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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend accusing me and male friend of a past!!!

93 replies

Sadez · 22/06/2019 20:15

Been with bf for nearly a year he is great, kind and I love him very much. Background his ex didn't have female friends,only male friends and cheated on him with a friend.

I have a very good male friend and we go for lunch occasionally etc been friends for 15 yrs!
yesterday my bf and I went to his for a bbq, lots of friends there and bf gets on with male friend.
All fine, in the car on the way home bf asks how I met male friend. I felt he was fishing for gossip or past info ie like I'd slept with him or something. Ridiculous as nothing has or would ever happen.
Hours later at home all of a sudden, out of nowhere bf asks so anything happen with you and friend? I mean you were both single many times....etc
I felt he was accusing me of something. And felt very much targeted.
He has now done this around 5 times since we've been dating but this was the most direct, almost confronting time he's asked me.
I'm furious as I feel uncomfortable but I don't know why I am so angry?!
Also how would you react? Or what would you say? It's also the fact he's been asking me for a year now about it.
I feel he's accusing me when in actual fact he's got major insecurities from his ex but I'm the focus of his worry when he should sort himself out.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm still furious.

OP posts:
Lockcodger · 22/06/2019 23:49

I agree twatty. I doubt his ex cheated on him. Most abusive men claim the victim and say their ex cheated as they know this will make you feel sorry for them and justify their accusations towards you because they have been 'hurt in the past'

OP this situation will get much much worse if you stay. Men like this often move onto physical violence. You are in danger, he is committing a crime and you need to escape.

Please dont be sucked in by his mind fuckery. You are likely vulnerable to abuse because of your past so may not be able to recognise it but this is how all relationships go. You never think it's happening to you but it's so obvious to those of us on the outside of this situation.

I have been where you are and every time I stayed, I lived to regret it bitterly.

This man does not love you, he is incapable of changing and it will only get worse if you stay.

Original poster
Sadez · 23/06/2019 00:01

It doesn't look good. I'm shocked as I came home and he's carried on at me. He then says he doesn't want to upset me, hurt me.....whilst crying. He wants examples of when he has been fishing or asking provocative questions.....so many but when I give examples he acts like it never happened or he said it.
For example I once said I liked his aftershave and his response... Did your ex wear it? What the....?! But it sounds so trite and silly repeating it as an 'issue'

Caucho I'm not sure when I've been cagey....put out yes.
Like the other posts have said whatever I say it doesn't help.

OP posts:
MitziK · 23/06/2019 00:11

He's trying to get you to beg his forgiveness and promise to never see your friend again. It's the start of isolating you from others.

C0untDucku1a · 23/06/2019 00:13

You dont need to list reasons why he is a dick to justify ending it. Just end it.

AnneKipanki · 23/06/2019 00:15

Hope you are ok .

Original poster
Sadez · 23/06/2019 00:39

I'm just shell shocked...even though the red flags were there.
Well i've stopped crying (didn't think I'd cry but he went on and on).
He isn't budging. Says he has no issue and just asked a silly question and wasn't thinking.
This I just don't believe. He's not someone who says inappropriate things without realising he's also definitely not on the spectrum etc to make a comment/ask a question which is innocent enough.
He's telling me all he wants is for me to be happy.

OP posts:
Lockcodger · 23/06/2019 00:58

Its very common for abusive men to outright deny something you know is true. Even if they admit to doing something, they will justify it by saying you provoked them into it. It's all gaslighting and you can never win OP. They never take responsibility and this relationship is all about power and control. He does not love you, he only loves what he can get from you.

Saying about exes wearing perfume, this is word for word what my narcissistic ex used to say to me. When I broke up with him for cheating on me relentlessly (after months of him accusing me of cheating and telling me not to talk to one of my male friends anymore), he proceeded to harrass me and my employer and tried to get me fired from my job. I am still going through the court process 8 months on. These men will destroy your life if you let them!

Please read why does he do that by Lundy bancroft and also educate yourself on narcissistic abuse. You may find the freedom programme helpful also.

