So sick of DH always coming home later than he says

[gonnahavearant]

I just need to rant. Whenever DH goes out, I’ll ask him what time I can expect him home, he’ll happily give me a time, but then without fail, every single night out he has, he comes home way later than he originally said. The lateness can range from an hour, to 5-6 hours which I’m so sick of.

In the past, he’d just completely ignore whatever time he’d initially stated, ignore my worried calls and texts wondering where the fuck he was, and would stroll in at god knows what time of the night absolutely fucked. Lately (in the past year or so), he’s taken to messaging me a matter of minutes before he should be home, to say he’ll be an hour late (it’s almost always an hour that he claims he’ll be), the new time will roll around, still no sign of him so I start to panic, but then I won’t hear from him again until he turns up, which could be another hour, it could be two, it could even be three.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant and we have two young DC’s at home (under three), and I’ve just had it up to here with the blatant lack of respect.

Tonight he was going out for ‘just a few beers’. He said he’d be home for absolute definite by midnight, and in his own words ‘probably earlier than that’. 12 rolls around, up pings the message ‘lost track of time, will be back in an hour. My bad!’. An hour and a half passes, still not home, and didn’t hear from him again. He finally got in at 2am, so two hours late which I know isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things, but given this happens every single time, I’m just fed up.

He got annoyed at me for being pissed off with him, and was sarcastically laying in bed going ‘anything else? Anything else you want to bring up? Go on!’ in a really childish, wind up tone. I ended up getting dressed and walking round the block and am now sleeping in a different room as his constant lateness combined with his ridiculous attitude tonight has made me want to be nowhere near him.

Ugh. Anyone else’s DH’s think it’s totally ok to ignore what time they said they’d be back and just stroll in whenever they feel like it?

I feel like I’m probably doubly annoyed because of how heavily pregnant I feel at the moment, and it doesn’t help that he’s had 10x more nights out than I’ve had over the last few years.

Stop worrying about him and build your own life. Is drinking the problem? If so get help from alanon. Decide if you can live with it, it won't improve.
If drinking is incidental (does he drink at home) you need relationship advice. If he won't see the problem (talk to him sober) there's no future here

You are married to an alcoholic who doesn't give a shit about you and hasn't for some time. Stop having babies with him FFS.

If my DP was choosing to stay away from me to sit on his own so frequently I’d be questioning our relationship. I’d be asking him to sit down with me and tell me how he’s feeling, he’s clearly not happy neither are you.

Okay the drinking isn't the problem, he's not an alcoholic... I'm not sure if I've been wording my posts badly, but he doesn't drink at home, and he's not out every single week doing this.

It's just that when he does go out, this is what it gets like, every single time. I never know whether he'll be back on time and I'll have heard from him once or twice, or whether he'll be 6 hours late, absolutely three sheets to the wind and starting arguments after total radio silence since leaving the house.

Yes, when he goes out, it can escalate and he can drink too much, but he's not even close to being an alcoholic so that's not my concern or what the issue is here.

It's the constant 'yeah babe, I'll be home by X time, will see you then for definite!'... hours later, not home, then if I'm lucky, he'll message me of his own accord telling me a new time he'll be back, only to then be later than the new time he'd given. He knows I worry and he knows I struggle to switch off thinking of all the things that could potentially happen whilst he's drunk and walking home from town (which is 40 odd minutes away) - anything could happen, an accident, a fight, who knows! I simply can't be one of those people that just happily go to bed even though he's nowhere to be seen and haven't heard from him. I just worry.

I think the going out is almost irrelevant at this point, the issue is that he's an arsehole who has actually told you he doesn't give a shit how you feel.

I don't think I could come back from him repeatedly saying that, he didn't blurt it out once. But I do understand you're in a really tough position with lots of shared responsibility to consider.

I think you should remember how cruel it is of him to tell you he doesn't care how you feel and whether you want to have to work through that. I couldn't.

Either run for the hills or send him packing.
No good will come of this. If his friends are all single or do as they please with their partners, yours will want to be like them or be made to feel the odd one out.
My stbxh followed his friends who were all living the ‘grown arsed boy’s life’ returning home at 2 or 3 am even after work.
I stopped asking for a return home time and made it clear that whatever time he said he was going to return was entirely up to him as long as the children and I were not going to be woken. I had only recently made the choice of sleeping in the sitting room and slept in it for 3 nights when stbxh came downstairs one morning and accused me of being a prostitute (marijuana paranoia must have set in) for sleeping in the sitting room. Fast forwards a few months, he’s filed for divorce for MY unreasonable behaviour (one of his reasons being that it was left to him to initiate sex for the last few years of the marriage and was turned down ) That’s right! At 2 or 3 am!
We would ALL be given the silent treatment for days.
As the song goes ‘You can’t raise a man!’
He doesn’t want or care what his responsibilities are.
He’s made his choice, make yours.

My dad made my mum go to rehab because she binge drank. She didn't do it every night, but when she drank she always drank to excess. The final straw was a night they came home from a party at a friend's house and my mom was so drunk she couldn't get herself up the stairs. My dad was really angry with her. My mom's drinking was affecting their relationship, so it was a problem and she got help. It probably also wasn't great that my sisters and I had seen my mother drunk innumerable times.

I think your DH has a problem with alcohol.

You are not being unreasonable. It's hard to sleep when you are increasingly worried/annoyed by DH behaviour. To be treated as an adult one should act as an adult and take responsibility for your own actions. A few beers and a late night every now and again is fine but it seems that you are describing something more frequent than this.

LTB, I mean what on earth does he bring to the relationship.

