Unexpectedly pregnant and on/off boyfriend is not taking it well! HELP!

[LilySouthWest]

I just turned 40 and I have known my boyfriend (36) for over 2 years. We were long distance for a while so we broke up but still remained in contact. I moved for work last October which meant I would be 30 mins away so we started hanging out some more and eventually started dating earlier this year. Given my age I had some fertility investigations done earlier this year and the results were not great as they put me as conceiving naturally to be a challenge. I was thinking about potentially freezing some eggs in the summer to keep my options open. He was aware of this and not comfortable with it and even told me in March 2019 he didn't see a future with me. I pulled back so he kept chasing again and we got back on track. I wasn't tracking my days and I had come off the pill a long time ago but given what they told me I didn't think I needed to worry about contraception and he never brought it up as we hadn't actually been fully intimate yet.

In mid May we had a night away in a cute B&B and we had sex with no protection. This was after 1.5 years of no intercourse between us. It wasn't until a week later that I realised the day we had sex was my ovulation day. I waited for my period to come and it didn't. I am now 7 weeks 2d pregnant.

I couldn't tell him immediately as he was in the middle of writing a dissertation so once that was done and we were on holiday, I told him I was suspicious and that we should do a test.

At first he took it well but surprised and acted a bit distant the days after. He's been really up and down about it. It's making me feel like complete and utter crap. He also said he felt like I had hijacked him. I told him he doesn't need to be involved if he doesn't want to. He said that's not an option. I do feel really hurt by the reaction and some of the things he has said.

I could use some support and ideas as how anyone else in a similar situation has dealt with this?

I would invest in some relationship counselling to help you both explore your feelings around this. It might work out for you as a couple or it might not, but hopefully this will help you to have a positive relationship be it as partners or co-parents. Good luck!

I think he probably needs time to come to terms with it. He has indicated he didn't see the relationship as long term.... Did he think there was no chance of you conceiving?

You need to make decisions on the pregnancy based on what you want. It may be your last chance...

It's

@helpmum2003 It's funny as less than 2 months after he told me he didn't see a long term relationship he completely changed his tune and asked me to move in with him and eventually buy a house together. I am going to have this baby regardless as I truly believe it is a miracle in itself.

I'd plan on going this alone.
What do you have to lose? A relationship that wasn't a relationship.
I'd leave him alone to get his head around it. He'll contact you if he wants to be involved.

When you told him about freezing eggs, did you phrase it in a way that would make him sure you cannot conceive naturally? He won't be as clued up on this as a woman, or a man who has researched it, so if you've told him you cannot have kids then it's understandable that he didn't consider protection from pregnancy. Still bloody stupid, but understandable.
He told you this wasn't a long term thing for him... You stayed with him for God knows what reason... But he didn't plan on this bring forever. And he didn't seem excited about the idea of you freezing your eggs (and it's better if they've been fertilized so I guess you asked for his sperm?). For him, he didn't want kids with you and he didn't want long term with you and he thought you couldn't conceive children. So this is a massive shock and something he will need time to come to terms with. You have your own feelings and he is entitled to his own feelings; you can't demand he do and feel things in your timeframe. He has a right to process this his way.

He also said he felt like I had hijacked him.

Um, presumably he was fully aware (a) that he was having unprotected sex with you and (b) how babies are made? Unless the answer to either of those is "no", then I think he's on a bit of a non-starter trying to blame you for this!

@TheInvestigator he is a qualified doctor so he is fully clued up on these things. He's told me more than once that he didn't see a future but kept coming back and asked me to move in with him. I told him that any decision about egg freezing was my own decision as it would be paid for with my money. He understood that. I don't think he didn't want kids with me but he likes to plan things and be in control so whilst I am hurt by the reaction it is not a surprise. I didn't stay with him he was the one who kept wanting to see me and spend time with me.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross yes and a qualified doctor it's not like he doesn't know!

Did you hand him your medical notes? If you told him categorically that you cannot conceive, his being a doctor doesn't change that statement, and the lack of a condom, whilst really stupid, is more understandable than not using one with someone else. If you told him you just might have problems then he should have treated the encounter like every other sexual encounter.
On these threads, I usually say that a man needs to accept that every time he has sex, he may have a child. If he doesn't want a child then don't have sex. That's my normal opinion. But if a man has been told "I cannot have children" then I have a bit of sympathy for them.

You both should have used protection. You didn't, now you're pregnant. You want a child... He didn't and didn't plan for it so you can't expect his reaction to suit what you want. Let him process it. Leave him to it. Plan to do this alone just incase.

Withdraw from him. Get yourself sorted to do it alone. Get yourself counselling.

If he wants to be involved - you need to decide how much you want him involved with you. His child yes. But not necessarily with you. Hedberg got to grow up a bit as do you and figure out what you want. Sex once is 2 years is not a relationship.

I think you need to end the relationship. He is going to be making you feel crap and ruining what would otherwise be a really wonderful time for you. This relationship was never going to last for the rest of your lives, of it was it wouldn’t have been so on/off up to now.

He needs to grow up! Even

Well this won't be popular here but it sounds like you knew what you were doing and you have what you wanted.

Of course I'll be shot down here and he should have used a condom but I don't think its as innocent as you're making it out to be.

In all honesty, he sounds like a pain in the arse and I'm wondering why you're still seeing him. You say he kept coming back, but really you have to ask yourself, why that was acceptable to you? Why are you playing his game of push me pull you? Why are you so passive that if he wants you he can have you? The pregnancy is beside the point really. Do you really want a relationship where the guy is a total flake?

