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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend accusing me and male friend of a past!!!

93 replies

Sadez · 22/06/2019 20:15

Been with bf for nearly a year he is great, kind and I love him very much. Background his ex didn't have female friends,only male friends and cheated on him with a friend.

I have a very good male friend and we go for lunch occasionally etc been friends for 15 yrs!
yesterday my bf and I went to his for a bbq, lots of friends there and bf gets on with male friend.
All fine, in the car on the way home bf asks how I met male friend. I felt he was fishing for gossip or past info ie like I'd slept with him or something. Ridiculous as nothing has or would ever happen.
Hours later at home all of a sudden, out of nowhere bf asks so anything happen with you and friend? I mean you were both single many times....etc
I felt he was accusing me of something. And felt very much targeted.
He has now done this around 5 times since we've been dating but this was the most direct, almost confronting time he's asked me.
I'm furious as I feel uncomfortable but I don't know why I am so angry?!
Also how would you react? Or what would you say? It's also the fact he's been asking me for a year now about it.
I feel he's accusing me when in actual fact he's got major insecurities from his ex but I'm the focus of his worry when he should sort himself out.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm still furious.

OP posts:

DawgLover · 22/06/2019 20:19

Have you told him the truth i.e. no, nothing happened? If so, he's BU.

Yawninfinitum · 22/06/2019 20:21

None of his business either way
This is red flag time for me.

A possessive and jealous streak and immaturity.

Original poster

Sadez · 22/06/2019 20:21

I've been so clear until I'm blue in the face

OP posts:

gamerchick · 22/06/2019 20:24

Stop being clear till you're blue in the face for a start.

Tell him you refuse to be punished because of his past and the doors over there if he's going to continue.

Original poster

Sadez · 22/06/2019 20:33

Thank you for your opinions. I'm shocked he's still obsessed with it!
He's says he needs to know the past so he can build a future with me
...wtf?!
I've never once thought of asking him about his past with female friends because that's not my business but also has no bearing on my future

We've had a row and he's insistent I'm in the wrong..... For what?! I don't know.

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 22/06/2019 20:36

How would I react? Well as a survivor of a relationship with a psychopath, I would leave. I would have left the first time

No behaviour on this planet is worth my precious time justifying. Blue in the face? Red in the flag. And even more red.

PLEASE see. Leave.

I only got him convicted out of other people's photos. Don't be me. Leave now.

And don't believe what you are saying about how you'll recognise abuse if only they would hit you. The ex hit me every day by the end. I still thought I was a strong woman in love with a deeply damaged man - that I could fix. LIES LIES LIES

ChristmasFluff · 22/06/2019 20:37

He is using this as an easy way to control you. the ways and the means will change. His controlling tactics won't.

sunnysideup7 · 22/06/2019 20:39

He obviously has some insecurities in himself to be asking this. Maybe he had seen something in your friend when they were getting along that he thought you would be attracted to etc.

That and the fact that it happened to him before in his last relationship I think anyone would have that in the back of their mind. Sit him down and have a final conversation about it and say you won’t keep on explaining yourself anymore nothing has ever happened he is a friend nothing more and this is the last time I will talk about it if you bring it up next time it will be ignored as this is your issue not mine.

ChristmasFluff · 22/06/2019 20:45

Or maybe, @sunnysideup7, he's projecting, because he's cheating?

That's the problem in judging motivation versus behaviour. Not fair to use any situation as a reason to control another person. OP is being controlled. The partner keeps on bringing shit up.

If OP is cheating, her partner needs to leave. If OP is cheating, they need to own up.

But if OP is constantly justifiying herself until she is blue in the face? Fuck that right off. Life's too short for that shit.

Original poster

Sadez · 22/06/2019 20:47

sunnysideup7 this is absolutely right. I cannot continue if he's insistent on doing this to me.
I have tried many times to tell him it's his insecurities but he won't listen.
I'm angry but also hurt.
He's messaged me saying he has the right to ask me about my past...the funny /sad thing is there is nothing to tell.
I'm not sure why he's threatened by my friend!
The other thing is I'm so loyal, I'm in my mid thirties have lots of friends and get on with men and women and it wouldn't even occur for me to flirt or get attention from men esp friends who are like a brother to me
My male friend is also genuinely really happy for me and bf. It makes no sense

OP posts:

Original poster

Sadez · 22/06/2019 20:49

ChristmasFluff yes it's tricky with one view given
My bf is definitely very loyal, he's in his mid forties and all sorted and not cheating. I think it's deep rooted from his ex cheating. What is frustrating and upsetting is rather than him acknowledging this he's putting me under the spotlight.
How do I get him to realise it's him?!

OP posts:

Yawninfinitum · 22/06/2019 20:54

But he doesn’t have a right to ask about your past.

He may choose to and you have kindly agreed to listen to the request and told him the information. That you didn’t have a sexual relationship with the friend.

