Post affair help and advice please

[TheyCalledherPatience]

I am looking for some experiences if possible. I am 6 months post discovery of my husband's affair (with added time before where I had suspicions). We have two young children, they were very young when he did this and it lasted around 7/8 months.
I am giving my marriage some time to see if we can work through this. I know that is not for everyone but for myself I feel I need to try. My husband is saying and doing all the right things and I am as confident as I can be that he hasn't seen her since the affair ended.
I have no idea if we can make this work and realise it may not. However I am hoping to hear from people who have moved past an affair to get some idea of whether it is ever possible. I am going round in circles in my head about what to do for the best and what I want and I can't find the answer.
I do believe that I could manage on my own, I am able to end this if I need to and I understand that staying for the children is not best for the children in the long run. But I do want my marriage saved if I possibly can because I feel like our family life is so much better together.
Any personal experiences would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

I do see your point about taking a break and being in limbo but I want to try this for a bit longer first. I really do want it to work if I can which was why I was hoping to hear some experiences where it has if they exist.

Can you explain about hysterical bonding?
I think that’s what me and DH are going through

@SMellisa I think the doubts/thoughts are natural even when committed - I too feel hugely conflicted on this. Unfortunately feeling in limbo also seems to be part of that process.

@BumWad

www.rebelcircus.com/blog/people-get-turned-theyre-betrayed-spouse-according-science/

Nope, I definitely haven't experienced that...

I am 15 yrs into a marriage where DH had an affair. Out marriage is stronger than it has ever been.
He knows I could have left at any point as not financially reliant upon him.
He confessed the affair . I didn't find out. I think he was fearful OW would contact me. He said (he would wouldn't he) that he got into it be because he was flattered (25 yrs younger) and then didn't know how to get out.

Tbh it took 3 years of hard work on his behalf and mine to be sure that it was what we both wanted.

Thank you. I hope we can get to the same point.

Yikes that hysterical bonding is definitely us.

DH has always had a bit of a prob addiction, he’d been using chat rooms and ended up meeting a woman who gave him a blow job in the back of her car. Happened the once when I was heavily pregnant with DC2 last year. I’ve only just found out about it.

Anyway we shagged like mad after I found out. I can’t comprehend my own thoughts and emotions.
It’s week 2 and I have asked him to leave and the rage is taking over now.

FFS - have you experienced this SMellisa? There is absolutely no glory in 'winning' a cheating husband.

I stayed after my DH's affair. We are three years on and have young children. The hardest thing by far is to stay. If you go, you know it's going to be awful for a time, maybe a long time, but eventually, at some point, it will be ok again. Staying is a life sentence and it never, ever goes. It erodes your confidence and self esteem and rears it's head over and over again. The last three years have been the absolute worst of my life. His selfish actions reduced my life to rubble and it's been so very hard trying to rebuild not only our relationship, but our lives and for me, my whole identity. The way I feel about him has changed now and I know that what's been lost will never come back, no matter how long we are together and I will never really trust him again.

It is possible to continue on past an affair. We are over 15 years post affair. But it doesn't mean it's easy or the stress and suspicion is gone. My advice to anyone who ends up in this situation is to WALK AWAY. My decision to continue the relationship is not one I'd choose again if I had my time over.

Here is a post from my perspective I wrote on an old thread a bit ago:

"We are over 15 years post affair. I have not forgotten. I have not forgiven. I try not to think about it much of the time which takes effort. It consumes me at other times.

When it happened I was not strong enough to walk away. My advice to anyone else dealing with it is to walk away because you will never forget and it will be a "thing" forever. It's not that I want it to be or intentionally let it consume me, I wish it wasn't this way. But it is and its how I live. Even if I left now, I'm damaged goods. I have too much "baggage" and could never trust again.

My husband doesn't know I still struggle with this. I keep it to myself. But it is part of the underlying causes of my mental health as it is today.

Won't go into all the details of the who and what but it is why I have always been very vocal about affairs never being ok, never being the answer and advise those who are involved in one or thinking about one to leave instead of stooping so low as to be one of these selfish people. Those who have affairs for whatever justification they choose to use as an excuse have NO idea what it does to the other person long term, how it affects them often for life and how unfair their actions are. And they are just excuses, people always have a good excuse in their mind as to why they had "no choice" but to have an affair...give me a break there is always a choice. You can choose the right thing and walk away before starting anew or you can be an asshole and lose all self respect and cheat.

IMO it's too late for me. The best years of my life are behind me and this is my life from here on in until I decide to end it for myself or live it out, I go back and forth between the two regularly but I have kids I don't want to leave in this world. At the moment I'm going through a particularly bad patch. I will still always be vocal about cheaters and how there is NEVER an excuse to cheat and advising the other party NOT to tolerate it. It will plague you for life, even after you leave if you did so, you will never forget and always be wary of anyone new.

This is the repercussions that some of us live with because of selfish cheaters who have only thought of themselves."

