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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If someone messaged to say your DH was cheating

114 replies

GummyGoddess · 22/06/2019 07:19

What questions would you ask for 'proof'?

Was going to nc but I cannot be arsed.

OP posts:
Proteinshakesandtears · 22/06/2019 09:05

Depends on where the mark is.

Dp v neck t shirts a lot and you can see the birth mark near his collar bone.

So for me, knowing he has a birth mark on his chest, would not be proof.

Or our neighbours could probably know he has a tattoo on his back. He only ever wears vest type tops in the garden. Never out and about. I know he has it. His sister didnt as she hasnt ever seen him in a vest top. But my neighbours would.

It really depends on where the mark is.

ScreamingValenta · 22/06/2019 09:07

I wouldn't get into any correspondence with a woman I didn't know. I'd ask my DH what was going on.

NameChangeNugget · 22/06/2019 09:16

I think she’s full of shit and has an ulterior motive

magoria · 22/06/2019 09:23

I think he has been messing around with her. The dates match up and the identifying mark. She has found out he has also slept with the other person and is really pissed.

Or

Less likely she knows he and the other person are having an affair and is giving you a heads up.

Justbreathing · 22/06/2019 09:28

Why would anyone bother lying about something like this. I mean they might, but if you weigh up the likelihood of someone being a total maniac and deciding to randomly fuck with someone’s life.
Versus - he cheated

I think the second is the most likely.

EmeraldRubyShark · 22/06/2019 09:32

I’d obviously ask for proof before taking it seriously.

But tbf if he’s shagged someone before, I’d believe it right away. Someone who’s capable of cheating on their partner once is absolutely capable of doing it again. Especially if they got away with the first time.

EmeraldRubyShark · 22/06/2019 09:34

Think posters are missing this:

and told me days he was with her which marry up and that he's slept with someone else I know of but she couldn't have known.

He’s already a cheater.

babbi · 22/06/2019 09:35

Remote chance she is a troublemaker but most likely (99% ) she is telling the truth .
You only have to read people on here where generally the majority say “ don’t tell -keep out of it “ on here. Very few people go ahead and tell it seems - despite so many women saying “ I wish someone had told me “

OP I would ask for further proof from her ..

BitchQueen90 · 22/06/2019 09:35

From that information I'd be inclined to believe her to be honest, especially as he has done it before so he has form.

Whisky2014 · 22/06/2019 09:37

Mmm I'd be inclined to believe it.

Can you see if he has a photo back up maybe on cloud or Google photos and see if the same photos are on that?

Morgan12 · 22/06/2019 09:39

Yep sounds legit to me.

Deadposhtory · 22/06/2019 09:49

She could be a random nutjob but chances are that she is telling the truth.

InsertFunnyUsername · 22/06/2019 09:51

Sorry if i missed but does your DH know she has contacted you yet? I wouldn't mention it to him, difficult i know but i have been in similar postition and i could do better digging that way.

Sorry this happened to you OP its awful not knowing.

Proteinshakesandtears · 22/06/2019 09:53

He’s already a cheater.

See, I took that statement that he has slept with someone else that OP knows in her life. Rather than op knows he has slept with someone else, iyswim.

Robin2323 · 22/06/2019 09:53

But what does she want?
To get rid of you?
Warn you from the kindness of her heart?
Shit stir?
I had this too.
About me.
Someone rang my husband at work.
Said I was having an affair and it had been going on for years.
What makes me sad is that someone could hate me so much to cause that much trouble.
I was either at work or with dh so whatever they intent it didn't work.
I never found out who it was and we got the police involved.
Unless you've got solid proof ignore.

EmeraldRubyShark · 22/06/2019 09:58

See, I took that statement that he has slept with someone else that OP knows in her life. Rather than op knows he has slept with someone else, iyswim.

I don’t think the idea that the snitch has told OP her husband has slept with a different woman OP knows would make any sense as the ‘she couldn’t have known’ implies that OP does know it to be true. Don’t think ‘she couldn’t have known’ is a phrase that’d be used over a speculative event or something in doubt, if that makes sense. Hopefully OP will clarify but unless she’s written it wrongly I think it seems clear that he has form already (likely the new OW has told the snitch all about their affair including the fact that he’s done it before and now she’s informing OP).

TheClitterati · 22/06/2019 10:02

Reads to me as the DP has now "cheated" on OW, who is mighty pissed off with him and so has revealed all to OP.

Proteinshakesandtears · 22/06/2019 10:14

TheClitterati yes that's how I read it too.

I could be wrong. But that was what i though. The dh was cheating with OW (the one that is messaging op) and has also slept with someone else. The someone else is someone OP knows, personally.

I get the other way people are reading it too.

What I dont get is that OP says the woman that contacted her couldnt have known, he was cheated with someone else.

If this woman is knows ops husband at all, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he would have told her he has cheated before.

She could be OW and he has told her. He could just simply know her and told her.

I would still say there is no definitive proof off this woman.

GreyCloud0 · 22/06/2019 10:32

I think you have enough proof already to be honest

ConfCall · 22/06/2019 11:21

It’s possible that he promised her all sorts, and then reneged and/or slept with the third woman mentioned.

Now, she is out for revenge, having decided that she, like you, is an injured party.

Her motives don’t matter, though. You’re the important one here.

I think that you have enough evidence to have it out with him. So sorry OP.

Original poster
GummyGoddess · 22/06/2019 11:21

Thank you, I will be able to respond later but have swimming lessons to deal with at the moment

OP posts:
bigchris · 22/06/2019 13:26
Flowers
happybunny007 · 22/06/2019 21:55

In this situation I think I would believe her.

Winterlife · 22/06/2019 22:10

So she’s the OW? If so, I would confront my husband.

Jools7711 · 23/06/2019 11:37

Years ago I was using Zoosk on Facebook. I spotted a local man who looked interesting, messaged him and he suggested we meet for a date. I went looking for his profile on Facebook and lo and behold, no relationship info, but plenty of public photos showing a woman with him. Found her profile easily enough, and stating she was married to this person, and lots of photos of them together. And children, albeit adult ones. I emailed him again and said WTF, you're married and on a dating site as single, is this a joke? He replied "If you don't mind, then I don't mind" and when I said well what about your wife, he replied "Well she doesn't need to know, OBVIOUSLY" WHAT a jerk!

So guess what I did? I screenshotted the LOT and emailed his wife, apologised for upsetting her in advance, but that she needed to know that her husband was planning to cheat. She verbally abused me, threatened me and accused me of being an unhinged psycho. So clearly in denial, but I decided I did the right thing. I actually discussed this with a couple of friends, one said I should never have told her and that I may have destroyed a marriage. The men or women who step outside their committed relationships are the ones responsible!!

Anyway, I guess the point of my ramble is maybe don't discount this, but keep stumm for now and do some more digging. No smoke without fire isn't always true, but I would "stay frosty"....