Should I be concerned about my sister's boyfriend and my niece?

[feelingcrappy2019]

Okay guys, I feel I may get it in the neck after writing this, but here goes.

My sister is in a new relationship with a guy who works at a local school. He was my niece's teacher last year, which is how my sister and him met. My sister has a daughter (9) and a son (7).

Now here's the thing. She came to me a few days ago about a concern she had about the closeness her boyfriend has with her daughter. Of course, he was her teacher last year, but she has noticed a very, VERY close bond. She invited me to come along to a family do today and asked me for my opinion.

I noticed that he paid particular attention to my niece. Teasing her, messing about with her (not physical). I noticed that when he was talking to someone and my niece then started talking to him, he would divert his attention to her, regardless of what he was doing. My niece loves him - talks about him all the time, wants to play with him etc.

I am torn. I get the feeling he wants to get on with his step children, but on the other hand, I can see why my sister is worried. What if things develop between him and my niece as she gets older?

My sister doesn't know how to approach this and, tbh, neither do I.

What are your thoughts?

Just because someone has had a. Enhanced DVS check doesn't mean their not an abuser, just that they haven't been caught

DBS sorry

DBS check? Well, we all know that people in trusted positions with children (and a current DBS) never offend against children... 🤔

My gut reaction, and maybe wrong, is that this guy is grooming her (your niece). It just sounds creepy to me, that she’s dating her DD’s teacher, too. It’s one thing to be friendlier with your niece because he knows her, but it’s creepy AF if he diverts his attention from whoever or whatever, if she is talking. If your sister has raised her concerns about it, then it should be fairly simple to tell her you have reservations as well.

@Pinkmouse6 He is a very popular teacher, so this is very likely to be the case.

As I've said before, I would doubt every man who comes into my child's life. Teachers, potential boyfriends, everyone. So my instincts are slightly skewed because I don't trust anyone.

Good points - DBS check means nothing.

@Jellybabies1234 I can well imagine that. I guess this is why I will never trust anyone with my kids. Sad fact.

I was a single parent for seven years. I then got together with someone I’d known for years and trusted implicitly. I still felt a bit wary for a while of having a man in my life interacting with my daughter. It didn’t mean that my partner was behaving oddly, just that I didn’t know what to expect and had to get used to it. I’m sure your sister is just getting used to this as well and that if she had any serious concerns she would address them straight away.

Obviously if you have any sense that your DC are at risk you get rid

But this reads more to me that your sister is jealous of the attention her DD gets - which is just weird.

I'm a single parent and have only introduced 2 boyfriends over the years. I dated 2 guys who were 'keen' to meet my kid and I dumped them both. I'm sure they were just trying to impress me by being all 'cool with the fact that you have a kid' but I didn't care - anyone who doesn't understand that they don't have any automatic place in my kid's life is a twat and will never meet him.
Both boyfriends who met him were very cautious about it and very casual when they did. By which I mean not paying any special attention but being friendly in a hands off way. I fully appreciated that and I would not allow anyone to pay my child special attention or try to create too much of a bond. Not necessarily because it's a sign of grooming (though it can be) but because I don't want my child getting emotionally attached to another adult in that way. It's not fair and not appropriate.

While I don't think they guy is necessarily creepy I do believe your sister should end it. She doesn't trust him,you don't trust him. You're both looking for evidence he is a creep. DD is getting more and more attached and a breakup will be awkward enough now,even more so a year down the line..land it will break down. Better to end it now for everyone's sake.

Your sister is not ready for dating yet. She's not ready to trust herself or her own instincts. She's stuck in an awful limbo of is he..isn't he? That's not healthy.

If the niece is always in his face then of course he’s going to pay attention. He’s not going to push her away as that’d look bad. He has tried to interact with the nephew and he wasn’t interested so it isn’t like he’s focusing solely on the niece.

Children of primary school age can become really attached to their teachers. Presumably being her teacher for a whole school year means he does know her fairly well and does enjoy the company of children.
However if your sister is getting weird vibes I think that’s enough reason to call a halt to the relationship. I’d always trust my gut in cases like these, so what if it screws up a good relationship, I’d much rather err on the side of caution.

Why doesn't she talk to him and say it's inappropriate, if he doesn't see her point he's dodgy. Difficult for dc to adjust to this relationship, should have taken it slower.

This guy could be perfectly normal but your sister should just end it as she doesn't trust him. Best thing for her and definitely for him. Imagine finding out your partner and her sister thought you were a paedophile.

Sounds to me like he’s interacting with her in the way that a teacher who enjoys spending time with children would. He’s probably still in ‘teacher mode’ when he talks to her. As PP said it sounds like your sister is jealous of the attention he’s giving her

What if things develop between him and my niece as she gets older? it’s really disturbing that you’d even think of their relationship like that. She’s comfortable with him because he was her teacher.