Hi too many puppies - I’m sorry you continue to feel bad. Is your mood down to your husbands affair? I hope you can find happiness for YOU.🌺

@theycalledherpatience

How bad was the affair? Think it can all depend on that really. Not really much positivity here except I discovered my dp in an EA/sexting for over a month. I've decided to work at it.
It's been over four months only since I discovered he was cheating. I'm trying so hard. Its definitely tough and emotionally draining but the key word here is try.
If you can muster something to the table, it can work. Obviously, I find it hard to trust him but I'm focusing at the positives rather than the negatives which helps

I stayed for 5 years after finding out and I really wish now that I’d kicked him out at the time. He actually got on his hands and knees and begged claiming he’d do anything to make it up to me. I agreed to give it another go but did it again 3 years later at which point I realised that he was never going to change. He moved into the spare room and by that point I couldn’t have cared less. The trust never returned and while he was initially happy to reassure me and give me access to his phone etc, he threw all of this back in my face later - so much for him being remorseful
I’m much happier without him, I would never consider giving a cheater a second chance ever again.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times
It’s about respect. You either respect someone in a relationship or you don’t.
You either stay with some who doesn’t respect you or you don’t.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 @Justbreathing

I applaud anyone who can get over this. But the truth is. You never do, EVER!! Because that trust has gone.

My friends are about to divorce 14 years after she discovered his affair.

She's just found out he's been meeting the woman again for secret drinks.

She has no idea if it's only recently or if it's been going on for years but she says that's it now.

She also says he never really apologised for his affair...never tried to build her confidence back up. Like you, she had very young babies when he had his affair.

14 years and now it's over.

Place marking...

OP, so sorry you're in this situation. I don't have personal experience of it but a friend recently went through something similar. She found the Esther Perel TED Talk, and Esther Perel's book, really helpful. If you don't know who Esther Perel is, she's a Belgian psychologist/relationships counsellor based in the US, who gave this TED Talk about infidelity, which is absolutely brilliant and so became a big sensation. I would highly recommend giving it a watch/listen.

One year on. Still struggling despite his profound regret, Shame and completely changed domestic behaviour. OW is a public figure and has a strong social media presence. People call to tell me they’ve heard her on the radio, like that will somehow help me. She has tried to get in touch as she knows o have a vast amount of career damaging correspondence and information. Who she is and her utter loathesomenes makes it harder. I turned detective and have shown husband how she lied and manipulated him, he is so embarrassed. It would be easier if I had no idea who she was and wasn’t haunted by her public persona which is of course that of some kind angel. We’re getting there despite her but I can’t say he’s forgiven (sitting us down to dinner together was a dick move for eg)

Thank you, I will look that up. I appreciate all the advice and personal experiences. I am certainly realising that it won't be easy and may not work in the end but I will keep trying for now. I'm not sure that I believe it's quite as black and white as either respecting someone or not.

About 2.5 years post becoming very suspicious, and just over 12 months post finding out for sure. We're about to start counselling - for the infidelity and DH's addictions. In the last 12 months I have tried so hard to improve in the areas that DH blamed for his cheating, but it hasn't made any difference. Until recently he was still in contact with one of the OW. My trust is all gone and if it wasn't for the children I'd be out of here yesterday. Could be out of here tomorrow. Not sure if I love DH any more. It's virtually impossible to rebuild trust and the lying and cheating and feelings of inadequacy eat away at you over time. In the last year I have developed anxiety and depression as a result of what DH has done. I wish I had a happy story for you, I know I searched for happy stories when this first happened to me.

Also, my psychologist believes that I'm suffering from a form of Stockholm Syndrome, because I continually protect DH (I haven't told anyone about the cheating because I don't want other people to be disappointed in him the way I am) and find it hard to be angry at him. Keep that in the back of your mind. It's a messed up way to relate to someone who has betrayed your trust in such a heinous way.

Sounds like she wanted him... and he chose you. You have the upper hand.

If she had the upper hand, her husband's dick wouldn't have been inside the ow in the first place.

Dear goodness, you've talked some pathetic bollocks on this thread.

All about being "chosen" after an affair, being in strong position because of it etc. Like it's a competition with another woman or she's lucky .. there shouldn't have been any competition or choice in the first place.

I turned detective and have shown husband how she lied and manipulated him, he is so embarrassed.

This is as bad or worse.
I mean .. wtf.

I am 2 months on post husbands affair.

We have been through the hysterical bonding phase, I think it is just a process. Devastation~hysterical bonding then working on our relationship properly.

It's not easy, some days the jealousy and devastation consumes me, though now, I am having more days of focusing on the future and seeing the positives.
It's not easy, and I knew that I would be happy and ok on my own, but I wanted to try again as I knew that if our marriage had been perfect in the first place then he wouldn't have cheated, though I am fully aware that there is no excuse to cheat, I think in a way I made it easier for him.

Only time will tell if we can get through this, I am confident of my ability to be able to forgive and move past it, but I'm not sure my husband can forgive himself- which is an important part of the process imo.