Post affair help and advice please

[TheyCalledherPatience]

I am looking for some experiences if possible. I am 6 months post discovery of my husband's affair (with added time before where I had suspicions). We have two young children, they were very young when he did this and it lasted around 7/8 months.
I am giving my marriage some time to see if we can work through this. I know that is not for everyone but for myself I feel I need to try. My husband is saying and doing all the right things and I am as confident as I can be that he hasn't seen her since the affair ended.
I have no idea if we can make this work and realise it may not. However I am hoping to hear from people who have moved past an affair to get some idea of whether it is ever possible. I am going round in circles in my head about what to do for the best and what I want and I can't find the answer.
I do believe that I could manage on my own, I am able to end this if I need to and I understand that staying for the children is not best for the children in the long run. But I do want my marriage saved if I possibly can because I feel like our family life is so much better together.
Any personal experiences would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

I am 7years post finding out and I wish to god I had left him and never looked back.

The trust was never regained and I have no respect for him. He is still a liar. Tells white lies over little things and bigger lies such as hiding drug use. I don't think he's had any more affairs but I cannot see past that shitty sneaky side of him. He also did nothing to repair the damage he'd done to my confidence and self esteem when he had his affair.

If you rely on him financially then leave. It's so so hard to recover from and he obviously isn't the one for you or the man you thought he was

Good luck!!

I personally think it's great if anyone can make it work. But for me any man will lie and do whatever they can to put something right. When his reputation and family are on the line. These men, like to present themselves as a good guy. They think they are.

You've only got to look at the lies and ways he went around to having the affair, at how easy he found it to lie. The stuff he would have told the OW etc

That's what breaks you in the end, the trust is never fully repaired. It's a true stat that 77% of men who have an affair and are forgiven will have another affair as they know they can be forgiven, they think they will be cleverer this time and not get caught etc.

You will question everything he ever tells you for life, you will get doubts when maybe none is there. When he goes out with friends, when he's late home, when he's on his phone etc.

@Moralitym1n1 what a shit message. Bore off. Read what you're saying yourself before calling me out. There are more than one side to everything. Not everything is black and white that includes opinions. Everyone is giving their opinions so I gave mine to help OP see different sides to everything.

I am 2 months on from finding out DP had an EA, he was talking and texting to a mutual friend and switched off from me, when discovered he claimed he didnt love me.

He wanted to stay and work on things, after 2 days i told him to leave, he cried and opened up about his EA, he stayed and we are working on things, he has backtracked on his not loving me, and says he does now.

It was never physical, i dont know if it ever would have but i think DP wanted it even if friend wouldnt have gone there. I dont know for certain. He claims he was down and we had drifted apart, which is true, we had, and the turned to friend about advise, but then it developed into phone calls and texts that i knew nothing about, i think i was down too (due to problems at work) but i didnt go looking for someone else.

I am finding it so hard. My emotions change hourly. I had no choice to tell people as i went to work the same day it all happened and spent most of the time sat at my desk sobbing uncontrollably, huge body shaking sobs, i got sent home. I told friends and family, telling my adult children was hard.

I still dont know if i have done the right thing working it through, i love him so much and he was my world. But i am a paranoid emotional mess, but it is getting better. I dont feel so much despair and enjoy spending time with my friends. I dont know if i can trust him again and i know if anything happened again he would be out, no second chances as i cant go through all this again. It has killed me.

DP is doing small things to help, like not being glued to his phone etc, but i still dont know if we will make it. I too just want to feel normal again and enjoy the things i used to love, like reading, watching tv, just being, i feel restless and unable to concentrate. I dont know how i havent been sacked from work as i am only mentally there 50% of the time, the amount of times i have nearly walked out is unreal. I want to run away and start again but my life is here.

Big hug for everyone going through this.

7 years on and I don’t trust him one bit. I haven’t forgiven and I never will. We plod along. I think he thinks we are happy. If we had no children I wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire.

@TheyCalledherPatience

Hi I commented earlier on that I'm going through the same thing, trying to work at relationship after dp caught sexting/possible EA.
Can I ask how bad the affair was in your situation? I.e was it EA, physical and how long it went on for. In my case I found out pretty soon after they started txtin so I'd consider myself lucky as me intervening makes a difference as in it could have gone much further....
I think the duration is important because it shows if it's just txting/harmless fun in their eyes or if it was full blown affair that lasted over 6 months, I'd find it extremely hard and maybe couldn't get past it....

They worked together for around 7 months. During that time there was definitely secret messaging (with a very much password protected phone), evening walks together, a couple of hotel 'work' nights and some infrequent meeting up/sex. So yes, I'd say a full blown affair. She has sent me some of his messages. They didn't make nice reading.
If anyone else was telling me this I know what I'd say, really I do. On the flip side I really believe he regrets it and for some reason I still want it to work if it possibly can. Obviously much of this thread is not really giving me much hope it can but I did ask!

