Can't believe I need to post this...

[GuernseyDonkey1]

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

The "gone off you" thing is bonkers but let's just run with it for a second;

He said in the site he was a lapsed user, had been on a while back ago. So if it's due to your pregnancy, weight gain sex drive etc - why did he have an account on there in the past??

He's embarrassed and now saying what are we going to tell people.
I guess he's wanting you to keep his secret. You do need to confide in full IRL to someone you really can trust (your parents? A very long-standing trusted friend?) on whose shoulders you can lean/cry and hear from their reactions that you are not overreacting.

Thank god I have been squirrelling money away the past few months!
Is this in response to something else happening in your lives? Nevertheless thank goodness as you may need these funds. Continue to keep it secret for now and ensure you have concrete evidence of your mutual finances for if/when you take legal advice to separate/divorce. Even if you decide to stay (unlikely?) knowledge is power.

Just remember that this isn’t about you - it’s all about him. There clearly wasn’t anything you could do so please don’t blame yourself in anyway.

You can tell people that he lied to you & he cheated on you.

His sexuality doesn't need to come into it, although I don't see why it should be an issue, if he feels it is then so be it.

The truth is, he meets up with strangers on hook up sites, it doesn't matter if he's gay, straight or bi, that's not something you signed up for when you married him.

He will probably get fellow members to send messages that seem he is trying to tell them to f off. Tell your dps. And his. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. He is a lying cheating bastard.
My exh turned out to be gay. I was a cover dw. When I left he had an affair with my new ll Keith!

My guess is he has deleted all the dirty sent messages and replaced them with ones telling people to F off. An innocent man wouldn't destroy a laptop to prevent you from seeing what's on it. It's as simple as that.

You don't need more proof. Stop chasing it. Total waste of energy.

He will soon start being nasty-nice to make you keep his secret. Start telling everyone immediately and you can skip that whole cycle of unpleasantness as you decide what to say and then feel weird because it has been too long and then he has told people you are having a breakdown/have pnd in advance or whatever.

Who is your most gossipy friend? Call her in tears telling her what a cheating cottaging bastard he is and asking for her to help rally support for you from other friends at this difficult time.

I agree.
I wouod just say to people that he has cheated on you. You don’t need to say more.

Good luck with THE talk tonight

If it’s just the laptop casing that’s broken, you should be able to detach the hard drive and put it in a drive caddy (or just hook it in to a desktop with a spare connector).

You should be able to access it as a drive then and look for any pictures saved to it. If he’s been posting up profile pics or downloading pics from other people etc they’re almost bound to be on that drive.

No advice, just a hand hold.

He will just lie to you to get him off the hook.

I'm so sorry OP

Don't put too much faith in what he shows you. The site may allow you to delete sent items, so he could delete everything but the few messages to people he turned down.

No straight man goes to all the lengths of joining an invite only cottaging site and having a profile for years just out of curiosity. He is either gay or bisexual and has it seems cheated on you I'm afraid.

Tbh from what you've said he doesn't actually sound like the nicest of partners so I think that, hard as it may be, you may be much happier in the long run.

Thinking of you. It is going to be tough but you will get there.

OP, so sorry that this has happened to you and good that you can get to your local clinic for testing. There will be times that are busier and sometimes there can be a long wait, so take a book perhaps? The nurses are generally lovely there and do be very honest about why you are there - they will have heard it all before, and much worse! They will most likely want to know the last time you had unprotected sex, so as to take into account any window periods (the bit where someone has been infected but it's too early to show up on a test).

It does seem like he's bi - so sorry - but for me the worst bit now you have found out is his reaction - trying to blame you, changing his story, and outright lying. I believe that all relationships should be built on honesty.

If his cottaging account lapsed, I wonder if he used it before he married you, then stooped until more recently when he started using it again.

If his phone is a work phone, I totally agree that he would have another one - or at least a separate sim card. If he is actively cottaging, it is possible he keeps things like phone/spare sim, condoms and lube in his car - glove box or hidden elsewhere like with the spare tyre.

I do hope you get all your answers

What alligatorsmile said is spot on. Let him spiral around in his state of panic because he's been found out. He's desperately grabbing for any life jacket to save himself.

