DC dad new baby

[Cecilandsnail]

Name change. Going to try to be succinct but give all the details, and is a bit of a relationship aibu I suppose!

3 DC, 50/50 residency with me and exH. Ex had a brief relationship with a woman who wanted DC but he didn't. They broke up but she found out she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby, so they've been making a go of it. She has met my DC fairly regularly over last few months. They do not live together and no plans on moving in as far as I know.

ExH asked if I could 'help' with our DC around arrival of baby (e.g come pick them up or whatever if he needed to rush to hospital with new partner etc). I agreed willingly. No problem. So for the last 3 weeks I've barely had a drink for fear of having to rush off to collect them, cancelled trips away with my hobby etc as felt I couldn't be too far away, slept with my phone by my head if DC were with him etc. It has annoyed me a bit as it's had quite a big impact on me personally, with very little thanks or recognition that it's actually put me out quite a bit! But that's by the by really. My main concern is the devastating effect it's had on my eldest aged 10. She doesn't do well with change, and has been what I can only describe as depressive episodes over the arrival of the new baby. Convinced daddy will make her look after the baby (he won't), worried he won't love her or fuss her as much when the baby arrives, and just generally been very flat and despondent, cries a lot, can't stop worrying. I've tried to reassure her as best as I can. I've been really positive about the baby, really done my best. I asked if she's spoken to ExH about it but she says she won't. I brought it up with him about how she's been but he insists she's fine with him and hasn't said anything, and thinks she'll be fine. I'm honestly at the point of thinking she needs to talk to someone, as she's been a total mess with me. It's breaking my heart.

Fastforward. Baby has arrived this morning. By luck the DC were with me. We're due to be with exH over weekend sat morning until Monday morning, then with me until school pickup on Thursday. I will admit to sending a bit of a terse congratulations after he text me. I had an especially challenging evening and morning with DD upset about the baby, THEN having to tell her it had been born. She didn't say anything when I told her, and when I checked with her a bit later that she understood and had heard me she just shouted 'you've told me once I don't need to hear about it again'. I offered to show her the photo and it did pique her interest and she seemed ok. For what it's worth I think once she gets used to the reality of it and sees the baby and it becomes part of her routine she will be fine. She relies on her routines a lot!

So here's the crux (sorry it's been so long!). I told ExH that I'd have the kids Saturday, saturday night and drop them over on Sunday eve at tea time. This would give him a couple of days to spend alone with his partner and newborn (all of today and tonight, tomrrow day and night, plus most of sunday) then a nice evening with the DC to either take them to visit their new sibling, or at least talk to them about it/show photos etc. They'd be back in school Monday morning and he'd have most of next week and next weekend to spend with just him and new family. Except...he doesn't want them over! He's under the impression I should 'help' by having the DC until next Thursday. I'm just baffled! It's so hurtful to the DC that they're essentially being excluded (I haven't told them any plans yet...I'm just hurt on their behalf!) and I'm just anticipating the meltdowns from DD as I suspect it will confirm to her the fears that her dad will prefer the baby etc. Although I will of course manage this as best as I can and just say the baby and her mum need to sleep a lot for a few days etc. I've been really careful not to let my feelings colour things and been unendingly positive about it all, despite my own feelings that he's been a bit of a fool. I'm just gobsmacked!

We exchanged so heated texts today and I feel dreadful. He's coming at it from the angle that I should be supporting him and making good on my promise to help so he can support the new mum, whereas I can't get him to see that I'm not refusing to help, but that he needs to consider the feelings of his existing DC, and that one evening and night out of a week and a half totally free to spend being fatehr of the year. If I insist on dropping them off on Sunday, he will be there to receive them and will be lovely with them (I'll probably get some shit though). But before I do that, aibu for thinking he should have them on Sunday eve?! Am I being a bitch by forcing his hand on this? Or is my judgement being clouded by my own frustrations on the situation?

No not yours category12, I was referring to RantyAnty's post. I agree, he's dismissing what I'm describing of DDs behaviour as an inconvenient truth.

Have just read your entire thread. Op you're a bloody saint and can see everything you've done has been done with your child's interests at the fore. Ex h needs to man up and make things right for your daughter. Hope she settles but very upsetting for you to watch him carry on like this.

She relies on her routines a lot!

