What should I do?

[Takeadeepbreath12]

After a suggestion from a good friend who is on mumsnet I am turning to you all for a bit of advice.

My partner and I have been together 4 years and 7 month old. Things started out great but a couple of years into the relationship he changed and became disrespectful verging on abusive (has shoved me before), constant ‘jokes’ and wearing down my confidence.

Upon finding out about my pregnancy I decided to stay with him but things have only got worse and he has no interest in our child, which is an understatement. I tried to leave him once however I was also suffering from PND and didn’t have the strength to follow through. Anyway 2 weeks ago I came to stay at my mums to help her as she had recently had an operation, initially I was only meant to stay a couple of days but i ending up injuring myself so stayed here longer than intend. My partner had come around 3 times in that time, each time telling me he doesn’t want our child knowing my mum better than him (he has always been a bit weird with my family esp since I gave birth) anyway all of this brought up how I felt and how unhappy I am. So I told him I wasn’t happy that I don’t want to be with him anymore, from this I get told that I’m to blame, that I’m always making unilateral decisions and that I always tell him I’ll be back on x date and then change my mind. The only time this happened was when I was suffering from PND. So he backs me into the corner, gets me to agree to come back on a certain date.. even though I don’t want this relationship anymore. Now has gone back to acting like nothing ever happened when I said look this doesn’t change how I feel he tells me it’ll blow over.

Anyway my question is do I go back? I’m going back on my word if I don’t, but it isn’t like it’s a written contract.. you know like I have to do it, yet I feel like I must go back.

OP he does miss you absolutely he really really does but not because he cares it’s because you are useful being his slave and soaking up his abuse without complaint

Well that’s the thing @Pantsomime it’s not like I don’t complain in fact sometimes I think he prefers that I do so he knows he has got under my skin. Now I just try and stay silent in the hope he’d stop.

Really doesn’t think too much of me at all.

Ladies and Gents, should I talk to him face to face or send an email/text?

How well is it likely to go if you talk face to face: is he the kind to listen, or will he just start reacting/interrupting?

If you want him to really take in what you have to say, it's best done in writing: writing can't be interrupted or talked over. The only drawback is that it gives him time to craft a response, or build up a lot of feelings, potentially angry ones, before he next sees you.

Which do you think will work best?

You say you know he influences you & makes you feel guilty for wanting to split up. On that basis if you really want to leave him ( and you should from what you’ve disclosed) by text or letter. What you want is him to say he’s dirty and he’ll change and sadly I think you know whatever he says he won’t/ can’t/ doesn’t want to/ there’s no need etc

Dirty=sorry!

Email/text, otherwise he's going to guilt/bully the hell out of you and you'll end up agreeing something you don't want. (I'm not criticising you here, my ex could bluster/talk circles round me and gaslight me so I didn't know which way was up.)

He does make me feel guilty a lot of the time and always gets me when he brings up our DC. Arsehole does absolutely nothing for her, but then again keeps up the pretence.

@category12, is this how you got away from your ex? He definitely isn’t the type to listen or to take any responsibility/blame, usually this conversation ends with me saying ‘I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel that way’, ‘maybe we should try counselling’, ‘I just want us all to be happy’. So email probably is better, that was what I was to do the last time I wanted to leave then I figured I ‘owed’ it to him to have a proper conversation.

Just realising when he spoke about giving me free rein, he said he ‘let’ me do my driving lessons let me and I bloody pay for them myself.

He sounds like an absolute controlling cock. You are WELL shot of him. Let you do your driving lessons.... perhaps he should move to Saudi Arabia? You know, where men have only recently permitted women to learn to drive.

That he him, along with being sexually coercive too. It’s very wearing!

Need to remember what @dragonway said even if the reason is it’s a Wednesday I have a right to say when I’ve had enough.

You're doing great OP, you sound much stronger and able to see things for what they are now, well done. You can pick up a lot from the language they use can't you, 'let you' and 'free rein' tell you exactly how he sees you, as a possession rather than a person.

I do think you need to be prepared for his reaction once you send the email. Men like him don't take kindly to you taking the control back so I think you can expect some fairly heavy duty emotional blackmail, guilt tripping and whatever else he has in his repertoire to try and get you back in line. If you think you're going to struggle under that kind of pressure it might be best to block his lines of contact (other than about DC) as soon as you've sent the email.

You sound like you know what's likely to happen so make sure you box clever this time so you don't end up repeating the usual pattern. Don't give him chance to talk you back into 'I just want everyone to be happy', you deserve to be happy and you won't be if you go back

Thanks @Hidingtonothing, at the moment he is been super lovely but the distance by staying at my mums definitely helps me see clearly.