You need space right now and for him to get out of your face. I don't think trying to find out more or listening to any more of his lies will help you.

This isn't your fault. You can't change him. But you can take practical steps to put you and the kids first.

xxx

OP, no advice on your situation but if you actually are in Guernsey (assuming from your name) id be really careful about what you post, could get outing quite quickly with us having such a small community (and that’s not a hint, you’re not ringing any bells for me!)

He’s lying through his teeth

It’s not you, it’s him x

So a nasty gaslighting cheat? I would say you nee a solicitor pronto?

Cheating is cheating. Don't fall for his lies. He may have cleaned up his profile or sent some fake messages. Someone on the site is his friend so may help him.

This is the second (off the top of my head) beard thread recently and it was equally saddening, frustrating and really angering watching a seemingly lovely woman twist herself into knots and blame herself over not being 'enough' for a blatantly gay/bisexual man who is lying, then gas lighting and manipulating her at Olympic level.

Op if your friend, sister, daughter etc came to you with this; honestly, what would you think? What would you say to her? Would you think he'd done what he's been caught doing (which is usually the tip of the iceberg) is because she didn't have sex with him everyday after a pregnancy and birth?

Take yourself out of the situation and see how you view it.

OP, I was the closeted homosexual. I was married for 11 years, with ex for 13. It was an awful marriage and he was violent and abusive, but aside from that I ended up driving myself mad because I couldn’t stand living a lie. Yes there were other strong reasons I left, but the thing that really gave me th push was the fact that I was tearing myself apart longing to be myself.

If you stay with him then his longing will never go away. I wasn’t a cheat and never even contemplated it, but he already is a cheat, and he’ll just keep on cheating and feeling miserable and resentful and blaming you. You don’t deserve that. He needs to sort himself out but he needs to do that by himself. If he wants to be a coward in life then let him get on with it.

Kick him out or take your DC and leave. Forget the laptop. Chances are he’s zapped it all anyway, and do you really need to know. I can tell you now that to get invited to a web site like that he would have already been shagging around. Men don’t think of sex the way we do, they’re just meet up, fuck then leave. It’s purely transactional. You really don’t want or need to know, it won’t do you any good.

Good luck. Confide in your friends. The shame is all his to bare and you owe him nothing. End the relationship, heal yourself and move on.

These guys want/need sexual interaction with other men (whether that's alongside sex with women or not), that's the bottom line (pun sort of intended).

"I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop!"

I'd leave the bastard. Whatever was in those sent messages, must have been really bad. He's tried to cheat on you at least (and there's probably a good chance he already has)

Everything @Moralitym1n1 has said...

He will have deleted everything or made another (ghost account) with non inflammatory messages to cover his tracks.

The excuses are that weak they're actually insulting!!

He went on there looking for sex because he's gay or bisexual, you know this already I'm sure, despite the ridiculous cock and bullshite he's spewed.

Are you the poster from before who's husband pocket dialled her whilst obviously having a meet up with a man?

If it is you boot him out, and if it isn't you boot him out!

Also I forgot to add he's a controlling arsehole which is reason in itself to get rid!

Don't turn this inwards and implode your self esteem. This has nothing to do with weight or frequency of sex.

I can't believe some of the feable excuses these trashy pricks come up with.....shocking.

Hi all
Thanks again for the messages.
Got the laptop, he'd took the hard drive out and threw that and the charger in the bin.
He told me the email address - which turns out to be one he's used to set up a fake Facebook account (I knew about it previously) which he'd told me ages ago it was to post on our local Facebook site. But now I see there are a few men and transgender people on his friends list. I'm so stupid!

He now says it's for a cheap thrill he's never cheated.

I logged on and on Saturday when he says he was deleting his account he has liked 4 pics and liked another 2 weeks ago. The sent messages are deleted but the received ones are there. Clearly responding to him!

He was stood there and decided liking anything! He must think I'm so stupid! I've photographed everything.

He's sat downstairs crying. I've told him it's over and I'll go to my moms tomorrow.

Denied not decided.

He says he's been a user on a dogging site in 2011 and thus site is a progression from that and you get automatic membership.

Id be laughing at his pathetic ness if i wasn't so devastated .