So sick of DH always coming home later than he says

[gonnahavearant]

I just need to rant. Whenever DH goes out, I’ll ask him what time I can expect him home, he’ll happily give me a time, but then without fail, every single night out he has, he comes home way later than he originally said. The lateness can range from an hour, to 5-6 hours which I’m so sick of.

In the past, he’d just completely ignore whatever time he’d initially stated, ignore my worried calls and texts wondering where the fuck he was, and would stroll in at god knows what time of the night absolutely fucked. Lately (in the past year or so), he’s taken to messaging me a matter of minutes before he should be home, to say he’ll be an hour late (it’s almost always an hour that he claims he’ll be), the new time will roll around, still no sign of him so I start to panic, but then I won’t hear from him again until he turns up, which could be another hour, it could be two, it could even be three.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant and we have two young DC’s at home (under three), and I’ve just had it up to here with the blatant lack of respect.

Tonight he was going out for ‘just a few beers’. He said he’d be home for absolute definite by midnight, and in his own words ‘probably earlier than that’. 12 rolls around, up pings the message ‘lost track of time, will be back in an hour. My bad!’. An hour and a half passes, still not home, and didn’t hear from him again. He finally got in at 2am, so two hours late which I know isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things, but given this happens every single time, I’m just fed up.

He got annoyed at me for being pissed off with him, and was sarcastically laying in bed going ‘anything else? Anything else you want to bring up? Go on!’ in a really childish, wind up tone. I ended up getting dressed and walking round the block and am now sleeping in a different room as his constant lateness combined with his ridiculous attitude tonight has made me want to be nowhere near him.

Ugh. Anyone else’s DH’s think it’s totally ok to ignore what time they said they’d be back and just stroll in whenever they feel like it?

I feel like I’m probably doubly annoyed because of how heavily pregnant I feel at the moment, and it doesn’t help that he’s had 10x more nights out than I’ve had over the last few years.

Why does he have to give a time though? Plans change. I sometimes pop out for happy hour and roll in at 3am. I would not want someone checking up on me, I am a grown adult. Why does he get more nights out than you? That is not fair.

i think you need to seriously consider whether he is an alcoholic.

I would go to some al-anon meetings to seek some specialist advice.

In the meantime look after yourself. You clearly can’t rely on him so work out who can support you in RL and ask them if they would mind stepping up

And finally time for a serious talk. His behaviour is not ok. It needs to stop and it needs to stop now.

Why are you having another baby to him then? He clearly gives 0 fucks towards you at 36 weeks pregnant leaving you on your own with your other 2 kids. Think you need to seriously think if this is the life for you and your children.

On the one hand, curfews for grown-ups are ridiculous. He'll be home when he's home. Just expect him home for breakfast.

On the other hand I don't sleep well when DH is out. So he always changes his time but he lets me know.

If there is a fundamental lack of fairness in your relationship, that needs to be addressed.

I just think it's courteous to give a rough time of when you think you'll be home, and if you have no clue, then say that you don't know!

My issue is, he'll say for example, he'll be back by 10. It'll get to half 11 and I'll be wondering where he is and starting to panic that somethings happened if I haven't heard from him. He'll then message at say, 12, to say he'll be an hour for definite, only to then rock up at 3am.

We have young DC's and I just don't think it's okay to constantly push back and back what time he decides to roll in at. If he knows he won't be home till 2-3am, then I'd rather him say that from the off as opposed to feeding me a bunch of bullshit times he can't stick to and Leaving me worried.

I can completely understand, it's very unfair if this is happening so often in this way., especially when you are of with other young children.
I would much rather have no time line, then I wouldn't be staying up etc. Also, XH was a bit controlling and if I went out (eg for a drink after an exercise class or similar) he needed a time I would be home by & if I was ever later then he'd have a huge go at me.

I’ve got lots of experience with this in my family of origin.

Your husband isn’t going to change unless he wants to, or his health deteriorates. I also assume you want to stay married. So, I suggest you give him one day a week (assuming he’s going out more than that now-adjust the number to your situation) that he can go out and come home whenever he wishes. But it is ONLY for that agreed to time.

I don’t think you need to worry, he’s an adult, but that’s obviously easy for me to say.

My ex did this when we were first living together. Was pre mobile phone explosion too.

Eventually I sat him down for a chat when he was sober and I was relatively calm. I basically said to him "to you it's a case of 'no big deal not hurting anyone' to me once you're at least an hour late I'm thinking you've been mugged or hit by a car and are lying dying in a ditch somewhere"

His face fell and he admitted he hadn't thought of it that way.

Like you I'd have even been happy with "its gonna be a late one dunno when I'll be home"

I also had the additional issue of he was MURDER for forgetting his key and at that time we had a door that had to be locked by a key or else anyone could walk in so I also didn't feel safe sleeping with an open/unlocked door - another thing he "didn't get" which I was able to equate to his parents having been burgled and how unsettled that left his mum.

