DC dad new baby

[Cecilandsnail]

Name change. Going to try to be succinct but give all the details, and is a bit of a relationship aibu I suppose!

3 DC, 50/50 residency with me and exH. Ex had a brief relationship with a woman who wanted DC but he didn't. They broke up but she found out she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby, so they've been making a go of it. She has met my DC fairly regularly over last few months. They do not live together and no plans on moving in as far as I know.

ExH asked if I could 'help' with our DC around arrival of baby (e.g come pick them up or whatever if he needed to rush to hospital with new partner etc). I agreed willingly. No problem. So for the last 3 weeks I've barely had a drink for fear of having to rush off to collect them, cancelled trips away with my hobby etc as felt I couldn't be too far away, slept with my phone by my head if DC were with him etc. It has annoyed me a bit as it's had quite a big impact on me personally, with very little thanks or recognition that it's actually put me out quite a bit! But that's by the by really. My main concern is the devastating effect it's had on my eldest aged 10. She doesn't do well with change, and has been what I can only describe as depressive episodes over the arrival of the new baby. Convinced daddy will make her look after the baby (he won't), worried he won't love her or fuss her as much when the baby arrives, and just generally been very flat and despondent, cries a lot, can't stop worrying. I've tried to reassure her as best as I can. I've been really positive about the baby, really done my best. I asked if she's spoken to ExH about it but she says she won't. I brought it up with him about how she's been but he insists she's fine with him and hasn't said anything, and thinks she'll be fine. I'm honestly at the point of thinking she needs to talk to someone, as she's been a total mess with me. It's breaking my heart.

Fastforward. Baby has arrived this morning. By luck the DC were with me. We're due to be with exH over weekend sat morning until Monday morning, then with me until school pickup on Thursday. I will admit to sending a bit of a terse congratulations after he text me. I had an especially challenging evening and morning with DD upset about the baby, THEN having to tell her it had been born. She didn't say anything when I told her, and when I checked with her a bit later that she understood and had heard me she just shouted 'you've told me once I don't need to hear about it again'. I offered to show her the photo and it did pique her interest and she seemed ok. For what it's worth I think once she gets used to the reality of it and sees the baby and it becomes part of her routine she will be fine. She relies on her routines a lot!

So here's the crux (sorry it's been so long!). I told ExH that I'd have the kids Saturday, saturday night and drop them over on Sunday eve at tea time. This would give him a couple of days to spend alone with his partner and newborn (all of today and tonight, tomrrow day and night, plus most of sunday) then a nice evening with the DC to either take them to visit their new sibling, or at least talk to them about it/show photos etc. They'd be back in school Monday morning and he'd have most of next week and next weekend to spend with just him and new family. Except...he doesn't want them over! He's under the impression I should 'help' by having the DC until next Thursday. I'm just baffled! It's so hurtful to the DC that they're essentially being excluded (I haven't told them any plans yet...I'm just hurt on their behalf!) and I'm just anticipating the meltdowns from DD as I suspect it will confirm to her the fears that her dad will prefer the baby etc. Although I will of course manage this as best as I can and just say the baby and her mum need to sleep a lot for a few days etc. I've been really careful not to let my feelings colour things and been unendingly positive about it all, despite my own feelings that he's been a bit of a fool. I'm just gobsmacked!

We exchanged so heated texts today and I feel dreadful. He's coming at it from the angle that I should be supporting him and making good on my promise to help so he can support the new mum, whereas I can't get him to see that I'm not refusing to help, but that he needs to consider the feelings of his existing DC, and that one evening and night out of a week and a half totally free to spend being fatehr of the year. If I insist on dropping them off on Sunday, he will be there to receive them and will be lovely with them (I'll probably get some shit though). But before I do that, aibu for thinking he should have them on Sunday eve?! Am I being a bitch by forcing his hand on this? Or is my judgement being clouded by my own frustrations on the situation?