Sorry OP but I’m another who thinks you’re being a bit unreasonable to be kicking up a fuss about this so soon after the baby is born. But I do think it’s just your stress and anxiety from worrying about your daughter spilling over, after a difficult few months. Baby has barely been around for 24 hours, it’s the sensible and kind thing to give him a break for a week or so so he can support his partner in settling into a routine. If you can pop round for an hour max with the kids and then take them back with you again that might be a good compromise. But expecting him to have his three older kids mere days after his partner has given birth just for the sake of ‘fairness’ is a bit petty and in nobody’s best interests.

I’m a bit concerned however about the things you’ve said about your daughter, it’s normal for a new baby to be an unsettling time but from what you’ve written it seems to have gone way beyond a normal reaction from her. I wonder if she ever seen anyone to assess her mental health? It seems she has a lot of anxiety, beyond what’s ‘normal’, the excessive worrying about different things, the clinging onto routines, the sobbing and needing to be comforted like a baby, I’m just worried that this isn’t just a sign of her feeling uneasy about the baby but more a sign of a growing mental health problem. You could take her to the GP, speak to the school or ring your local CAMHS. Please don’t sleep on it hoping it gets better if this isn’t totally new behaviour. Anxious stressed kids grow into teens with even more entrenched mental health issues.

Be kind to your ex for the next week or two and don’t make any judgments on what the future will look like based on this very new period. As a first time mother I wouldn’t feel up to having three kids I have a brand new relationship with around me right away, she’s only met them a few times, doesn’t have a parenting relationship that’d enable her to set boundaries or assert her own needs, she’s probably sore and bleeding and might be needing to walk around topless if her breasts are really sore or she’s trying to establish breastfeeding, it’s just too much and as PP have highlighted it’s very different to if she already had three of her own. And your ex clearly doesn’t think they’re ready for him to leave her alone with the baby yet. Not sure where people are getting the idea that he isn’t with her 24/7 just because they don’t live together!

I would say that he was unreasonable if they were living together but you say in your OP that they are not. So either she will be going home from hospital to her place and after only the 2nd day have to be alone with the baby so that your ex can be with his kids, or she'll have to stay at his, which is not her home, probably doesn't have all she needs for baby so that he can be with his kids.

I can totally understand under these circumstances that he would ask for you to have them overnight until later in the week.

Soory meant to say he should still have them during the day.

OP I wasn't having a go at you at all.

I just meant that children can pick up on body language and other non verbals.

I was saying let it go for the week and go back to the regular visitation routine.

Your exH sounds self absorbed and thinking about himself.

Your idea about your DD having therapy is a good idea.

Text him, I have to work to pay the bills.
Or do you want to reimburse me because your not willing to do your share of 50/50 parenting.

I was doing the school run on day 3 after having my youngest and had me traipsing around car sales forcourts within the week

Well done you. I could barely function the first week after I had my first.

They were your kids. Would you have been happy having someone else's kids hanging around after you had your first one?

@Yabbers well guess what they are her DP's kids - that's what people get for having a child with a man who already has 3 kids - you don't get to be precious. Or you do and you get called out on here.

OP - you are a saint and he is showing you why you split. I think you need to rely on yourself being there for your DC and especially your DD and support her mental health with counselling - your DD was right, he is going to ignore them now!

OP, YANBU.

In fact I think you are being so accommodating.

Your ex sounds like such a dick. You are well rid.

I actually would pull back. I think you are way too involved in his relationship.

I would drop the children over and let him get on with it.

His selfish nature will only increase now that he has a new baby he doesn't particularly want.

You sound like a fantastic mother and a patient woman.

I would definitely think some play therapy could help your daughter process this change and help her grieve for the family she had.

Best of luck.

Without a doubt DD needs counselling. She's always been anxious but the last 3 weeks have been something else. I actually welcome the sobbing because after the release she's much better for a few days. I am looking into counselling now as it's definitely beyond typical. I've said as much but he insists she's fine with him, as if its MY problem or that I'm exaggerating, totally missing the point. I've said I'll do the Sunday night but I still think he's copping out and that I've made more concessions than most would have. I think he should put his older DC first or at least somewhere on the list forms few hours!

Me and the DC have made a nice plan of having lots of long walks, yoga, board games and clothes shopping for DD for clothes with acceptable seams (!!) in the next few days so I'm hoping it will cheer her up. DD is going to sleep over my parents tonight which she LOVES (gets spoiled absolutely rotten!) So today has been fab so far, no dramas. I'll be having a large glass of plonk tonight let me tell you!! Also yes to pulling back. He's made his bed. Fuck it. I'm done with being accomadating for no thanks.

