Dating...but no sex?!

[jaffa678]

I’ve changed my name for this. So I’ve been dating a guy for approx 7 weeks and we’ve met up around 10 times. He’s lovely, very good looking , charming, seems very interested in me, we have some lovely conversations and There’s a massive spark between us when we’re together.

Ok, so because of previous relationship break downs I’m currently back at home with my parents and so is he. It’s a temporary situation for us both.

However, I feel really frustrated haha! After 10dates we’ve only kissed, nothing more! He doesn’t talk about it! Or ever mention it. It’s just we have a really great date and then kiss bye and that’s it!! I have not dtd now since December !! And it’s driving me insane haha! I’m quite a quiet person so I would never dream of bringing it up to him. He mentioned about us going away in august! But that’s forever! And even then he was like it would be great to spend some time together lots of cuddles! Haha I feel like I am the one with the testosterone here!! What’s going on??!!

Why are you laughing "haha" that shit ain't funny, this is serious, you need your leg over pronto! Arrange a night out in another city/town and book a hotel

I am not sure all men are as ready to jump on us as we assume. I dont think I would really like a man to be expecting sex after a date or two.
When I met DP it was nearly 6 months. I knew I had a bad time before but he also had a worrying history. Take time to get closer naturally rather than having expectations of instant sex

I was once told by a friend that they (male) didn't like to have sex until they really got to know someone.

I don't think men get our hints, I think you have to being very blunt with them sometimes

This! It took DP to jump me in a silk nightie for me to get the message

Well if you can’t talk to him about this I’m not sure you should be having sex with him. Just say something like “ So what’s happening with us?” Then go from there.

Well if you can’t talk to him about this I’m not sure you should be having sex with him.

This

You want to share bodily fluids with someone but talking about swapping bodily fluids with them is a no, no?

Your ‘jokey’ persona ain’t fooling anyone. It’s your insecurity blanket and an obvious one at that. Think about the dynamic that not vocalising you wants and needs contributes to your relationships.

The best advocate for your needs being met is you, get in the very good habit of being your own advocate!

The bit that gives off alarm bells for me is when he said he is looking forward to going away in August for lots of cuddles. Is that a euphemism? Is he a shy reserved type? Or maybe he is just not very sexual.

After one of the lingering kisses, I'd say "I wish there was somewhere more private we could go..."

@AgentJohnson when I say jokey persona I mean light hearted approach. We’ve both been in very long term relationships that were serious and have children, so what I’m trying to say, is we are trying to keep things light hearted and fun. Weve communicated about liking each other, but what I am trying to gauge is how early is it to mention sex.

He's wanted to dtd from the moment he met you. He's nervous about escalating things further and is taking his time not to rush you out of respect.

I think you may need to be a little more overt in your communication, or be very patient.

@SkinnyPete I think he is quite nervous, it’s normally me who says things first and trueness he follows suite. I said I quite liked him and he messaged back and said he likes me a lot. So maybe he just needs prompting 🙈

"maybe it’s still viewed as a taboo subject when it comes to women initiating it!"
Maybe so, but that's probably why a lot of women end up unsatisfied with sex, because they're not asking for what they want.
But it's true what another poster said that you can't assume he will want it yet either.
Sometimes it's easier to text things than say them. You could text him, "I really enjoyed kissing you. I'd like to take this further with you." Then if he agrees, say " What do you think about booking a hotel?"
Good luck, and have a fantastic time! You won't regret it.

@spritesobright thank you yes I will mention about going away somewhere fun for the night and that may be a big hint. Yes I agree will be much easier to bring it up on text.

I have not dtd now since December !! And it’s driving me insane haha!

Christ. I've not had sex in years. I'm surprised I've not been placed in an asylum.

But seriously, neither of you have your own place, so what do you expect? I can't imagine either of you feels comfortable with the idea of shagging with your parents in the next room and he probably thinks he's a bit old for a quick fumble in the back seat of the car.

He is probably also making sure you realise he's not just after sex. How about - scary idea - you suggest having a weekend away together? Haha

No, I don't know why I put hahha there either, just following your lead OP

"I don't think men get our hints, I think you have to being very blunt with them sometimes"

Misinterpreting those hints might mean being labelled a creep who is Only After One Thing, so you can see why many men would be cautious.

I had sex with new DP very early on, but afterwards, there didn't seem to be much of him 'trying it on' and I very much felt like the much keener one. I brought it up and he laughed because he was trying to be respectful and not make it appear like he is only after one thing and I was taking it as he wasn't overly interested which wasn't the case at all!

Just ask him OP. But then I'm pretty direct when I want something.

Go, gerbil

My kind of girl

Yes I suppose men have got to find that balance between not being seen as a ‘creep’ after one thing and seeming interested. Hopefully this is a good sign that he likes me as he’s waiting. Will feel the need to update on here when (or if) it happens 🙈

Does he get physically turned on when you kiss him,(can you see or feel this) or is he quite dispassionate?

It sounds as though he is being cautious because of previous failed relationship. That's understandable. It will be different when either or both of you move out from mum and dad's - which I hope will be in the not too distant future. Perhaps you could work on that, get on Rightmove and look for rentals. I would prioritise that over anything else.

Thinking about it, neither of you having a place of your own could be a big issue for him. He probably feels unsettled by it.

@Unburnished he seems to always want to kiss me quite passionately. He’s put his hand on my leg a few times when we’ve been sat at a table, he’s always leaning into me and sitting really close. But I haven’t noticed him getting turned on as such but he does seem like he wants to be pretty close.
@Bluerussian yes I think the fact we haven’t got our own places is a massive thing. My circumstances are that I’m 29 with DD who is 3 and I’m doing a PhD so unfortunately I’m on council list and trying to hold out for a good property which is hard to come by due to my finances. He is in the process of getting mortgage set up on a house, he’s 10 years older and has 2 little ones. So the age gap / different stages of life probably not helping lots.

Thanks jaffa, I think I understand better now. If your boyfriend is sorting out a mortgage, presumably he'll be getting his own place before long and things will move on. Him being a little older and having two young children means he doesn't want to jump into something quickly which is quite sensible, plus he's learned to be 'cool' about sex.

Enjoy the relationship for what it is at the moment!

What kind of antics are you looking for here OP? If it's straight missionary stuff I think you can be confident he'll say yes - why else would he still be going for dates?

If you're looking to tie the poor lad up and go at him with a black mamba, you may need to think about how you frame the chat

It took me climbing in to bed naked next to dh who was in a t-shirt and boxers, he still was not getting it even after I put his hand on my ass ,I think I grabbed his bits and said forcefully I want some of this. He was such a gentleman! We still laugh about our first ahem night together, 12 years later

I've heard a lot of times when a bloke really likes a woman he will keep his opinions about her to himself. He will also take his time getting to know her before sex. If he's not bothered he will just shag it straight away as meaningless sex.