Is it me, how do I know?

[unhappylady1]

I am generally fairly unhappy in my marriage but scared of making the leap. Often feel I'm walking on egg shells. I'm worried he'll tell everyone what a bitch I am and that I'm to blame as that's pretty much what he tells me as the reason our marriage is failing. He says it's all me, how do I know if it's all me, I'm scared, confused, lonely, desperate and just downright sad. He says I make him ill and that he can't stand being with me anymore.

Please someone hold my hand and help me.

In my area, women's aid have a "one stop shop" (only once a week though) with advisor, solicitor, benefits knowledgeable person etc. Its definitely worth contacting wa (calling in in person is ideal but maybe you're working) to see if they can advise you.

Thanks. Gosh woman's aid, I feel a fraud as he hasn't hit me - that's all in my head, I know that's not right

You don't have to have been hit to ask women's aid for advice on separation; he's been "difficult" and bullying, that's reason enough.

I only mentioned them because they have so much experience of women having to separate, the financial issues etc.

If you get a good solicitor who does family/divorce law, it may be just as useful.

Life is too short to be with someone who leaves you feeling like this.

RUN while you still can !!

I know you're all absolutely right. I will take a look at woman's aid. As suggested I've been reading some of Lundy Bancroft's stuff on line - I can totally relate to so many sadly.

This link is brilliant:

www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men

I can support myself financially once I've sold my house

That's a very good position to be in, especially with no dependants.

I wonder if posters who have experience of managing arrangements with a "difficult" partner while separation/divorce is happening could advise on here.

I can email you a pdf of that book of you want - you'd have to message me an email address as I can't seem to attach files to messages on here.

If you don't want to give out a personal email address, you could set up a temp one and delete it after youve received it.

That would be good - as I know he is going to be difficult and make me feel like crap. The money side will be a nightmare.

I'll pop up a new post I think on the separation board

I didn't even realise there was a separation board .

Yeah a divorce and separation one

I dont mean to sound callous at all, but there are many women or are or have been in the same boat.

The situation in your marriage sounds unsustainable. You've been taking abuse for so long, it's a wonder it hasn't affected your health. Noone should have to live with that.

I know it's cold comfort but you're so lucky you haven't got kids in the mix and no (or limited) means for supporting yourself.

Yeah I know i totally agree - thank god. I have an adult child from a previous relationship who doesn't live with us.

I feel so far from who I am. When I'm at work I can be myself, it's nice

What does your child think of him incidentally? (You've probably hidden a lot of it but something usually leaks through).

How sad/wrong that you haven't been able to be yourself and relax at home. Home is supposed to be a haven.

Had a look at those quotes from "Why does he .." as I haven't read the book in a while.

From what relatively little you've described on this thread, it's like this is a perfect description of him;

"Mr. Right.
You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what’s good for you.
Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.
The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.
If you would just accept that I know what’s right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too.
When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that’s mistreatment of me.
If I put you down for long enough, some day you’ll see."

You need to be careful when you are planning to leave lady. Very often an abuser will ramp up the abuse when he thinks he's losing his control over his victim. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you tell him.

Morality yes after reading the 'mr right' definitely sums him up. Ive feeling low at the moment - feeling sick to the pit of my
stomach
He gets on ok with my adult child, hasn't always been this way but better of late.

I think you need to practice “grey rock” when he returns , I think this will protect you emotionally whilst you sort out and plan your next steps . Do you have any friends you can confide in op to help support you with this ? X

www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

This article is quite helpful x

Thanks lefty I'll take a look. Need to get through tonight somehow....

Can you reach out to family /friends ? If you don’t feel like you’re ready to do that then I would just concentrate on trying to make yourself feel better , take a long bath, do a facepack, paint your nails , find a series that you can binge upon on Netflix / prime , something that’s not romance related , comedies and murder/ forensic type documentaries helped me no end, (I know sounds grim but it’s totally unrelated so gives your brain a rest somewhat) be kind to yourself

I don't even know where to start with telling someone - I just don't know if I want to tell them everything, I mean I'm so ashamed of it all. I have no interest in doing anything - just want to wallow. I feel so sad and sick to the stomach. When will this end

You do know that you can leave just because you are unhappy? You don't have to explain, or justify, or come up with any reasons? Just being unhappy in a relationship is enough reason to leave xxx

I know Green I am just scared of doing so. I just cannot see how I'll get through this