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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend accusing me and male friend of a past!!!

93 replies

Sadez · 22/06/2019 20:15

Been with bf for nearly a year he is great, kind and I love him very much. Background his ex didn't have female friends,only male friends and cheated on him with a friend.

I have a very good male friend and we go for lunch occasionally etc been friends for 15 yrs!
yesterday my bf and I went to his for a bbq, lots of friends there and bf gets on with male friend.
All fine, in the car on the way home bf asks how I met male friend. I felt he was fishing for gossip or past info ie like I'd slept with him or something. Ridiculous as nothing has or would ever happen.
Hours later at home all of a sudden, out of nowhere bf asks so anything happen with you and friend? I mean you were both single many times....etc
I felt he was accusing me of something. And felt very much targeted.
He has now done this around 5 times since we've been dating but this was the most direct, almost confronting time he's asked me.
I'm furious as I feel uncomfortable but I don't know why I am so angry?!
Also how would you react? Or what would you say? It's also the fact he's been asking me for a year now about it.
I feel he's accusing me when in actual fact he's got major insecurities from his ex but I'm the focus of his worry when he should sort himself out.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm still furious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadez · 22/06/2019 22:05

Sorry for the rant
I feel like my relationship is falling apart and I'm feel helpless. If he can't see his issues there is no hope and it's not going to get better

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 22/06/2019 22:07

I think he does get it, he gets that he's making you feel shit by: bringing up your past shitty relationships, continually implying you have something with your friend and continually not believing you when you say otherwise. He gets it. He expects you to fix his broken sense of self (you can't).

Mum2jenny · 22/06/2019 22:11

Sadez Flowers it’s not you, he’s a twat.

AnneKipanki · 22/06/2019 22:19

@Sadez you rant away all you need to !

Lockcodger · 22/06/2019 22:29

Abusive men cannot 'see their issues' because they dont want to. It's not your job to fix him or his past issues

Many women stay in abusive relationships because of this trap. Dont be one of them.

I know breaking up is painful and it's easier to try and work on it rather than start all over again with someone new but I promise if you give yourself some distance from this man, you will see the problem lies with him and not you.
.Dont waste another year of your life on this man, he will only get worse and you will be forced to leave later down the line when you are even more deeply entrenched with kids etc

Life is too short to waste on this shitbag!!

Original poster
Sadez · 22/06/2019 22:29

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've gone to sit in the 24 hr services! Classy right.
He's now saying he doesn't know how it got to this. I'm angry but also suddenly tearful
He messaged saying he wanted to be friends with my male friend and disappointed this has happened.
Talk about twisting stuff

OP posts:
happybunny007 · 22/06/2019 22:31

he wanted to be friends with my male friend and disappointed this has happened

Confused

What is he on?

flyingplum · 22/06/2019 22:35

My DP has a lot of female friends. I’ve often wondered if something had ever happened, but have never asked. You know why? Cos I trust him that if it happened, it’s in the past. I don’t care what happened 20 years ago...

AnneKipanki · 22/06/2019 22:36

But @Sadez you have the Mumsnet crew !

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 22/06/2019 22:40

Anywhere you can go stay tonight? I'm assuming you live together?

Lockcodger · 22/06/2019 22:41

Hes a total headfuck OP. He started this huge row and is now backing down and trying to make himself look reasonable. He is gaslighting you and you are well and truly right in the middle of the devalue/discard abuse cycle (idealise, devalue, discard). Now you have left the house, he will backtrack and try to convince you you were overreacting (gaslighting) and then all will be good and you will be back in the idealise phase.

Is there anywhere you can stay tonight to get some distance? Or could you contact womens aid or even the police to get him arrested for coercive control so you can go back home and he will be asked to leave? The problem is that it is very difficult to prove and the police are not always well trained on this type of abuse.

This is abuse though and you are in danger if you stay with this man.

AnneKipanki · 22/06/2019 22:43

Do you live together?

Apileofballyhoo · 22/06/2019 22:45

now it's some how been twisted

Don't go back. He'll twist everything in your life. Have you somewhere to go now? Do you live together? Is he at your place or were you at his? Please don't go back.

AnneKipanki · 22/06/2019 22:46

This will never go away ( with him ) unless he gets help.
Are you ok @Sadez ?

