What should I do?

[Takeadeepbreath12]

After a suggestion from a good friend who is on mumsnet I am turning to you all for a bit of advice.

My partner and I have been together 4 years and 7 month old. Things started out great but a couple of years into the relationship he changed and became disrespectful verging on abusive (has shoved me before), constant ‘jokes’ and wearing down my confidence.

Upon finding out about my pregnancy I decided to stay with him but things have only got worse and he has no interest in our child, which is an understatement. I tried to leave him once however I was also suffering from PND and didn’t have the strength to follow through. Anyway 2 weeks ago I came to stay at my mums to help her as she had recently had an operation, initially I was only meant to stay a couple of days but i ending up injuring myself so stayed here longer than intend. My partner had come around 3 times in that time, each time telling me he doesn’t want our child knowing my mum better than him (he has always been a bit weird with my family esp since I gave birth) anyway all of this brought up how I felt and how unhappy I am. So I told him I wasn’t happy that I don’t want to be with him anymore, from this I get told that I’m to blame, that I’m always making unilateral decisions and that I always tell him I’ll be back on x date and then change my mind. The only time this happened was when I was suffering from PND. So he backs me into the corner, gets me to agree to come back on a certain date.. even though I don’t want this relationship anymore. Now has gone back to acting like nothing ever happened when I said look this doesn’t change how I feel he tells me it’ll blow over.

Anyway my question is do I go back? I’m going back on my word if I don’t, but it isn’t like it’s a written contract.. you know like I have to do it, yet I feel like I must go back.

You don't want to remain in the relationship.
Are there financial considerations like joint mortgage?

Don't go back.

So what if he made you say you would, agreements bullied out of you are worthless.

You have the perfect opportunity now just to end things and move on from there. Take it.

@MikeUniformMike, no mortgage it is all under his name.

Just don’t like feeling like I’m upsetting him or that I’m not being true to my word. But I did say I don’t want this.

Please don't go back op. You've told him you want to end the relationship. He doesn't need to agree or get to run roughshod over your decision. He has ground you down so YOU feel bad about hurting HIM. He is abusive and manipulative. He has no respect for you and no interest in your dc, he only wants control over you both.

Say you've had a think about it and can't go on with the relationship and will not be discussing this anymore. Don't give him the chance to persuade you or gaslight you into thinking it's your fault. If he tries, just keep repeating, it's over.

But he's got no problem upsetting you, shoving you, making digs at you. He's emotionally and physically abusive and it is very likely to escalate.

You don't need his agreement to end the relationship - it's done, you don't want to be in it anymore.

Going back would mean you're not being true to yourself, it tells him he's in control and it drags it out longer, because you then have to break up again and find a way to leave.

Don't engage with him, he's a DICK. Don't go back

Don't go back. He's got you feeling like you would be 'bad' to go 'back on your word' (even though he backed you into a corner and made you say you were coming home when it is NOT what you want) - when we are with his sort we are made to feel as if we are the one that is unreliable or immoral or fickle. You AREN'T. And yet - be you keep feeling like you have to prove that. But here's the thing, you don't. Stop trying to prove your goodness to him. He isn't worth it.

You made your choice, you don't want to be with him. That isn't something he has a say in. And it doesn't make you a bad person to make that choice-it is your right.

Ive felt that too OP, bullied into trying again, guilty at the thought of hurting him even though it never stops him from hurting me, EA not physically. I feel miserable and I'm too sick to deal with leaving currently. I wish I'd done it 4 months ago when I wanted too. Don't go back, you know how you feel deep down. Not wanting to hurt someone isn't a good enough reason to stay.

He bullied and coerced you into backing down. Reinstate your original decision to end things and do not feel guilty. Tell him that you’ve changed your mind.

He is physically and emotionally abusive, and he shows no interest in your baby. It would damage your child to be raised in this environment.

Stay strong. Don’t go back.

If you go back now, you're only putting off the evil day. You'll carry on suffering until you finish it. What's the point?