This will not end well if you stay

blaaake · 23/06/2019 03:13

Jesus Christ you need to leave this man. It will get worse.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 23/06/2019 07:07

Did you move in with him? Pack your stuff and leave TODAY. There is no future. You won't be a burden to friends. I'd have a friend here instantly in same situation.

YouJustDoYou · 23/06/2019 07:13

Red flag red flag red flag. This won't ever stop. He will never be satisfied with my answer you give. If it's not over this male friend of yours, it'll be someone else. And it'll never stop. You have absolutely no responsibility to him to tell him of your past - it has nothing to do with him, and him punishing you for it over and over is utterly unacceptable.

YouJustDoYou · 23/06/2019 07:13

*any answer

SimonJT · 23/06/2019 07:15

Even if you have been seeing your friend until the day you met your partner it shouldn’t make the slightest but of difference in a normal healthy relationship.

My ex couldn’t cope with the fact that I was friends with the person I dated before him, no matter what I did he was convinced I would cheat. I would never be dishonest and do that in a relationship. Rather unsurprisingly he was the one doing the cheating, knobheads often create a problem and project the blame on to someone else.

ShatnersWig · 23/06/2019 08:52

My ex was like this over my female friends, all of whom I'd known for years before I ever met my ex. Note the use of the word ex. I should have quit when I saw the signs you're seeing now, not years later.

AnneKipanki · 23/06/2019 09:53

How are you today @Sadez ?

Loopytiles · 23/06/2019 09:58

The red flags were there from the start.

Doubt a decent relationship is possible with someone with such entrenched attitudes and behaviours (at best). Suggest leaving and doing the Freedom Programme before dating again.

SavingSpaces2019 · 23/06/2019 15:17

i had an ex like this.
there was only one guy out of the group i'd slept with (went out for about 6 months). he had a gf too but my bf was still suspicious - of him allegedly.....

the last straw was when we went out to my local one night to watch a band - he said "if you see anyone you slept with just tap my foot so i know" ......the music was too loud for him to ask me you see Hmm

you've been with him a year and he still like this.
this goes deeper than just his ex cheating on him.
i think he's going to be like this over any male friend/acquaintance you have any proper contact with

ElizThompson · 23/06/2019 16:38

This reply has been deleted

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Apileofballyhoo · 23/06/2019 17:04

Hope you've packed up his stuff or your own, OP. This is not what you want for the rest of your life. Don't listen to him no matter what excuses he comes up with.

Apileofballyhoo · 23/06/2019 17:05

And your friends will not think you're a burden. They'll be horrified you've been putting up with this shit and glad you've stopped.

TowelNumber42 · 23/06/2019 17:15

I am guessing that today his control tactic was to open up to you about his past suffering at the hands of abusive/cold parents or exes or similar. He's a poor broken little sparrow and you must tend to his wounds and forgive his actions born of his great suffering and shut the fuck up about yesterday because that didn't fucking happen how you remember it you crazy bitch

Apileofballyhoo · 23/06/2019 18:16

I bet he's been saying how much he loves you and can't live without you OP.

Original poster
Sadez · 24/06/2019 09:24

Thank you for all the advice. He's not genuinely sorry and sticking to his guns telling me he has the right to ask and he was just asking out of curiosity and nothing me.
All trust has been destroyed.

OP posts:
titchy · 24/06/2019 09:30

He's gaslighting you. And making himself the victim. Classic DARVO. Move out today. You're worth so much more.

Original poster
Sadez · 24/06/2019 09:43

titchy.... Sorry for being dumb but what does gaslighting mean?
He's saying he trusts me 100% but I don't trust him anymore. He'll just continue. He was overly concerned from day one about pics of me and my ex on dreaded Facebook.... Some pics of an ex and I in 2006!
Also he asked me to remove all pics of me and my ex on Facebook
Btw this ex and I ended on bad terms after he cheated so there was no love loss there.
He's made a couple of comments like...'oh so when we do X will you then remove those Facebook pictures of you and your ex'
To me this is weird.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 24/06/2019 09:48

IT Is not wierd. The word youre looking for is controlling.

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