Is this a symptom of a condtion

[Vee19811]

My bf possible ex now. He is a succesful data scientist. Really clever man. He does not have many friends by that I mean 2 friends. When I cry it does not seem to effect him in the slightest, no emotional reaction what so ever. If we argue he stone walls me. I'm not an argumetive person. He thinks I'm someone capable of telling lies, being muliputive but that really is not me. His ex wife totally takes up space in his head with arguments... she's not bad it's just their situation but it means he has no head space for me and I don't even have to actually say anything wrong for a kind chesture of mine to end up being something bad. He never says sorry not really but everything he does gets put in me as I have done it. He does not like people much but he says he like me and that when his with me it's nice and calm. That is because I am mostly kind and considerate. Am I missing something? Sex is very rough and he likes to grab my neck. His also warm but does like to dominate during sex. I like it as his never been violent towards me. He gets totally overwhelmed by emotion. I saw him cry once and he was trying to hide it. It broke my heart but I don't understand him

Autism?

Narcissistic personality disorder/borderline personality disorder

or yeah autism.

Clutching at straws really though. But if a person has a problem empathising (not comforting you when you are upset for example) that should really be a red flag...infact im pretty sure someone autistic would still want to comfort you if you were visibly crying..or at least ask you what was up. Seems like it could be the former. But then it could be nothing too. Just, be careful, if something doesn't feel right, it probably isnt right.

Weejo39 yes I had thought this too. Change is a big problem for him. He also really needs a day to himself and im not talking like we all do but he gets totally socially wired and he says he gets exhausted from having to think of what his saying before he says it and it's hard work. He must only be slightly as he can be ok but he completely hates socialising. He is very messy though. The thing is we have a baby together. We don't live together. When we share a bed he never normally stays the whole night until recently. I know not to touch his arms at night and I pretty much stay in the edge of the bed. He reaches his foot out to me and it's taken nearly two years to stay in bed with my the whole night

I remember you from your writings earlier today.

Stop trying to pyschoanalyse him like this; its not doing you any favours at all. He is abusive through and through and that is all you need to know and or understand about him, This is who he is and he is not going to change. The only person who you can help here is your own self, not him.

You have a choice re this man, your baby does not. This person has to follow your lead ultimately. He is showing you many red flags here re his personality and you ignore this at your own risk.

Your earlier thread of today is all here:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3616954-Emotionally-unavailable#87960777

Thing is, OP, it doesn't matter if he is treating you this way because of 'a condition' or because he's a general cunt, or because he's emotionally unavailable, or because planet earth is blue and there's nothing he can do.

He is never going to be the person you want or need him to be.

You cannot change him, and you cannot change the responses you will get on here. Time to change your choices

So if you did manage to tick some boxes and ascribe a label to him - why would it matter? It might explain his abusive behaviour but it doesn’t excuse his abusive behaviour.

Every minute of the day your emotions, energy and headspace are wasted worrying or second guessing his mood are precious minutes that your DC doesn’t have you emotionally nourishing her. Sounds like her DF isn’t attuned to her (whilst he is obsessing about his ex) - so she only has one parent YOU and therefore needs your focus. Bin him.

He does sound as though he has Asperger's syndrome which is not an illness, just a personality variation. He can learn how to behave appropriately by observing how others who are more successful in relationships, act. 'Aspie' people often suffer great anguish because other people don't understand them or find them awkward to be around. However it is not an insurmountable problem. Try to read up on it and you'll learn how to help him.

I must add that it is entirely up to you whether or not you're prepared to put in time and effort to help your man. Not everyone would be, Aspies often have a bad track record when it comes to relationships but no one can blame someone if they walk away. However he is a very lonely person and you already know he responds to kindness.

If you find him too rough in bed, tell him how you would like it to be and he'll certainly adjust his performance and learn new skills. At the moment he knows no different but will appreciate honesty.

Thank you bluerussian. I will have a read as we do have a daughter together and even not romantically involved he will always now be in our lives.

I'm going to write to him but before I do I want to check what this sounds like...

No one has the right to make you feel different to how you are. You don't seem to absorbe my kind nature for what it is.

It feels emotionally muliputive to be so affectionate in person and not put an X at the end of a message when we did before knowing it upsets me.