Look I appreciate you're not happy but you have no idea what mum and baby are going through right now because each experience is different. All I heard after I had DD was how women just "squat down in a rice field to give birth and get on with their day" (thanks MIL), and how everyone else needed to see baby and be included. It didnt matter that I'd had a horribly traumatic birth, no sleep for 3 days and DD in special care having nearly died. Maybe you were doing the school run or whatever after giving birth but that doesn't mean she will be. Yes I knew DH had a son already but I could never have anticipated in my wildest nightmares how badly things would go for me and DD. Sure we had been sensible and made plans but reality rarely does like that. Have a bit of compassion and just ensure that your ex gives you the extra days at another time.

It's not about extra days.

And I'm not saying about the school run in a 'go me' kind of way. I'm saying I didn't have a bloody choice! He didn't leave me with a choice. He went on an optional work trip 2 weeks after DC 3 was born. I had 3 under 5 and felt like shit. Gripes me how he's so keen on being supportive suddenly. Well he can do that, good him, but he should be being bloody supportive of his older DC too while he's at it!

I havent RTFT but frankly - stand your ground. The woman chose to have a baby with a bloke with three existing kids. She's the adult. Leaky boobs my ass, your Rx DH doesn't get to opt out of parenting his first three.

Unless the baby is literally in special care or the mother's health is compromised to the extent she is still in hospital under observation there is no excuse and no need that justifies the ex's behaviour. What a horrible attitude. Of course it would be nice for her to have the ex to herself. She should have thought that through a bit more.

I get that OP. She's probably in the same boat having believed whatever rubbish your ex has told her about what a great dad he is and it's only now dawning on her that it's not quite what she believed. Well it was for me anyway. Your DC are better off with you for now. DSS wanted to visit and I said yes but he actually hated it because baby was up at all hours and I was a wreck whilst DH was useless. Maybe your ex is amazing and would generally deal with 3 DC and a newborn or maybe his new partner would end up doing far more than she should be. I mean in my case baby was literally in special care for weeks and I'd had a c section, and we did have DSS but it wouldn't be something I would repeat for my sake or his.

OP you are being lovely. I have two SC, all we wanted as soon as our DC was born awas for the SC to see her asap. Resulted in an argument between the pair of them half hour after our DD . ExW denied this for three weeks. It hurt all of us, children included, a lot.

If you get with a man with children you have to accept to a certain extent you lose your "firsts", children should always come first.

Thankfully long term no bond has been affected, my SC and DD adore each other. We are a family once together.

I appreciate your worry for your children, but speaking from the other end of it and the mum denying contact, it won't affect them long term. Although despite that they shouldnt be being put in this situation.

Much respect for you for what you're doing and a lot of shame on your ex for refusing something that should be a given

I really don't get why he isn't pulling his weight.
The ex and the new gf don't even live together.
They are not even a couple.
What exactly is he doing?
He hasn't given birth.
He is taking the Mick and being quite a dick about it.
Quite frankly he isn't a young kid, he knew the risks he was taking by having unprotected sex (and yes, whether the woman said she was using contraception is irrelevant) he didn't want a child so he should have taken precautions. All this in too of the fact that the woman he was having sex with told him she wanted to get pregnant!
God he sounds like a complete tool.
Op- you can't rely on him but don't let him take the Mick, stand firm.

I think on this occasion i would just keep the kids with you, gives him and his gf time to get to grips with things, also gives your DD time to get use to it. Any more after this you would be well within your rights to be annoyed, but for the sake of 1 night let it slide.

I don't understand why people are expecting you to do more than you already have. You have put your life on hold for the reproductive choices of other people for three weeks already, and are being more than accommodating.

Your ex has made a decision to have 4 children, why are you expected to miss work to accommodate him? You have made a fair enough offer and have been very flexible.

I think they are a couple (for now at least, but the cynic in me can't see it lasting). I've text today asking about the girlfriend and the baby. If all is ok I'm going to insist on him having them tonight. Since his parents live next door, he also has the option of spending a couple of hours with them, putting them to bed then going back to the gf and baby for a few hours too. He hasn't even rung the DC. That's upset me more than anything.

@Cecilandsnail how did it go ?

Did he say he would have the kids ?

I honestly can't believe the double standards on MN.

If you have ever been on the step parent boards and read the posts on there youl know a new Step mum or partner would get abso SLAUGHTERED if she dare suggest her partner have anything but full contact with his kids after bringing a new baby into the world regardless of situation.

And yet here posters are saying OP is BU??

I feel sorry for your DD, and your ex should be going out his way doing what he can to ensure she doesn't feel left out.