DC dad new baby

[Cecilandsnail]

Name change. Going to try to be succinct but give all the details, and is a bit of a relationship aibu I suppose!

3 DC, 50/50 residency with me and exH. Ex had a brief relationship with a woman who wanted DC but he didn't. They broke up but she found out she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby, so they've been making a go of it. She has met my DC fairly regularly over last few months. They do not live together and no plans on moving in as far as I know.

ExH asked if I could 'help' with our DC around arrival of baby (e.g come pick them up or whatever if he needed to rush to hospital with new partner etc). I agreed willingly. No problem. So for the last 3 weeks I've barely had a drink for fear of having to rush off to collect them, cancelled trips away with my hobby etc as felt I couldn't be too far away, slept with my phone by my head if DC were with him etc. It has annoyed me a bit as it's had quite a big impact on me personally, with very little thanks or recognition that it's actually put me out quite a bit! But that's by the by really. My main concern is the devastating effect it's had on my eldest aged 10. She doesn't do well with change, and has been what I can only describe as depressive episodes over the arrival of the new baby. Convinced daddy will make her look after the baby (he won't), worried he won't love her or fuss her as much when the baby arrives, and just generally been very flat and despondent, cries a lot, can't stop worrying. I've tried to reassure her as best as I can. I've been really positive about the baby, really done my best. I asked if she's spoken to ExH about it but she says she won't. I brought it up with him about how she's been but he insists she's fine with him and hasn't said anything, and thinks she'll be fine. I'm honestly at the point of thinking she needs to talk to someone, as she's been a total mess with me. It's breaking my heart.

Fastforward. Baby has arrived this morning. By luck the DC were with me. We're due to be with exH over weekend sat morning until Monday morning, then with me until school pickup on Thursday. I will admit to sending a bit of a terse congratulations after he text me. I had an especially challenging evening and morning with DD upset about the baby, THEN having to tell her it had been born. She didn't say anything when I told her, and when I checked with her a bit later that she understood and had heard me she just shouted 'you've told me once I don't need to hear about it again'. I offered to show her the photo and it did pique her interest and she seemed ok. For what it's worth I think once she gets used to the reality of it and sees the baby and it becomes part of her routine she will be fine. She relies on her routines a lot!

So here's the crux (sorry it's been so long!). I told ExH that I'd have the kids Saturday, saturday night and drop them over on Sunday eve at tea time. This would give him a couple of days to spend alone with his partner and newborn (all of today and tonight, tomrrow day and night, plus most of sunday) then a nice evening with the DC to either take them to visit their new sibling, or at least talk to them about it/show photos etc. They'd be back in school Monday morning and he'd have most of next week and next weekend to spend with just him and new family. Except...he doesn't want them over! He's under the impression I should 'help' by having the DC until next Thursday. I'm just baffled! It's so hurtful to the DC that they're essentially being excluded (I haven't told them any plans yet...I'm just hurt on their behalf!) and I'm just anticipating the meltdowns from DD as I suspect it will confirm to her the fears that her dad will prefer the baby etc. Although I will of course manage this as best as I can and just say the baby and her mum need to sleep a lot for a few days etc. I've been really careful not to let my feelings colour things and been unendingly positive about it all, despite my own feelings that he's been a bit of a fool. I'm just gobsmacked!

We exchanged so heated texts today and I feel dreadful. He's coming at it from the angle that I should be supporting him and making good on my promise to help so he can support the new mum, whereas I can't get him to see that I'm not refusing to help, but that he needs to consider the feelings of his existing DC, and that one evening and night out of a week and a half totally free to spend being fatehr of the year. If I insist on dropping them off on Sunday, he will be there to receive them and will be lovely with them (I'll probably get some shit though). But before I do that, aibu for thinking he should have them on Sunday eve?! Am I being a bitch by forcing his hand on this? Or is my judgement being clouded by my own frustrations on the situation?

I think that there’s a compromise to be reached. Yes you’ve been flexible and I’m surprised at him expecting not to see his older children at all for this week’s contact. Could your children not go and visit their new sibling, even if only briefly, on Sunday? Quick meet, present, cuddle and photos with lots of reassurance from Dad that the bigs are very special too. If you can put aside the sacrifices that you have made to accommodate him and discuss it in terms of their welfare.
Good luck, I hope your children quickly fall in love with the baby and Dad remembers to put all his children first.

