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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Post affair help and advice please

86 replies

TheyCalledherPatience · 25/06/2019 13:19

I am looking for some experiences if possible. I am 6 months post discovery of my husband's affair (with added time before where I had suspicions). We have two young children, they were very young when he did this and it lasted around 7/8 months.
I am giving my marriage some time to see if we can work through this. I know that is not for everyone but for myself I feel I need to try. My husband is saying and doing all the right things and I am as confident as I can be that he hasn't seen her since the affair ended.
I have no idea if we can make this work and realise it may not. However I am hoping to hear from people who have moved past an affair to get some idea of whether it is ever possible. I am going round in circles in my head about what to do for the best and what I want and I can't find the answer.
I do believe that I could manage on my own, I am able to end this if I need to and I understand that staying for the children is not best for the children in the long run. But I do want my marriage saved if I possibly can because I feel like our family life is so much better together.
Any personal experiences would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:

thepinkp · 25/06/2019 13:26

I'm a year and a half on from finding out and I so wanted things to work themselves out. Sadly the fire inside me has long gone and I feel nothing for my husband anymore. I'm stuck, financially and children emotionally.. if I could turn back the clock to when I first discovered all his lies I'd walk away and never look back. It never goes away, and sadly the man I married is gone. When someone hurts you like that it's hard to ever forgive and you most definitely don't forget. I wish you all the very best I really do but if thou have doubts and can got it alone run for the hills.

Original poster

TheyCalledherPatience · 25/06/2019 13:36

Thanks and I'm sorry you're in that situation. Obviously not what I want to hear but I do know I need to hear the reality of this from all perspectives to help me work out what to do.

OP posts:

Sunshineandflipflops · 25/06/2019 13:42

Similar to the above poster unfortunately.
My ex husband had a ONS with an 'old friend' when I was heavily pregnant with our second child, I found out and didn't feel I could leave (and loved him too much) so we 'moved on' and had another 10 mostly happy years together but really I never completely moved on and I don't think I ever felt the same way towards him or our marriage from that day. The man I thought I had married and chosen to be the father of my children wasn't really the man I thought he was. He went on to have a full blown affair 10 years later and at that point I walked away and never looked back.

It's been hard...really hard but not as hard as living in constant fear of if it will happen again and eroding my self esteem and self worth as a result.

He is still with the OW and 18 months later I don't envy her. I know exactly what she has but my world is still evolving and is looking bright, with or without a man.

thedevil09 · 25/06/2019 14:02

Hi I'm 12 months on now from finding out my partner had a 11 month affair . We have 2 children together . I found out about the affair as we split up for 2 weeks and he admitted it to me. I was distraught how could he do this how did I not know this was going on behind my back. All the things that go threw your head he begged me to take him back I eventually did i dont know how. But the strangest thing is now we get on better than we have done for a very very long time dont get me wrong I will never trust him again I come on here also for help as when I have a drink the anger inside me is something else it all comes back will this ever get any easier x

Original poster

TheyCalledherPatience · 25/06/2019 19:04

Maybe being too hopeful for stories of positive outcomes. Thanks and sorry others are in a similar position x

OP posts:

SMellisa · 25/06/2019 19:44

He is with you. If he wanted to be with OW he would be. He comes home to you. I believe things are 'meant to happen for a reason' this could make you stronger than ever. I know it doesn't seem like it but the fact he has been great with you since shows he wants to work with you on it.

SMellisa · 25/06/2019 19:49

Also, he could have left you and been with OW. Would that make you feel worse? You have to do what's right for you not anyone else. Yes opinions help but only you know how you feel.

SMellisa · 25/06/2019 19:50

Was it an emotional affair or physical? What makes it worse for you?

BumWad · 25/06/2019 19:53

Sadly marking place

Original poster

TheyCalledherPatience · 25/06/2019 19:59

Ah but I don't know how I feel. Genuinely, I seem to have had a feelings bypass. I have absolutely no idea what's right for me right now.
Physical. Maybe emotional as well? I don't know. I know he doesn't want to be with her and I know/believe he wants this to work. He ended it but she came round and told me.
Would I feel worse if he'd left? Yes, I'm sure I would but I wonder if I'd then have something to build on and recover from rather than being left with this choice to make and feeling, well, not much at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheyCalledherPatience · 25/06/2019 20:01

Sorry you're having to place mark. It amazes me how many people have been or are in this situation.

