Can't believe I need to post this...

[GuernseyDonkey1]

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

Yes, I frequently join lesbian sex sites to tell them to go away and leave me alone.

What's that smell? Oh yes, bullshit.

I would expect he used protection and that you won't have anything. He would have to be reckless to the point of mental illness to have unprotected gay sex with strangers and then have sex with you as well. I say this because I don't want you to take a clean bill of health as a sign hes been truthful with you.

Also, he is going to have cleansed his messages before he shows them to you. Be aware of that as well.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. He sounds very troubled, and cruel. I hope you can stick to your guns and get him away from you asap. The more time you spend around him, the worse you are gone to suffer x

No advice, just solidarity x

And in case he plays the poor me card later - I'm bisexual and sympathise with people struggling to be open about their sexuality but it is NOT an excuse for cheating, destroying your partner's confidence and then gaslighting them.

If you are so unhappy you're actively looking outside of the relationship, that relationship should be over. Everyone has crushes or thinks other people are good looking, but he has not done something impulsive that can be explained away. At minimum he has:

Got someone's joining code
Registered for the site
Confirmed his registration through email
Filled in his profile
Added pictures to his profile
Opened messages
Replied to messages
Checked for messages multiple times
Hidden it all from you
Told you it was to find someone for you to both have sex with

Do not let him think you are over reacting. Only saving grace is it's slightly easier to end it when they are such a dick about things.

For example my ex added a picture of us both to a swinging site, describing what we (NOT ME - I PERSONALLY HAVE NO INTEREST IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN MONOGAMY AND HAD NO IDEA HE HAD DONE IT) were looking for. I was absolutely furious, it was such a huge betrayal and anyone I know could have seen it and assumed (fairly) that I was on board.

It made it so much easier to just fuck him off and never see him again, as opposed to when I've been cheated on other times and stayed.

You poor thing.

Now I think of it he always wants me to do really (in my eyes) vile things to him and he focuses a lot around his arse. He loves rough sex too which once in a while I dont mind but not.all.the.freakin.time.

Funny how when you look back things click into place?

I am sorry if that sounds like I am being stereotypical - I have nothing against people of any sexual orientation at all but its just I guess those things are making me think.

I said to him yesterday "you are what you are, I wouldnt have an issue if you were just HONEST with me" he keeps repeating he isn't gay. He's embarrassed and now saying what are we going to tell people.

No wonder you weren’t having sex with him! Doesn’t sound like it was enjoyable for you.

I dont know what happened but as soon as I fell pregnant my sex drive dropped, then coupled with a traumatic birth and the back pain from a huge Diastasis Recti since hasnt helped. I am always very tired too (blame this on my age and looking after a toddler!). Also I have piled the weight on since birth and have zero motivation to do anything ever.

I guess he has gone off me.

“he says he will show me everything when I get home,”

Everything he wouldn’t let you see when he wouldn’t let you have his log in? Everything left once he has selectivity deleted and edited?

What a re-assurance that will be

He hasn’t ‘gone off you’.
He is gay.
He has been in denial for a long time - and he has now been caught out.

Hi OP, I am so so sorry this happened, what a dreadful shock for you.

Like others I have no advice, I just wanted to say how gutted I feel for you and if possible sending you positive vibes through t'internet.

NOTHING you have done or not done has caused this. Please don't forget that. Sending you strength x

He's embarrassed and now saying what are we going to tell people

He is concerned for his public image now and panicking about his secret life being exposed, at this point he will cry, blame you further and gaslight you into believing that this is your fault, don't believe a word of it, at this point a lot of cheaters can swing between vicious and self pity. We are now at the image management stage of the cycle, the spin he will put out is that you grew apart, fault on both sides, blah de blah, they are all the same.Beware OP and stay strong.

He has not gone off you. He used you as his respectable side to his sexuality, his beard.

re your comment:-
"I said to him yesterday "you are what you are, I wouldnt have an issue if you were just HONEST with me" he keeps repeating he isn't gay. He's embarrassed and now saying what are we going to tell people".

All that stuff on the laptop did not get there by itself; he actively went searching for it. And your reactions are understandable, you have not overreacted here.

He is only wanting to save his own neck, he's embarrassed?!. He seems also more concerned now about how he appears to others than anything else. He is still treating you utterly abysmally and with contempt.

I guess he has gone off me.

He was never really on you.

He has a fetish about his own ass and is (at the very least) communicating on a site that is for casual gay sex hookups in public toilets etc.

I have a tiny little doubt this is anything to do with you. I don't know why women do this to themselves; partner clearly into sex with other me ... ",Oh, what's wrong with me, he's gone off me".

I'm not trying to be insulting, just to get you to smell the coffee.

What he will happen next is that he wíll lie and lie and continue to lie outrageously, in the expectation of wearing you down.

Gird yourself.

*other men

For the sake of clarity if you're on the naive side about cottaging; it is (at the very very least) men exposing themselves to each other in public toilets, but more usually wanking in front of other men, wanking each other, giving and/or receiving blow jobs, and possibly - penetrative sex .. with other men.

He's either done that or is on a site advertising himself for and looking for that (and fantasising about it).

And you think he's "gone off" you.

Love ...

He is only wanting to save his own neck, he's embarrassed?!. He seems also more concerned now about how he appears

Yeah "what are we going to tell people".

Why do I think he'd prefer you said nothi g or a nice little made up story he prompts you with, rather than the truth.

What a fkg double life leading, delusional, cowardly, deceitful, degenerate arse of an individual.

I know what Cottaging is.

Even if he hasn't met anyone, the fact he has lied to me several times over this and contradicted himself is just as bad I think.

I agree @Moralitym1n1 100%

I dont know what happened but as soon as I fell pregnant my sex drive dropped, then coupled with a traumatic birth and the back pain from a huge Diastasis Recti since hasnt helped. I am always very tired too (blame this on my age and looking after a toddler!). Also I have piled the weight on since birth and have zero motivation to do anything ever.

Yeah you definitely turned him gay.

Funny how every other heterosexual cheater, cheated with a woman. ( Or went on hetero porn sites, or female cam girls, or hetero hookup/sex sites, or female "escorts")...

the fact he has lied to me several times over this and contradicted himself is just as bad I think.

Absolutely it is.

Even if you somehow drew a line today and tried to have a fresh start, how can you EVER trust him now? Or sleep with him? You'd always been wondering.

You left the most important thing off your list - you don't have a dick & balls.

The dude is bi - at the very least.

And a lying, cheating bi.

OP whatever else you take away from this, please understand that NO AMOUNT OF WEIGHT GAIN or drop in your libido makes a straight man interested in or want sexual activity with other men. Stop looking at yourself as the blame. He is gay. Or Bi. He's not willing to be open about it so he will gas light you till eternity to try to give himself excuses but the facts are still that no straight man is turned gay by anything to do with a woman.

I used to live in quite a rural area and there was really only one (out and proud) gay man in the village. He used to tell me that most of the men that tried it on with him were married men. Couple that with me going to Thailand and the ladyboys telling me there that most of the men that are with them are married men - has made me have no illusions about men ever.