RonnieScotts · 22/06/2019 23:02

If you're sitting in the 24 hour services on a Saturday night just to escape a toxic environment and being accused of relationships you didn't have and lying about the past then something is dreadfully wrong.

Original poster
Sadez · 22/06/2019 23:07

Thank you for all the support and advice. We live together. I have lots of friends locally but don't want to burden them.
Yes he's definitely making me feel like all he did was ask a reasonable question and it's valid because he wants to be my friends friend!
Wtf!
I know this is totally wrong and don't feel like I've been unreasonable.
I'm exhausted by it.
Ever since we started dating he's made comments or fished about my past and exs and made me feel like dirty or something for having past boyfriends but it's so subtle it's hard to find it unreasonable though it feels wrong.
He's also quick to make me feel like an idiot for dating a few questionable exs..
.ok my choices haven't always been great! But like he's the saviour and how lucky I'm now we're together.
He's had a couple of relationships that have broken down but it never feels like he messed up or made questionable choices whereas I'm always viewed like an idiot.
I'm not insecure and I give him no reason to feel insecure with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadez · 22/06/2019 23:08

RonnieScotts yes completely Sad

OP posts:
Caucho · 22/06/2019 23:14

Nobody has a right to know anything about your past? Seriously? I’ve seen a few posts where people saying they found out that there husband shagged a prostitute 10 years before they met and feel differently after the news and most people are sympathetic rather than say none of your business get over it. I don’t know the relationship the poster had with her friend as she is pretty cagey which to me would make uncomfortable. I’d rather the person say nothing’s ever happened, or yes we fucked but that was a long time ago. If they said I’m not telling you and is none of your business I’d be put out.

MitziK · 22/06/2019 23:20

It's never going to get better.

He has decided that you have had sex with your friend and are lying about it constantly. Every denial is proof you are lying to him. Getting upset or angry is proof that you are lying to him.

The fact that your friend is your friend is proof to him that you are lying - just by being friends/liking each other is proof to him that you are lying. Even if you friend swore on a Bible, his Mum's life or at gunpoint that you have never had sex with him, he will interpret it as your friend trying to protect you because you're lying.

Get out now. You can't have this being dragged up and thrown at you every day, week, month or year for the rest of your life (or he decides to cheat because, well, you've lied to him about not fucking your friend, so that makes it only fair).

He's an abusive prick and you're far better off without that sort of person poisoning your life.

ncdforthistoday · 22/06/2019 23:23

Having been in a relationship with someone who grilled me about my past and made a huge fuss about nothing (he had far more of a past than me but chose to try and make me suffer for mine), seriously run a mile!!

I found myself having to apologise for having had previous relationships and the guy had been going on no strings sex websites - he was an absolute hypocrite and a controlling bully

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2019 23:26

Take the blunders off, op. You have seen the real man behind the mask and he's a jealous, insecure, abusive prick. Don't be stupid enough to think this will get better. Run for the hills.

Cherryberrypie · 22/06/2019 23:29

**Ever since we started dating he's made comments or fished about my past and exs and made me feel like dirty or something for having past

He makes you feel dirty !!!!! LTB

He is not a nice man

twattymctwatterson · 22/06/2019 23:34

When did you move in together op? I'd question whether his ex even cheated on him tbh. It sounds very much like an abusive man who is ramping up the abuse to try to get you in line now you live together. You don't have a future with this man

HollowTalk · 22/06/2019 23:38

Mid 40s? He won't change.

Lockcodger · 22/06/2019 23:42

Caucho how is the OP being 'cagey' about her previous relationship with the friend. She has repeatedly confirmed to her 'DP' that she hasnt had sex with him and he consistently refuses to believe that which is abusive because it is a way to control her.

Not just that but he is using her past relationships to make her feel like she has done something wrong or dirty but portrays himself as an innocent victim. Again goes back to the madonna/whore view of women that many abusive men have.

This is CLASSIC misogynistic, abusive behaviour.

Finding out your partner has slept with a prostitute upsets most healthy women because it confirms that their DP is also a misogynist who thinks nothing of taking advantage of most likely a very vulnerable woman. I wouldnt knowingly chose to be in a relationship with someone who could do that as it speaks alot about how they view women and other human beings (lack of empathy)

That's quite different to finding out your ex had slept with a friend, which is none of your current partners business should you wish not to disclose this and should have no bearing on your current relationship as it's in the past. Women are capable of being friends with an ex and not having sex with them.

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