OP posts:

Moominfan · 25/06/2019 20:04

Could be with ow...not really a good thing though is it to have ow in the first place. He's had his cake and eaten it. Dressing it up like he's not that bad isn't going to help. Gotta to accept and own what he's done. There's no good side to it. Hopefully in time you can forgive but never forget.

Original poster

TheyCalledherPatience · 25/06/2019 20:10

I'm not sure I did dress it up as not that bad. Certainly didn't intend to.

OP posts:

LadyDowagerHatt · 25/06/2019 20:10

Marking place too. Coming up to 4 months after discovering my husband’s affair. He is having individual counselling, we are having joint counselling, he has cut contact and is doing all the right things, we are communicating better than we used to.

I feel sad, angry, heartbroken and insecure pretty much permanently at the moment. I’m not sure I can do this but everything bar the affair is good and like you we have a good family life. The counsellor said it can take 12 months to 2 years to move on. I just want to feel ‘normal’ again and feel the same way I used to about him but I know that’s not going to happen in a hurry, if ever.

SMellisa · 25/06/2019 20:10

You say he ended it and she came round and told you. Sounds like she is bitter he ended it. Sounds like she wanted him... and he chose you. You have the upper hand.

Maybe you could have a break for a few months and see how you feel/ see if you miss him.

Ginger1982 · 25/06/2019 20:19

Has he explained why he had the affair? Were there issues in your marriage at the time?

LadyDowagerHatt · 25/06/2019 20:25

*SMellisa if OP and her DH are both committed to re-building their relationship then a break probably isn’t the best thing to do, unless they are doing their marriage and themselves more harm by trying to stay together at the moment. It sounds like it would be a step backwards from where they are now as they have both made it clear they are committed to the relationship and are trying to make it work.

Moominfan · 25/06/2019 20:27

That was in reference to smellisa comment

Birdie6 · 25/06/2019 20:28

I stayed and tried to make it work for the sake of our children. He had a 2 year affair starting when I was expecting my 2nd child. When I found out he cut contact - and when I look back, it was his ability to do that which stayed with me. They'd been having a full-blown relationship and yet he walked away without a backward glance. Heaven knows how the OW coped with that .

I stayed for another 10 years and really, I should have just gone . Nothing was ever the same - I could never get past all the lies, all the sneaking away, pretending he had to go somewhere for work etc. He even told me once that a friend had died and he had to go away for 2 days to the funeral. I found out later , he'd been at a romantic hotel for 2 days with OW. While I was at home with his children.

Sorry I can't give you any feel-good stories. Living with someone who has lied to you over a period of time, it's something you really can't move past unless you are a saint.

Original poster

TheyCalledherPatience · 25/06/2019 20:29

The only explanation he can give is escapism. The only issue in our marriage as far as I was concerned was the stress of very young children.

OP posts:

Littlehouse156 · 25/06/2019 20:31

I think if you took children out of the equation, there would be more failed marriages due to infidelity and it’s women who generally compromise to keep the family together. Let’s face it, it’s not what you dreamt of when you were on the end of his marriage proposal. Only you will know though. Lots of people do get over it and move on.

thepinkp · 25/06/2019 20:32

A break might actually give you time to absorb what's happened and see how you really feel. I went through an emotional rollercoaster in those early months and it was absolute hell. Now I feel pretty dead inside, the thoughts of what's happened are less and less over time but it has never completely gone away. I sometimes find myself looking at him thinking how could you do this.. if you had some time apart you might be able to think about how it might be if your were permanently apart? You may also find that you can't be without him. Watch out for hysterical bonding.. which can be confused with re-connecting. It's not and soon dies off!

raisinsraisins · 25/06/2019 21:02

Unfortunately following too

Original poster

TheyCalledherPatience · 25/06/2019 21:04

Sorry Moominfan, I didn't realise that. Ps also a moomin fan

OP posts:

SMellisa · 25/06/2019 21:20

@LadyDowagerHatt obviously not committed if still having these doubts/ thoughts as OP has said though. Need to move on completely and forgive and forget and one way to do that is have a break and then see how you feel after. The limbo isn't going to help.

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