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Original poster

Should I be concerned about my sister's boyfriend and my niece?

89 replies

feelingcrappy2019 · 22/06/2019 16:52

Okay guys, I feel I may get it in the neck after writing this, but here goes.

My sister is in a new relationship with a guy who works at a local school. He was my niece's teacher last year, which is how my sister and him met. My sister has a daughter (9) and a son (7).

Now here's the thing. She came to me a few days ago about a concern she had about the closeness her boyfriend has with her daughter. Of course, he was her teacher last year, but she has noticed a very, VERY close bond. She invited me to come along to a family do today and asked me for my opinion.

I noticed that he paid particular attention to my niece. Teasing her, messing about with her (not physical). I noticed that when he was talking to someone and my niece then started talking to him, he would divert his attention to her, regardless of what he was doing. My niece loves him - talks about him all the time, wants to play with him etc.

I am torn. I get the feeling he wants to get on with his step children, but on the other hand, I can see why my sister is worried. What if things develop between him and my niece as she gets older?

My sister doesn't know how to approach this and, tbh, neither do I.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
StVincent · 22/06/2019 17:00

Did your sister say why she is concerned? Does he treat your niece very differently to your nephew? IMO he should be about as close with both children.

There’s nothing wrong per se with being friendly with her - obviously a but it strikes me that sister sees them together a lot and so if she feels there’s something not right, there may well be.

crustycrab · 22/06/2019 17:02

It's a new relationship, they aren't his stepchildren. I'd go with my instincts personally and get rid. If I felt creeped out by a boyfriend he wouldn't be a boyfriend anymore.

LillithsFamiliar · 22/06/2019 17:05

They're not his stepchildren. It's a new relationship. They're his gf's DCs.
I wouldn't be concerned at anything you have written but your DSIS is and for that reason she should end the relationship. How could she possibly continue it when she's talking to you about concerns about their closeness?

SandyY2K · 22/06/2019 17:06

It's really hard to say...he might just like her as a kid.

How did he interact with your nephew?

This could cause feelings of jealousy and that he's not good enough.

Do the kids have their father in their lives? As this can make a difference to how the DMs partner behaves?

ThrowThoseCurtainsWide · 22/06/2019 17:06

I'm concerned that he is in a relationship with your sister whilst only knowing her as a parent of a child in his class. That would set alarm bells ringing for me

Or it could be totally innocent, was he anxious meeting family members and felt more comfortable talking to your niece?

CarolDanvers · 22/06/2019 17:07

What if things develop between him and my niece as she gets older?

Things can't "develop between him and your niece" because she is a child. So nothing can happen between them. He could possibly start to abuse her. Is this your concern?

OldAndWornOut · 22/06/2019 17:10

I wouldn't feel very comfortable with it at all, which may say more about me, I suppose.
But then I wouldn't be having a newish boyfriend around my children so close, so soon.

Amibeingdaft81 · 22/06/2019 17:12

WTAF

I can’t get my head around this

mainly how utterly and completely stupid and inept your sister is

Amibeingdaft81 · 22/06/2019 17:12

If I had so much of a whiff of a concern - the relationship would be over in a nano second

AnyFucker · 22/06/2019 17:13

I don't understand why your sister is literally standing by and watching this if she has fears he is inappropriate with her dd

And "things develop". ? That's a strange way to describe sexual abuse of a minor

That is what you are talking about, yes ?

Original poster
feelingcrappy2019 · 22/06/2019 17:13

Thanks guys.

My sister's new b/f tries to show attention to my nephew, but he isn't really interested as much as my niece. My niece is constantly in his face.

Their dad is still in the picture and they see him regularly. My sister is new to the whole dating-with-children thing, so she doesn't know what to expect. I guess she and I are both quite anxious about our kids' wellbeing.

This guy has kids of his own from a past relationship, too. He is really into my sister and appears to love her a lot (they have known each other for years). She wouldn't want to break up with him unless there is some sort of evidence. The next guy that comes along will probably be close to the kids eventually too?

I don't know, it's so hard to advise.

OP posts:
Amibeingdaft81 · 22/06/2019 17:16

No!! It is not hard to advise

On no level can I relate to having even the slightest concern about my partner and my daughter and not immediately acting on that concern ie get the fuck out of my life

ICanWearMyBoobsUpOrDown · 22/06/2019 17:17

He may feel closer to the daughter because he was her teacher for a year.

However if a new boyfriend is creeping her out with her kids she should 100% get rid of him, and not consult family members to watch him so everyone can have an input.

If the trust isn't there around her kids then it should be over. Anything less than that is plain stupidity and neglectful.

Amibeingdaft81 · 22/06/2019 17:18

Every day that your hopeless sister navel gazes is another day when he could harm her daughter

Honestly my mind boggles

Original poster
feelingcrappy2019 · 22/06/2019 17:19

@OldAndWornOut He knew the kids before he even met my sister, so he's not being introduced to them as such. He has known the kids for years.

@AnyFucker What I meant was that things could develop when she is much, much older. But then how would you know if they are just father/daughter close or something else?

What if this is totally innocent and my sister gets rid of him and dates someone who dislikes her children?

OP posts:
ICanWearMyBoobsUpOrDown · 22/06/2019 17:19

She wouldn't want to break up with him unless there is some sort of evidence.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Evidence would mean her dd has been abused.

Actually disgusted by that.

justforthisnow · 22/06/2019 17:20

What "next guy that comes along"? Is she planning on a series of boyfriends to introduce to her children?

Hullabalooo · 22/06/2019 17:21

Sounds like grooming to me. Has he actually targeted your sister because he wants to abuse your niece. Get him gone. He sounds creepily dangerous.

HepzibahGreen · 22/06/2019 17:22

We have instincts for a reason.
And .."things develop as she gets oder"??
Do you mean he could groom her until it becomes sexual abuse? Or is your sister more bothered about a perceived love rival? Envy(not envy)

Original poster
feelingcrappy2019 · 22/06/2019 17:23

I think I am being misunderstood.

My question is this - how do you determine whether he is simply trying to be a great step father or an abuser? My sister and I are always untrusting of most people.

Those who are single with children, how do you gauge whether a new partner is a good step father or an abuser? That's what I am trying to ascertain.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingcrappy2019 · 22/06/2019 17:25

@Hullabalooo that's exactly what I am worried about. She would get rid of him in a flash, let's be honest. But how do you know whether you are being ridiculously untrusting of a bloke with your kids?

In all honesty, I wouldn't trust ANY new guy with my kids. But that's because of the way I am .

OP posts:
Pinkmouse6 · 22/06/2019 17:26

He’s a teacher so he’s had an enhanced DBS check, he also has children of his own. I’m not saying that means he’s definitely not a paedophile and if your sister has doubts, she should probably trust her instincts. I just think the chances are unlikely, maybe he just gets along with your niece because he was her teacher for a year? Seems far more likely to me...

Amibeingdaft81 · 22/06/2019 17:27

Op really I am wondering about you

There’s no neat formula.

Short of actually seeing something, it is all about instinct

PicsInRed · 22/06/2019 17:28

You cant determine it, until it's too late, which is when the Courts determine it.

Animal maternal instinct is there for a reason - to protect young from predators. Tell your sister to get on with protecting her young.

Jellybabies1234 · 22/06/2019 17:28

Google Cinderella syndrome.

Kids are many times more likely to come to harm at the hands of their mother’s BF than their father. I wouldn’t take the risk, personally.