I think maybe my reactions are coloured by the fact that I'm deep down quite cross with him for complicating things so much. He was adamant he didn't want more DC and dating a woman who in his words was desperate for DC. WHY wasn't he more careful!

And putting our lovely DC through even more upheaval only a few years after our split. Frustratingly, a part of the split was because he was so shit and unsupportive with me and the DC in general. He made my first weeks of my youngest hell by dragging me out to look at cars, listening to his fucking endless important research, while I was doing all the housework, bf, with 3 under 5. He asked me on day 2 'what's for tea'. And had an emotional affair and a snog with a colleague. Massive dripfeed i know. My blood still boils when I think of it, even though I'm over it. So I think him bleating on about supporting his new DP while I'm still doing tnings for him has touched a nerve. I do feel like releasing it all on here tonight has done my frame of mind a world of good though. Thanks for the considered responses after wading through many walls of text!

I will try to reach a compromise I promise. Maybe they can pop over after school on Monday or Tuesday.

And I am using paragraphs! I'm on the app and they keep disappearing!

Agree with you entirely. Me and my eldest dad never changed our arrangements when any of our kids were born. He fetched her when I was admitted to hospital and I fetched her a day later due to being in hospital but he offered. When his wife had her first with him she didnt send my daughter away.

If he had another baby with you he wouldnt be able to send the older kids away.

Can he see your dc during the day this weekend so he can still be available for nights? And do the school run/do a few afternoons this week since he presumably is on paternity leave?

Then for overnights, is there a place they can all sleep at his partners or at his house? I think his partner and baby should ideally not be left alone at night but if they can all be together, then that’s fine.

Op I'd have been so greatful if you'd been by partner exw. I have three dsc and had a newborn, after a lot of surgery post birth. I had all the 3dsc for the next 4 overnight immediately after coming home from hospital. It was horrendous and I think unfairly on them it has permently damaged my relationship with them.
A visit for tea Sunday to see their half sibling sounds perfect. Have you tried calling him to see if you can discuss this?
It's sad they won't meet their sibling soon as possible. Did baby's mom have a horrendous birth as that might be changing things?

Hi OP. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. When my baby was born in Jan, he was born on a Weds which is our day to have DSS. Obviously we couldn't have him that day. I came home Friday and we had him all weekend as normal. His dad still supported me and because DSS was 7, he was able to occupy himself if needed (whilst DH helped me get in and out of the bath and made dinner etc). It was really important to DH that we had bonding time as a family before we let visitors come (my parents had been and so had his but he was adamant that he didn't want anyone else to come until his DS had his chance to see and get used to the baby. DSS wasn't particularly really interested in the baby (they aren't particularly interesting at that age are they), we just wanted to keep things as normal as possible regarding the routine we had. It worked for us. So i agree the children need to see the baby and get used to the new situation and the new routine

No way will he do the school run. I don't think DD would cope with staying over, but the gf could stay over his. I think I'm just going to have to accept Thursday and manage the DC feelings in the meantime. I think he's a dick though.

Tricky.

If it’s new mum asking for space, I think that’s fair enough. If it’s him, an experienced parent, then that’s shitty.

Your DC should at least be allowed a few hours with their new sibling.

This isnt going to help your eldests fears. Can you put it to him through her perspective?

We have DHs DD 50/50. I have my own DC. If we had a baby (hollow laugh, no thanks, I am done!) I would absolutely want his DD here for her usual time.

Take your DC to visit their new sibling, but take them home with you for this weekend. Let new mum rest etc, but from next week ensure your DCs usual contact routine continues as normal. You can support your DC better if they are with you.

The new mum had this baby knowing he has 3 DC. Imo they should just find a way to manage. It's taking a hard line but there we go. That's what they chose to do.

He's having none of it see it from DC pov. He just thinks I should be making his and gf lives easier and that me suggesting they go over is me being awkward and unsupportive towards him. He's choosing to take it personally whilst I'm trying to make sure DC are ok.

I think you're being incredibly reasonable OP. The fact is, you have to work and you're already losing money by facilitating having your children during his time and yes, he should acknowledge his gratitude for that.

I think the idea of taking the children to say hello to the new baby - and then taking them away again is a good one. Their dad should be making definite plans to make up the time with his children and do something nice with them, that's really important. He doesn't get to father new children and forsake the existing ones.

I'll send you , you definitely deserve it.