But that isn’t what he wants to hear so he will go on and on and on and on and you won’t be right until you tell him what he wants to hear and then he can hate you for it.

Exhausting.

Surely you can see how wrong and damaging his behaviour is?

It isn’t a huge leap to imagine what this would look like in a year, five, ten.....a lifetime.

You will get ground down about things you haven’t done. Shouted at for things you didn’t say. Hated for who you aren’t.

Please dont set yourself up for this OP.

magoria · 22/06/2019 21:25

He has absolutely NO RIGHT to ask you anything about your past.

You have only been together a year, he has asked you 5 times getting more confrontational. That is less than every 3 months or 12 weeks.

I would bluntly tell him.

You have never had a relationship with your friend. Your past is none of his business unless you decide to share with him and he has zero rights to question you on it.

How can you stay with a man who clearly doesn't believe you?

Lockcodger · 22/06/2019 21:36

I completely agree with Christmassfluff, he is entitled (he says he has a 'right' to know your past-no one has a right over anyone else), controlling (constantly accusing you of cheating- this is projection and hes probably doing it himself).

Typical abusive behaviour and the victim playing saying hes so hurt from being cheated on in his past and using that to justify his behaviour. Please dont fall for it. Normal people dont do this to their partner OP!

It doesnt feel like abuse when you are in love with the person but this behaviour is covered under the new coercive control law, that's how abusive it is.

You need to run from this relationshit! It will never get better, only worse

Original poster

Sadez · 22/06/2019 21:36

We've just had another argument. He decided to tell me that 'because of my past relationships'...and then i told him to fuck off so don't know what gem he was going to tell me.... I've had a few crappy relationships and opened up and told him about but now it's some how been twisted.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sadez · 22/06/2019 21:37

my being 'your relationships' ie mine not his

OP posts:

Joy69 · 22/06/2019 21:40

I doubt he'll stop asking you about you & your friend. It'll eat him & you up & ruin the relationship.
I was in a similar situation although I told my ex everything about past relationships. He dragged it up numerous times, even though the relationship in question was 4 years before we met & even had a go about a one night stand that I'd had at 19 (I'm 50 now!) Apparently it made him feel sick! He couldn't get past it & our relationship finished. I was upset & felt dirty until I saw him on a dating site & realised that actually I was actually the ok one in the relationship. He had the issues.I now realise that I've had a lucky escape .

AnneKipanki · 22/06/2019 21:42

Time to make another ex.

Epona1 · 22/06/2019 21:44

Finish it. If it’s not this male friend it will be another and another that you’re questioned over.

AnneKipanki · 22/06/2019 21:44

Tell him you are heading to your male friend's house for a quick one .

happybunny007 · 22/06/2019 21:44

Nope, this isn’t going to magically resolve itself is it?

Lockcodger · 22/06/2019 21:53

He sounds like a narcissist OP. They draw information out of you in the beginning of the relationship. You pour your heart out and they pretend to do the same to create a false sense of intimacy. All they are really doing is gathering information about you to twist and use against you later on the relationship

Does any of this sound familiar?

Because you have been in previously bad (?abusive) relationships, they know you are a perfect victim for future abuse because your boundaries have been eroded.

My narc ex constantly accused me of cheating. Turns out it was him cheating and he was highly abusive. They see women as either madonnas or whores, theres nothing in between. They also cannot understand how men and women have mutually satisfying platonic relationships because they cannot have these themselves (as they only see other people as objects to use I.e. he thinks your friend must want to have sex with you)

A years worth of accusations like this is coercive control. He is abusive, he doesnt care about you, theres no point trying to convince him of anything because he will ALWAYS twist what you say. He knows you're not cheating, he just enjoys making you crazy to distract you from what HE is doing.

Men like this only ever get worse. Your only option for a happy future is to leave this man, run and never look back

MrsTeaspoon · 22/06/2019 22:00

He insinuates you are lying, that you’ve had sex with your friend when you’ve said you’ve not. How dare he? Also, your past is not anything to do with him. I could not be with somebody like this - we’ve all had crap happen to us, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen with new partners just because it happened with old. He is choosing not to trust you. Yuck.

TeaForTheWin · 22/06/2019 22:04

Feels more like controlling if you ask me rather than is past making him insecure. Because if it was the later you still wouldn't have to tell him until you were blue in the face. I think if he has confronted you or implied something happened between you and your friends FIVE times and still keeps asking then he isn't ever going to stop and he's only going to get more and more paranoid. I'd be done by now with him tbh, it's too much.

Original poster

Sadez · 22/06/2019 22:04

AnneKipanki

I have left the house because I don't want to raise my voice or get more angry
😡
I just feel like shit
Angry shit at that
He doesn't get it even though I've said I'm upset, angry, my guard has gone up AND I've left the house but he still doesn't get HIS action and HIS problems are destroying our relationship.
Also my past shitty relationships don't need to be brought up. Wtf?!

OP posts:

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