It is not fair nor decent to take what I have confided in you and say you don't beleive me. This is my past that I shared with you with trust and it hurts very much you could not be respectful of that.

You never actually say your sorry not really and if you can not see the unhealthy hurt this is doing to our relationship and genuiny step forward to work through this and treat this relationship with more respect then yes it is broken and I can not move forward with you.

Op, he sounds abusive.

Rough sex should be discussed beforehand, not just happen - consent is key. Grabbing your neck is very dangerous, pressure in the wrong place or overdoing it could potentially kill you. You have a baby to think of.

Dont start trying to defend yourself and make him see sense. Your desperately seeking his understanding but you will never get it. I read a great booked called stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist. It's not nice but you need to wake up and realise that this man is incapable of love and understanding. Start seeking your reassurance, love and validation elsewhere. Start treating him like a big toddler and stop playing his games. Have you had any counselling? Your desperate need to change him and make him understand you strikes me as being rooted in something else.

I have yes. My mother was abusive. She was cold and put me down a lot. From the age 14 I worked to pay for everything while going to school. I had a scholarship to a private education. I hid the abuse from her as I was embarrassed. Today as a mother I realise how bad and extream it was during my childhood. I thought I broke the cycle, my family crew up on a council estate and my world was divided between two extream cultures. But as strong as I was in my career making film director at such a young age, I was weak in my relationships. Clearly I'm still learning and my poor children are paying the price

I have had a similar experience to you OP. Often children in v difficult / abusive / neglectful situations work v v hard academically to get out of the situation. They become “successful” - but underneath emotionally they are deficient - they did not have a good blueprint to show them how to be in a solid intimate relationship or how to be a good parent. This is not the opposite of what was done to you. A really good psychotherapist will heal you and teach you how to be your best at both.

I understand what your saying but my children are thriving at school. They appear happy and I feel I work very hard at this. I'm a calm person by nature and their needs come first. When I realised I was in an abusive relationship ship that effected them too I left. When I realised they would suffer in my new relationship I took precautions to protect them. I know I have made poor choices with men and that is on me. But I have taken measures to protect them and I know this won't be entirely trace free but they really do come first

Of course they come first but everyone only has a finite amount of physical and emotional energy.

If yours is drained by, and you are preoccupied with, an abusive man - then there is less for your DCs and if they only have one parent they are being short changed emotionally.

This come through negatively later - often when they start their own relationships.

Maybe you should go man free for a bit, prioritise your DCs - they have been exposed to at least 2 abusive relations. Then work on your own psychology so that you don’t pick the wrong guys or they pick you. Choosing to protect your DCs from an abusive relationship is a very low bar - why do they deserve to be even near one?

I of course did not knowingly enter these abusive relationships and we live on our own because I am aware how it effects them.

Even if you live on your own they are being negatively affected indirectly - as they absorb your hurt and sad emotions even if you think you can hide it.

Why not start with protecting yourself from abusive relationships (leaving them/not getting into them) then you won’t need to worry about shielding your children.

But this is what I have done for this reason. I'm starting to feel a little attached here

Yes it can be unsettling to acknowledge that we have unwittingly exposed our children to emotional harm or emotional neglect.

As Maya Angelou said “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Sounds like the symptoms of being an arsehole to be honest (and I'm serious).

BF a general all round cunt? Come to MN for an armchair diagnosis of autism

Aspies aren't generally cunts OP.

Just LT (garden variety) B.

Even if you get a label for his behaviour it won't change the fact that he is abusive. I certainly wouldn't put up with him.

What would you say to a friend who described her DP as doing this shit? You'd advise her to bin him.

One thing that really stuck out to me was:

Sex is very rough and he likes to grab my neck.

It really concerns me that so many people seem to have no idea how easy it is to kill someone by grabbing their neck, even briefly.

Vagal inhibition cam cause sudden death within seconds or a minute or two due to minor trauma or relatively simple and harmless peripheral stimulation.

A doctor told me it's potentially lethal to put pressure on someone's throat, even quite gently.

How Risky Is it to be Choked During Sex?

Do not let your DP (or anyone) put his hands on your neck.

As for sex being very rough, do you enjoy this? Because unless you welcome this you shouldn't be doing it. No one should be having sex that they don't enjoy.