Why do people text these things?

Sorry, it might not be your point, but it does inflame things when there's no tone of voice or facial expression, and people get the wrong impression.

Anyway - at this point you don't know what the baby's mother might be needing from him. So it's going to be a tricky dance meeting everyone's needs.
Can you take them to visit the baby for a little while, then bring them home?

I understand your concern but for those first few weeks it's so very hard for a new mother and she won't be able to walk around quite as well as she will be healing. Also it's the only time he will be able to form that close bond while having time off work. It is hard for the older children to understand and these things in any family seem unfair. However you should get a clear thank you for your support and help.

This is tricky. Part of me thinks YANBU but part of me thinks that this is his partners first time at home with a newborn, she is probably exhausted and overwhelmed after the birth and could do with the support of her DP. If he’s got his 3 DC over the weekend and overnight it’s going to be very difficult for him to properly support her as his time will be taken up with the DC, realistically he can’t easily help with the baby whilst also entertaining and caring for the DC effectively. Also if she’s trying to establish breastfeeding it might be difficult in those first few days with her partners children around. Plus she probably feels very leaky and sore and might just want to feel comfortable in the house without worrying if a small child seeing her with leaking boobs or wearing a big maternity pad etc. So from her point of view I can see having the DC around is probably the last thing she wants when the baby is just a few days old and she hasn’t even got a routine established and is probably feeling a bit terrified at the enormity of caring for a newborn. Having your DP’s 3 young DC staying overnight whilst you get to grips with your first baby is widely different to having a fourth baby and caring for your own child, especially if she hasn’t spent a huge amount of time with the DC and probably isn’t comfortable with them.

That said it is really important for your DC not to feel pushed out or excluded, especially when your DD is already anxious about this. Is there maybe the possibility of a conpromise where your DP has the DC for the daytime on Sunday so they can meet their sibling but then where you pick them up in the evening so they’re not staying overnight in order to give his DP some space and enable your ex to focus on supporting her in these early days?

Yanbu just because he has had a new baby doesn't mean he gets to drop his other DC. if anything it's more important he spends some time with them now than ever I would have thought

It's bollocks though! You don't get to just pass your existing children over as a parent of more than one child. You have to get on with it. I was doing the school run on day 3 after having my youngest and had me traipsing around car sales forcourts within the week (shows how much support he gave me). The partner knew he had DC and I think it's shit that he's not managing their needs in this too. I think he needs to include them from the start...DD is already on very shaky ground MH wise about it. Her world has dramatically changed and she's not coping.

YANBU
I'm saying this as 39 weeks pregnant with my first child and DH has a 10 year old daughter. When our baby arrives I want DSD to be the first to meet the baby as I don't want her to feel left out and want to ensure she bonds with her new brother or sister.

I can maybe just understand why he doesn't want them overnight if they have had a rough time of it etc but not to point of not wanting them to meet the new baby. Especially if your daughter is having a hard time with adapting to the thought. She also needs her dad as much as the new baby does.

Ignore your ex and cuddle your eldest daughter. I had a younger half-sibling when I was ten. I went through all the feelings your eldest is going through right now, and it was miserable. I had no nice, considerate parents to listen to me or reassure me that I was still important/cared about: I soon ended up being the only one in my family with my surname, and was completely pushed to one side. The baby has been the firm favourite ever since, and I have minimal contact with my birth family now because of how badly it was handled.

Your kids are more important than your ex. Have some quality time with your daughter. Don't go on about the baby: just be there for her, and do a lot of listening, and then some more, and show her you love her.

(What do your children think about going to visit on Sunday? Do they want to go?)

Anyway. Don't force anyone to do anything. Don't force your daughter to hear baby news, don't force your husband to have the kids to visit on day 3: just give your kids lots of love, and more, and be kind to yourself by having that drink you've been holding off for three weeks :)

Excuse me!