So he started taking his key and being more realistic about likely return home and even for some nights out if they were going to be really late and I had an early start he'd arrange to stay at a mates.

It's thoughtless and selfish. Especially so with young children and a pregnant wife.

To be quite honest he needs to be much more available and sober right now, he can't be pissed if you go into labour or there's another emergency!

Ex stopped going out on heavy nights out when I hit 2nd trimester and stopped drinking altogether when I hit 24 weeks.

I honestly don't understand fathers to be still going on big nights out and getting completely pissed when their partners/wives are heavily pregnant.

And yes I do think you've enabled/allowed this to some degree by not addressing this until your THIRD pregnancy!

It must be feel horrid and scary for you to wonder where he is and if he’s hurt

But he’s a grown man on a night out, sometimes plans change. He doesn’t have a curfew, he’s allowed to stay out if he wants spending his earned money

Does he give you opportunity to spend money as you please on other things?

Though I don't believe in having to rigidly stick to times, he does sound inconsiderate. You could do with his help and support at home, he must know that.

I would hate to be out with friends having a good time and have to clock watch! I get home whenever as so does my dp.

No one needs to be "courteous" on a night out, but like your at home doing his dinner!

*not like

@gonnahavearant just go to bed at your normal time then a) you’ll be asleep and not worrying b) you won’t be posting paranoia on mumsnet c) you won’t seem like someone who doesn’t want their partner to be able to have a night out without you

How often is he going out?

What’s he like the next day? Is he getting up and doing his fair share with the kids / house, etc??

Are you getting any time to yourself to go out or relax?

Stop asking him for a time. Experience tells you that he won’t stick to it, so there’s no point.

Just go to bed when you normally would, and go to sleep.

I never ask DP what time he's going to be back. As long as he's back by the time I wake up the next day, I don't usually worry. Maybe stop asking him for a time and just accept he might be out all night. I think asking is a bit controlling tbh.

If you're upset that he's going out more often than you then solve that by making plans with friends!

I give my DSS a time to come in, he’s 16... but my husband no. Just like I wouldn’t except (when I’m not pregnant) to be given a time to come in.... if I’m out with my friends it’s when we’ve finished... this could be 11pm or 3am.
He’d probably check in if he’s out or me visa versa, but we are used to working shifts. Shifts when we are supposed to finish at 3am but 6am comes and we are still at work as something has come in.
I can sleep without worrying about him and visa Versa.

Is the problem maybe how much he is going out at the moment rather than the timings?

I agree with you OP. You have a young family and he should indicate a reasonably accurate time that he will be home.

Does it matter what time he gets home? It sounds like he never goes completely awol to the extent that he crashes at someone's house and you don't know where he is.

I think you need to accept that he's telling you a time because you think it's 'courteous' but he really doesn't know. Would you rather he watched the clock and got up and left to get back at this arbitrary time he's told you, even if he's still having a good time?

If the amount he's going out or how much he's drinking/spending is affecting your family, or if he's letting you down with plans for the next day, that's a different issue to resolve.

This is controlling behaviour, op. This is one of the ways my DH kept me trapped at home, controlling my every movement. I couldn't ever make plans or go out because I couldn't rely on him. He never actually said I wasn't allowed a social life, but he certainly made sure it didn't happen.

The fact he is going out all the time when you have 2 small children and another on the way isn't fair and he's being out of order. I also think fathers and fathers to be going our drinking all the time and prioritising mates time when they have young children and pregnant partners is inconsiderate manchild behaviour.

However, curfews and times for nights out in an adult relationship does seem a bit ridiculous to me. Unless DH or I are expecting a lift back or feeding when we get back (time depending) then we don't give times to be back. Sometimes I'll go out for quick food and next thing it's midnight and we're still chatting. I'd be annoyed if DH was clock watching and called me out on it.

I never understand threads like these.

“You’ve had it up to here” yet you’ve had 2 kids with him and have decided to have another.

I doubt it matters what anyone says you’ll likely stay with him and accept his behaviour.

Sorry to be harsh but it’s a recurring pattern on MN

Some people would be OK with this but I think it's completely disrespectful to your partner. He has parental responsibilities. He can't just disappear and do WTF he likes.

I'm sorry OP but I think you need to consider these possible causes:

Alcoholism/drug abuse
OW/prostitutes

But aside from those potential issues there's the very real issue of his lack of respect towards you and your family.

How would he feel if you did the same? Regularly?

I generally think nothing innocent happens after midnight.

Does he go out regularly? I know it's important to see friends, but he has responsibilities and a family now, do you ever get to go out whilst he stays at home with the children? I wouldn't be bothered when he was out what time he came back, although I can see how this can be stressful if you're a worrier, and disrespectful.