I’ve been thinking about going NC apart from obviously with regards to DC. Today he has already message to say are you guys coming back today.. asked if I was ok.. wasn’t very direct as I just want to disclose it all in the email and say that it im not discussing it anymore. But he then replied ‘are you sure you’re ok you aren’t saying much’.

I know what he’ll say and prepared but exactly the reason why I want to go NC. My DC and I definitely deserve to be happy, after the last few years, I just need to be free of him.

Just don’t like feeling like I’m upsetting him

This is the crux of the matter. He's abusive to you and neglectful of his child, but you are worried about upsetting him.

Stay where you are. You don't need this man in your life.

Just read your thread. I hope you find the strength to stick to your guns and end it. He will be sensing you're backing off which is why he is being super nice. You're in a great position being at your mums!

Don't put too much effort into your email/text. Be brief and to the point. No apologies or nicey nicey. I really wouldn't meet face to face... Good luck xx

@HollowTalk, he is neglectful of our child something he’ll forever deny.. and blame on my choice to breastfeed.

@crystalize, thanks for that advice regarding the email if not I think I’d send an essay. No point stating every incident etc because he doesn’t accept any part in it at all.

Yes, keep it short and to the point, no ambiguity, no apologies and as little emotion as possible. Try to focus on you and your feelings rather than the actions (his, obviously) that caused them, so 'I'm not happy' rather 'you don't make me happy', it gives him less opportunities to promise change and lure you back. Make it clear this about you doing what you want with your life and you no longer want him in it. Good luck and don't forget we're here if you need support

I've read your thread and agree with the suggestion of telling him your decision in writing. Short and clear. Don't apologize. Just say you're not happy, it's over and that from now on you will only be communicating with him about matters concerning your child.

I understand that you've been manipulated and controlled but he hasn't succeeded entirely, has he? Because you've seen how controlling he is and you're getting shot of him while your child is still a baby. It takes some of us 20 years. So congratulations.

So I sent the email earlier this evening, turned my phone off to get some peace.

Just read his reply, he has said he doesn’t want us to split up, can understand if my feelings were hurt at the weekend, that he needed to air his concerns, then asks if I was ever intending on coming back.. carries on to say he wants to see DC tomorrow and that we should speak face to face not via email.

Must stay strong.. should I reply saying nothing to discuss with regards to us or speak with him?

@Hidingtonothing thank you, think I really will need a hand hold for this. Would have been easier if he just got mad like he usually would .

@Prawnofthepatriarchy, I am very lucky to have a family and close friends who have helped me vent and see his ways. Also seeing how he is with DC opened my eyes to his true colours. If it wasn’t for that I don’t think I would have seen it for a very long time and then stuck at it a lot longer. In all honesty it is my DC that gives me strength

I wouldn't speak with him - he's pushing for that because he knows he's more likely to get his way and bulldoze you. Stick to email. Broken record him - our relationship is over, I won't be living with you again, all that is left to discuss is the practical arrangements regarding access and finances.

If you give access tomorrow, I'd recommend you have your mum do handover/supervise and don't see him yourself, or at least have her with you and don't get drawn into speaking with him alone.

You can actually say no to access if you've other plans - going forward, you'll probably need to formalise access and set up a schedule, otherwise he'll be one of these blokes who demands access at random and you'll never be able to plan anything and still be jumping to his tune even though you've split up.

Well done for sending the email. Agree don't speak to him! Its too soon. Also too soon to see DC - it will be just to see you really. Email back you need some space for a while. Why should you agree to access the next day? Fuck him (for now lol). Send the message, turn off your phone... and breathe :)

No to speaking in person, whether you let him see DC is up to you but I agree someone else needs to do handover if so. I know it's hard getting used to a new way of doing things, a new way of thinking almost but you can stop trying to please him and keep him sweet now. Decide what you want to do about things (like communicating only by email) and then remind yourself when he objects that you don't have to change your mind for him anymore and stick to your guns. Each time you stand up for yourself it will get a little easier, honest

Only having him see DC for her benefit, she hasn’t seen him since Father’s Day, not that he bothers when he is around. But my sister who is a police officer is here so that helps.

Just had him email after me saying you aren’t listening to me, I said I’m done I don’t want this relationship anymore. So he messages back to say I get you but we still need to talk about us how much clearer does he want it.

No, you do not need to speak to him face to face or discuss it any further. He is banking on you agreeing to see him in person and he'll talk you round. Just keep repeating that you no longer want to be in the relationship.

Be aware that once he realises he can't talk you around he is likely to get very nasty. Stay strong!

You need to stand strong here, he will not magically develop a new personality and start being nice to you, and you only get one life!