Boyfriend accusing me and male friend of a past!!!

[Sadez]

Been with bf for nearly a year he is great, kind and I love him very much. Background his ex didn't have female friends,only male friends and cheated on him with a friend.

I have a very good male friend and we go for lunch occasionally etc been friends for 15 yrs!
yesterday my bf and I went to his for a bbq, lots of friends there and bf gets on with male friend.
All fine, in the car on the way home bf asks how I met male friend. I felt he was fishing for gossip or past info ie like I'd slept with him or something. Ridiculous as nothing has or would ever happen.
Hours later at home all of a sudden, out of nowhere bf asks so anything happen with you and friend? I mean you were both single many times....etc
I felt he was accusing me of something. And felt very much targeted.
He has now done this around 5 times since we've been dating but this was the most direct, almost confronting time he's asked me.
I'm furious as I feel uncomfortable but I don't know why I am so angry?!
Also how would you react? Or what would you say? It's also the fact he's been asking me for a year now about it.
I feel he's accusing me when in actual fact he's got major insecurities from his ex but I'm the focus of his worry when he should sort himself out.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm still furious.

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This is not healthy at all. He has no reason not to trust you but he's playing his jealous victim card to control you. Poor him with his evil ex . It's controlling and abusive.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulationin which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief.

He obviously doesnt trust you because of the constant accusations and asking you to remove contact with exes. He is already trying to isolate you by asking you to stop contact with people. This will move on from exes, to male friends, then people from work, your family etc. This is so he can stop you from having any outside influence or support so he can abuse you further. He is also projecting on to you because HE is cheating. I can almost guarantee it, even if you dont think he is, trust me he is. He is a textbook narcissistic abuser.

There is no point trying to work out his motives. The ONLY motive he has is to exert power and control over you and he will use a range of emotionally abusive tactics to do this. Men like this make no sense, you cannot win, you cannot change them, you cannot get them to see reason. He doesnt want to and even if you resolve this 'issue', there will be another one in a few weeks. Its futile.

You need to escape this relationship, he is highly abusive and you should be trying to figure out why you think his behaviour in this relationship is acceptable rather than trying to figure out his motives.

What does it matter if it did

sounds like a jealous insecure man... Never a good option

This is only going to get much, much worse. You're only a year in, and dealing with this shit already.
Really not healthy, it will get more toxic from here on in if you stay 😢

I've lost all trust for him ie he'll do this again to me.
I'm not he's cheating, not sure where he'd find the time and I use his phone/laptop
Never snooped, why would I.

I used to think the same Sadez, that my ex wasnt cheating. We spent every day together and he left his phone around to see. These guys are clever and master manipulators and I guarantee they are nearly all universally unfaithful. They know how to hide it.

I never checked my exes phone but the one time I did, I found everything hidden on facebook and Instagram (he'd limited my access even though we were FB friends). Turns out he was prolifically cheating, using his visitations with his kids to cheat, when he would start arguments over nothing and storm out he was cheating, he was on many dating sites and sending hundreds of lewd messages to women. I too would have sworn he wasnt cheating buy he was exactly the same, accusing me of being unfaithful and asking me to stop being friends with exes and male friends.

I know he is cheating on you because he is projecting onto you when he says that you are. He is a misogynist and will only ever see your value in the things you do for him (sex, money, compliments, whatever). He is incapable of loving you in the true sense because he lacks empathy and merely sees you as a possession. Ignore what he says and look at how he treats you.

To be honest, its irrelevant because hes an abusive arsehole and you shouldn't be looking for more reasons to leave. He has done enough to show you who is and if you dont leave now, things will get much much harder. I guarantee guys like this will ramp up the abuse over time, become sexually and physically abusive too. I bet hes already throwing things/slamming doors/pacing and making you feel on edge when you argue isn't he?

He will probably harrass and stalk you when you leave too so please get in touch with womens aid and get your ducks in a row. The most dangerous time in any abusive relationship is when you try to leave. Do NOT underestimate what he is capable of.

Hello Sadez

This is sad How do I get him to realise it's him?!

I'm not sure that you can. He is so convinced that you have more to tell but lying to him that he will be relentless and never stop questioning you.

He messaged saying he wanted to be friends with my male friend and disappointed this has happened.
And
He wants examples of when he has been fishing or asking provocative questions.....so many but when I give examples he acts like it never happened or he said it.
He is gaslighting you. Trying to destabilise you emotionally - and he is beginning to succeed.

This man is damaged and emotionally controlling. He has no interest - even were he able - to change for the better.

You should seriously consider whether you can put up with this escalating emotional violence for the rest of your life, or whether you would be better without him. My guess is the latter - before he crushes your self esteem and belief in yourself, your life and choices.

I hope you decide to get away from him, and soon. Go and stay with friends or relatives if at all possible and sort out the house whilst not living in the same space as him. Make sure you take any important papers (passport, financial documents, birth certificate etc) with you when you leave, to ensure they are safe and avoid any tampering he may do.

Good luck to you - you deserve more than this. 🌹

This won't end well. Try to end it right now before he destroys you.

Sorry but this is awful. My DP has a couple of good friends who happen to be women. I get on with both of them and if anything has ever happened between them (which I doubt) then i trust that it is firmly in the past. I wouldn't dream of asking him as it is none of my bloody business who he slept with before we were together!!!!
Same the other way. I have male friends, a couple of whom I have slept with in the past, but there is 100% nothing there and it has no bearing on our relationship. We aren't 14!

Whatever ‘this’ is it’s not something you want in your life. Can you imagine spending the next 20 years going round in circles like this? He will never be satisfied. If I were you I would save myself years of anxiety and second guessing myself, and just end it. I doubt his last girlfriend did cheat on him. I bet he’ll tell his next that you did.

Yes, if you stay with him he WILL do this again, and again, because he is controlling.

So don’t stay.

He's messaged me saying he has the right to ask me about my past..

leave this guy in your rear view mirror OP.

He didn't only ask you a silly question he fucking asked you the same identical question five damn times!!!! Get the hell out of there and watch your back and keep your head on a swivel-your break up will be ugly but you have to end it

How easy is for you to move out?

Please get rid of this man, OP. He won't change. Don't live with this shit for the rest of your life.

When did you move in together op? I'd question whether his ex even cheated on him tbh. It sounds very much like an abusive man who is ramping up the abuse to try to get you in line now you live together. You don't have a future with this man

I also wondered if his ex had actually cheated. This man worries me, OP, and you need to get away.

You've only been with him for a year, and the abuse is this bad already. It's going to get worse.

Have you chucked him yet, OP?

He's no keeper, no loss. What are you waiting for if not?

I hadn’t read she had said nothing has happened but plenty of others are saying it’s none of his business. Technically not if anything happened before they met but I would feel uncomfortable if someone was unwilling to disclose it. Not because they did. At the end of the day people don’t have to say anything but equally the other has a right to walk away. Not stay and be angry and harangue them though