So what he spends £200/month on going out? Is that £ you can afford?

I’d be livid and I certainly wouldn’t put up with such selfish single man behaviour.

He has a problem with alcohol. You don’t have to drink every night to have a problem. He can’t keep his word when he drinks, he lets people down, he drinks more than he wants to or can afford and he does it on his own. Xx

And he’s told you to your face that he doesn’t care.

I think the not spending money on you as a couple isn't good. You need to do more things together. However if he isn't going out every week, I'm not sure why he he's having to check in with you. My husband occasionally goes out with friends and says he's not sure when he will be back, could be 11 or could be 2. I don't worry and I don't expect him to keep me aware of his movements.

sparky you’ve said it so brilliantly, op I hope you start to take on some of the advice here.

It sounds like you are minimising his behaviours.

He is self-centred and disrespectful to you.

2 types of alcoholics OP. The ones who need a drink every day and the ones who don't need a drink every day but have no off switch once they start. If its impacting his family life and its a problem and he can't stop, he's an alcoholic. I also think he's a lying shit but there's only 1 type of those.

I know you are pregnant OP so you probably just want a little more consistency from your DP right now but tbh I think you should a little controlling. The post almost sounded like you are his mum complaining about him getting home late from playing out with friends.

I don’t really see the problem with it it happens when you are out drinking it’s so easy to loose track of time maybe that’s just his way to de stress. Deep down do you resent the fact he can still go out drinking etc and have a different life when you are the one at home with the children? When I look into it that’s usually the real reason I get frustrated with my DP

Solo, have you read the thread?

@solodreams I'm not sure if you've read the whole thread as some more has happened since OP first posted:

It all just descended in to an argument, with him telling me he doesn't give a shit that I care about him when he's out, he doesn't care that I'm upset and that in future he'll either 'just not go out at all' or he'll 'not contact me whatsoever when he's out, won't answer messages and will stroll in at whatever time of the morning he feels like'.

I think this is pretty indefensible.

I agree with solodreams

If everything else is ok, and I assume it is as you've decided to have 3 kids with him, just decide when he goes out no phone calls, no keeping in touch

Just go to bed at 11 and go to sleep

You worrying all night when he's out is your problem not his

I don't stay up fretting when my dh is out, he's an adult, even if he's not drinking he could be in an accident, do you worry when he's at work too ?
The things he's said today are most likely because he's hungover and you're going on at him

Book yourself some nights out for when the baby is old enough to be left, have fun , don't be a martyr

@thatcurlygirl

We all say things we don't mean when we feel like shit and are being got at

@bigchris

Have to agree to disagree on this one, there's snapping about stuff and there's being plain nasty and disrespectful. They don't sound on the same page at all.

Everyone has different limits - as I said to OP I personally wouldn't want to work through what seems like a toxic environment but totally respect everyone is different and she may well want to.

" It all just descended in to an argument, with him telling me he doesn't give a shit that I care about him when he's out."

I agree with solo too. I think him saying this in an argument could be because he is sick of being treated like a child and probably just snapped back when being nagged. I think people are reading too much into this situation, having to know precisely when he will be home seems a bit controlling. As I said previously, my husband occasionally goes out with an open ended return time. I don't nag him to contact me about exactly when he will be back.

A problem drinker isn't purely defined by drinking constantly. If your drinking is affecting your life (health), love (relationships) or livelihood (work/education) then he is a problem drinker as it is clearly having a big impact on his relationship. Those saying he is an adult so shouldn't have a curfew can't be taking into account him showing you some respect as his life partner or being responsible in his role as father and husband. It's not fair on you or the children. It's not as simple as working man being able to let himself go a night here and there, family should always come first. His priorities aren't the same as your's and he doesn't appear to respond to your offer of a simple, mature conversation around it. Possibly because he is feeling defensive and knows deep down he's in the wrong to treat you like this. I echo the previous posters who recommend getting some advice from al anon as they really are the experts on this. None of us want to admit that someone we care about or ourselves have a problem like this but it's in no way a reflection on you. Those judging how many children you've chosen to have with your partner are clearly ignoring what is obvious to some of us who have experienced it-that a manipulative and selfish partner will convince the other that this is how a normal relationship is, so why would someone second guess continuing a normal relationship? It is not equal and this situation is not fair for you or your children. I hope you find the support you need to find even more love and respect for yourself as it is clearly lacking from your partner.

Based on your post at 0840 you have bigger problems than mere thoughtlessness.

He's actively avoiding coming home and seeking solace in alcohol.

That could indicate alcoholism, a problem with your relationship...

Were the children all planned?

Think you need a serious discussion with him about if he actually wants to be part of this family because he's not acting like it.

1125 post says all you need to know really - he doesn't care!

Doesn't care if you're worried, if you need to get hold of him, if you care about him, if you respect him...

Seriously is he remotely a decent, responsible husband and father?

"but he doesn't drink at home, and he's not out every single week doing this." Neither of which means he isn't an alcoholic there is a form of alcoholism that is "occasional" binge drinking, plus he could be on his way to alcoholism but just isn't at the point yet of drinking at home/frequently.

Doesn't sound like he can stop drinking once he starts which IS an indicator of alcoholism.

But what is for definite is he's not treating you fairly or respectfully.

gonnahavearant my OH is exactly the same. I dont ask now, just make sure he has his keys and I go to bed. He isnt a phone fanatic so wont answer anyway or think to text. Interestingly he has started asking when I will be home and I say I don't no he says give me an idea. I said no as I am not having him sitting up waiting and then having a dig when I dont get back when he expects me to