Unexpectedly pregnant and on/off boyfriend is not taking it well! HELP!

[LilySouthWest]

I just turned 40 and I have known my boyfriend (36) for over 2 years. We were long distance for a while so we broke up but still remained in contact. I moved for work last October which meant I would be 30 mins away so we started hanging out some more and eventually started dating earlier this year. Given my age I had some fertility investigations done earlier this year and the results were not great as they put me as conceiving naturally to be a challenge. I was thinking about potentially freezing some eggs in the summer to keep my options open. He was aware of this and not comfortable with it and even told me in March 2019 he didn't see a future with me. I pulled back so he kept chasing again and we got back on track. I wasn't tracking my days and I had come off the pill a long time ago but given what they told me I didn't think I needed to worry about contraception and he never brought it up as we hadn't actually been fully intimate yet.

In mid May we had a night away in a cute B&B and we had sex with no protection. This was after 1.5 years of no intercourse between us. It wasn't until a week later that I realised the day we had sex was my ovulation day. I waited for my period to come and it didn't. I am now 7 weeks 2d pregnant.

I couldn't tell him immediately as he was in the middle of writing a dissertation so once that was done and we were on holiday, I told him I was suspicious and that we should do a test.

At first he took it well but surprised and acted a bit distant the days after. He's been really up and down about it. It's making me feel like complete and utter crap. He also said he felt like I had hijacked him. I told him he doesn't need to be involved if he doesn't want to. He said that's not an option. I do feel really hurt by the reaction and some of the things he has said.

I could use some support and ideas as how anyone else in a similar situation has dealt with this?

@TeaForTheWin sorry but I didn't know I was ovulating and my OP post was asking for advice on how to deal with him and not judging me about this situation which again I state I did not put myself here on purpose. People get drunk and have sex. It happens all the time the world over but when you don't think you can get pregnant you don't put contraception at the top of your concerns.

@TheRedBarrows Thank you!

Yes I do love him and I want it to work out with him. I think at the time I had told him about the egg freezing I think he wasn't sure about the future of our relationship. He wavers at first but always comes back as he realised he wants me in his life. He loves spending time with me.

I want the relationship and the baby but I think he needs time to catch up on his feelings.

@mummmy2017 thank you and I totally think you are right.

@LilySouthWest some nasty and unneeded comments. I'm glad you want the baby - that's a really positive start! I've nothing constructive to say really but wanted to add my voice in support.

He does not want you op, he has made that very clear.

You must have an idea about what you're going to do, how you're going to cope going it alone as you were already concerned about your fertility and were considering your options.

I wouldn't bother with the counselling, this relationship does not have legs and I'd say this man is gutted and kicking himself.

"I want the relationship and the baby but I think he needs time to catch up on his feelings"

I think you are right.

I hope this goes well for you, OP,

@Myheartbelongsto I am not sure how you have just inferred that from what I have said. For my birthday last week when we were in Switzerland he went out of his way to gift me a beautiful pair of earrings which he bought for me from the same place in London he bought my birthday gift 2 years ago. We live in the South West and he even called the jewellers to make the arrangements, wrapped them, gave them to me on the morning of my birthday in a beautifully wrapped box.

I am not sure you have read the post properly. Didn't you read the part where he asked me to move in with him and wanted us to buy a house together?

The question was not asking you whether he wanted me or not. I think your comments are quite mean and unnecessary.

I wish you a very good day though. Sending love and light to everyone who took the time to comment constructively or otherwise.

@TheRedBarrows Thank you so much x

@Ikabod Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.

I understand that he feels a bit tricked into it but he knew that you wanted a baby so he should have worn a condom.

He does sound a bit of a commitment phobe and all over the place so hopefully this baby will give him the push he needs (though asking to move in together does indicate that he was thinking along those lines).

I'd tell him that people with fertility issues try often for years and with medical intervention to have children so you truly didn't think that a one off unprotected sex would result in a pregnancy. Tell him however, that you couldn't be happier and that you would love to carry on in the relationship and bring the baby up together but understand if he doesn't.

You threw the dice and lost. Him being flakey is nothing new. He wasn’t hijacked, he was just as lazy and irresponsible as you were. This goes to show that even a medical degree doesn’t stop some men being lazy and being entitled about contraception.

It’s time to accept the realities of being associated with this man and start making better decisions.

Ah, another case of a man (this one a medical doctor l!) thinking us women have MAGICAL wombs that can trap and hijack! Yes, there's always a chance that unprotected sex can result in pregnancy but many many times it doesn't. Look at all the people struggling with infertility! If only wombs really were magic. And the OP had been told her chances of conceiving were low - she'd even considered freezing eggs. A fact this medical doctor was aware of. I have it when other women attack the OPs of these posts - not all women's bodies work the same way.