When step mothers ask for space when their DC are born they a re blasted by all and sundry !
When a father literally ditches his kids mother of the kids is told this is bonding time for him!

No man! Double standards!

Sorry, some xposts. Thanks for the responses. Honestly I've been as supportive to him and them as a couple as possible. I've had to answer some really difficult questions from the DC over the last 6 month's. I just see my DD suffering and I want to scream. I think it's new baby plus definite nail in the coffin from her point of view of the hope that we could all live together as a happy family again, does that make sense? It's one night (that I will be bloody working anyway!) and sorry to be harsh but it's basically tough shit- if you have a baby with a man with DC they're going to be around, even when circumstances are difficult. It's annoying me as I KNOW if I had a baby with my DP (no chance of that! But hypothetically) there's no way I'd stop his or my DC from being around as much as they needed/wanted/had to be, even if I wasn't feeling up to it. It would be three hours TOPS before they'd be in bed anyway. But I really think DD needs it. To have a chance to chat with her dad and maybe visit the baby (or spend time with them if the partner is staying, I don't know if she is or not) and go to her own bed in her own house and feel like she's still got a place and things are going to be ok. She's cracking up here and there's nothing except listening and trying to talk it through that I can do. It has to come from exH.

I think for one weekend it’s ok if they don’t go over. As long as it’s not a reoccurring pattern.

It’s her first and you don’t know how she’s coping. Just because you had to do the school run 3 days after having a baby doesn’t mean anything.

More xposts. Thank you. I know I'm being ranty, sorry! I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it all either (not jealous, I'm happily moved on, but it's still a bit of a headfuck that your DC have suddenly gained a sibling, does that make any sense). Emotions running a bit high!

I think it is really sad your ex husband doesn’t want his older children at the weekend he should be having them.

Your ex husband doesn’t live with his current girlfriend, mother of his newborn, so why should her child take priority over any of his other children? He is being a massively unfair.

I understand why you would be annoyed but I think I’d let it slide this one weekend and that’s it.
The baby isn’t even 24hours old, is she even out of hospital ?
He may not live with her but he might be staying over hers to help her

He can still help her. In the same way as any father with more than one child can.

Where do couples who have other children send them if they have another baby? They just get on with it!

I think I would give him the first week, and then expect him to manage the normal arrangement. But I would also expect him to agree to a visit from his existing children to meet the new baby this weekend.

So maybe drop them with him Sunday morning, and collect them Sunday evening? I know it imposes on you more than it should, but i think it's reasonable for one week.

@Cecilandsnail this is the mother's first baby. People having their second and third babies know the drill and can work around other children. And importantly, they're THEIR children, so they can control what happens.

Here we have three different homes involved. The mother's, the father's and the kids.
If you'd just come back from hospital with your first baby, had asked the father to come and stay to support you, and he turned up with his three older kids who you don't know well and can't direct or control, can you honestly say you'd think it was fair?

Let's just imagine the new mother's post on Mumsnet...

In an ideal world, instead of dropping them off, OP will (with permission) take them up to visit their new sibling for 20 minutes or so, then take them home again. They get to be involved in welcoming the baby, but new mum still gets the dad's support and attention. The baby will only 3 days old, ffs. her need for the father (for the day) trumps your kids' need for him (for the day) I'm afraid.

*this is the mother's first baby. People having their second and third babies know the drill and can work around other children. And importantly, they're THEIR children, so they can control what happens.

Here we have three different homes involved. The mother's, the father's and the kids*

You said it better then me.

You keep comparing people who have a second baby and get on with it but this isn’t the same situation. This is her first and there are 3 households not just one.

The dad has the kids 50/50. His home is also the kids home!

