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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a symptom of a condtion

81 replies

Vee19811 · 20/06/2019 20:40

My bf possible ex now. He is a succesful data scientist. Really clever man. He does not have many friends by that I mean 2 friends. When I cry it does not seem to effect him in the slightest, no emotional reaction what so ever. If we argue he stone walls me. I'm not an argumetive person. He thinks I'm someone capable of telling lies, being muliputive but that really is not me. His ex wife totally takes up space in his head with arguments... she's not bad it's just their situation but it means he has no head space for me and I don't even have to actually say anything wrong for a kind chesture of mine to end up being something bad. He never says sorry not really but everything he does gets put in me as I have done it. He does not like people much but he says he like me and that when his with me it's nice and calm. That is because I am mostly kind and considerate. Am I missing something? Sex is very rough and he likes to grab my neck. His also warm but does like to dominate during sex. I like it as his never been violent towards me. He gets totally overwhelmed by emotion. I saw him cry once and he was trying to hide it. It broke my heart but I don't understand him

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Original poster

Vee19811 · 23/06/2019 13:10

I know your absolutely right. The only thing I can do is focus on their needs in their childhood. I'm normally a very positive person but this has just chipped away at me. I realise the problem is that he is unable to see what he is doing or that he has no right to treat me this way.

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Popeyetoday · 23/06/2019 13:41

The kettle bit is interesting.
Can you tell us a bit more Vee

another20 · 23/06/2019 14:05

I realise the problem is that he is unable to see what he is doing or that he has no right to treat me this way.

No you are wrong. That is not the problem.

The problem is that you are able to see what he is doing is wrong and you know that he has no right to treat you this way ..... but YOU are unable to disengage and walk away to protect your children.

Original poster

Vee19811 · 23/06/2019 14:38

I'm not really sure there is anything more to tell 😊 He walked in and clearly started investigating for clues and checked the kettle to see if it was warm or turned it on to play with my head. Either way I'm starting to see what I'm up against and I'm really feeling worried that he just can not see how nuts this is.

And your right it is my fault for going back and it is not fair on my children I need to take responsibility for this and stay away from him and that is in my control

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another20 · 23/06/2019 14:41

What support do you need in RL to be able to do this sustainably Vee ? What is your plan and first steps?

Original poster

Vee19811 · 23/06/2019 18:23

I think last night was the final blow really. I truly realised not only does he not trust me he really dislikes me. That is incredibly painful. His not ever going to be sorry, some how this seed has been planted in his head and it's growing, but that aside I can see he really thinks so very little of me. Now I need space to heal and except this has gone past ever being able to be fixed. Unless he took up councling with me which I know he would not because it's just not worth that too him. I need to focus on my children's needs. The idea we are going to be this big happy family just won't happen. I have found out today that I will get my half of the house from my ex so at least now I will have the money to get us more security and buy something again. Very good timing for us with facing our new future if doing this alone.

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HollowTalk · 23/06/2019 18:27

I nearly had a panic attack when I read "he grabbed my neck" - why does that ring huge alarm bells for you? What do you think a relationship should be like? Do you think that's normal behaviour? (And that's disregarding all of the rest - each individual incident is a really good reason to leave him.)

HollowTalk · 23/06/2019 18:27

I think this man is really dangerous.

Original poster

Vee19811 · 23/06/2019 18:43

I bought the sex thing up as a character discription. He really does not force this on me. It was more that he likes dominating the sex and I'm ok with that as he would never hurt me that way. I don't think he intentional hurts me emotionally I think it's just how he sees it and I know that does not make it better. I also know it's not healthy

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Original poster

Vee19811 · 23/06/2019 18:46

Our sex life was good. Honestly he would not force me to do anything that upset me

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another20 · 23/06/2019 18:47

“I think last night was the final blow...”
“Unless he took up counselling with me....”

Are you still holding open the door in the hope that this relationship will work?

Why are you continuing to prioritise this man and deprive your children of your emotional focus?

Swellerellamoo · 23/06/2019 20:18

For god's sake dont tell him you have money. I bet he doesn't have any financial security and go after it like a dog with a bone. Watch out.

Original poster

Vee19811 · 23/06/2019 20:27

I understand what your saying but hecreally is very good with children and my 3 year old looks as him as a father.

