What should I do?

[Takeadeepbreath12]

After a suggestion from a good friend who is on mumsnet I am turning to you all for a bit of advice.

My partner and I have been together 4 years and 7 month old. Things started out great but a couple of years into the relationship he changed and became disrespectful verging on abusive (has shoved me before), constant ‘jokes’ and wearing down my confidence.

Upon finding out about my pregnancy I decided to stay with him but things have only got worse and he has no interest in our child, which is an understatement. I tried to leave him once however I was also suffering from PND and didn’t have the strength to follow through. Anyway 2 weeks ago I came to stay at my mums to help her as she had recently had an operation, initially I was only meant to stay a couple of days but i ending up injuring myself so stayed here longer than intend. My partner had come around 3 times in that time, each time telling me he doesn’t want our child knowing my mum better than him (he has always been a bit weird with my family esp since I gave birth) anyway all of this brought up how I felt and how unhappy I am. So I told him I wasn’t happy that I don’t want to be with him anymore, from this I get told that I’m to blame, that I’m always making unilateral decisions and that I always tell him I’ll be back on x date and then change my mind. The only time this happened was when I was suffering from PND. So he backs me into the corner, gets me to agree to come back on a certain date.. even though I don’t want this relationship anymore. Now has gone back to acting like nothing ever happened when I said look this doesn’t change how I feel he tells me it’ll blow over.

Anyway my question is do I go back? I’m going back on my word if I don’t, but it isn’t like it’s a written contract.. you know like I have to do it, yet I feel like I must go back.

he sounds fucking exhausting OP, don't meet him.

Didn’t have much choice as my mum and sister weren’t here when he arrived... but I still haven’t gone back.

He did however burst into tears (I have never, ever seen him cry before... I actually thought he couldn’t cry) that was really difficult to see someone who rarely shows little emotion like that. But I stuck to my guns, he is however asking about couples therapy which I said I will think about.. just playing back on today wondering if it was genuine or merely a very good performance.

Couples therapy is never recommended when one partner is abusive, OP. He will simply manipulate the therapist and try to make everything your fault.

He's not a good man, he's trying every nice guy trick to get you back. If you fall for it, you'll find it that much harder to leave next time. If you stick to yourself true then i suspect you will see the truth, nasty guy.

Write down all the reasons you don't want or need him. Keep reminding yourself of them. Have 'abusive and coercive' at the top.

I am really trying to do that @NauseousMum, especially after seeing those tears, think for a second I was like oh no let me go back and also give him a hug. But I didn’t.. I think because I do have such a big heart I wonder if he is being genuine and just very immature.

Tears, used the way he is, are manipulative. I suspect you will see the genuine man the longer you refuse him.

Need to remind myself of that, if it takes ending it for someone to realise/or not how shit they’re what does it say about them

Crocodiles always keep a tissue handy for those manipulative tears...

So I’m still at my mums, P after his crying has been super nice.. supportive, asking for therapy, throwing out compliments. I already told him I’m not coming back now he is asking if I’d be up for coming back this weekend.

Is this the typical MO for this type of partner ?

Sounds par for the course OP. I think there's a script on this sort of rubbish they spout.

Hes not listening to your words or your actions, it's all about Him, what he wants, what his needs are. He's a classic manipulative abuser.

Even trying to kiss me, then when he left saying to our DC I guess I’ll see you in a week. Yup we both know how long it’ll be, do you really need to state it?!

Could do with a bit of advice. So XP is trying to mind fuck me I think. Telling me the only reason he hasn’t been able to bond with our DC is because I am BFing and that anytime he did something like change her nappy I would correct him on how to do it, but he only done her nappies on a few occasions and once he done it so tight it was cutting into her skin so of course if it looks uncomfortable or painful I’m going to say something.

He had on a few occasions left her unattended on our bed when she had pretty much mastered rolling over, telling me he could see her from the living room while he was on the sofa (I was in the bathroom unaware until I got back) or at 6weeks old put her up against the arm of sofa when my sisters had told him not too and she obviously sled down in between him and the sofa, he laughed and they gave him what for. So I think I became very vigilant around him with her as anytime he was left she was either ignored or put into dangerous situations. But now I’m questioning my own sanity.. did I cause him not to bond with his child? Should I have supervised and encouraged more?