I understand it is not so easy to just leave but I don't see how anyone could come back from a full blown affair that lasted 8 months !!!
I'm sure he is sorry now he got caught but how on earth would you ever trust him, I mean he must think you are a complete mug to take him back. I can guarantee you if the shoe was on the other foot you would be out that door so fast your head would spin. The level of deceit involved - whatever about a one night stand. I could forgive most things for the sake of the family unit but I don't think my self respect or the belief that it will most likely happen again at some stage when it will be harder to start again due to age. I really wish you the best but I wouldn't be looking for "success stories" more exit strategies

How did you find out? @TheyCalledherPatience

Wow @TheyCalledherPatience I'm amazed you were able to stay with him after that. That is very very sneaky and hurtful. Did he confess or did you find out yourself?

I think every relationship I've had has been marred with lies.
In the last one,we had a back and forth relationship - he hadn't cheated, but he did lie ( mostly about time spent with other women).

I absolutely hate that churning, insecure anxiety that was my constant companion. I hate it. That the first thought in the morning was that he didn't love me. I'd be driving along, singing to the radio, and I would get the thought that something wasn't right.
I will never, ever let myself be victim to that again - ever.

@SMellisa

Clearly I'm far from alone in thinking your views are ridiculous.

FFS - have you experienced this SMellisa? There is absolutely no glory in 'winning' a cheating husband. hmm

And it's not a "message", it's a post. Do you not 'do' IT as well as common sense.

@TheyCalledherPatience

That is heartbreaking. I dont think I would cope. Just barely coping now. Do they still work together? TBH, I still think something could be going on. The reason I think that is because he always tries to brush off speaking about her when I ask - she still.works with.him! No idea what to do. If she is still working with your dp I would say that would be a huge challenge

There have been many threads about this subject, but for some reason, this one has really moved me. I can feel and understand the hurt and honesty in every single post. I'm sorry for all of us, living with the consequences of someone else's shitty decisions. It's so bloody unfair.

My DF had a long affair with a friend of the family. My DM stayed because she had no money and three young children.
She never trusted him again and has resented him for a long time. She is, also, an angry person at times. Not often. She has forgiven him somewhat but she never forgotten.
She might have found someone better if she'd left. She might have been happier.
My advice to you: if they can do it once, they can do it again. Don't be afraid of being single or of raising your children as a single parent.

My partner had a ONS 5 years ago, we had been together 18 years. We had been having a tricky time with young DCs but were finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

My partners reason was that the very young woman/girl was paying him attention and it flattered him. He didn't see her again, but spent 6 weeks mooning about and wondering if he loved me before attempting to 'get off' with another young lady, and failing. He then confessed.

I was totally shocked and completely devastated.b I couldn't imagine life without him.

He has done every thing he possibly could to make amends, and we still get on very well, but he truth is in being unfaithful he has killed the that special something we had. On the whole I trust him, but I can say 'never' now☹️

On the plus side i am stronger than I ever have been, so if it happened again he would be long gone.

I found out when she came round to the house and told me about it a couple of months after it had ended. No they don't still work together. I don't think I'm scared to end it and I could manage financially. I just want to try and wanted to see if anyone had positive stories where they have managed to move past it.
I do want to say thank you that whilst many of you have advised me to leave, no one has made me feel stupid or weak for giving it a try (even if you've thought it). I know what I may well have to do and if I need to I will.

@TheyCalledherPatience that's the worry, it was ended for months and he didn't come clean and know who ended it.

You have to do what's right for you

Why is it so important to hold the marriage together?

That is not a trite passive aggressive question I promise you. Just, having been single for so long, I read these threads and wonder why women who deserve respect square up for a compromised life with a man who cheated on them for no good reason.

Do you have any reasons to stay together that aren't fear-based and financial?

I'm 2 years post discovery. It's shit and there's no going back no matter how much you try and dress it up or put a positive spin on it.

I'm sorry to be so negative but it's the reality in the cold light of day

Its important to me to try because I believe that if I could get past this it would be better for me and my family and because there's a lot of history and potential future that I don't know if I want to lose. As I said, I actually don't think I'm too scared to end it and we would be fine financially.
Bu I don't want to look back and think if only I'd tried. So I'm trying. And if I can't do it at least I will know that I gave it a go.

If anyone else was telling me this I know what I'd say, really I do.

This is the thing, we would all have different advice to others in the situation yet we have trouble taking the advice ourselves. I know I did.

On the flip side I really believe he regrets it and for some reason I still want it to work if it possibly can.

He might but it still happened and it still won't change how much it will affect you and your relationship long term. He can feel as bad as he wants and swear black and blue it won't happen again but it did and that can't be changed nor will it change your deep down suspicions every time he works back or goes out with friends etc.

Obviously much of this thread is not really giving me much hope it can but I did ask!

No, but like most of us who have been there you did ask, but even if every single person said under no circumstances should you stay etc you wouldn't listen. You've already made the decision to stay and try to forget it.

I know most of it isn't what you want to hear but for me at least, I was just being honest about how it affected me and does to this day. It virtually ruined my life and I can never change that now. If you choose to ignore the warnings about the long term affect given by others that's totally OK becsuse I'd have done the same and did do the same back when it happened. I probably should never have asked anyone because I knew I wouldn't listen if it wasn't the answer I wanted.

It's a really really hard, damaging thing to go through.

Mark my words, he will do it again. He does not respect you.

Save yourself and your family now you are prolonging the inevitable a very small fraction of people make it through after an affair.