The problem is with me allowing someone to treat me this way. I did try really hard not to let it happen but it all went wrong when I fell pregnant. It was so early and he wanted to abort... I thought I did too as the timing was dreadful but abortion does not sit well with me. I thought I was a good mother and I spoke with a doctor that works with this issue in particular. It felt wrong I could not get the picture out of my head. I knew it would likely destroy my relationship and I knew it was not fair to him, but my whole body and heart felt I could not go through with it. He was ofcourse mad with me which was to be expected. But he then later asked me to prove I had a coil fitted. He said he thought I tricked him into getting pregnant. My only reaction was to cry. I really did not want to get pregnant my life was good and I had started to really feel like I had everything in place and up again. I thought I met this sweet charming intelligent man. Our time together was just so effortless and exciting. He was this nerdy guys in his black frame glasses with a tweed coat. Completely different from the surf guy I normally go for. But he struggled with depression. He would close down and get overwhelmed. I was understanding and supportive. I wanted to help, but somehow along the way I seem to of become his enemy I ruined his life. I guess I felt I has done and I took red flags and let them slip. Fast forward to today and I can't understand what goes on in his head. It could be really beautiful but he has all these negative thoughts

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Original poster

Vee19811 · 24/06/2019 02:59

So I just woke with my daughter, I'm a bit on edge with her since our hospitial trip. She seems totallygobevuf I wake with ever slight sound.

I was just reading about love bombing and when you don't do what they want they withheld their gifts and effectiin. So since I have not given him what he wanted we have still been together but he stopped buying flowers, saying I love you or supporting me emotionally. He started to give it slightly but I think this is now because he wanted the holiday and for me to say yes. Then when I said I could not attend after a week long of being ignored once again from him and him telling me basically his going to keep me at arms length till I give him what he wanted re the doc evidence from my previous abusive ex he really showed his true colours. Not only that it really seems to have no lengths he won't go to to justify it. I'm now worried about our daughter we have a scan back at the hospital this week and I can't even talk to him about it. This is completely nuts.

I am getting there, i know with this last event I can't go back to him

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Original poster

Vee19811 · 24/06/2019 03:26

I am realising when I'm at a good place it's either because his not in my life and I've excepted this as that has happened a few times now. Or because his behaviour is nice. The horrible feeling of me getting really low hits me when either my good gesture somehow eta turned into a negative one and he tells me I'm someone that I'm not. Or he hits his dissapearing button and I feel with feeling abandoned and worthless. This pattern repeats constantly and I feel very up and down because of it. I'm also realising he expects from me what he won't give himself to me.

I know this is not ever going to be a healthy relationship and I don't feel the issue does sit with me. Your right I can't be the best mum I can be by having this emotional rollercoaster ride with him all the time.

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Original poster

Vee19811 · 24/06/2019 03:45

I'm the glue for my family and I'm the person that can keep my children safe. I'm not engaging in this emotional rollercoaster futher.

I'm not going to let him into my house again, no matter the emotional blackmail he uses.

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another20 · 24/06/2019 09:17

I'm not going to let him into my house again, no matter the emotional blackmail he uses.

That’s good - now need to get him out of your HEAD....you will need RL help with this.

Original poster

Vee19811 · 24/06/2019 10:28

Sorry what is RL? Not sure I know what that stands for. Thank you

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/06/2019 10:32

RL - real life

Original poster

Vee19811 · 24/06/2019 13:37

My friends have clearly talked about this and have organised a get together. I told one of my friends last night everything and he said that he has been worried about me for over a year now and that he felt I was being really poorly treated but did not know how to tell me. But now he knows everything he is really shocked and organised a get together of a group of my friends. I feel bad talking about my bf/ex now but I really need support on this because with everything I can't Handel this. I've not talked on this site before and I'm finding it really helpful even if knowone is reading 😊 It's just putting it out there I've had enough and it's time to take back my life. I've been excitedly looking at buying some land and I'm trying to think positively about life. I know there are going to be many up days and down days but I feel greatful for my friends.,

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TowelNumber42 · 24/06/2019 17:03

Good friends are the best. Good luck!

Original poster

Vee19811 · 25/06/2019 05:35

I'm now learning about narcissism behaviour. I'm realising that my mother was one and that I have my abusive ex was one and this current failed relationship. My last dicks all the boxes. I really can't beleive it. so apparently I attracted them.

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Original poster

Vee19811 · 25/06/2019 05:36

Meant ticks!!! 🙈

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Original poster

Vee19811 · 25/06/2019 06:24

So I'm now feeling totally scared. His ex wife just told me that she spoke to him yesterday and warned me that she talked about her concerns over how this relationship is very up and down. She is completely right. She also said to him that she thought I was nice and was really trying to say to him to basically treat me better but she said that's not how she thinks he intreprtated it. So as well as everything I'm totally terrified what else is now coming my way. His ex wife has always been very kind to me. She told me the things he did to her and he is doing those things to me. I feel I'm effecting all there lives and it my fault for excepting this relationship back so many times and she is very right to be saying what she is saying. I can only remove myself from him and hope it helps our children feel less affected. I feel totally ashamed right now.

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Original poster

Vee19811 · 25/06/2019 06:26

I think today might be a very low day as I feel the out of my stomach sinking

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