He needs to man up.
He isn't even with the new mother so I think he is taking the piss.
Other parents have to cope.
Why does he need to be with the new mum 24/7?
I didn't get that much help and I was married.
No he is being unreasonable.
I would also stop talking about the new baby to your dd, unless she brings it up.
Let's me honest the likelihood of your ex remaining with this woman for the rest of his life is slim. Try not to let it consume you and your dd.

@Cecilandsnail One of the reasons I don’t want any DC with DH is because we already have 4 between us. The impact on the quality of their lives, my stress levels (main earner as DH is disabled). If we did, however, I would never expect his DD to miss her time us (barring me being in labour!) once the baby was born. Even if she was due to come the very next day. DH would have to suck it up and have all 4 if I was still in hospital post birth and I’d have to suck up him not being able to be with all the time.

I don’t understand the whole pushing existing DC to the side.

Fwiw when we had DC I had him on the Wednesday and was due to have DSD on the weekend. I had a horrible labour and could barely walk or sit. Nevermind keep a 7 year old occupied with trips out. She's have been sat around waiting for midwife appointments or at the hospital whilst DC was being treated for jaundice. Instead DSD Nan brought her over on the Saturday. They stayed for a few hours then left as we had to leave for hospital. DSD was very understanding and had a sleep over at his Nan's instead. After that, normal contact resumed. I understand you want your daughter to be made to feel welcome and not excluded at her Dad's but the reality is she'll be sat around not doing much with both parents constantly trying to work out the needs of their new baby and I imagine she'll feel worse for that. Perhaps see if you could take her round for a bit on Sunday to meet her new half sibling? Things will get better with time.

@Eustasiavye the OP wrote that they broke up and then got back together to make a go if it. So he is with the new women and she’s meet his children several times.

I would guess that they split up as she wanted children and he didn’t, too late to change that now and she’s got what she wants so no reason the relationship won’t last.

Just because you didn’t get that much help and you were married doesn’t mean everyone else has to have the shit end of the stick too.

Well, he was a dick during your marriage, and tbh he still is. He doesn't accept your dd's anxiety over it because it is an inconvenient truth. But he is who he is, you just have to work round it.

He really should be thankful because you didn't have to do any of this.

I'd give him a pass this week and not mention the baby anymore and just make life normal for your DC. Your DC have probably picked up on your anxiety about it all.

I think your exH needs to pay your lost wages for the time you had to take off. It would only be fair.

Just return to the normal visit schedule next week.

I'm not bringing it up with DD. I'm only discussing it / listening when she brings it up. She's been having major upsets about various things recently (e.g full on sobbing that she doesn't like her clothes and the seems don't feel 'right') and when she's in full flow of upset she always ends up sobbing about the baby. I then have to calm her down, listen and try to make her feel okay again. She's projecting her generally worry onto random things. I'm not making a big deal of it at all. I'm trying to be bright and breezy and reassure her. ExH is just denying it. He's not even listening to me saying he needs to reassure her...says she's fine with him and implies its just me fussing. She's not eating or sleeping properly and isn't finding joy in much at all at the moment. I'm genuinely worried about her MH. The only thing that's going to help is the reality of the baby being ok, and he needs to provide that reality in the most positive way possible. Not involving them for the first week of the baby's life is not going to help imo.

I haven't had anxiety over it. They haven't picked up anything from me and I strongly resent that suggestion when all I've done is present it in a lovely happy positive way. I've only spoken about it when they've brought it up. My DD is a very anxious child, always has been since tiny. It's not my parenting as my DSes are really unfazed by anything. My middle one has had what I'd deem 'normal' questions and concerns and I've been able to answer them and reassure him fairly easily.

I said your dd's anxiety over it, if it was my post you're referencing.

I do not get on with DH's ex not one bit but I am forever grateful that she brought their shared 2 DC over to the hospital the day I hadmy very premature baby so they could see her and know she wasn't a mom steer going to take their daddy from them. They were due to go in holiday with her the next day so if she hadn't been flexible the DC wouldn't have seen baby for at least a week. Why don't you suggest a flying visit with DC so they can meet but new mum not overwhelmed?

Your Ex is being unreasonable. He has 50/50 custody and doesn’t live with his partner, so I doubt he’s doing much to support either the new baby or the mum. He could have his kids for one bloody weekend even if it’s just to spend time with them. As for his partner - it doesn’t matter if this is her first baby. She chose to have a baby with a man who already has kids and so she needs to put up; it’s not up to OP to make things easy for her.