Is this a symptom of a condtion

[Vee19811]

My bf possible ex now. He is a succesful data scientist. Really clever man. He does not have many friends by that I mean 2 friends. When I cry it does not seem to effect him in the slightest, no emotional reaction what so ever. If we argue he stone walls me. I'm not an argumetive person. He thinks I'm someone capable of telling lies, being muliputive but that really is not me. His ex wife totally takes up space in his head with arguments... she's not bad it's just their situation but it means he has no head space for me and I don't even have to actually say anything wrong for a kind chesture of mine to end up being something bad. He never says sorry not really but everything he does gets put in me as I have done it. He does not like people much but he says he like me and that when his with me it's nice and calm. That is because I am mostly kind and considerate. Am I missing something? Sex is very rough and he likes to grab my neck. His also warm but does like to dominate during sex. I like it as his never been violent towards me. He gets totally overwhelmed by emotion. I saw him cry once and he was trying to hide it. It broke my heart but I don't understand him

He never makes me do anything during sex I don't want to do. If it's too much he stops that's never been an issue.

The reason I'm trying to understand is if it is that his on the spectrum then his intention is different to how I'm taking it. I know it won't change his behaviour but it will change my understanding and I can put boundaries in place. Like I said his really good to the children and it's calm between us but I'm concerned about what I have previously said.

He's just another garden variety abusive asshole.

Get CM for your DC, work out a visitation, and forget about him.

Do the Freedom Programme and stay away from men for awhile. With 4 DC, consider if you don't wish to have anymore, getting tubes tied.

You deserve much better than this twat.

OMG - I have just read your thread from yesterday. He is so emotionally abusive and unavailable and you are just his shag bag.

As I've always said to friends that have questioned their relationship.

If a close friend told you the same as what you're saying, what would you advise?

Then do it ... Simples

OP how can you tell him to stop if he’s got his hands round your throat?Seriously, choking is very dangerous, and if it’s during sex then he’s not exactly at his most in control. Plenty of men have choked women to death during sex, oh so depressingly many.Don’t be the next one.

Don't send that message. Write such things for yourself then discard them.

I know loads of data scientists and IT people. Many are on the spectrum. The vast majority show no sign of being abusive. Most have "have learned how to fake being human" (direct quote from a colleague about himself), i.e. have put effort into learning the rules of social engagement that do not come naturally, because they are nice people who want to try to get along with others.

Selfishness seems to be at the root of most abuse. It is not at the root of autism or aspergers.

Your bf sounds like a selfish dick who might also have autism.

He needs to be your ex not your bf. Deal with that first with minimum drama and blame (it's not working for me, I want to just be friends and co-parents) then sit down with him to work out a co-parenting plan.

I'm going to do the freedom programme. Reading everyone reaction to his actions I feel I'm really not feeling the full weight of his wrongness and that is clearly I'm excepting too much. Thank you all so much for all your replies it really helps. I'm new to netmums and wow I feel like I've been missing a trick

Feeling a complete wreck. My daughter had what a body convulsion twice. Once at home I took her in and she had one in A&e they checked her over and we were home 3 hours later which I feel a little vulnerable about if I'm honest. I phoned my bf well ex for sure now and I could not get through... finally got through via text and when ever I called him he did not pick up saying he was trying to call me, but I had no miss calls from him. I got a taxi home in the end as I also had my 3 year old with and she exhausted. He turns up and I'm just putting them to bed around 9pm and I come down stairs feeling totally fried with everything. I'm telling him about it and he said I don't beleive you and I had just about enough. I told him to get out of my house. I really could not believe it. He then text to say I had time to change and my kettle was warm. I was still in my dress and I said there is no way my kettle could be warm not even thinking why the hell us he checking my kettle heat. Any way I then went to the kitchen and it was warm not hot but warm which made no sense to me as I had not long been back and was out for over 3 hours. I live literally 5 min from the hospital. His making me feel totally nuts. I just don't understand this picture he has of me. I'm so on edge over what happened to my baby then this with him all feels so surreal.