Yes, couples who already have children and have a fourth child just get on with it. But at that point they’re not learning how to cope with a newborn, they’re doing it for the fourth time. Having a 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th child is not the same as the PFB. The feeling is far more overwhelming and terrifying, everything feels like uncharteted territory. Obviously it doesn’t feel like this for your DO, but if he’s caring for his other 3 DC he will essentially be needing to leave his partner to get on with it alone for the evening/ overnight as it’s unlikely he can give your DC the time and attention they need whilst with him and also help her with her 2-day-old baby. A baby who is likely to be feeding every couple of hours and not in any sort of sleep routine yet and where his partner is likely exhausted from the birth and the hormone rush. Having 3 children aged under 10 who she hasn’t really gotten to know yet and who will likely want to spend all their time fussing over the baby is not going to give her much of a chance to rest, to bond with the baby skin-to-skin/ establish breastfeeding - having your boobs in front of your own children is different to having them out in front of step children is I doubt she’ll feel comfortable doing this in front of your young DC. It’s just not the same trying to bond with your first baby with 3 step-children in the house as it is with your own DC as the relationship is completely different.

I definitely think the DC need to see their father and their new sibling this weekend, but I think a few hours in the afternoon would be better considering the baby is literally only going to be a couple of days old. I think evening and overnight is the worst time to have them as it will just be a case of doing teatime/ bathtime/ bedtime routines whilst the baby is winding down for the evening and not up for lots of stimulating cuddles from DC and then having the kids asleep whilst he’s likely up all night with a newborn before just doing the school run routine in the morning. It’s not reasonably going to leave the DC much time to actually bond/ spend with the new baby or for ex to spend quality time with the kids. It just seems a really odd time for him to have the DC which is unlikely to suit anybody.

I think arguing about this within 24 hrs of the baby being born is pathetic. Give him this weekend to catch his breath, you don’t know how the birth was, how the baby was. I’m sure if you explain to your DC in a nice and light hearted way it won’t be the end of the world, if you were feeling unwell/ unable etc would you hope your Ex was flexible? When you had your first would you have been ok on your own within 2/3days?

I have to work. I can't do running around dropping them over for 20 mins or whatever during the day, hence Sunday eve. I'm also missing work tomorrow so I can look after the DC, losing money in process (work for myself) and I've also had to rearrange early Monday morning so I can drop DC to school. It's been a right pain in the ass. I had to rejig my day today too as I felt I couldn't drip the baby bombshell on an already tearful DD (she was having a moment) and then pack her off to breakfast club, so ended up an hour down today too. I should have waited to tell her in hindsight, but I expected ExH to want to do a quick in and out 10 baby meet with them this eve to be honest, so wanted to give her time to process it a bit during the day and not have announcement and being suddenly whisked off to the hospital for quick visit in one fell swoop.

I do feel sympathy for the partner, hence helping out with having them most of this weekend, but also...If you're going to have a baby with a man with DC then you have to have them as part of the deal imo. You don't get to just dismiss them when it doesn't suit. I've helped DD pick a card and a gift. I'm not trying to be an awkward cow, I'm just feeling a bit protective of them and wanting them to feel ok with it all.

I know I've poured my worries and concerns out on here but I promise, I've been the model supportive positive exW and mum irl. I've asked after the partner, I've listened to my DDs stresses (she's such a worryer, so highly strung) and pointed out all the positives. It's mostly ' The unknown' that she gets herself in knots about, so I know once she gets the meeting bit and seeing that her dad will still fuss her and want her there she will begin to come to terms with it. I'm at the end of my rope tbh, the thought of another week of her stressing out is horrendous! Huge thank you for listening to my rambles though, whether you agree or not. I am reading and thinking.

Ok. I've listened. I will relent and have the DC on Sunday night. I still think he's wrong to leave it a whole week before seeing them, and I won't be making concessions in the future (unless reasonable). I also think he owes me a thank you and a bottle of wine lol.

He is father to all these DC and and 50-50 custody of the older ones. He needs to man up and find a way to include them.

He isn't staying in the hospital. Probably a strained relationship with the exGf / new mum. So why not have the kids for 1 night?!