So sick of DH always coming home later than he says

[gonnahavearant]

I just need to rant. Whenever DH goes out, I’ll ask him what time I can expect him home, he’ll happily give me a time, but then without fail, every single night out he has, he comes home way later than he originally said. The lateness can range from an hour, to 5-6 hours which I’m so sick of.

In the past, he’d just completely ignore whatever time he’d initially stated, ignore my worried calls and texts wondering where the fuck he was, and would stroll in at god knows what time of the night absolutely fucked. Lately (in the past year or so), he’s taken to messaging me a matter of minutes before he should be home, to say he’ll be an hour late (it’s almost always an hour that he claims he’ll be), the new time will roll around, still no sign of him so I start to panic, but then I won’t hear from him again until he turns up, which could be another hour, it could be two, it could even be three.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant and we have two young DC’s at home (under three), and I’ve just had it up to here with the blatant lack of respect.

Tonight he was going out for ‘just a few beers’. He said he’d be home for absolute definite by midnight, and in his own words ‘probably earlier than that’. 12 rolls around, up pings the message ‘lost track of time, will be back in an hour. My bad!’. An hour and a half passes, still not home, and didn’t hear from him again. He finally got in at 2am, so two hours late which I know isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things, but given this happens every single time, I’m just fed up.

He got annoyed at me for being pissed off with him, and was sarcastically laying in bed going ‘anything else? Anything else you want to bring up? Go on!’ in a really childish, wind up tone. I ended up getting dressed and walking round the block and am now sleeping in a different room as his constant lateness combined with his ridiculous attitude tonight has made me want to be nowhere near him.

Ugh. Anyone else’s DH’s think it’s totally ok to ignore what time they said they’d be back and just stroll in whenever they feel like it?

I feel like I’m probably doubly annoyed because of how heavily pregnant I feel at the moment, and it doesn’t help that he’s had 10x more nights out than I’ve had over the last few years.

Why is he going out so much without you, OP? You’re supposed to be a couple, why isn’t he taking you out in the evenings?
What social outlet/fun do YOU get? Are you stuck in with the kids all the time while he’s out getting drunk and enjoying himself? Why?
I’d be much more concerned by his complete lack of concern for your enjoyment than the actual time he was arriving home. And as PPs have asked - does he have a drink problem?

You sound very frustrated and like you're being put in the parent position in your relationship with a teenager who wants to rebel a bit with a curfew. You need to stop parenting this adult baby. Maybe he's an alcoholic, maybe he's just immature, maybe both. You cant change other people, only your own behaviour so stop worry about where he is and texting him. Seek out your own life and support especially given that you're heavily pregnant. Do you have adequate support for when baby comes because it doesn't sound like you can rely on this loser. Then he either shapes up of his own accord, you accept his current behaviour or you LTB.

This sounds to me like a man I knew who would go and see his OW at those times.

Stop asking him what time he'll be back. I don't really get why you feel the need to do that, when my dh goes for a night out, I say see you later and that's that. It does seem a little controlling to be asking him. It's also pointless because clearly whatever time he says, he'll be later than that so you're not achieving anything by asking.

He’s done this countless times yet you still panic? It’s a habit you’ve got yourselves into- you ask a time and he pulls one out of the air and then gets pissed and forgets/ignores it. He knows you’ll be angry with him anyway so carries on- may as well delay the inevitable. Why would he want to leave a night out before everyone else?
Do yourself a favour and don’t ask for or stipulate a return time. Work on your anxiety- do you panic when he’s not with you during the day? It’s more about him going out and staying out late and you don’t like it.
I would not like to have my dh ask me a return time and then start ringing me or getting upset and panicky when I went past it; I would feel like I was being manipulated.
Having said all that, if he’s going out regularly leaving you on your own looking after the kids and you don’t like that, talk about that, be clear about what you think is too much, but try and get past the what time will you be back thing.

How often is he going out?

To be clear, this happens when he goes out entirely on his own too... so he's not 'leaving his mates', he'll be sat in a pub, on his own, blatantly choosing to not spend 10 seconds replying to me when he knows I'm worried.

There was one time when I was pregnant with DC2 and DC1 was still very young, that DH went to see a 6pm movie with his mum, no mention of him staying out afterwards, he just said the movie finished around 9:30 so would be back by 10. He ended up getting home at 3:30am after ignoring me all evening absolutely wasted and was vulgar to me, his mum let me know she went straight home after the film and he was supposedly walking home...

He pulls shit like this whenever he's had more than 3 pints and I just don't think it's fair.

We also do nothing as a couple and he won't think twice about dropping £50-£60 on beer for himself, but never stops to think about spending that on us having some couple time.

That’s odd. Does he have an alcohol problem?

OP, I definitely think you have a right to be pissed off! It does sound like an alcohol problem though? Also, do you ever get to go out?