But of course if your sister has any doubts about him at all she shouldn’t be with him and shouldn’t be leaving him alone with her kids.

As you sister has doubts she should dump him.

It would need nothing more than "It's not working out"

But you/she are going to have to be careful with what you say to other people, and the school.

Also worth a thought is how is you sister going to deal with her DD being in the same school as this man for the next two years?

I personally don't presume anything from what you have said, his a teacher, a dad thus the risk is actually very small. It sounds he is trying really hard (even with the nephew but nephew isn't reciprocating) rather than anything sinister, plus it can be the niece is being somewhat flirtatious even without realising it. I would caution your sister not that you are concerned he has improper intentions but that that so early in a relationship it could be they are getting to close

It doesn't seem to me that either of you are concerned your niece could possibly be a victim or intended victim of abuse but rather concerned this guy could dump your sister for her daughter. I find that really disturbing. Mum being jealous of her partner and daughter is pretty messed up.
Any doubts would be enough for me to remove him as the risk factor.

Things could develop when she is much, much older

That is so weird 😳

He was my niece's teacher last year, which is how my sister and him met.

But later on you say they've known each other for years. If that's the case, you presented this inaccurately.

If not, you're backtracking because it doesn't sound so great.

Surely you can see that in your first post...they met last year and the story changes later.

This might be a genuine mistake on your part, but all too often...the pp says they've known the guy for years, when the responses say they were introduced to the kids too early.

but he isn't really interested

Your nephew isn't as interested or the BF?

Is he involved in his own kids lives?

So far he's just been very friendly and pays your niece a lot of attention. He may think this is one way to your sisters heart...as most single mums would love a guy who gets on so well with her DC.

plus it can be the niece is being somewhat flirtatious even without realising it.

A flirtatious 9 year old, are you kidding me?

Parts of this thread are actually horrifying.

As someone who used to work with kids myself, I would expect a teacher to have more of an idea of appropriate interaction with children who are not their own, not less.
It may be he developed a certain level of comfort as her teacher and hasn't realised that he needs to step back a little now he's interacting with her as her mother's boyfriend.

Still, having any suspicion at all would completely kill the attraction for me.

OP, I think any time a mother introduces a new man into the family home/ to their children, they should be extremely careful - taking a long time to build trust, starting with small meetings, meeting that man's community, family, friends, observing them very closely, also looking at the way they (hopefully healthily) relate in their adult sexual life with the mother, and taking ages before you would consider ever leaving the man alone with your child (if ever). This is obviously to be sure he wouldn't be an abuser, but less extremely, that he is a positive role model, who will be a positive influence and take sensible action that you would support in any situation that might come up.

Absolutely, if you or your sister see any suspicious sign through any of this slow building of trust, then I would cut contact with the man. However, that said, - much as I love mumsnet - I think many on this board are very quick to judge a situation, declare men abusers, and encourage women to leave men.

I don't think there is anything you have said that suggests this man is an abuser. It sounds like he is doing nothing inappropriate and the closeness and extra attention is actually being initiated by your niece more than vice versa.But I also don't know he is safe. You and your sister need to use very careful judgement, and take no risks with your niece (ie never leaving her alone with him until you are 1000% sure.)

Many people have said that instinct is there for a reason, so must be right. Instinct can be very useful, but it can also lead us astray. As you say, neither your sister or yourself trust anybody. I don't want to pry, but if by any chance one or both of you were abused or your trust betrayed by an adult as children, then it is perfectly possible that seeing any man interact warmly with your niece/ child could trigger old fears and anxieties for you - regardless of how innocent that interaction is. So I don't think it is true to say instinct is always right.

The 'instinct' might also be insecurities of a totally different kind. Based on a few things you've said, it sounds to me like your sister's reaction may actually be insecurity about herself. You suggested the worry that once your niece is grown, she may get in a relationship with this man. This suggests your sister may actually be insecure about the closeness being a threat to her, rather than him actually being an abuser. Is it possible your sister would also be uncomfortable if her boyfriend was very close to his mum, or a friend? Could it be that she simply lacks a secure base of feeling confident in herself and her ability to be loved?

Sorry this post is so long - it is a situation that has many elements and dynamics - and I hope these thoughts are useful.

A difficult one for obvious reasons, BUT when I (female) was in my early 30's my little neighbour of 10 (male) used to come over All the time.

He sometimes used to knock on the door at 7am on a Sat morning 🙄 to help me with my horse

He used to spend more time at my house than he did at his. We just genuinely got on despite the age gap.
I know it sounds dodgy but it really wasn't. He was just a great kid.

I was targeted by one of my teachers, I now believe, from the time I was 11. We didn’t have sex until I was at the age of consent. He wasn’t involved with my mum, but he did have a wife. And when she found out do you know what she said? “You had eyes for him from the time you were 11 years old!” Sadly this is an attitude that prevails. Even prepubescent girls are apparently cock teases 😤