@TheInvestigator I didn't say I couldn't have children but yes he saw my test results. I plan to do it either way.

@Ilovemylabrador @category 12 it's quite a complicated history which I didn't fully disclose. We initially were together for 8 months long distance (3+hours) then broke up but kept in touch after some time apart. I was headhunted for a job which took me closer to him so during that whole time we were just friends but our relationship started again in April as he told me he wanted to pursue this with me and for us to move in together.

@Myheartbelongsto I think you have been quite mean and I only came here for advice and support. I wasn't ready to have a child either as I am in the best years of my career.

@happybunny007 Thanks for the support

*Well this won't be popular here but it sounds like you knew what you were doing and you have what you wanted.

Of course I'll be shot down here and he should have used a condom but I don't think its as innocent as you're making it out to be*

^ I agree with this. I don’t think your telling the complete truth.

Any women not using contraception and no condoms doesn’t wait a week to all of a sudden realise that she was ovulating on the day you had sex.

It all sounds planned.

You have also stated your not ready to have a baby but your 40 and have gone through fertility investigations even though your not looking to have a baby? You don’t have time on your side.

Who booked the weekend away? It was obviously going to result in sex, so it's to sort of thing you'd consider if you're method of contraception is to track your cycle... You would have checked before going away and been prepared. Unless it was planned.

@GreyCloud0 thank you for yet another unsupportive message and no advice.

I have told the truth as I don't see they need to lie given I am here to get help and advice.

It was not planned. I had made peace with not necessarily having children and once I got my finances in order I was going to see what my options were for me as I truly believe it was my decision alone.

@Myheartbelongsto I think you have been quite mean and I only came here for advice and support. I wasn't ready to have a child either as I am in the best years of my career.

So then you make a choice ...he told you he didn't see a future with you . You should have listened .

@TheInvestigator it was a last minute thing we decided together on. Given we hadn't had sex yet as only got back together it was not necessarily on the cards. We have shared a bed together before and not had sex. We don't live in the same place so we would hang out at the weekends and talk every day. I didn't check my cycle beforehand at all.

I wish everyone would stop accusing me of planning on getting pregnant when I did no such thing! I came for help and advice and all I got were catty messages

I agree with @GreyCloud0

You stopped using protecting when you found out getting pregnant would be "challenging", at 40 that is not a surprise and the doctor did not tell you were infertile.

It seems like you did not tell him you were not on the pill? However, he did not bother to ask or wear a condom either.

He is a dumbo and you wanted a baby. I feel sorry for neither of you. Also if he really is a doctor and professional, oh my...what an appalling way to behave.

If you weren't tracking your days then how did you know it was your ovulation day?

As I said, my usual response in these situations is that every time you have sex, a child is a possibility so if a man doesn't want to have a child with someone then he shouldn't have sex, and if they don't use a condom then they've brought it on themselves even more. But in this case, I'm not jumping to that response because it sounds like he thought children were not possible. He still should wrapped up though; that is on him and he shouldn't be complaining now. But he still needs time to process; all you've talked about is being hurt by his reaction. Well, sorry honey but he is allowed to have any reaction he needs to have. Plenty of women who get pregnant freak out, scream and cry... then they accept it and happily have the child. He is allowed that process too.

Also, if a bunch of people who usually side with the woman are saying that they can see why he would feel tricked, then surely you can understand why he might have suspected that too.

"Well this won't be popular here but it sounds like you knew what you were doing and you have what you wanted." Exactly what I'm thinking!

You've led him to believe conception was unlikely even very unlikely, did you actually tell him you weren't on any hormonal contraception?

Yes he bears some responsibility but quite honestly you're coming across as disingenuous and deceitful which isn't right or fair on him or the child.

You need to own that. You're not some naive kid who got caught out.

At this point you need to be completely honest with him if this relationship is to stand a chance of success, but if he's not interested or even put off that's his choice. He does of course still have moral and legal obligations towards the child which I'm sure you will organise but this is so messed up I don't think you can blame him for feeling deceived and confused.

Us calling you out on these actions isn't mean it's a wake up call.

You can't mess with people's lives like that and not expect a negative reaction at least initially.

He may come around but you need to be prepared for him not to and to not want to take an interest in/build a relationship with the child and to be understandably angry, hurt and confused.

An mner once said that on mn often we'll not tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear.

I believe the op. There is no reason that she would be bothered to lie to us. I also think we must take (most) posts at face value because we don't know the people concerned personally.

Lilysouthwest, first of all congratulations on your pregnancy. Whatever happens I've no doubt you will be delighted with your baby when she or he arrives.

You mentioned your career: you can go back to that, plenty of people do. I've known people who have had two lots of maternity leave. Do plan your child care in advance, an experienced nanny (who doesn't have to live in, needs to be flexible and a driver of own car), would be ideal but that depends on what you can afford. Just don't leave it to the last minute.

Even if your fella isn't a hands on dad, he should pay something towards his child's keep and that would make child care easier for you. Just don't leave it to the last minute.

Carry on being as independent as you can. I've no idea how your relationship will pan out but as long as the man treats you fairly, I think you will be fine. Who knows? When you are a 'yummy mummy', he may realise his future lies with you and the baby but you would be wise not to depend on that. Let him know you can manage and he won't feel pressurised - but he is a grown man! Might be different if he was 20 but he's old enough to be able to shoulder responsibilities.

All the very best.