I'm new to netmums and wow I feel like I've been missing a trick

We're Mumsnet

Glad it's helping.

He’s abusing you and you trying to understand him is you trying to find reasons to stay.

Woke feeling totally crushed. Barley slept. After last night I've been thinking it's time to really say enough is enough. I can't turn to him about Lottie or my needs and I've gone over it in my head a dozen times. He wanted to stare at my face he said look at me, he would of seen I was totally exhausted but also hurt from what he was accusing me of. Why would he do this... did he turn the kettle on and off and if so why? I just don't understand. After my previous abusive relationship I promised myself I would respect myself more. But the thing I find hard is he must really Beleive this stuff I mean why would you treat someone this way but then if he did why have me around at all. I'm tired on so many levels and I feel I have to prove myself to him all the time. but he has done me a favour as his behaviour is increasingly getting worse. I had him swearing at me yesterday and telling me that he could not cancel our holiday. Which is a whole other story. While going through court he started to ask about going away. If I'm honest I had so many fears go through my head which should tell me something. First one it's with him and his family what if he kicks me out again and I'm with my children in the middle of knowhere. Then when it came to cost I assumed it would be split equally between the adults but they are doing it between the children too so I would be paying most of it. His sister pays for his share if the holiday every year so I felt quite surprised butin too polite to say anything. Then after a bit of talking his dad offered to cover a bit more which was nice but it would cost me £1000 so when he was suggesting it could not be cancelled and that I had to pay either way I completely panicked. When I said I would talk to his sister and the holiday booking he started swearing at me and saying how selfish I was. I'm not working with 4 children and loads going on with court and now this. I just find all of it insane and can not see where his coming from in this.

You're overthinking again and trying to find the justifications for his behaviour but there isn't any. He does this to hurt you and he does this because he can. Do you have any supportive friends because you would be better off calling them if you need to off load rather than this idiot. He doesn't love you, support you or respect you. I'm glad you told him to leave but how you need to end it and mean it. I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. You clearly dont need his stress right now and he adds nothing to your life that is good.

Thank you. I am realising no good can come from staying with. When his nice and his affectionate it's really quite beautiful. I keep holding onto that, but your right he does not care really. I want this to be something it can never be. I think my problem is I feel other people's pain so whole heartedly that I put my own wellbeing to one side to help them. I worry about asking for help incase I'm seen as a burden and I'm embarssed about my situation of choosing poorly in relationships. I can see my bf/ex is clearly in pain and I want to help but it seems to be costing me and our children so much. I have for the first time put boundaries in place and this was hard for me. The amount of times I've just wanted to show him proof but had to stop myself for frear if falling into the same trap as my previous relationship is hard. But it won't end last night showed me that. We're going back next week for a scan for my daughter. His never here and he can't even be available on the phone then when I really need him he just adds more stress to an already very stressful situation. I whole heartedly just wanted it to be great. But I don't receive basic things from him. I had no mothered day card or birthday card, he really does not seem to give me anything where I would feel rewarded in any way. I know if a friend told me anything like this I would say what on earth are you doing. So why do I keep getting drawn back in?

I have friends that are really supportive. I'm just embarssed to tell them everything his doing to me. I'm also very scared how much harder he will make my life now. When we have been on a break before he always acted as though nothing happened and would want to come into the house. This was hard for me for a few reasons, I love him and I want to be with him but he treats me so poorly at times and acts as if it's nothing which leaves me feeling really uncomfortable with all the things his accussing me of. Then small things. Like I wanted to sort the garden out for the children to have more of a play area so I ask to borrow some of his gardening tools. He said he would rather not right now. In the end my neighbours all helped as they saw me crying in the garden and it all just spilled out of me as all I wanted to do was create a nice playing area for the children. I was digging up slate stoves and laying grass to put a soft ground area for then to have a climbing frame. Why does he feel so strongly to treat me this way and keep me around?