Maybe structure around him being able to go out for as long as he likes with no pre set time, but on set evenings, rather than adhoc, so at least you can just switch off and he can roll it at anytime.

How's the rest of your relationship? Is it escapism for him? Does he have any particular stresses/worries that you're aware of?

Woah really? "To be clear, this happens when he goes out entirely on his own too"

You have an alcoholic.... try alanon to help you deal with it - he won't change.

I was about to post what I did with DH, He wouldn't give a time just it'll be late - usually between 2 and 3 am (so no lying) but it gave me massive anxiety thinking about him rolling in drunk at 3am , so I told him i'd book him a hotel. That way I didn't have to worry and he could be "ill" in a hotel room not with me. He's never been out since!

Where does he go exactly? Most pubs aren't open at 3 am unless he's going to a club/bar?

I'm sorry op but he sounds awful and I don't really understand why you keep having children with him

What will he be like when baby arrives?

@gonnahavearant DH used to do this when I was pregnant with DD, when she was 6 weeks old I woke up and he was gone, he had pissed of next door to his mates and didn't come back for hours!!

I definitely would not have had another child with him if it had carried on!! People can say what they want about 'why should he have a time' and ' why are you SO controlling'

You have 3 kids with this man, what happens if one of them becomes seriously ill or you go into labour? Could you imagine if it was the other way round!? He probably wouldn't let you go out again!

I wouldn't put up with that for another night, my DH stopped drinking all together and won't even have a shandy now...

He ended up getting home at 3:30am after ignoring me all evening absolutely wasted and was vulgar to me, his mum let me know she went straight home after the film .... We also do nothing as a couple and he won't think twice about dropping £50-£60 on beer for himself, but never stops to think about spending that on us having some couple time.

But yet you choose to get pregnant again to this man

Maybe your real issues with him make you overreact and try to control him on something you think you can.
If there isn’t enough couple time - deal with that directly.
If he goes it too often - discuss that.

But being his mom and controlling when he is coming home when he is already out - it’s not right. It’s way too rigid and disrespectful.

I went out last night. If anyone asked in advance - i’d ave no idea when i’d be home. And if anyone pressed for a guess i’d only be angry. As I am a adult.

Ummm....he's not out alone. Not for that many hours, and coming back later than he says... I'd be very suspicious

Well I had to get him up at gone 10 this morning otherwise he'd have slept the day away and I had shopping to do, and had been up with a toddler and a one year old for hours after only getting 3hrs sleep last night - definitely not ideal when I'm already exhausted from being 10 weeks away from giving birth!

Come back from shopping and tried to get his sober brain to have a decent conversation with me, instead of him making snarky comments and repeating questions like a petulant child...
It all just descended in to an argument, with him telling me he doesn't give a shit that I care about him when he's out, he doesn't care that I'm upset and that in future he'll either 'just not go out at all' or he'll 'not contact me whatsoever when he's out, won't answer messages and will stroll in at whatever time of the morning he feels like'.

After ten or so minutes, I said 'so what happens now then? You want me to apologise for getting upset and pissed off with you?' and he responded with 'whatever. I don't care.'

So it's going to be a fun Sunday over here!

I don't think he wants to be married anymore.Sorry .

Sorry op

Start getting your ducks in a row

He will never change

His behaviour is telling you

• he is actively avoiding you and his responsibilities and or
• he is not in control of his drinking and may be self medicating over his unhappiness and failure as a husband and a father. His drinking will escalate btw.

It is probably both of these things.

Either way stop putting a curfew on him. If he goes out set no expectation for yourself that he will come home. No calls or texts to him. Go to bed and plan the next day around a man with a hangover. Eventually you will see this is untenable. Maybe he will too, but you can’t control that and you never will. He doesn’t put you first anymore or care what you think.

Don’t have any more children with him. Think about how you can manage on your own.

I like to know when dh is due home so I didn’t have to worry!!

My dh was similar. In the end I got to the point of not caring any more. I’d turn my phone on silent and there was a key for him to let himself in if he lost or forgot his keys (which he did do!) Which is not really good is it.

I read through whole thread and it reminds me exactly of my STBXH. He had a massive problem with alcohol (which I fought and fought for him to get help over the past 4/5 years) which got worse. In recent months (since he left in January), I also found out that he had a massive problem with drugs. Years of disappearing, lies, vile behaviour, secret drinking etc. It affected me and the kids terribly.

Get your ducks in a row. I promise you, I don't say that lightly (I did everything I could to try and get my hubby help to get sober etc - it didn't work because he didn't want to).

He will only change his behaviour if HE wants to. Currently, it looks like he doesn't want to.....and the only thing that you can do is figure what you will/won't stand for, tell him that and stick to those boundaries.

I wish you all the best x

He is a cunt and doesn't care about you or your DC.

If I was you, I would just go to bed and leave him to roll in at whichever time he pleases, and give him no sympathy the next morning with regards to his hangover!