says.
Don’t go back and build the life you want.

@handakota I have no idea why they love to call us it...I was with him from 15 until 23 so was def not one...yet he had slept with loads of women and cheated with the village bike yet I was the slag 🤷🏻‍♀️ I put some weight on when unwell and had that in my face, tbh I can't remember half of it as learnt to block it out...I use to get emotional blackmail too 'I will kill myself if you leave (with sound of trains in background) my mum got through to me in the end and said if he did it wasn't my fault and couldn't spend my life like that...so glad you've been brave enough g over our whilst you can!!

Good for you. Now, don't let him entice you back, you'll probably get messages and calls "I promise I'll change" etc etc.

Life's too short to live with an obnoxious git like this. You deserve so much better. Dump him, and then one day you'll find you no longer miss him. Your partner should be the one who cherishes you, loves you, looks after you, cares for you (as you would do to them). Not someone who calls you horrible names, makes you sit in the bedroom when his mates are over - the controlling, bullying TWAT that he is. I'm so angry on your behalf!
Enjoy your time at your mum's, get your head straight - then enjoy a lovely life without Twatty McTwatface!

I don’t really care if he texts me threatening to kill himself, without being insensitive that isn’t my fault, he’s made me wish I was dead enough times. Well before I decided to leave, his mates were coming round to drink for one of their birthdays on the weekend, and I was told to “go out” cos it’s respectful. It’s my house too motherfuckerrr! I’m getting annoyed now, a lot at myself because I’ve put up with it.

Bless you OP.
I really hope you manage to stay away from this scumbag.
Please tell your mum everything if she is a sympathetic person.
Also make sure you still contact Womens Aid.
They run the Freedom Programme this will help you with all sorts of things.
Your self-esteem. Spotting red flags. Setting your own boundaries. Avoiding abusive nasty men in future.
You may also need some counselling and they can point in the right direction of specialists who can help you.

This guy had knocked you down so far you couldn't even see a way out.
Please also google co-dependency. You need to understand if you are co-dependent and try to address this as well.

If you feel strong enough I would suggest you block him on everything.
Phone, email, all social media.
That way you get some proper space away from him without him contaminating your headspace.
Also google 'Abuse Hoovering'.
He's lost his punch bag and he will do all he can to win you back.
He'll try the nice thing first.
Tell you how he will change (they can't change by the way, without years of help).
Then he will turn nasty.
Then he'll threaten all sorts of things.
Ignore it all.
It's the cycle and all abusers do it.

Well done on getting away.
That's a hard part but each day will throw you new challenges.
I would suggest visiting your GP.
You could suffer with depression or PTSD.
Don't underestimate what this despicable man has done to you.

Oh my god I read the first few of your posts and was so worried for you - now I'm thinking fuck what a kickass amazing woman!

The turnaround you've had is incredible PLEASE STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

You've done THE hardest bit by leaving. His behaviour would only have escalated - him saying he wants to hit you will inevitably lead to hitting you and so on and so on.

Please lean on your mum, your friends, everyone you trust in your life. You need to build up some of your own independent connections as soon as possible to help get you out of the trapped mindset he's got you in.

The thought of you being banished to a room to sit alone because he has friends over is heartbreaking.

Not sure if you have kids yet or not, but irregardless always remember that your relationship with a partner is your children's blueprint for what is normal and acceptable in a relationship.

Teach them that mutual respect, love and kindness is vital in a relationship.

Write down the things he has done to you / said to you so that if he gets in touch or is messing with your head post break up, you have it to hand. Do another list of the things you want for the future - relationship wise, career wise, family wise.

Any time you feel yourself being drawn back in, put your phone down and read both the lists. Three times. Remind yourself how disgustingly he treated you and that you don't want to go back. I found this really helpful in moments of weakness.

Sending you so much love and you are amazing to have bitten the bullet and gone for it - I'm so impressed.

Don't be angry at yourself, your behaviour and reactions sound entirely normal to me, it's his behaviour that's fucked up and your anger should be entirely directed at him. No one just knows how to deal with abuse, especially if it's never happened to you before but you've not only recognised it for what it is, you've got yourself out of there and that makes you a strong and remarkable woman

You don't sound remotely likely to go back but if you feel yourself wavering come back here and we'll talk you down! I hope you're realising now that you're far too good for the likes of him, enjoy the peace at your mums

Hi handakota,

We're really pleased you found the courage to post and are, as ever, grateful to our brilliantly kind and supportive users for offering you such great advice.

We're all wishing you the best and hoping life looks a lot more fun/peaceful/relaxing for you from now on!

I came back to see how you were op and Bravo you have left!

Well done, enjoy the feeling of not having to listen to him, be ready for the love bombing...but remember its not real and won't last....

Re read this thread to keep you strong,

I am so pleased to hear you left!

Hi all, went to get my stuff today and he asked when I’m home, told him I’m not and I’m completely finished, he asked why, so I explained to him all of the above and that he even lets one of his mates speak to me like absolute shit but has a go at me for reacting to him. So he apologised blah blah blah I will change, I said no it’s finished and we are done now, so he spat at me. There is absolutely no going back now

Urgh how vile.
Thank goodness you’re out. I’m sure your future is looking fab without him in it.

Please write every single thing you can remember down. So that you can read it back to yourself in moments of doubt.

I've just RTWT and I'm so glad you've dumped the bellend. Congratulations! You are starting a new chapter in your life, one in which you can find a kind, loving man who'll treat you properly.

Well done you absolute star

Damn I think I would've punched him in the face-you May want to report that to the police along with his verbal abuse just in case he goes even more psycho on you

I'm so glad you've left.

Thanks everyone. I feel good, off out tonight with my friends so excited x

So happy (and a bit envious!) to hear that OP, have a fabulous night

Very glad to hear your update. Have fun. Be yourself. Be free!