Because he's a cruel, selfish man and you deserve beyond better. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Pls contact women's aid and be as honest as you can irl too with friends. Unmumnetty hugs xx

The thing is his ex wife offers more emotional support then he does. His been responding in text to leave me alone and I can't trust you. I'm really not sure how to respond to this. We have a daughter together and his sewing oats to make it impossible to co parent together. He says his ex wife runs around telling everyone all kinds of lies but from what I'm receiving she seems really nice and his the one that lacks understanding of how you should treat people. I don't like how he makes me feel about myself and I know it's not true but it really effects me. I've tried everything. I don't treat him this way why is it he feels he can treat me this way? In his mind he turns it all around I beleive he believes all of this perhaps because I can't understand why anyone would waste so much energy saying and doing these negative things.

Sorry I'm just ranting now. I know I need to move on and have as little contact with him as possible as this is getting seriously worse

He's not even interested in his children is he? He'll most likely fuck off completely after a period of fury at you not taking his shit any more. Cut contact as much as possible. Detach. Detach. Detach. Rely on him for nothing. Ask no favours.

It's very clear that you are in an abusive relationship. It's very hard to get out of once you are in one but there is a lot of support available in RL. Get some for the sake of your children and yourself.

I don't think I can fault him in wanting to be a good father. His just not around much to help with our daughter. But this is really to do with our situation. He works full time... 3 days in London 2 days from his home. He has his children 50%. I understand this is tiring but I also have commitments where I don't get a break at all and when he just refuses to even be present by phone or he does not even bother to show a weekend it really annoys me. I wanted to go away one weekend and he just ranted at me as he said it meant he could not see his daughter. The fact was he had 5 days off work the week before and went away she is still young so I wa a little anoyed. He then messaged last min to say he was also going away when he got back for a long weekend. It just seems one rule for him and another for me. But he always has a way of justifying it and it's once again me behaving selfishly

Unless he really apologised for how he treated me I won't return. I can't love someone who clearly has no emotions for me. His just not going to apologise or change and I have had healthy relationships when I was younger so I do know it does not need to be this hard. I just need to heal and stop thinking his going to turn up with a big bunch of flowers and tell me he loves me and be my prince in shinning armour.

I hate feeling so hurt by this. It's horrible loving someone that won't ever love you back. I'm feeling totally cruelty treated while at the same guilt ridden for the things he says about me. I just want to stop caring about him and move my life on. His opionuin of me I find totally crushing. I keep trying to find ways to think we have a chance but he totally blows any chance of us getting to a good place. He says such insanely cruel things. It really could not be further from who I am, so why does it make me feel I have something to be ashamed of?

I think I have been trying to stay strong for so long now that I'm now worried I have finally hit the depression I've been trying so hard not to surface. I'm going through in my mind conversations his had with me about my ex. Asking if I could arrange my brother and friends to sort out my ex and a year ago offerring for him and his sisters bf to sort him out and scare him. I'm teddies of my ex and now I'm worried I also need to scared of him too. The weight of feeling scared and mistreated has really taken a toll on me. I'm so tired and I'm not sure I have any pulling through power left anymore.

Do the Freedom Programme. Your boundaries are fucked. Get your boundaries sorted and your life will improve dramatically.

And, yes, you should be scared of him and yes you do now have another abusive ex. Keep them all as far away from you as possible. Do the Freedom Programme to help you do that and to reduce the chances of you ending up with the third abusive ex in a couple of years time.

Your depression is surfacing because you are living under the incredible toil of his abuse and trying to turn this tanker around. You may also have PND which is being exacerbated by this toxic mess. You need MH support.

Leave him. Cut contact and the load will be lighter and the depression could shift/lift.

Your children will soon be parentless (if they are not already) emotionally if you slide into depression. Your head in consumed with these men - it should be focused 100% on the emotional needs of your children who have already been emotionally short changed. You cannot be in two emotional places at once - and you are sucked into the negativity, conflict and game playing with your ex’s and not positively engaged with your children.

Drop the rope and look to heal yourself for your children’s sake. Cut these men out of your life. Arrange a rigid contact schedule for the next year - set in stone. Only make contact by email once a week. Get family / friends to do handover if you need this.

Take yourself out of punching distance so that your children have a chance.