Your friend suggested MN as she’s tried & failed at telling you not to go back hasn’t she & you have said your position is that you should forget any chance of happiness because you feel obliged to return to the man who makes your life a misery is making you feel guilty.
Step back- pretend it’s your pal with this problem- your advice would be don’t go back. There is not even one positive to going back- write a list pro/con - good luck you are strong enough to see this through & leave him, he’s no good

Thanks for replying. Don't go back. It won't get better if you do. He is abusive.
Concentrate on yourself and your DC.

@Pantsomime, not so much that I’m not listening to my friend.. I know it’s the right thing to do but just this guilt feeling. As far as my friend is concerned I have the right to end things regardless if I’ve agreed to go back. I guess for me I know he’ll try and argue about it so i need to shut that down and it’s probably good it isn’t face to face.

Think a comment tipped my over the edge to, told me he has given me free reign what more do I want.. free reign as if I don’t have my own freedom.

Why are you feeling guilty and why do you need his permission for anything? You can decide you want to leave him even if the “reason” is simply that it’s a Wednesday. The point is you don’t have to have a reason. Or explanation. You are your own person with your own mind and your own personality. He doesn’t suit you anymore. You don’t want him. Fair enough. It’s tough what he wants. You get to decide what you want because you are a person in your own right. He can still see his kid and support the child and that’s fine but you’ve decided the relationship is over. He doesn’t own you. You aren’t his property but he’s acting like you are. Say “no” and stick to it. Message him and say “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want you anymore. The relationship is over and I’m staying here”

Free reign? WTF? For that alone I’d be “you’re dumped, you controlling dickwad” done and dusted.

Oh and free reign is what you use to describe farm animals so that shows you what he thinks of you. What a self entitled prick.

OP you are in charge of you don’t forget that -as long as you are not breaking the law- in this country you have a right to live how you want & with who you want - it’s your choice. Practise his lines in your head, look in the mirror & argue your point & repeat, repeat we are over - then do it

Would it help to look at it from his perspective OP? If you were him would you want someone to come back/stay with you just because they felt guilty or sorry for you? I wouldn't want anyone to be with me out of pity, would you?

Of course the reality is he's an abusive arsehole who doesn't deserve your guilt or your pity and you should leave him without a backward glance but if you still feel a sense of responsibility for his feelings maybe reframing it in your mind as not being fair to him for you to go back when you clearly don't want to might make it easier for you?

I absolutely agree with Single, going back now is just delaying the inevitable and prolonging the agony, this is a golden opportunity for you to reclaim your real 'free reign', freedom from him.

I promise I'm not pointing this out to be a grammar arsehole: bear with me. The correct spelling is

free rein.

It's got nothing to do with reigning, which is what the Queen does. Free rein is what you give to working animals. It's the release of a grip on the leather strap that you use to control them, allowing them to move at their own pace.

That's why I'm being a spelling arsehole (sorry): to point out how demeaning this phrase really is. It's not his place to slacken or tighten the grip on your freedom. You're not an animal under his control.

I'm joining in all the sensible voices telling you not to go back. You'll be so much happier without him.

I had spotted it but hadn't commented

Same here Mike

Thought something didn’t look right, but all my intelligence went out the window once DC came along ha I kid, not all but certainly a few cells went. Not a problem @PollyEsterblouse.

But thank you all for your comments, logically I know I don’t need his permission but just feel like I do but I only need my own.

@Hidingtonothing, I think yours is a good option trying to see it from his side.. just to push me through. And also just repeating it’s over, it has been for some time I just kept allowing him to get into my head and convince me other wise.

A part of me thought well he must love us, he says he misses us and wants us back etc but his actions say something completely different and really he only wants us back to so he doesn’t have to explain things to his own family. Keep up the pretence as it were.

Well the pretence stops now. Words are easy, actions count for FAR more. What do think he misses? Being able to put you down, push you around? Or the child he showed little interest in?

@Queen, I couldn’t even tell you, when we are there he is either moaning or more interested in any screen he can get his hands on. And probably the process of pushing me down which he finds funny. Probably just wants us back because it’s convenient for him, he can see DC for a few minutes each day and I’m just there to do the child caring and housework