Op, you say you want the relationship and the baby. Focus on the baby for now and see how the rest of it plays out. Congratulations

@AgentJohnson I didn't throw the dice at all.

Again I asked for advice and support to deal with his reaction but you missed the mark like many others commenting here who prefer to tear others down rather than support.

You both threw the dice, it appears neither of you are taking responsibility for that behaviour. How to deal with his reaction? By accepting his flakey/ pull and push behaviour is part of who he is. Fine, when you’re messing around but less tolerable when a child is involved.

You can’t make him excited for a situation he isn’t excited about.

@AgentJohnson who are you to be judge, jury & executioner? Please refrain from such catty and sarcastic comments which are not helpful for someone who is currently pregnant and dealing with a lot of stress. He’s not perfect but show me a man who is. I didn’t say he wasn’t excited or wanting to be supportive. He’s processing which he is entitled to.

All I asked for was advice on how best to communicate with him but you don’t seem to have got the point of the post. Please read the question before answering with your judgements. I would never do that to another human being as it’s just unnecessary

OP - don’t take the snarky comments too personal. It’s easy to judge strangers on the internet.

Take it day by day. It’s a miracle you got pregnant, so I hope it all goes well. It is still at a very early stage. So - fingers crossed.

I’d also not worry about him at this point. He needs to make up his mind by himself. One way or another he’ll be in the baby’s life. You can’t really influence how it will turn out. Just wait and see.

Don't worry about the mean comments.

Just give him some space and let him come to you to talk when he is ready. Congrats!

Some unnecessary dickheads here. She’s asking for advice not your opinions on her hypothetical motives. Anyway if she’s talking about freezing her eggs that surely means she has viable eggs and therefore there is a possibility.

Anyway I would say just stand firm that his involvement is up to him and you are going ahead. I’ve been in a similar situation and I think it would have been easier if I’d known what I wanted to do, which you seem to. Anyway what people kept telling me is men warm to the idea later, at the scans or when it’s kicking or something. But you just have to have a plan in place that doesn’t rely on him. He sounds like he may or may not come through in the end.

There's a reason fertility clinics generally tell couples not to even bother coming in with fertility issues until they've had unprotected sex for a year or two. Some people whose lab or scan results look borderline or subfertile, people any doctor would think would likely need help conceiving, catch in the first few months.

Lab results that tell you that you might need help conceiving and it might not go well naturally are not saying "you're absolutely infertile and unprotected sex carries no risk."

I think you kind of wanted a baby and made this happen, and your boyfriend who did not want this to be a longterm thing and does not want babies with you should have had alarm bells ringing before he went in without a condom. He should have been more responsible, but it's not surprising he feels tricked and betrayed if you represented the likelihood of conception as "miraculous."

@WombOfOnesOwn whilst you might be experienced in these things, I am not. Here you go yet again with the presumptions but no actual advice. The more responses I get here like this with the judging and telling me I tricked someone when I didn’t definitely makes me think whether I should be bother using this forum at all. I thought it was for people to give other people advice and support and not make snap judgments about someone you don’t know. I’ll think twice about asking for advice again. Thank you for all your heartfelt support. Bless you

The more responses I get here like this with the judging and telling me I tricked someone when I didn’t definitely makes me think whether I should be bother using this forum at all.

No point acting like a child either, you have done wrong and everyone can see it and everyone in real life will see it too.

The drive for a baby can be almost irresistibly strong, especially in the wake of something like finding out you may not have much time left in which to conceive. The defensive reaction isn't necessary.

I'm a feminist and believe your boyfriend's chance to really object to the idea of conception was before he had intercourse without a condom. But the fact that it's understandable for you to want pregnancy, and that you should have every right to keep this baby and receive financial support from the father, doesn't negate the fact that the other genetic contributor to this pregnancy wasn't ready for this.

Let me ask you something: who scheduled the one night in May in a B&B that happened to be your ovulation day after 1.5 years of no intercourse? I don't know many men who are big B&B reservers, myself.

@Scorpiovenus such an apt username as you spout so much poison. I don’t have to continue to defend myself to you or anyone else.

There’s a saying: “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”

It’s clear you can’t read as you haven’t actually answered the question or provide any useful insight but thank you nonetheless. It’s truly valuable

You can’t force him to be a Father I’m afraid. He will legally have to pay maintenance but that is all he has to do, he doesn’t have to be a part of your child’s life whatsoever. Proceed as a single Mother because that is the most likely outcome. He told you he didn’t see a future with you, you should have listened.