Should I be concerned about my sister's boyfriend and my niece?

[feelingcrappy2019]

Okay guys, I feel I may get it in the neck after writing this, but here goes.

My sister is in a new relationship with a guy who works at a local school. He was my niece's teacher last year, which is how my sister and him met. My sister has a daughter (9) and a son (7).

Now here's the thing. She came to me a few days ago about a concern she had about the closeness her boyfriend has with her daughter. Of course, he was her teacher last year, but she has noticed a very, VERY close bond. She invited me to come along to a family do today and asked me for my opinion.

I noticed that he paid particular attention to my niece. Teasing her, messing about with her (not physical). I noticed that when he was talking to someone and my niece then started talking to him, he would divert his attention to her, regardless of what he was doing. My niece loves him - talks about him all the time, wants to play with him etc.

I am torn. I get the feeling he wants to get on with his step children, but on the other hand, I can see why my sister is worried. What if things develop between him and my niece as she gets older?

My sister doesn't know how to approach this and, tbh, neither do I.

What are your thoughts?

I think the op might be in the wrong place to get some helpful advice on how to make sure their trust issues don’t prevent her and her sister from forming healthy adult relationships.

If your sister is otherwise happy with him then I haven't seen anything here that would concern me

Me neither. Sounds like perfectly normal behaviour to me - if he was being very physical with her I might think differently but it just seems that your niece clearly really likes him and he is just responding to that. He has tried to connect with your nephew too but he is less interested. There's nothing from what you have said that raises any alarm bells for me.

I can remember adoring one of my Dad's teacher colleagues at a similar age to your niece and he was always very attentive and kind to me. Never a hint of anything untoward ever happened - I still know him now and he has always been and still is an absolute gentleman.

This is a tough one. If he was female, would she still be concerned?

I'm a female primary teacher. I love children and am usually good at interacting and building bonds - it's my job and therefore one of my skills. If I'm in a conversation with an adult and a child approaches me, I'll happily stop my conversation to talk to them (unless they're pestering me, that's when I'd tell them that I'll talk to them after).

I loved my exe's niece. At family gatherings, I'd often be sat on the floor, playing with her with whatever toys she had out. I would gravitate towards her because I enjoyed interacting with her. Does that make me a predator?

However, I'm a firm believer of trusting your gut instincts. If she doesn't feel comfortable with his interactions, then I'd leave him.

If she has these concerns, she should dump him. No ifs no buts.

I can't see any issue in what you have told us, it dosnt seem inappropriate.
I do find it strange that your sister has concerns and isn't acting on them.
If it was me, if I had a gut feeling I would leave the relationship immediately, why on earth would she be waiting for evidence???

I’m a bit confused. First she’s known him for years, then she met him because her DD was in his class last year. He wants to take it slow and meet without DC, yet Dsis has had time to observe all these behaviours.

It all sounds a bit messed up tbh. Chances are your niece is showing off a bit because he was her teacher. My mum had an affair with my teacher when I was about that age and he’d come to my house for dinner with my DM and DF. Yes fucked up I know. It was exciting for me, but also incredibly uncomfortable and weird. At school it was even more uncomfortable and weird.

It doesn’t sound appropriate for me for a teacher to be starting a relationship with a school parent. I’d say there’s some serious boundary issues there to start, and it could become a problem if the niece starts talking about it at school, to either him or other kids. It’s unprofessional at the very least if you ask me.

I think your Dsis needs to go with her gut on this. It doesn’t sound great to begin with, and while he might not be an evil groomer paedo, he might be, and there’s other men out there, so it’s not like she’ll be single forever. This relationship with the teacher sounds fraught with potential problems, and it’s not supposed to be that way.

Something I have been taught in professional settings is that it is REALLY important to listen to any uneasy feelings you have about an adult interacting with a child. Because that will often be the only evidence that you will get. Abusers are skilful and they groom. The start of grooming can look like your sister describes. He should actually be more careful to be reserved around this child, having taught her. I would be out of there EVEN THOUGH I COULD WELL BE WRONG... it just isn't worth it. This little girl is the priority isn't she. Sadly research does suggest when looking at victim self-report data, that many many little girls are abused. It's not a rare thing and your sister should act on her unease here.

Its really not a wait and see job this, is it? Because the worst case here is horrific.
She clearly has instincts so she needs to listen to them. I've never ever had a single doubt about Dp. Nothing even approaching a doubt.

@feelingcrappy2019 What if this is totally innocent and my sister gets rid of him and dates someone who dislikes her children?

Well then she gets rid of him too, surely?

My gut instinct is like most on here. Get rid quickly.

One thing you've not mentioned is how long they've been dating. Frankly my kids would never be involved with someone I date until I am 1000000% sure he's a good 'un. There is no need for a few months while the relationship develops. I know he's the girls ex teacher but that is irrelevant.

In any case it's a moot point. Mothers gut instinct is usually right and she should go with that. My bigger concern is that he's a teacher and should know better.

My sister is in a new relationship

So why are the children involved? New person shouldn't be anywhere near the children.*
*
. I get the feeling he wants to get on with his step children

Erm, perhaps you/she/he (whoever thinks this) needs to slow the hell down. Step children

My question is this - how do you determine whether he is simply trying to be a great step father or an abuser? My sister and I are always untrusting of most people.

I've name changed just to post this OP. Please listen to me. A few years ago a family member of mine was arrested, charged and imprisoned for sleeping with under age girls. He was a teacher.

Aside from the enormous fall out in our family, I want you to know that it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to spot an abuser. They are COMPLETE experts at grooming their own family, colleagues and friends. This man devastated everyone. Nobody could believe they hadn't spotted the signs.

When we looked back, there WERE signs. Just that when they were taken out of context, it didn't ring a bell. Especially because he was a brilliant liar. There were things that made us uncomfortable but we couldn't quite place why.

I absolutely would NEVER ignore your gut instinct. You say you find it hard to trust people but if both of you feel uncomfortable then there is something amiss. It might not be that he is a child abuser, it could be he lacks boundaries. But neither are good.

Has she tried telling him he needs to ease off a bit? Has she tried telling her daughter to ease off? It wouldn't matter either way to me anymore. Anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable is gone. I've learnt the hard way and nobody is pulling the wool over my eyes ever again. I firmly believe I am better at spotting bullshit now.

I'm going to name change now, I wish you all the best of luck.

Paedophiles will do anything to gain access to children. They'll become priests, social workers, teachers and they'll even marry single mothers. Her instincts know he's bad news. Her need to be in a relationship needs to come second now.

You say he was your nieces teacher last year and that's how they met and then that they have known each other for years- which is it?

If it's a new relationship why is he that close to the children? Whether he knew them as a teacher before or not is irrelevant, the relationship status between him and the mother needs to be considered- how do you think being introduced to mummy's new boyfriend who then leaves after a short time affects a child?

being concerned something could develop when your niece is older is ridiculous, are you saying you and/or your sister believe this man is a peadophile? If so there is no watch and wait approach.