Should I be concerned about my sister's boyfriend and my niece?

[feelingcrappy2019]

Okay guys, I feel I may get it in the neck after writing this, but here goes.

My sister is in a new relationship with a guy who works at a local school. He was my niece's teacher last year, which is how my sister and him met. My sister has a daughter (9) and a son (7).

Now here's the thing. She came to me a few days ago about a concern she had about the closeness her boyfriend has with her daughter. Of course, he was her teacher last year, but she has noticed a very, VERY close bond. She invited me to come along to a family do today and asked me for my opinion.

I noticed that he paid particular attention to my niece. Teasing her, messing about with her (not physical). I noticed that when he was talking to someone and my niece then started talking to him, he would divert his attention to her, regardless of what he was doing. My niece loves him - talks about him all the time, wants to play with him etc.

I am torn. I get the feeling he wants to get on with his step children, but on the other hand, I can see why my sister is worried. What if things develop between him and my niece as she gets older?

My sister doesn't know how to approach this and, tbh, neither do I.

What are your thoughts?

OP, you mentioned that both you and your sister naturally mistrust people. Why? What sort of upbringing did you have? Just wondering as, depending on what was your “normal”, it’s possible for your sister’s boundaries to be a bit off so she may accept as normal things that would send others running. Also, how long were they seeing each other before he was introduced as a BF? Sounds like it may be quite early on in the relationship that he’s moved into the role of “stepdad” which is never a good idea. Echo the pps who say he’s not a step-parent and is just a BF.

If your sister is otherwise happy with him then I haven't seen anything here that would concern me.

Previous boyfriends will have had no prior relationship with her kids, so any relationship would build up very naturally and gradually. But this guy was her teacher, so already knew her, and she knew him, so of course it will look completely different to anything your sister has previously experienced.

I teach, and some kids are absolutely in your face. If she's like that, she would be hard to deter without causing upset. And you've suggested that he is exactly the same with her brother, it's just that the brother is more reticent and reserved.

To me he sounds like someone trying to make a good impression on his girlfriend's kids, and you've already suggested that your instincts can't be trusted because you don't trust anyone.

If you were a sociopathic predator who wanted to abuse children for fun, what profession would you go into?

Think.

When I was a child, about 11, there was this mate of the next door neighbours. Seemed normal.

then New Years Eve he was dancing with me a lot. Til my Dad siad no. And I was glad - not sure why.

And now there are loads off. Night. xxMiss you all.

Yikes - the end weirdly edited!!

And now there are loads of reported incidents of him putting his hands down little girls' pants.

And my Dad said, 'I never liked how he looked at you.' My Dad was a factory worker, not into drama etc.

And where 'Night. xx' and 'Miss you all' came from? Well, much as I miss you all, I also sort of don't.

But love anyway.

How long has she been seeing him for?

The fact that you both think a 9 year olds teacher who has known her for years is abusive because he pays attention to her says more about yours and your sisters warped minds than anything else. You’ve said he’s not physical so you’d rather he just ignored her completely.

Part of me is surprised that a primary teacher is even allowed to enter into a relationship with the parent of his pupil. For example, counsellors and psychotherapists undertake not to enter into sexual relations with their patients. It’s in their code of conduct because they are in a position of power over the patient. Similarly, a teacher is in a position of power over a pupil and undertaking in sexual relations with the pupil’s parent could very easily muddy the waters surrounding boundaries.

Do the school know about the relationship?

Something feels uncomfortable about this. I’m not sure how the DD is supposed to switch from seeing him as teacher to seeing him as ‘Mums boyfriend’ without it all getting very confusing.

Why are you referring to him as ‘step dad’? He’s not the kids step dad, he’s your sisters boyfriend!!

She should stay single.

Bluebutterfly90
I agree, I was thinking the same thing.

Dating his young student's parent is already some not-great-at-boundaries stuff.

The very fact that there's been no slow progression to the 'meeting the children' stage is a worry, over familiarisation, rushed, pushing a teacher/student relationship into family life without much transition time. Red flags.

I'd expect a teacher, who was above board, to be much more careful around the children.

