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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unexpectedly pregnant and on/off boyfriend is not taking it well! HELP!

84 replies

LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 12:29

I just turned 40 and I have known my boyfriend (36) for over 2 years. We were long distance for a while so we broke up but still remained in contact. I moved for work last October which meant I would be 30 mins away so we started hanging out some more and eventually started dating earlier this year. Given my age I had some fertility investigations done earlier this year and the results were not great as they put me as conceiving naturally to be a challenge. I was thinking about potentially freezing some eggs in the summer to keep my options open. He was aware of this and not comfortable with it and even told me in March 2019 he didn't see a future with me. I pulled back so he kept chasing again and we got back on track. I wasn't tracking my days and I had come off the pill a long time ago but given what they told me I didn't think I needed to worry about contraception and he never brought it up as we hadn't actually been fully intimate yet.

In mid May we had a night away in a cute B&B and we had sex with no protection. This was after 1.5 years of no intercourse between us. It wasn't until a week later that I realised the day we had sex was my ovulation day. I waited for my period to come and it didn't. I am now 7 weeks 2d pregnant.

I couldn't tell him immediately as he was in the middle of writing a dissertation so once that was done and we were on holiday, I told him I was suspicious and that we should do a test.

At first he took it well but surprised and acted a bit distant the days after. He's been really up and down about it. It's making me feel like complete and utter crap. He also said he felt like I had hijacked him. I told him he doesn't need to be involved if he doesn't want to. He said that's not an option. I do feel really hurt by the reaction and some of the things he has said.

I could use some support and ideas as how anyone else in a similar situation has dealt with this?

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 26/06/2019 15:05

LilySouthWest I think some of these posts have been quite unfair to you TBH. This chap is a doctor?!! who presumably appears not to realise that not wearing a condom could even lead to a pregnancy . Really!who knew! .As far as "hijacking " him ,Im quite sure he didnt need much encouragement to DTD in a cosy country hotel!.He appears to not want to commit to you, yet asks you to live with him?.I think he is playing games here .Either he wants to be with you or he doesnt .Maybe hes in a bit of denial over his feelings for you?.Either way he will have to get used to it !.If you want to keep your baby then you may have to realise that you may become a Single Parent !

IncognitaIgnorama · 26/06/2019 15:10

Honestly, OP, sack him off (he's told you more than once he doesn't see a future with you, ffs-for future reference, this is something that you should only ever let someone say to you once...) and prepare to go it alone, if you want to keep the pregnancy. Flowers

Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 15:45

@squee123 thank you as that sounds like good advice! I really appreciate you taking the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 15:48

@Bluerussian thank you for taking the time to reply to me and for offering me some constructive feedback and advice. It is really appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 15:49

@IncognitaIgnorama yes but since asked me to move in and does see a future with me. I am completely fine at going it alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 15:51

@dottiedodah thank you for replying and not jumping to conclusions...Everyone who knows me and him agrees that he is in denial and is a bit of a commitment phobe. I am happy to go it alone and all I was really looking for is anyone with a similar situation and how they dealt with their partner's feelings in coming to terms with an unplanned pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 15:55

@TheStuffedPenguin he said that once then asked me to move in with him about 3 weeks ago and that he wanted to us live there and work towards buying a bigger house together.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 16:03

@ukgift2016 I stopped taking the pill about 2 years ago for other medical reasons which he was fully aware of.

I have no problem in owning up that we are both to blame as we should have discussed contraception prior to having sex.

However that was not the reason for this post and it seems like many people who took the time to write completely missed the point of me asking for advice. I don't need tearing down when I am pregnant for the first time in my life by accident and I am in a difficult situation. I just wanted to know how best I should deal with him for anyone who has been in a similar situation.

OP posts:
crazyhead · 26/06/2019 16:05

If you and this man had access to the same information (the test results, the fact you weren‘t on the pill) the idea of trickery people mention no sense. You both just find yourself in a tough situation now - you not wanting to lose what might be your last chance at having a kid, but regretting the circs, him dealing with a pregnancy he hadn‘t bargained for. But as a woman it is your body and your choice in the end.

Would he be up for a few sessions of shared counselling though? Whether you are together or apart I do think it would help to get as much mutual compassion and understanding between you before the baby is born. It could be a safe space for you both to articulate your feelings

Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 16:08

@OneForTheRoadThen I had previously been tracking earlier this year because I had a test to my ovaries because I had an ovarian cyst discovered in January this year and it had to be done on a certain day of my cycle. After the test I didn't need to as I had decided I was putting the whole thing on hold for now to figure out how I was going to deal with the cost of egg freezing.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 16:12

@TheInvestigator I honestly was just looking for advice on how to deal with his reaction and the conversations around it. We don't live in the same place and have just got back off a week's holiday together so my thoughts are just to let him be and if he comes back around then great but be prepared to go it alone if not.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 16:14

@crazyhead yes I think the suggestion of counselling is a really good one and I think he might be willing to do this. I have started looking locally for someone who might be able to help out. Thank you for taking the time to respond with a good suggestion!