Nope. Nope. Nope. He is being true to form and making it all your fault. It's not. Not your fault. Stop accepting blame. Stop engaging except when you have to. Stop defending yourself. It is all water under the bridge and it doesn't matter. He will never accept fault or accept that your reasons for leaving are valid. He will do everything he can to ensure that you know it was your fault. You will not win in his game, just stop playing. Arrange a time and place for the next contact and then block. Get on a stable contact schedule asap so you don't have to engage and then have someone else handover until you have more distance.

You are trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person - it's exhausting and you will never 'win'. You don't have to discuss, you don't owe him anything and his reasons for being a shit partner and dad are none of your business now - he'll sort his relationship with your daughter out in the future or he won't. None of it is on you. You are only responsible for yourself and your daughter. Give yourself some space and stop letting him take up so much room in your head. I know it's hard, but honestly, the quicker you can do this the better it will get for you. Hang in there, you are doing great!

No he's bejng a cunt and again making it all your fault. NoNow s you've left him he's setting groundwork to accuse you of destroying a bond in this way then by leaving him- to guilt you into taking him back.

He's a lousy dad and was a lousier partner.

Just ignore his moans and don't even acknowledge them.

So XP is trying to mind fuck me I think.

You're absolutely right. This is just more of his nonsense. He's trying to make it your fault, make you guilty. Parents create their own bonds with their DC. If he hasn't bonded, that's on him.

Do as other posters have suggested. Don't speak to him about his silly claims. Any discussion will give them an importance they don't deserve.

Stick to practical matters and don't acknowledge any goady fuckery.

Absolutely no way on earth, is this to do with you.

If your child was left alone regularly with him it would have been a big risk.

You have done so well to hold your ground because he sounds quite manipulative.

You sound so worried that you are responsible for everything.

Do you think your ex feels the same level of self-reflection, blame and culpability? I'm certain that that's not the case This makes him... just ... lesser.

Keep your head high and keep talking and asking for others' support and opinions. You sound way more awesome than him ;)

Problem is there won’t always be someone to do the handovers, schedule will pretty much be the weekend as he works up in the city. I guess it’s just keeping it very short, a hi and then handing over DC. That’s is if he bothers, I suspect when he realises I’m not coming back he may lose interest.

@Youwantshoesinashoeshop, thank you for your kind words. I do feel very responsible.. just in making sure DC has everything she deserves including a good bond with her daddy, but I have to remember that goes two ways and me wanting that for her won’t make it happen. Still feel guilty about that.

Sorry ladies I don’t mean to vent but don’t feel like I have much outlet apart from my family and they have had to put up with a lot.

Had the ex’s family message me to say that my ex was always just joking with the comments that he made even if they’re immature. That we should work on being a family, make the flat a home (ex owns it and while heavily pregnant I went in and cleaned the place), that we need to decide together if we separate.. newsflash to late. Anyway i now have them trying to get my Mum onside and to be honest, I just so drained and really need to vent

You don't need his agreement to split up, that's not how it works. It's not his family's decision either, and it's none of their business. Block them and ask your mum to do the same.

What happened between you and ex is nothing to do with his or your family. Tell them to mind their own business and keep your chin up.

You don't owe them anything!

Block his family and be firm in telling your mum that you won't hear it from them or her. He is toxic, you are better without.

You don't need a group consensus to allow you to break up! I've never heard anything so bloody daft. Are you quite young, OP? Often family seem to think they have a right to tell you what to do in these matters if so. Which is shit for you, obv.

Bear in mind that you saying "Your immature BS in unacceptable; goodbye" will be a bit of a defensiveness trigger in other people who put up with it in their own lives. Because they put up with it, they will feel bad about themselves if they see you standing up and saying no. So they'll tell you it's ok really and you're being sensitive, because that's better than feeling bad about their own life choices. They're in the wrong though.

You will be better off by far in he long run without this arsehole

OP you need to block his families number on your phone.

I would contact Women’s aid as well, as they can advise you and help you to keep up your resolve.

You are doing well and l know it must be difficult. Please remember, that you are a nice person and a loving mother. You are doing this, to
show your daughter that real men do not treat women like this.

Have a read of this thread that explains the script an abuser uses very well www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2084909-Script-followed-by-emotionally-abusive-partners-to-make-other-person-stay