He’s not just her dds teacher. He’s known both children as well as their mum for years. None of this sounds strange behaviour wise for a nice guy that likes kids, wants his new relationship to work so wants the kids on side, ie responding to adoring dds frequent overtures. It’s not the same with the ds as he’s not adoring. People seem to be overreacting here. Is he just as nice to his own kids?
Of course, If your sister’s gut really says he’s not right then get rid. If he’d rather spend time with her dd than her then get rid.

Plus what happens if/when the relationship ends and the DD has become attached (sounds like she is already). Tough enough for the child in a normal situation but in this case she will have to see him at school.

Does the teacher sleep over at their house?

Honestly, in your OP you say that this child and teacher have a very, VERY close relationship. Even without abuse, if this all goes wrong this little girl will be unpicking all this in therapy 20 years from now.

Sounds like grooming.

I was groomed by a relative as a child. My reaction to reading this was to get rid.

The bottom line is that your sister isn’t comfortable with the man she is dating. (And this is at the point where she is utterly in love and he is the best thing since sliced bread- yet she has these concerns!) That’s it. That’s why she needs to end it. Regardless of whether there is anything dodgy about him or not. Her feelings, right now, matter. She gets to end it on this basis alone. If she doesn’t she is absolutely bonkers. Why/how on earth could you continue a relationship with someone you had these concerns about at any point? They would never go away.

"Something feels uncomfortable about this. I’m not sure how the DD is supposed to switch from seeing him as teacher to seeing him as ‘Mums boyfriend’ without it all getting very confusing"

But plenty of children cope with having their own parents as their teachers.

What I mean is, seeing him as teacher at school but then her having to adjust to him there at home at bath and bedtime. Having teacher sleep in the bedroom next to yours. Bumping into teacher in the night when you both go to the bathroom at the same time. Going into your mums’s bedroom on a Saturday morning and seeing teacher in her bed.

Of course you can have a parent who is also your teacher but you don’t have the boundary issues, do you?

@BraveGoldie Your post has been the best so far - thank you. That's the problem, there is nothing he has done that would make me feel in the slightest that there has or will be possible abuse. I get the feeling he is trying to impress my sister and because he and my niece have known each other for years, there is always going to be that bond. I remember absolutely adoring my teachers at school.

You are absolutely correct - my sister and I were betrayed as children (not sexual), so we have a mistrust with anyone. I think that was the point I was trying to make, but I made it badly. I was simply wanting to know how you can trust a 'step dad' but it comes down to instinct, which I totally get. As you say, my instinct is skewed somewhat.

@RollOnSaturday No, the teacher has only been involved with the family a handful of times. He meets my sister when the childen are not around. He has specifically said he wants to take things slowly.

As you say, my instinct is skewed somewhat.

Or better at spotting shit because you’ve experienced it.

I see zero evidence or reason to believe this man is a ‘groomer’ going off purely what has been written so don’t understand why everyone is piling in. Of course these men are exist but given none of us know the person we can only go off what is written and can’t find anything bad. Of course if the OP and sister have feelings and senses that counts for more than me but if I honestly felt like that I can’t see how I could still even be in a relationship with them as it’s not something people just lay out and think let’s see what happens.

This bloke needs to get the fuck out of there also as is being accused of all sorts with seemingly little to go off. I personally think it’s unprofessional also and he shouldn’t be going out with one of his pupils mums. As has been said what happens when they do split and part ways? It’s just two awkward and intertwined to get involved in that and without calling him a padeophile he’s shown serious lack of judgement getting involved in his current situation. Feel sorry for him if the insinuations are completely wrong but shouldn’t be involved. I know the code or conduct rightly prevents relationships with pupils who are not 16+ but not a bad idea to discourage dating the mums. Probably too prescriptive to ban what adults do though

He meets my sister when the childen are not around

That's not the impression I got from your early posts on this thread

He's a relatively new boyfriend. Not a stepdad.

She needs to stop seeing him. She doesn't have to say why. His reaction will tell her a lot.

So he has said that he wants to take things slow, and prefers to meet when dc are not around.

And treats the brother the same, but gets less response because he is more reserved.

I honestly am struggling to see anything wrong. But I think he should call it a day before your suspicions leak out and his reputation is in tatters.