OP posts:
Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 16:18

@Graphista

You've led him to believe conception was unlikely even very unlikely, did you actually tell him you weren't on any hormonal contraception?

No I didn't he knew I wasn't on any hormonal contraception.

Yes he bears some responsibility but quite honestly you're coming across as disingenuous and deceitful which isn't right or fair on him or the child.

You need to own that. You're not some naive kid who got caught out.

I have no issue owning it but I am neither deceitful or naive.

Us calling you out on these actions isn't mean it's a wake up call.

You can't mess with people's lives like that and not expect a negative reaction at least initially.

I didn't intentionally mess with anyone's life. I also have to deal with the consequences.

An mner once said that on mn often we'll not tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear.

I actually ask for advice on how to deal with him and his reaction rather than the barrage of accusatory replies I have received. I thought this was a safe space where you can get support and not a place for people to tear each other down. That's not helpful to anyone.

OP posts:
weleasewoderick22 · 26/06/2019 16:21

Gawd, all those nasty responses!

You'll be fine Lily, I'm sure you're in shock a bit, but it isn't an absolute catastrophe. The same thing happened to be at 42 when I thought I was well into the menopause and I've now got a gorgeous 12 year old who've I've brought up alone.

Maybe you've been a bit naive, and maybe he's a commitment phobe, but I'm sure it'll all turn out ok.

Good luck Thanks

weleasewoderick22 · 26/06/2019 16:23

Sorry, that sounded a bit patronising!

Thing is, you can't make him do anything. All you can do is look after yourself and the baby. If he steps up, fine. If he doesn't you'll still have the baby you didn't think you'd have.

Original poster
LilySouthWest · 26/06/2019 16:26

@weleasewoderick22 Thank you for your responses. I'm glad to know I am not alone!

OP posts:
weleasewoderick22 · 26/06/2019 16:33

You're welcome, you don't deserve the bashing you've got on here.

Do you have support, family friends etc? I already had grown up dc's who, once they got over the shock, were amazingly supportive. My ds's father is crap and has not really had much input ( he's abusive too) so the dc's ( and a grandson now) have our own family. It works for us and it will for you too.

dottiedodah · 26/06/2019 16:38

Hi LilySouthWest,He may just need time to come round to the idea,and it seems that he may want some involvement with the baby when the times comes round.As you say you would be happy to go it alone if not .I havent been in your position ,but I have friends who have, and they have managed well as Im sure you will too .Good Luck for your future ,and above all enjoy your babe!xx

MikeUniformMike · 26/06/2019 17:32

Forget the relationship. Have the baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2019 19:06

What sort of advice are you after OP?

He’s not happy. Several people have explained his possible feelings. You can’t talk him into having a baby he doesn’t want and didn’t think was likely to happen given what you say you told him about your fertility.

If you want to be pregnant and have a baby you need to plan to do it alone. Try counselling if he’s up for it but it doesn’t sound like you had much of a relationship to build on.

Rosemary46 · 26/06/2019 19:13

He’s a 36 year old doctor who has sex for the first time with a woman he’s on an on off relationship with. This takes place when they go away for the weekend to a B&B. He decides not to wear a condom and is surprised that she is pregnant.

I’m struggling to see how he’s NOT 50% responsible for this baby.

TheRedBarrows · 26/06/2019 20:00

Congratulations OP!

Do you love him / want to be with him?

Looking at this from his POV, he indicated disquiet over the egg freezing idea: was that because he didn’t want kids , or because he thought you were so keen on kids that you were preparing to go ahead in a future without him?

Now, he can see that this baby is so important to you (of course!), that you will go ahead and have told him he need not be involved.

So he knows full well, or it looks to him, that a relationship with him is less important to you than being s mother.

He might be feeling a bit discarded?

TheRedBarrows · 26/06/2019 20:03

P.S which is not to say he isn’t 50% responsible.

And he appears to be saying that not being involved is not an option.

Taking responsibility yes, but that doesn’t mean he is overjoyed at being a father / being a separated father / feeling that the OP sees him as expendable etc.

mummmy2017 · 26/06/2019 20:09

Congratulations on your baby...
Your going to be a mummy..
I think your DP is not be who only valves someone he has to chase....So let him chase ...

TeaForTheWin · 26/06/2019 20:10

has unprotected sex and is 'unexpectedly' pregnant xD I don't get it like how can any woman just have sex with someone and not be thinking about that! I mean talk about fancy free haha. I sort of envy ya. Apart from the baby part xD

If you want it then hey, have at it! Lifes short! But 'miracle' reaaaaaaly? LOL. I mean not really. You were ovulating, had sex and then got preggers...wow, who knew that could happen.

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